My girlfriend doesn't like sex...I need advice.

[hellfire45]

I'm 25 and my girlfriend is 21. We've been dating for 4 years. We met in college and after about a month we started having sex. It was pretty frequent at first. I'd say sex was at least a 2-3 times a week thing throughout the first year. After four years, it's really slowed. I think we're only having sex about 3 times a month now and that's doesn't include oral or hand jobs or anything because there really hasn't been much of that either. She just says that she doesn't like sex. It's not important to her. It's a hassle, it's messy, time consuming and she just doesn't feel the need to do it...I'm case anybody wonders, I feel that I am attractive and I have been doing P90X every day for almost a year so I'm in very good shape physically.

I found out early on that she had been sexually assaulted when she was younger but I really didn't think much of it because the sex didn't seem to be much of an issue. She doesn't like ***, which I don't really care about and I am under the impression that she was having orgasms when we were having sex regularly(my stamina is so low nowadays from lack of sex that it's more rare for her to have one now) but I did find out later that she did fake at least 1 orgasm which I'm not sure how common that is for girls.

I guess my ideal would be to have sex at least twice a week. My sex drive is pretty constant, I masturbate every day but I think twice a week of actual sex would be good enough for me to at least feel like I was actually having an intimate relationship and not just a friend, whom I kiss, that I'm living with.

I've been with her 4 years so I really don't want to break up with her. If I could just resolve this, things would be perfect in the relationship. I know its a big IF but does anybody have any advice or maybe a similar experience and any suggestions on what I can do?

 

[blueline]

just drop her off at the bus stop for singles.

 

[hellfire45]

I figured that most people on this forum would say that. Still I love this girl. I've been with her for 4 years and I don't want to think about hurting her like that.

 

[Warrior74]

I'm 25 and my girlfriend is 21. We've been dating for 4 years. We met in college and after about a month we started having sex. It was pretty frequent at first. I'd say sex was at least a 2-3 times a week thing throughout the first year. After four years, it's really slowed. I think we're only having sex about 3 times a month now and that's doesn't include oral or hand jobs or anything because there really hasn't been much of that either. She just says that she doesn't like sex. It's not important to her. It's a hassle, it's messy, time consuming and she just doesn't feel the need to do it...I'm case anybody wonders, I feel that I am attractive and I have been doing P90X every day for almost a year so I'm in very good shape physically.

I found out early on that she had been sexually assaulted when she was younger but I really didn't think much of it because the sex didn't seem to be much of an issue. She doesn't like ***, which I don't really care about and I am under the impression that she was having orgasms when we were having sex regularly(my stamina is so low nowadays from lack of sex that it's more rare for her to have one now) but I did find out later that she did fake at least 1 orgasm which I'm not sure how common that is for girls.

I guess my ideal would be to have sex at least twice a week. My sex drive is pretty constant, I masturbate every day but I think twice a week of actual sex would be good enough for me to at least feel like I was actually having an intimate relationship and not just a friend, whom I kiss, that I'm living with.

I've been with her 4 years so I really don't want to break up with her. If I could just resolve this, things would be perfect in the relationship. I know its a big IF but does anybody have any advice or maybe a similar experience and any suggestions on what I can do?

It's not you physique. It's not how long you've been together. It's not her history of sexual abuse. The key to life is knowing how to indentify the real problem. The problem is this. SHE DOESN"T WANT TO HAVE SEX...... WITH YOU. She had no problems in the beginning. Why is that? Why now does she feel like you will still stick around even when you aren't getting any? What does that even say about you in her mind?

Now you have to figure out why? What has changed in your behavior or mentality in the last 4 years? (and seriously, after 4 years and she's only 21, she probably wants to explore her options, and I wouldn't be surprised if you get dumped inside of 6 months).

So tell us how you changed in the last 4 years? If you think you haven't, there is your problem.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

I figured that most people on this forum would say that. Still I love this girl. I've been with her for 4 years and I don't want to think about hurting her like that.

In other words, you don't like the advice you are getting, so you'll wait until somebody tells you what you want to hear. You are asking the wrong people the wrong question. You should go to a couples counseling forum or something if you plan on staying on a situation you don't like.

If she's not interested in sex, and this is important enough for you, tell her you should be allowed to have sex with others.

No sex after 4 years? Dude, you two are already acting like a boring married couple. She is bored with you. She takes you for granted. YOu might feel you are attractive, but she's not feeling you, not that way, anymore.

You think that's the only thing that is wrong, otherwise it would be perfect? The lack of sex is just the end result of everything that is not working, even what you are not aware of.

 

[f283000]

The problem is this. SHE DOESN"T WANT TO HAVE SEX...... WITH YOU.

Quoted for truth.

After this girl dumps you which could be any minute now she'll be back on the market and will end up getting porked by some dude within a week or 2. The problem is not that she doesn't like secks the problem is that you're no longer attractive to her.

It doesn't matter how long she's been with you. Married women don't have secks with their husbands yet they will cheat on their husbands with bad boys and ride them all night long like if they were 21 all over again!

What you need to do is DUMP HER! Whatever you do just don't verbalize your feelings when you do. You never do that to a woman.

You won't tell her you're dumping her cause of secks. Just tell her that you no longer see her as a romantic partner and you see her more as a friend and wish her good luck. It will drive her nutz and will end the relationship clean and making you look good.

 

[The Experience]

When you say she doesn't like sex, you should have said 'She doesn't like sex...anymore'.

These reasons are $hit:
It's a hassle, it's messy, time consuming and she just doesn't feel the need to do it.

You've been dating for 4 years, where are your other options?

 

[blueline]

seriously, i ignored these guys when they told me to dump my ex, and look at that, she dumped me a few weeks later.

don't make my mistake, friend.

 

[Igetit!]

Dude,PLEASE DON'T TELL ME that you believed her when she said this.
Both Warrior74,F283000,along with Gangster of Love and the others were all BANG ON with their responses.


It's like they said,it's not "sex",it's sex....with you.

Or to put it more accurately,she NO LONGER likes sex....with you.

I'm 25 and my girlfriend is 21. We've been dating for 4 years. We met in college and after about a month we started having sex. It was pretty frequent at first. I'd say sex was at least a 2-3 times a week thing throughout the first year. After four years, it's really slowed. I think we're only having sex about 3 times a month now...

Let's look at this LOGICALLY:you've dated each other for 4 years....


YEAR 1:Sex was about 3 times a week. 52 weeks in a year = 156 times.

YEAR 2: Let's say it dropped to only twice a week,which would = about 104 times and let's say it was the same for YEAR 3.


And for YEAR 4,it's down to 3 times a month,which would put you at about 34 or 35 times for this year so far. You add all that up....


156+104(x2)+35=399.



So she's had sex with you like 400 times,and now all of the sudden,she doesn't like sex? Huh? And you believed her? :crackup:

She just says that she doesn't like sex. It's not important to her. It's a hassle, it's messy, time consuming and she just doesn't feel the need to do it...

So her reasons for not liking sex were that it's "messy and time consuming".

So is taking a sh!t on the toilet. What,she plans to cut that out too?



It was just as messy and time consuming 4 years ago when she first started dating you,so why NOW and after doing it 400+ times is it suddenly a problem?

I think twice a week of actual sex would be good enough for me to at least feel like I was actually having an intimate relationship and not just a friend, whom I kiss, that I'm living with.

BINGO....

and there's your problem. See what I put in bold? If there's no other guy involved,then I GUARANTEE YOU,that's the problem.




I've said this a BILLION TIMES...women are EMOTIONAL. You said that YOU don't feel like you're in an intimate relationship with her,and that you feel like you're with a "friend" who you kiss from time to time.



If you feel that way and you're a guy,then imagine how she feels. It's the same old story I've seen on the forums over and over again...lack of attraction on her part. Like I said,if there's no other guy,then that's what's up. The good news is that this IS fixable. I know,because I've been through this before with an ex.



Check out this thread http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=156533. Don't worry,it's not 5 pages of replies to read,in fact it's only one,but you don't have to read the whole thing,just skip down to reply #14.


Read it,understand it,then APPLY IT to your relationship. It should help get things back on track.

 

[Kailex]

I've been with her 4 years so I really don't want to break up with her.

Everyone else has touched upon everything else... however, let me just touch upon that golden nugget you posted right there.

If you are doing everything "right" and she still doesn't want to have sex with you, it's over. LET HER GO.

This is NOT going to get any better, and if it does, it's only temporary.

That's why you need to get rid of this "time invested" mentality. Only women do that, and you my friend, have some drilling equipment in between your legs. You are 25, you are not even near the prime of your life and you are worried about 4 years that you spent with her?

Really?
That's your concern?

I think it's time to adopt new concerns. Like which girl should you call tonight? Who do you want to have sex with this next weekend? Which new bar are you going to go hang out at?

Those are better concerns than: Why won't my girlfriend have sex with me?

What you are describing is a situation MARRIED men go through and you two aren't even married! How sick is that? She's basically so comfortable in this relationship with you that she doesn't even want to touch your penis?

I bet that as soon as you start hinting that the relationship is over, her sexual interest will pique. But you know what... NO HINTS... you just dump her. Usually a woman not interested in having sex with her significant other is a tell-tale sign of 1 of 2 things... or both:

- She's so comfortable in her relationship that she doesn't feel like she needs to put out anymore

- She's boning someone else

In either case, it's time to let her go if you two aren't married.
If you're 25 and in prime physical condition, it's time to find many new girlfriends.

The problem is that men will try to find a way to correct this predicament not fully realizing that the fix will be temporary and that eventually the pattern WILL repeat itself. If a girlfriend ever told me that sex was time consuming and that it was a mess and they didn't want to do it with me... I'd be finding myself other women ON THE SPOT.

My friend, it's time to move on. Embrace this idea and let go of the "I've been with her for 4 years so I don't want to break up with her" idea. That idea smells of comfort and unfortunately, you are not going to be able to get this relationship to where it was when you two first started.

 

[Ease]

You are lying to yourself.

Your title says 'My girlfriend doesnt like sex', when it should be 'My girlfriend refuses to have sex with me anymore'.

There' a lot of fags out there that may tell what you want to hear, but truth is that this problem reflects directly on your relationship.

Dont want to dump her? I can understand that completely. Then you have to cheat. But under no circumstances is it ok to stay without sex in this situation.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Damn man, 4 years of the prime of your life are gone; spent with one woman who overtly confesses she "doesn't like sex." This has got to be one of the most tragic results of the Matrix-think that's perpetrated on young men. They're so wrapped up in the fairy tale monogamy they've been conditioned for that they'll sacrifice all of the incredible options, ambition and potential just to "make it work." Tragic.

The good news is you're still young and if you're in half as good a shape as you're boasting, you shouldn't have much problem realigning yourself. You need to unlearn what you've been conditioned to.

 

[terran2k]

find someone else that does like sex

 

[synergy1]

to echo everyone else's comments, a women who is with you should show and increased, not decreased sexual drive. I find with women that they don't give it up because once they do, they are the aggressors more than I. If your chick doesn't want to have sex with you, she's not that into you...sorry. A guess would be that you two stay together merely as a matter of convenience, but you should probably break it off and start getting more options.

all the best

 

[Bible_Belt]

Start giving her big hugs and telling her, "You're my best friend!" Do this for a month or so, and then tell her one day that you have come to really just think of her as a great friend. That's what women do.

 

[Acq]

I had a similar situation with one of my girlfriends, I met her when she was a 19 yo virgin, without any experience, I was older back then.
here is how I solved it: I let her smoke pot once or twice, and she instantly began to enjoy sex. This cure has worked for many girls I heard.
Before trying pot, she was a brick of wood in bed, who even had pain when I stack my thing into her after a looooongish foreplay.

Weed does not only relax the person, it also increases sensitivity dramatically.

 

[Iceberg]

I figured that most people on this forum would say that. Still I love this girl. I've been with her for 4 years and I don't want to think about hurting her like that.

You're right man. These guys are mean. They don't understand the beauty and mystery of love. The magic of man and woman sharing the ups and downs of this existence together.

Nah, I'm just f**king with you, because I know that's what you want to hear. Now here's the truth...

You'd be hurting her in what way? By kicking her out of a relationship that she's not interested in maintaining?

Sex is what makes a relationship. Two people who live together without sex are roommates. Everyone else is right and no one on here is going to tell you to save the relationship.

You can go to one of those girly relationship sites where some anonymous fat chick will tell you to "talk it out over a nice dinner" or "express your feelings", you know, because that's what people do in movies.

The fact that it's a 4 year relationship, and you've invested time, and you don't want to leave is what's killing her sex drive anyway. She sees you as safe and boring. You're a minivan. A vacuum cleaner. It doesn't matter how good you look. She knows you are unwilling to go anywhere else and you have ceased to be a challenge.

I'll give you a piece of advice that might help to save your relationship, or at least prepare for its eventual end: Start going out with your friends more. Disappear more. Let her wonder where you are. Build a life outside of the boring, predictable regiment that's boring her. She'll wonder if you're cheating. She'll wonder if someone else out there is changing your pattern.

When she calls you out on it, put her in her place. Tell her that your life is moving forward and she's either along for the ride or she's not. But either path, you're progressing and changing. Don't break down. Don't get emotional. Just the cold logic of "My world doesn't start and stop with a girlfriend."

Whether it results in more passion from her or her freaking out and walking away, at least you have a conclusion. F*** that "invested time" crap. She's a woman, not an appreciating asset.

Time to diversify your portfolio, pal.

 

[Igetit!]

I had a similar situation with one of my girlfriends, I met her when she was a 19...

ME TOO. I went through this EXACT SAME THING with a 19 year girlfriend once. The only difference is that instead of her saying she "didn't like sex",she just told me that she didn't want to have sex. It was like this...


her: I don't want to have sex.
me:Huh?
her:I don't want to have sex.
me:Uhhh...is something wrong?


When she told me that,I thought that there was something wrong medically "down there",lol. I thought she had some sort of infection or illness.




her:No,nothing's wrong,I'm ok.
me:So you just don't want to have sex?
her:Not forever,just for a while.
me:Why???
her:I just don't want to have sex,ok?
me:(confused)....So do you want to break up?
her:No.
me:Huh? So you want to keep seeing each other,you want to keep dating,but without sex? That doesn't make any sense. Why do you want to stop having sex?
her:I just want to,ok? How do you feel about that?
me:....Maybe we should just start seeing other people.




Then she went on to accuse me of only wanting her for sex.




After she told me she wanted to stop having sex,of course I made the mistake of trying to LOGICALLY convince her otherwise....and of course,it didn't work. This went on for like three weeks to a month,with everytime we talked or had contact it ended up in an arguement.




Then one time after arguing with each other on the phone,after we hung up,I said to myself,"Man,I wish she would start back acting the way she used to act when I first met her". And right when I said that,a thought popped into my mind......"Are YOU still acting and behaving the same way you were when you met her?"




So I just sat there and I was like,"hmm...no,I'm not". Then I made a decision to just start talking to her and treating her the same way I did at the beginning of the relationship,almost like I did during the pickup.




What I did was I'd throw out a highly sexual comment from time to time. We were talking on the phone one time,and I just haul off and said,"Hmm...I want some booty". She was SHOCKED. She just sat there speechless for a while,then she said,"I can't believe you said that".




We'd talk a little more,then I said something like,"Hey tell me how this sounds....I have this white t-shirt. Well I was thinking you could come over here,put it on,then I'll get a pitcher full of ice cold icewater and pour it all over your chest. How does that sound?




I could hear her smile over the phone as she told me she didn't think so. I did that for like 2 or 3 days,then she finally said,"I want to see you",which of course meant she wanted to have sex with me.

After that,everything went back to normal,as if the whole,"I don't want to have sex" thing never happened.


This was years ago,but I never forgot it. That's why I say that unless she's seeing another guy,to attempt to salvage the relationship because really,it doesn't matter.




Even if he does just drop her and move on to someone else,if he dates her long enough,this SAME ISSUE will come up again because it's an EMOTIONAL NEED that women have reguarding being in a RELATIONSHIP,just like us men have a PHYSICAL NEED (sex) to be happy in a relationship.




To just drop her and move on,is like getting rid of your car and getting a new one simply because it's out of gas. If you get another car,sooner or later,you're going to HAVE TO put gas in it That's just part of having a car.



Well part of having an LTR is meeting a woman's need for chemistry/sexual attraction/emotional excitement. To expect a woman to meet our PHYSICAL NEEDS of a relationship,but when it comes time for US to meet her EMOTIONAL NEEDS we decide to just dump her is not only unfair,but RIDICULOUS,because it's not going anywhere.



You might as well just do it now because even if you do just move on,you'll still have to do it with the next ltr.



It's either that,or just date until the "honeymoon" phase wears off,then dump her and go meet someone else....OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

 

[betheman]

she has either lost interest completely or is witholding because she A) Wants wedding cake. or B) wants a baby.
my advice, start hanging around other women

 

[loveshogun]

You're right man. These guys are mean. They don't understand the beauty and mystery of love. The magic of man and woman sharing the ups and downs of this existence together.

Nah, I'm just f**king with you, because I know that's what you want to hear. Now here's the truth...

Iceberg, I love you man.

OP, it's already all been said. Women come and go. Time, however, just goes. You're not going to get back the hours, days, weeks, or months that you spend frustrated, trying to work things out with THIS girl.

Find out what you can improve, and do better with the NEXT girl.