My girl not over her ex

[bigstik]

I have been seeing this girl exclusively for the past four months. She had a horrible breakup just two months before we got together. The guy cheated on her, and was also a real basket case. A real psycho. SO we didn't plan on anything serious when we met, just to date. But things got serious. She seemed in denial about it alot, and we would have petty issues over it. Whenever I would try to back out, due to her not seeming in it 100% or because she would still seem hung up on her ex, she would bombard me with pleas to stay with her, that she misses me, she even begged and cooked me dinner the last time.

Whenever I think that she must know what she is missing, and come back, nothing changes. We are still as close as ever, getting closer, but she still denies how involved she is, I guess she feels like it can't be possible since she was so in love and so hurt with her ex, and that was so recently. It is driving me crazy!

And the ex. This guy will not leave her alone. I have witnessed her telling this guy it is over, he cheated on her, give up. He drives by her house, calls her at work. The last time she was trying to get me back (when she cooked me dinner) her ex stopped by right before I got there, she said it seemed like he was crying! But she knew if I saw him I'd just leave and her chance would be blown, so she blew him off.

We got into a huge fight right after that, because I stopped by a few days later and he was there, in her house watching tv with her!!!

Well this past week things have been rocky. I have been around, but not so cool with her because I am sick of the bull****. I am tired of her denying me and the seriousness of our relationship. I am on the verge of pulling out and seeing other women. She knows that I want to stick it out, but she need to take a chance if she wants me to stay.

She has been distant. I know she has alot on her mind. But this is what is driving me crazy. I found something she wrote just a week ago, where she was talking about how in love with him she was, she wanted to marry him, but he cheated on her, she is so sick over it.

God! Why won't she get over it! I know it isn't that easy, but it seems like she was doing just fine a little bit ago she was so into me. But the minute things are good with us, she knows my feelings for her are real and I am just as crazy for her as she is for me, she starts getting all "sick" over him again!

I was all she wanted and could think about, and now all of a sudden that she has that, I am feeling like this jerk's shadow! Like I am an interlude, a replacement. Why is she so stupid!

Should I just give up, is this girl a fool? I don't want her to lose me over some bull**** like this! But I worry this is a situation I have no control over.

Help would be appreciated, fellows.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

my advice would be to move on, PDQ.

you are the rebound guy, and that never works out anyway, especially when she was in a really bad relationship prior.

she "seems" hung up on her ex, because she is--that makes things worse, if not impossible.

her ex is a psycho on top of it, and stalking her, and therefore, YOU by default.

she doesn't seem all together herself. she probably will never be. she probably doesn't have a clue as to what a healthy relationship actually is.

and now it's affecting your "relationship".

all of these bad's outweigh the good's.

i think you will be wasting your time with her, looking forward.

 

[NewMan]

Your the rebound guy.

You seem far to involved at this stage of the game - especially since she is telling you that she is not interested in being serious.

You need to either except this or move on. Your choice.

If I were you I'd back off and start seeing other women. Not be so available for her - and let her make a decision without pressure form you.

Any pressure you put on her will not achieve what you are looking for.

Ultimatums never work.

In short - Back off, give her all the space she needs and start seeing others.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

She won't get over it because she has no reason not to wallow in her past emotional attachments. You simply allow her to do so.

Usually its wise to wait to allow her to define the relationship. You tried that, she's failed miserably.

I am still lodged firmly in the "Ditch the B1tch" camp at the moment, but I know its a lot easier said than done since you're obviously looking to move forward and you thing she offers you this possibility. If she's allowed to dwell on her ex she will. Deny her that option.

This having been said, here's what I propose you do in three clean, easy, no emotional hassle steps;

1) Define the relationship and your intentions.

(all of the following should be said without anger or malice, but with clearest conviction and as matter-of-factly as possible.)

"Honey, we've been going out for four months now. You know that I feel close to you and I want to see this thing through to its end, and I know your heart shares this aim. Our time together is wonderful, Furthermore, I can appreciate that you have gone through a tough time given your past situation with your ex, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to sit here waiting for you to get over your ex. I will not be the other man..."

2) Issue the ultimatum.

"You have a choice to make. I will give you five minutes to think about it after which I will expect your answer. You can either jetison your emotional baggage concerning your ex, baggage which is making both of us miserable, or I will have no more of you. I will not waste my time with a woman who is pining for another man. If you choose me, that means you no longer see your ex. He doesn't come by crying in the middle of the night, he doesn't watch tv on your couch, he doesn't come by your house, hell, I'll even help you file the restraining order if necessary to prevent his stalking you. You will have no ties to him whatsoever.

These are my terms. If you do not live up to these terms or you regress, you will have no ties to me. I will not visit with you, I will not speak to you, I will not even associate with you in our next lives, and I certainly with not have any romantic involvement with you.

You've had four months to consider the question. Either way you will not have one of us in your life after the next five minutes I will allow you to make up your mind. Accordingly, there will be no discussion, you will choose him or me, and if you seem to be at a loss for words at the end of the expired time I will have no choice but to assume you wish no more of me and I will sever all ties to you physically and emotionally. I am do not wish to be draconian, but I will not be made the fool of any longer. If I am to give the best of myself and my undivided affection to you, I expect no less in return.

3) Stick with it at all costs

"Once you've made your decision, we will not speak of this sordid affair, or him again. If my terms are not met, I can only assume that you're still pining away for him and I will have no more of you. I will not even pay you the courtesy of a good-bye. I believe your five minutes has started..."

Do not entertain argument, do not explain yourself any further, don not allow her to explain herself. She will give you her answer and the you will move accordingly. If she chooses him, leave. If she chooses you, but then renegs (i.e.: you still find her even so much as speaking to her ex), leave. If she chooses you and has every intention of sticking with it, she should have little trouble getting over her ex.

You've got to force her decision or else she'll never make it. There is the substantial possibilty that she might choose him out of fear or indecision, or that she'll choose you meaning to prolong the situation to see if you change your mind, you won't. Bottom line, there is a chance you will face some form of rejection, but no matter how this scenario plays out, you will have again at long last your self-respect, and that is more important than any woman.

Best of luck in life and love Brother, let us know how it goes.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[bigstik]

Thanks so far fellows. I like the idea of just backing out and seeing other people, but I also know I might need the ultimatum. I am trying to dcide between those two. The ultimatum as CDB put it vs the just back off as the others put it. hmmmm.... I go between those two things constantly! Which one, which one.

This **** is the pits! But I agree with CDB, by staying by her side, I am allowing her to obsess. We had a huge fight a few months back about this, with the result being her doing MUCH better, but recently the ex has been trying to get back in the picture even moreso.

I am such a better man than this ****! By far. And I have too much pride to just be his shadow! But me and the girl, we are so good together in so many ways...Decisions to make.

Thanks so far, fellows. Any help here helps!

 

[Genghis Juan]

bigstik,

I feel bad. Although I am 28yo, my post college experience in the dating world is limited and my DJ skills are a work in progress, I must say that with time you will get stronger.

With the passing of time, when someone shows you mixed signals or red flags that indicate you should back off or cut entire communication, you will be stronger and cooler; moving on will eventually become easier.

I was in a similar situation with a ding-dong that kept giving me hot and cold signals for monts. She was a 9 (in my opinion). Its been very difficult for me to move on, but its getting better.

My 2 cents on your situation would be to just back off. Why waste time, energy and hopes on an unstable situation, when you can go out there and discover new girls that won't put you through all this shyt? I know its easier said than done. In the beginning, its tough to turn the emotions off, but with time it will get progressively easier.

 

[WaterTiger]

yeah...I'm voting with the guys on this one. It's hard enough for a woman to untangle her ties to a past lover & relationship as it is. But when he is hanging around trying to get back with her...it's a HUGE mess.

If her Ex was a "real psycho" then there is probably mental & emotional abuse issues going on in her head as well. This makes you the bellman for all of her overstuffed relationship baggage. I think she needs to sort out all this garbage with Psycho-boy and a good therapist. When she gets over the trama (and drama) then she might be a good match for you. But I suggest you back off and find a woman that is less trouble.

Also...psycho ex-boyfriend that wants her back...Hmmmmmm! What if he thinks that shooting you is a great way to do that? There's a REASON they call them psychos!

(Major praise to Cryano for his brilliantly wicked ultimatum! You are doing your name-sake very proud!)

 

[Aztec]

CyranoDeBergerac, I have newfound respect for you!

 

[Slickster]

Ironically, when you back off and she decides to go back to her ex she will miss you and realize the mistake she made.

She may be a great gal but she got involved with you way too early after the breakup.

I too advise you to back off from this relationship. However do it with class. Don't argue or fight or get mad at her.


Cyrano has written a great response to you. Very wise words.

 

[Anaconda]

I was in the same situation you're now awhile ago. I can guaranteed you that you'll be in only for a rocky road and heartache with this girl. Don't believe me? Just don't come to her house for a week then show up suddenly at her door a week later, you'll 99.99% see the darn bf in her house. And no matter how she pleads, promises or swears if you believe her, it will happen again. She'll say things like "oh, I was just being polite to invite him in...it means nothing...."

Why is the bf still sticking around? Because she is the one who's been dropping hints of hope (letting him in the house, call him...). You see, if he doesn't see any hope, why would he be sticking around? Just put yourself in her position, if you really love a girl, you'd be telling your X straight in her face to end it and your actions would measure up with your words. No matter what happens, your X won't be in your house since you know by doing so would make your current gf unhappy. She has the power to stop this kind of thing but she doesn't want to. She has two fools dangling on both ends of a string (sorry for my harsh words, this just brings back my memory) and she's having fun with it.

This kind of thing happened to me dozens of times before I woke up. This type of girl has no integrity, stay away from her. Change your phone numbers and cut all contacts with her because she'll try her best to act pathetic, she'll cry, swear, promise, have sex with you and do whatever it takes just to get you back in so she can start the whole thing all over again. Wake up bro. There are much better girls out there. I regret now why I stayed too long and wasted so much time and money.

 

[FratAndDiddy]

good advice for ya here bro !
i think youre starting to listen to us.
this will not end for her until another psycho dude comes along and runs off the other psycho. this chickie likes psycho dudes. since you aint psycho, you lose out.
never get caught in a terrible sandwich like this one.
end it pronto

 

[NoMore]

I was just in that situation until last weekend, and have been in many before so I didn't want it to drag out like the rest...and like Anaconda said it will be a rocky road.

I didn't give her an ultimatum, but I told her what she was doing, whether she believed it/agreed with it or not and that I wasn't going to deal with that. Of course she tried to refute my claims by saying that it wasn't that serious, but she "does like me"...fer christ sake I slept with her the weekend before. So, I told her that if that was the way she felt then there would be no more acting like we were serious if she wasn't willing to admit/commit to it. No more spending the night, no more public displays of affection. I told her that we would just be friends. Later that night me and a bunch of friends were at the bar and she tried to hold my hand and go for a kiss and I looked straight at her and said "Hey, none of that sh1t". That was saturday night and she has called me everyday since then.?!?

She made her choice and I made mine. I don't like to worry about what to do next or what it all means anymore, its depressing and stressful, i am just gonna live with my choice and continue to learn from my experiences (and this site).
By not giving her an ultimatum, if she decides to straighten up I will have the upperhand in deciding what to do with her. I love being a guy!





"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere." ~Van Wilder

 

[maranathaman]

In addition to what the others have said...

I would take the attitude that "Hey! I am a great guy, with alot going for me, and alot to offer some lucky girl! I will-NOT play second-fiddle to any other guy! It's either me only, or none of me at-all!" She must completely cut-off the other guy immediately or lose you immediately! There can be no comprimises on this.
This is non-negotiable! If she tried to give you any excuses, it's hasta-la-vista Baby! Since it's sounds like you already gave her such ultimatums in the past, and yet she's still seeing the other guy, then you have your answer... NEXT!
Or, you can use her as a fk-buddy while you are dating other girls, so-long as you can keep your emotions out of it.
But since it seems like you already are beyond emotionally detaching yourself from her. I strongly suggest you cut her off completely.

 

[bigstik]

Thanks, guys. Please respond to my other thread if you can help there.

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