My girl a victim of rape, needs time?

[tfwi]

My longterm girlfriend (11 months) was raped by a friend a week after I met her ~ 1 yr. ago. She never got help, or pressed charges, because she did not want the embarassment of being labelled a "rape victim". I was the only person she ever told.

Three months ago, the effects of the rape started coming up. She became verbally abusive, timid about physical contact, and became extremely depressed. I tried to work it out with her for the past three months, and things have been very rough. She has admitted several times she doesn't want to be with anyone else, that nobody has ever loved her like I have, and that up until her depression, she was sure she'd marry me someday.

Unfortunately a couple weeks ago, she decided she couldn't do it any more and broke up with me. Her reason was, she needs time on her own to deal with the past, and she can't be with anybody while she does it. She said she knew she was making me miserable, and couldn't do that to me. She calls me on a daily basis to talk, says she misses me constantly, and needs me around to be ok. She never asks me if there are any other women around, and has admitted that she refuses to even flirt with a guy because it wouldn't be fair to me.

My question is, what exactly should I do? I mean, from one point of view, I can't abandon my best friend, the girl I love, when she is struggling with rape. The other point of view - doing so would be doing exactly what this forum is here to prevent, and I may be chasing something that will never come.

Any suggestions for me? I've done a search, but I couldn't find a relevant example.

This should also go out to anyone who thinks rape or date-rape is "ok". It's not. It destroys the girl's entire life, and messes it up for anyone who is ever involved in her future.

 

[eminence]

Yeah thats pretty messed up. I don't know what a Don Juan would do in this situation because i'm still on the way to becoming one. Personally though, if you still care about this girl then the next time she calls to talk ask her to come over/go over her place. Just comfort her and be there for her, even though this is against the Don Juan ways. I think her being a rape victim allows you to break some rules. Maybe suggest to her counselling? If someones depressed long enough it could eventually lead to suicide.

 

[tfwi]

I've suggested counselling... she won't do it. She couldn't even bring herself to say the word "rape" until a couple months ago. She said she would go to a psychologist for depression, but she refuses to bring up that topic.

The only thing I can do, is I've ordered her an excellent book (reviewed by Oprah of all people) about understanding and overcoming rape. But she won't publicly admit it.

She was doing pretty good about dealing with it all, until two months ago. The "friend" who raped her, called her - after a year of not speaking - and wanted to go out for drinks. That's what really set her off....

She can't even afford counselling or a psychologist, because she's a poor college student living with her poor family. I'm much better off than her, so I've offered to help her financially, but she won't take it.

What makes matters worse is this is similar to how she lost her virginity - she was taken advantage of by her ex-boyfriend... And these two people are the only two she's been with besides me. So I can easily imagine how low she must feel...

We see each other about once a week, but neither of us ever speak about "us". She needs help more than she needs me right now. But I'm not sure what the best way to go about things are. I still want to be with her in the future, but above all I need her to be ok.

 

[DasaniWater]

Damn, this is just a shame... things like this traumatize people forever. i know cus my gf went through the same thing her entire life getting taken advantage of, and remember we went for a few months or 4 where she would just start shaking and crying because she was so traumatized but we got through it.... shes fine now, but she never got raped so thats way more serious. you should just try to get her mind on other things, take her out into the world go places make her feel nothing but joy and happyness with you and then she will trust you, but u gotta talk to her about it. tell her its the past and she has her entire future ahead of herself and she cant let some guy ruin it for her... u also gotta t ake things very slow with her..

 

[Jariel]

I found myself in a similar situation with a girl a couple of years back and I turned to 2 friends who had been raped and asked their advice. One was a male and one was a female friend, and they both told me to "walk away". They explained that when you offer a victim a shoulder to cry on they become dependent and it stops them from helping themselves. It also drags you down with them.

I took their advice and left the girl alone. She tried provoking arguments with me and guilt tripping me, but eventually I let go and cut contact with her. Anyway, she contacted me about 8 months later and was back on her feet and happy, had quit drinking and stopped harming herself.

When you indulge a person's problems and cater to their self-pity, you keep them stuck in a rut. They like the sympathy, so they continue wallowing and moaning. If you take that sympathy away, they are left with 2 options: to continue wallowing or to pick themselves up and face it head on.

Think about the military. When a soldier has a minor wound, you never find the sergeant sympathising with him and offering him tender care. He tells him to get back on his feet, ignore the pain and stop being a pvssy! At the end of the day, the soldier pushes through it, gets his wound fixed up and goes on to make a recovery...instead of lying in a ditch moaning about how much it hurts.

 

[Tha Realnezz]

You'd be suprised how many women say they've been raped or molested.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

You'd be suprised how many women say they've been raped or molested.

+1! So many chicks claim to have been raped, molested etc, when in reality they put themselves in these akward situation and ending up doing something they later painfully regretted, as a result its an emotional scar that hangs over their mental psyche.

I can't say for sure if your exgf is being truthful, but honestly that shouldn't be your concern. As a man, you should always look out for #1 before anything else. If you don't put yourself above everyone else, you'll end up getting burned more times than not.

Jariel also had very good advice!



PIMP

 

[flexion_]

Only advice is to move on. If she wanted you in her life she wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

[( . )( . )]

Unfortunately a couple weeks ago, she decided she couldn't do it any more and broke up with me. Her reason was, she needs time on her own to deal with the past, and she can't be with anybody while she does it.

Take the hint bozo, poor b!tch had to come up with this "rape" story to next you and your still not taking the hint.

Three months ago, the effects of the rape started coming up.

Ah the old creeping side effects Wake up to yourself.

This should also go out to anyone who thinks rape or date-rape is "ok".

Oh really! its not?...........Neck up ya parrot. Your like a womens community service commercial but even more patronizing and full of crap.


Go read the bible.

 

[madseason]

You should find out who did this to her, go to his house, and beat the **** out of him until he's a bloody mess...seriously, people who do that deserve some kind of retribution.

 

[Freddy1]

tfwi I would highly suggest you talk to a women psychologist/ women centre or some agency that knows how to deal with this stuff. Its best if you can get another woman to talk to her.
You might want to speak to a female police officer about it. You can just say its anonymous or hypothetical situation you have from a friend.

The faster you get help the faster she'll recover or she may never psychological recover.

I would also keep your girlfriend on a suicide watch.

(Take all rape claims seriously though)

 

[mrRuckus]

She dumped you.

You do nothing but fcuk other girls.

And learn your freakin lesson and don't get involved with rape victims or any other mental crap.

 

[xomel]

ABORT ABORT ABORT!lc

 

[Doggystyle]

I've met and know girls like this, a classic case! Its pure unadultarated unquestionable attention seeking bollox..........side step away whilst rasing the middle finger!
You might think i'm being an unsensitive ****, but seriously i know and have been in situations like this

 

[DarkLight]

I found myself in a similar situation with a girl a couple of years back and I turned to 2 friends who had been raped and asked their advice. One was a male and one was a female friend, and they both told me to "walk away". They explained that when you offer a victim a shoulder to cry on they become dependent and it stops them from helping themselves. It also drags you down with them.

I took their advice and left the girl alone. She tried provoking arguments with me and guilt tripping me, but eventually I let go and cut contact with her. Anyway, she contacted me about 8 months later and was back on her feet and happy, had quit drinking and stopped harming herself.

When you indulge a person's problems and cater to their self-pity, you keep them stuck in a rut. They like the sympathy, so they continue wallowing and moaning. If you take that sympathy away, they are left with 2 options: to continue wallowing or to pick themselves up and face it head on.

Think about the military. When a soldier has a minor wound, you never find the sergeant sympathising with him and offering him tender care. He tells him to get back on his feet, ignore the pain and stop being a pvssy! At the end of the day, the soldier pushes through it, gets his wound fixed up and goes on to make a recovery...instead of lying in a ditch moaning about how much it hurts.

Very sound advice. Well said.

Whether you think so or not... your associated to the "rape" in her mind as well. So the disconnection from you, under this context, will be another beneficial opportunity for her healing to come. She will no longer have any anchors to this horrible incident, and thus can process/integrate the emotions ... moving into healing. When finally seperating yourself from her, do it in the frame of mind, energy of this wisdom. She won't like it in the meantime, but down the line when she is over this and "healthy" again... she'll greatly appreciate it, and respect you.

Peace'

 

[SamePendo]

It seems like there is a bisexual and raped generation coming up. Same as pathetic as those emo dudes, but with social consolation.

At least (the US, and Mexico) is an employed nation, not like some European countries where volunteered unemployment is out of control.

 

[Phyzzle]

tfwi:

I'm afraid the others are right. You'll have to give up on this one. I've been there before. When she's perfectly fine and bubbly for 3 months after the incident, and then suddenly gets the "traumatic stress disorder" just in time to dump you, it ain't kosher.

In my case, the story of the "rape" simply made no sense.

You could offer to bump off the guy who did it. Ask for her cooperation. Is she willing to risk actual hard time to see this guys punished? I'm guessing "no way." Then you'll see if she's serious (she's not).

 

[KillaCam]

It's not your concern anymore.

If this situation is in fact what she says, then it's up to her to seek help. Time doesn't heal, it only covers up the scars. When she is ready to deal with it, she will seek help. You just have to worry about your own life.

It's not your business anymore buddy.

 

[piri]

What's the problem of continuing helping her and, at the same time, getting other girls?
And yeah, grab a baseball bat, know where he lives and kick his ass. I did something like that once. It was SO great, because if he told anything about I kicked his ass, I would tell about what he did (he did not rape a girl, but it was close). Anyway, the girl was just a friend of mine.

But yeah. Help her, you're not gonna leave her in the dump are you? DJ is about self improvement, not selfish improvement, and if you leave her like that, you're not improving at all.
But that should not stop you from having other girls (and even if she's making a fool out of you, you show her you're no fool).

Hope that helps.

 

[DJDamage]

piri that was the worst advice you can ever give someone, I would expect a woman to say that.

What's the problem of continuing helping her and, at the same time, getting other girls?

She dumped him and now she wants him to be her surrogate boyfriend. She will drag him down with her constant drama and this will harm his other relationship with other girls. Lets face it, she is damaged goods and she dumped him, why does he need to stick around??

Misery loves company and that is exectly what he will become: a misrable emotional tampon to boot.

And yeah, grab a baseball bat, know where he lives and kick his ass. I did something like that once. It was SO great, because if he told anything about I kicked his ass, I would tell about what he did (he did not rape a girl, but it was close). Anyway, the girl was just a friend of mine.

Don't be Captain-Save-A-HO. You would be surprised how many girls falsly accuse a man of sexual assults and rape just because they regret doing it or are seeking revenge. If she doesn't want the police to handle this, then she doesn't have a case in my book. Smart advice telling him to go there with a baseball bat and kick his ass!! he will just end up reporting you to the cops and you will be rotting in prison for the next 5 years while this girl will get over her problems and will probably end up fvcking this guy or other guy and forget about you.

But yeah. Help her, you're not gonna leave her in the dump are you? DJ is about self improvement, not selfish improvement, and if you leave her like that, you're not improving at all.

She dumped him therefore he is not obligated to do sh1t. Self improvment is about improving yourself and leaving her will actually help him in his quest.