Justajames
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- Jan 13, 2012
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Hi all, brand new here and I have a situation I was wondering maybe some of you could help me with? Not sure if this is the best place to ask and it's a bit long so please bare with me as I could really use the help..
I made a post on another forum about how my online girlfriend of a few months, whom I plan on meeting for the first time very soon, tends to play hot and cold, as well occasionally playing games like doing and saying things to purposely make me jealous to see how I'll react, and I got some interesting replies that I did not expect. She's gone between hot and cold twice now (in the midst of a third time) where she basically showers me with attention, affection, care, support, everything (often even overdoing it) that I would want, for several weeks at a time, but then it slowly and yet drastically fades, and eventually halts completely. She pushes me away..
The constant calls, texts, and warm words that would usually be present (sometimes all day/night long) are almost or completely nonexistant for several days. Yet during this time she will responding to other's calls, texts (immediately), hang out with friends, basically act normal, friendly, and warm to everyone BUT me. At one point she didnt contact me more than twice in two weeks, and only responded when I asked her wth was going on, making accusations that she must be up to something. And she responded very defensively and angrily as she often does when I call her out on something. In the end the only way she comes running back is if I outright ignore her for several days until she gets upset and shows it.
Anyway it was determined by two people in that forum (who seemed like veterans of that forum), one who was personally experiencing the same thing with his own girlfriend, that this is just what her personality is like due to her childhood and past boyfriend, who was a complete ***hole that abused her. They also think that she's attracted to that type of man (an ***hole) but it's "salvageable" with the right caring, patient person. She also didn't, and doesn't get along with her parents very well, not speaking to her dad at all for I believe several years. The repliers basically said that she'll grow up eventually but she's gonna be kind of wild like this for a while. We're both in our late twenties btw, and we don't live too far away.
The idea with how to deal with this type of woman from both of these two was that she basically need a "rock" in her life. That she needs a masculine man who doesn't take her crap but can also stay in control, see through her games, and yet be her white knight in shining armor. That when she does something "effed" up he would call her out on it and even yell at her when she does but is able to calm down. And she needs that type of man to keep her in line and show her that he cares and is there for her. I do in fact often get the feeling from her too that she does want me to yell at her.
Now I had my own theories ofc as to why she acts this way, previous to hearing this, like maybe she was cheating, playing games, wanting to be the one to chase me, or maybe had some dysfunction. But none of them really added up.. Once I heard their idea though it was almost like a revelation and made a ton of sense. A lot of experiences I had with her and she's told me about really fit. I feel that I can be that white knight in shining armor because I in fact enjoy playing that role or something similar (I plan on doing something medical with my life eventually) especially in my relationships and friendships. I'm also sure that I can be one to keep her in line or at least be man enough to argue with her about her "bs." And on top of that, she really is worth the trouble, but the hot and cold crap is really painful.. I just wish it would even out to "warmness" so she would stop pushing me away, but I guess if that's how she is for now I'll have to deal with it til she does stabalize and mature so to speak..
And honestly, none of this really bothers me THAT much, the hot and cold is the worst of it, and it is very painful at times, but I can live with the games, making me jealous, selfishness, and all that other crap. I just hope she's not cheating, because that's one thing I wouldn't tolerate..
The thing is too, even though they had really great insight on the matter, I'm still a bit confused as to how to handle the whole hot and cold matter. I understand that she may "need" a man to yell at her when she does something wrong, and I have no problem doing that (ofc I want to be myself and speak my mind). But I don't know how that applies to her acting coldly towards me? One guy said when she does hot and cold I do "fire and warm." Whereas "fire" is essentially standing up to her when she does something I don't like, ie calling her out or yelling back if she does, and "warm" is also letting her know that I'm there for her, caring, supportive, etc. But I don't know how that applies to her acting coldly?
Maybe I just need a few more opinions on the whole thing, and thats why I came here. I tend to overthink everything (she knows this too), but I really want this to work cus I really do care a LOT about her and already have strong feelings..
So my questions for those of you who have read and understand, whether you agree or not are as follows..
1) Do you believe it's true that this is just how her personality is and she'll grow up eventually ? Will she grow out of the hot and cold too once she sees how I much I care?
2) Most importantly, how do I handle the hot and cold?..
-Should I tell her to knock it off? And even argue if she gets defensive?
-Should I give her space and continue to just text her occasionally or not at all
-Should I maybe even continue ignoring her? (like I've done and it just makes her furious, but she always eventually comes running back "hot" again)
3) Is it possible I'm just really not enough of a "challenge" to her, and thats why she goes cold, because she's losing interest? Is there some technique perhaps that I missing (reason I'm here) that will keep her interest? I feel like no matter WHAT I do she'll still always go cold..
-I feel like the more care, attention, and affection I show her the faster the coldness accelerates.. But I rarely "chase" her, I act confident, don't throw myself at her, none of the "mistakes" that turn some women off. I actually think I've played most of my cards exceedingly well (while some not so much).
4) On the first two occasions that she did something that really ****** me off I acted very "weak" so to speak, threatening to break up and saying bad things about her. After that I began to act like I just didn't care anymore what she did (even though I did), which was probably just as bad but gave 'slightly' better results. I've also heard the theories that women like a man who doesn't get bothered by her crap, but I think they're just referring to jerks who only want low quality women.
-And unfortunately I feel like she 'may' think I'm a pushover or a wuss now.. especially after the last (worst) thing she did. Is it even possible at this point to salvage after that?
Any input at all would be greatly appreciated, I'm sorry for the long read but I'm really going crazy here -_-
Thanks in advance.
I made a post on another forum about how my online girlfriend of a few months, whom I plan on meeting for the first time very soon, tends to play hot and cold, as well occasionally playing games like doing and saying things to purposely make me jealous to see how I'll react, and I got some interesting replies that I did not expect. She's gone between hot and cold twice now (in the midst of a third time) where she basically showers me with attention, affection, care, support, everything (often even overdoing it) that I would want, for several weeks at a time, but then it slowly and yet drastically fades, and eventually halts completely. She pushes me away..
The constant calls, texts, and warm words that would usually be present (sometimes all day/night long) are almost or completely nonexistant for several days. Yet during this time she will responding to other's calls, texts (immediately), hang out with friends, basically act normal, friendly, and warm to everyone BUT me. At one point she didnt contact me more than twice in two weeks, and only responded when I asked her wth was going on, making accusations that she must be up to something. And she responded very defensively and angrily as she often does when I call her out on something. In the end the only way she comes running back is if I outright ignore her for several days until she gets upset and shows it.
Anyway it was determined by two people in that forum (who seemed like veterans of that forum), one who was personally experiencing the same thing with his own girlfriend, that this is just what her personality is like due to her childhood and past boyfriend, who was a complete ***hole that abused her. They also think that she's attracted to that type of man (an ***hole) but it's "salvageable" with the right caring, patient person. She also didn't, and doesn't get along with her parents very well, not speaking to her dad at all for I believe several years. The repliers basically said that she'll grow up eventually but she's gonna be kind of wild like this for a while. We're both in our late twenties btw, and we don't live too far away.
The idea with how to deal with this type of woman from both of these two was that she basically need a "rock" in her life. That she needs a masculine man who doesn't take her crap but can also stay in control, see through her games, and yet be her white knight in shining armor. That when she does something "effed" up he would call her out on it and even yell at her when she does but is able to calm down. And she needs that type of man to keep her in line and show her that he cares and is there for her. I do in fact often get the feeling from her too that she does want me to yell at her.
Now I had my own theories ofc as to why she acts this way, previous to hearing this, like maybe she was cheating, playing games, wanting to be the one to chase me, or maybe had some dysfunction. But none of them really added up.. Once I heard their idea though it was almost like a revelation and made a ton of sense. A lot of experiences I had with her and she's told me about really fit. I feel that I can be that white knight in shining armor because I in fact enjoy playing that role or something similar (I plan on doing something medical with my life eventually) especially in my relationships and friendships. I'm also sure that I can be one to keep her in line or at least be man enough to argue with her about her "bs." And on top of that, she really is worth the trouble, but the hot and cold crap is really painful.. I just wish it would even out to "warmness" so she would stop pushing me away, but I guess if that's how she is for now I'll have to deal with it til she does stabalize and mature so to speak..
And honestly, none of this really bothers me THAT much, the hot and cold is the worst of it, and it is very painful at times, but I can live with the games, making me jealous, selfishness, and all that other crap. I just hope she's not cheating, because that's one thing I wouldn't tolerate..
The thing is too, even though they had really great insight on the matter, I'm still a bit confused as to how to handle the whole hot and cold matter. I understand that she may "need" a man to yell at her when she does something wrong, and I have no problem doing that (ofc I want to be myself and speak my mind). But I don't know how that applies to her acting coldly towards me? One guy said when she does hot and cold I do "fire and warm." Whereas "fire" is essentially standing up to her when she does something I don't like, ie calling her out or yelling back if she does, and "warm" is also letting her know that I'm there for her, caring, supportive, etc. But I don't know how that applies to her acting coldly?
Maybe I just need a few more opinions on the whole thing, and thats why I came here. I tend to overthink everything (she knows this too), but I really want this to work cus I really do care a LOT about her and already have strong feelings..
So my questions for those of you who have read and understand, whether you agree or not are as follows..
1) Do you believe it's true that this is just how her personality is and she'll grow up eventually ? Will she grow out of the hot and cold too once she sees how I much I care?
2) Most importantly, how do I handle the hot and cold?..
-Should I tell her to knock it off? And even argue if she gets defensive?
-Should I give her space and continue to just text her occasionally or not at all
-Should I maybe even continue ignoring her? (like I've done and it just makes her furious, but she always eventually comes running back "hot" again)
3) Is it possible I'm just really not enough of a "challenge" to her, and thats why she goes cold, because she's losing interest? Is there some technique perhaps that I missing (reason I'm here) that will keep her interest? I feel like no matter WHAT I do she'll still always go cold..
-I feel like the more care, attention, and affection I show her the faster the coldness accelerates.. But I rarely "chase" her, I act confident, don't throw myself at her, none of the "mistakes" that turn some women off. I actually think I've played most of my cards exceedingly well (while some not so much).
4) On the first two occasions that she did something that really ****** me off I acted very "weak" so to speak, threatening to break up and saying bad things about her. After that I began to act like I just didn't care anymore what she did (even though I did), which was probably just as bad but gave 'slightly' better results. I've also heard the theories that women like a man who doesn't get bothered by her crap, but I think they're just referring to jerks who only want low quality women.
-And unfortunately I feel like she 'may' think I'm a pushover or a wuss now.. especially after the last (worst) thing she did. Is it even possible at this point to salvage after that?
Any input at all would be greatly appreciated, I'm sorry for the long read but I'm really going crazy here -_-
Thanks in advance.
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