My GF cheated on me in LTR.

[J]

Thanks guys for all your input.

I understand that i havent been clear about some parts:

- we bought the house together. we both work fulltime.
- she is 27 years old.
- we live togther 4 years

2 years ago, around the time of the affair, we had some troubles. In fact the only trouble was that i worked hard and she felt a little neglegted.
That didnt last for two years, but more like a month or 2. We've had also a lot of good times. I felt something was not normal. I couldnt "prove" it. It was a feeling.

But I dont think "the above" makes a big difference...



I must agree that i'll never be able to trust her 100 %
I'm certain i cant forgive her.
I dont believe in the ONE, there're more fish in the sea.

I know what I must do. I think I was just confused ( to think about 2 second chance). I know I cant look in the mirror if I take her back. So I wont.

 

[DJDamage]

Originally posted by J
I must agree that i'll never be able to trust her 100 %
I'm certain i cant forgive her.
I dont believe in the ONE, there're more fish in the sea.

Once they cheat, you can never trust them again.

They crossed over to the enemy territory line and therefore are not looking out for your interest but their own.

If you do decide to end it you must be careful of how you are going to end it. Since the two of you bought a house together and are sharing many other assests you have to be careful of how you go about, so you won't lose your assets.

I have heard horror stories of men coming home to an empty house, an empty bank account, a restraining order and a court order for a separation trial. The women they were with were plotting and preparing for months for this day and took everything they had (the men were all shocked of how conniving their women were by pretending that they were still in love with them in order for their plot to proceed). Now the men have to scramble and find some money and a good lawyer and be prepared for the court date. If the bank account was a joint account and the woman took all your money there is nothing you can do about it. Also if you don't have proof of purchase's, everything will probably split down the middle or will be in her possession since she took it all.

Protect your ass in all costs. Unless you are sure 100% this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, there is no reason for you to move in with her and have her share with you your expenses.

DjDamage

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Trust has nothing to do with your situation. This is a popular misconception. You can have a woman cheat on you, appologize in the most humble, tearful, heart rending manner and have her be the most loyal partner till death do you part, but this isn't the issue - the issue is Desire. All the marriage counseling and all the trust building in the world will NEVER compensate for a basic lack of desire that is manifested by one partner in infidelity.

Take this 'relationship' to it's logical conclusion: Even if she magically came around to being the ideal wife/GF and satisfied every expectation you ever dreamed of in a spouse, she has proven a demonstrated lack of desire for you - not once, but twice! Trust her all you want; you wont motivate her to desire you.

If my wife of nine and a half years confessed to cheating on me and swore a blood oath to never do so again in the most earnest, guilt wracked way imaginable, I would sincerely believe her regret for her mistake would make her be trustworthy. And I would still have divorce papers written up the next morning because that level of desire I had believed she had for me would always be in question for as long as we remained married.

Every man in an LTR should expect no less than 100% genuine desire / IL from his spouse.

 

[Muppet]

"Trust has nothing to do with your situation. This is a popular misconception. You can have a woman cheat on you, appologize in the most humble, tearful, heart rending manner and have her be the most loyal partner till death do you part, but this isn't the issue "

I have to agree with this, we all make mistakes and wish we did not. Sometimes you are out at a party get a bit drunk, hot girl is hitting on you and you make a mistake. Doing it once then owning up to it and if they feel bad enough prolly will never do it again. But 5+ times means it was no mistake and she knew what she wanted and was doing.

 

[Heretolearn]

Originally posted by Rollo Tomassi
Alright J you asked for my input so here it is.

First, lets do a little assessment of your situation so others can learn from your experience. You're 29 and you've been monogamous with this girl for 5 years meaning you became involved with her at 24 and I'm sure there's a prologue to this as well. I'm not sure how much of this was spent living together, but you bought the house without her help so I'd also assume you are the primary earner and pay for the majority of your responsibilities. You also mention that your 'relationship' was on the rocks about 2 years ago due to your work committment. Again, I'm inclined to believe that you do most of the bill paying here. That's not to presume she's a deadbeat, but it puts things into perspective.

You've basically invested 5 of your prime years (i.e. your 20s) into a loosing situation. You had an opportunity to reassess this 2 years ago and you "worked it out" just long enough to deal with it for 2 more of those prime years. As tough as it is to type this, I cannot fault her for behaving in the manner she did. This is going to sound harsh, but you both are at fault for this situation.

It is not your fault that she 'cheated' on you, lets settle that right now. It is however your delusions and belief in an idealized monogamy during a period in peoples lives where everything conspires to contradict this that fostered you present state. I'm not sure how old she is from your post, but if she is 29 or younger herself, she is necessarily restless since she is fast approaching the time in her life where she must cash in her genetic chips. Your situation is a textbook example of why I ALWAYS tell young men never to even consider monogamy until 28-30 y.o. and even then being very selective and not a marriage committment.

Before the rest of the forum tries to run me up the flagpole for this, let me again say her actions were her own, but by devoting yourself to this idealization prematurely and immaturely you will have an outcome such as what you're experiencing. She is only acting according to what her conditions motivate her to do. If you hold a raw steak in front of a Doberman the dog is going to eat, it's what they do. She will tell you everything she thinks she needs to to ensure you provide her the security she's become accustomed to, but her behaviors will still be prompted by her conditions. It's what she does and not what she says, even when she speaks to you with the utmost sincerity with tears in her eyes, observe the actions.

Now I'm sure I'll get the "You suck Rollo, that b!tch used him" or "She was the lying cheater who should've kept her word and been faithful" etc. etc. to which I'll reply, you're exactly right, she did and she should've, but she didn't. Why? Because they were both operating under these fantasy idealizations that need to looked at critically.

This then leaves J in a tough spot from which he can either profit from or continue on in blissful, AFC, ONEitis prone, pre-whipped ignorance. You've wasted enough precious time in the years you should've invested in yourself instead of trying to make this fantasy work. She gladly took what YOU offered - years 24 through 29 of your life. She (or any woman in this position) will NEVER appreciate this sacrifice; it wont even occur to her. Why should it? Her sexual marketability is on the decline as she ages, your's should be on the incline. She has no frame of reference for this so she cannot realistically consider it.

Don't look at your situation from a pity or apathy standpoint. She's actually done you a magnificent favor by tipping her hand. Not only have you dodged what could've been a lifelong, life-altering mistake by persisting in this idealization, you are freed from this illusion. Do yourself the favor of not looking back. Remember:

You will only get what you have gotten if you keep doing what you have done.

Can you imagine the thread you would've posted if you had continued to "work it out" with this girl into your mid 30s?

You can always postulate that this next time she'll be genuine, but it comes down to the Desire Dynamic.

So what do you do now? The popular (and obvious) idea is to move on, NEXT her focus on yourself. To which I'll add, focus on changing your mind about the necessity of even entertaining an LTR at all - for at least 5 years, exactly the amount of time you've wasted in this ego invested fantasy.

In the meantime Spin More Plates

beautiful post. I can tell you that since I have ended my LTR I have been very lost and confused. BUt all my energy goes to me. It is bizarre and hard to explain but it is so much better and richer than being in a fake relationship.

 

[redsaber9]

Get rid of her ASAP and make sure to get back any expensive gifts you may have given her. Might as well get some of your money back...

 

[MightyMate]

Yeah **** her!

 

[J]

I have taken control of this situation. At least i like to believe that.

I stay in our house. She wanted to swap once a week. I refused, and told her it is her problem. She now lives at her aunts place.

I wired all my money (she doensnt have any savings) to a new private account.
I changed to combination of my safe(vault?). I keep the car papers there too.

I have cut off contact with her. I only call her once a week to empty my balls. She hasnt ****ed though with the guy. I know that for a fact. She had some sex once. It isnt a big diff i mean: sex is sex. If he ****ed her I couldnt have sex with her atm.

Im spinning some records (2). But I'm out there to find some more.

 

[KarmaSutra]

This has helped me more than anything else:

LARRY: You're seeing him now?
Anna nods.
LARRY: Since when?
ANNA: Since my opening last year.
Covering her mouth...
ANNA: I'm disgusting.
LARRY: You're phenomenal. You're so clever. Why did you marry me?
ANNA: I stopped seeing him. I wanted us to work.
LARRY: Why did you tell me you wanted children?
ANNA: Because I did.
LARRY: And now you want children with him?
ANNA: Yes... I don't know.
LARRY: But... we're happy. Aren't we.
She glares at him.
LARRY: You're going to go and live with him?
ANNA: You stay here if you want.
LARRY: Oh, look. I don't give a **** about the spoils. You know, you did this to me the day we met. You let me hang myself for your amusement. Why didn't you just tell me the moment I walked through the door?
ANNA: I was scared.
LARRY: You're a coward, you spoiled *****.
LARRY: Are you dressed 'cause you thought I might hit you?
LARRY: What do you think I am?
ANNA: I've been hit before.
LARRY: Not by me!
LARRY: Is he a good ****?
ANNA: Don't do this.
LARRY: Just answer the question. Is he good?
ANNA: Yes.
LARRY: Better than me?
ANNA: Different.
LARRY: Better?
ANNA: Gentler.
LARRY: What does that mean?
ANNA: You know what it means.
LARRY: Tell me.
ANNA: No.
LARRY: I treat you like a *****.
ANNA: Sometimes.
LARRY: Why would that be?
ANNA: I'm sorry you're a...
LARRY: Don't say it. Don't you ****ing say "You're too good for me." I am, but don't say it. You're making the mistake of your life. You're leaving me because you believe that you don't deserve happiness, but you do, Anna.
LARRY: Did you have a bath because you had sex with him? So you wouldn't smell of him. So you'd feel less guilty?
LARRY: How do you feel?
ANNA: Guilty.
LARRY: Did you ever love me?
ANNA: Yes.
He starts crying. She embraces him.
---
Cut to Dan's. He walks back into his apartment, alone and miserable, and shuts the door.
---
Cut back to Anna's...
LARRY: Did you do it here?
ANNA: No.
LARRY: Why not?
ANNA: Do you wish we did?
LARRY: Just tell me the truth.
ANNA: Yes, we did it here.
LARRY: Where?
Anna points.
ANNA: There.
LARRY: On this. We had our first **** on this. Did you think of me?
LARRY: When? When did you do it here?
LARRY: Answer the question!
ANNA: This evening.
LARRY: Did you ***?
ANNA: Why are you doing this?
LARRY: 'cause I want to know.
ANNA: First he went down on me, and then we ****ed.
LARRY: Who was where?
ANNA: I was on top, then he ****ed me from behind.
LARRY: And that's when you came the second time.
ANNA: Why is the sex so important?
LARRY: Because I'm a ****ing caveman!
LARRY: Did you touch yourself while he ****ed you?
ANNA: Yes.
LARRY: You wank for him.
ANNA: Sometimes.
LARRY: And he does.
ANNA: We do everything that people who have sex do!
LARRY: You enjoy sucking him off.
ANNA: Yes!
LARRY: You like his ****.
ANNA: I love his ****!
LARRY: You like him cumming in your face.
ANNA: Yes!
LARRY: What does it taste like?
ANNA: It tastes like you but sweeter!
LARRY: That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now **** off and die, you ****ed up slag.



That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now **** off and die, you ****ed up slag.

Words to live by.

 

[MacAvoy]

Originally posted by J
I have taken control of this situation. At least i like to believe that.

I stay in our house. She wanted to swap once a week. I refused, and told her it is her problem. She now lives at her aunts place.

I wired all my money (she doensnt have any savings) to a new private account.
I changed to combination of my safe(vault?). I keep the car papers there too.

I have cut off contact with her. I only call her once a week to empty my balls. She hasnt ****ed though with the guy. I know that for a fact. She had some sex once. It isnt a big diff i mean: sex is sex. If he ****ed her I couldnt have sex with her atm.

Im spinning some records (2). But I'm out there to find some more.

Amen brother. It makes me proud everytime someone on here has enough balls to take the advice given and take control of their destiny. Furthermore, I would suggest selling the house and buying a new one, that way you have a fresh start w/out her. Get yourself a pimpin pad. You don't want to be telling the ladies, oh this is the house that I bought w/ my ex who didn't think I was man enough so she cheated on me.

Good job on turning her into a fb. Don't worry if she is gettin fvcked by other guys anymore. Just keep spinning her and other plates.

 

[AbsoluteFreakinChump]

Get-out!

it doesn't matter how mature you think you are.
This Forum is for men who are 25 and older.
So get-out!

Originally posted by Deadly_Assassin
I am actually 22 ( I registered in 2003 when I was 19 ) and I am sure age is not what decides a person's maturity. And I am sure again that age also does not play a part when it comes to figuring out "what life's all about".

I only decided to offer my opinion due to the fact that I have had the same thing happen to my best mate. He happened to take her back and a month later she broke up with him. My mate was devastated and went into a depression for many months.

So thankyou for judging me according to my age next to my name, shows you guys have definetly learnt a lot throughout your lives.

 

[BigFoot]

Forgive her. It happened a long time ago when you two were not getting along well and she now regrets doing it. She was probably afraid to tell you about it.
If you have a good relationship now I would forget it.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Originally posted by BigFoot
Forgive her. It happened a long time ago when you two were not getting along well and she now regrets doing it. She was probably afraid to tell you about it.
If you have a good relationship now I would forget it.

NO!!!





PIMP

 

[J]

Update:

Ended LTR.
Sold my house.
Made new friends.
Getting numbers and dates----> getting into the game. I need some more records though

Work out 5 times a week instead of 2 times.


I not there yet, but I'll get there..

Thanks guys!

 

[Maximus Rex]

The Test

Your being tested. If you take her back, you fail the test. She will no longer respect you or your manhood. I know it's hard, you probably think you "love," her. You have to do two things. 1) Be strong 2) Be a man. You have to take your respect back from this girl. Tell her to pack her sh*t and then break all ties. Tell her to be with the guy she f*cked five times.


In the future, don't let chicks move in with you. The only reason why you would let a chick move in is because she has an engagement ring and your "dry running," a marriage. Other than that, you stay at your house, she stays at hers.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

J: Well done. See that you don't "bump into her to see how she's doing" now.

 

[BobFuest]

Update:

Ended LTR.
Sold my house.
Made new friends.
Getting numbers and dates----> getting into the game. I need some more records though

Work out 5 times a week instead of 2 times.


I not there yet, but I'll get there..

Thanks guys!

dang what you do you spin? hit me up mate. http://myspace.com/gabrielg I play house music. i'll help you keep your mind off her
Other then that, the only thing i didnt agree with was that she would stay with him for 2 years out of guilt. I mean come on that is a really long time for just guilt. she probably did love him.
Other then that, only you know what to decide and you did what you thought was right so congratulations.

 

[Wyldfire]

The tricky party of this is that it happened 2 years ago and isn't happening now. She could have chose this other guy and left you...but she didn't. She chose you, stayed and wanted to make things work.

Trust is not something a relationship can survive without. Clearly, you aren't going to trust her now. Part of you wants to work it out. Since I'm sure everyone else is telling you to leave, I'll tell you what you will need to do if you choose to try to work it out.

IF you plan to try to stay you will need to be able to forgive, let it go (not punish her for her betrayal and mistake once you've decided to forgive) and learn to trust her again. Going out and getting even might make you feel better for a minute...but in the end, it would only make matters worse. It's far easier to overcome cheating that happened a couple of years ago than cheating that happened last week.

Five years is a long time to let go of. That's a big investment. Make sure before you consider trying to work it out and invest more time that the relationship is overall worth it.

One thing that you should consider when a woman cheats it's not about sex. It doesn't mean that there is anything the matter with you as a man. Based on the circumstances at the time this happened you said she was feeling neglected, and although that is not an excuse to cheat, it does make a woman less resistent to outside interference in your relationship. It reallyl sounds like she needed more male attention than you were able to give her for a period of time. She probably didn't set out to cheat on you because for the two of you to have lasted 5 years there must be love there. She likely went looking for innocent attention to fill the void of the circumstances and got in over her head. Even so...it's a big betrayal and those hurt and are mighty destructive.

Ultimately, the only one who can decide what to do about this is you. If you believe that you will lose more by breaking up with her for good than you would gain by it, then trying to repair the damage might be what you want to do.

You might want to take a break for awhile to try to figure out what you want to do. This is a call you really need to make for yourself. Your decision should be based on your own abilities to forgive and trust her again and if there is real love there. Don't base your decision on the bad experiences, past hurts, anger or insecurities of any of the members on this forum. Lean on yourself because none of us know this girl or even you. Just put lost of thought into what you want and what you can handle.

 

[Wyldfire]

I should have read the whole thread first before commenting. Since you already know you can't forgive or trust there's no way you could make it work even if you really wanted it to.

I think you've made the best choice for you.

 

[Bonhomme]

It doesn't look like you're the type for an "open" relationship, so I agree with the others that you should move on and spin more plates.