From time to time I talk to a friend of mine from college. A very cute, very sucessful 26 year old Female whom I kind of wish I would have persued a little harder. But that's neither here nor there. She always tells me about how here and her bf fight constantly about his insecurities. He always has to know where she's at, what she's doing or who she's with. I think it's sad that this guy is like this, but at the same time very weak. Does there ever come a point where she'll get tired and see it's never going to change? Am I in the wrong for telling her to think about herself before thinking about him?
My Friends Bi-Polar/Insecure BF
- Thread starter Disco
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Smoothflow
Don Juan
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Well to me it seems like your freind would like to help this guy out. That she is so secure with herself and would like to pass this to heR significant other. Thinking she can change him, like a hotbabe trying to change a jerk. Same thing applies, females are clever little creatures arent they?
You likely did the right thing in telling her to think about herself.
The thing YOU have to worry about is to make sure she's not just making you her emotional crutch. If you let it happen, this will likely turn out with her complaining/confiding in you, you being "HER ROCK," and listening to endless hours of her problems with her boyfriend.
This is the job of her GIRLFRIENDS, not you. From your post, it sounds like you're kind of attracted to her. If you allow her to turn you into her "male" girlfriend, she'll NEVER see you in a sexual way. Ever. No exceptions. If you are TRULY OK with this scenario, then go ahead and listen to her boyfriend problems day in and day out. Maybe you can use her as a "buddy" to get the woman's point of view with YOUR potential girlfriends. But it will NEVER happen sexually between you two.
If you AREN'T OK with the above situation, this is what you do:
No matter how much you try to convince her to break up with him, it won't happen. WHY? Because by letting her vent her problems & frustrations on YOU, it allows her to TOLERATE still dating him.
Clearly state that you think the guy is a jackass. Basically, undermine the guy's position as the boyfriend. But only hint at it or discuss it briefly. Girls have active imaginations and she'll get the rest without you going into lengthy detail. Then MOVE OFF THE TOPIC.
Hang out very occasionally, have fun, flirt, then GET OUT OF THE PICTURE. Chicks first realize they have romantic feelings for a guy when the guy isn't around and she still finds herself thinking about him. If you hang around her constantly, this will never happen. NEVER, get into deep, emotional conversations. ESPECIALLY about other guys or girls.
The longer you hang out with a girl, the more she learns about you and the more likely it is you'll screw up and start revealing alot of your inner thoughts, fears, dreams, and aspirations. In short, you'll spend all of your "mystery" too fast.
You know what they say, "When the keg is empty, the party's over."
When you're with a girl and she's kind of into you, your goal is to ration out your mystery one little nugget at a time. That way, by the time "the keg" (mystery) is empty, she will have been you such a long time that she's in the habbit of being with you and she stays out of lack of momentum (or some such thing).
The thing YOU have to worry about is to make sure she's not just making you her emotional crutch. If you let it happen, this will likely turn out with her complaining/confiding in you, you being "HER ROCK," and listening to endless hours of her problems with her boyfriend.
This is the job of her GIRLFRIENDS, not you. From your post, it sounds like you're kind of attracted to her. If you allow her to turn you into her "male" girlfriend, she'll NEVER see you in a sexual way. Ever. No exceptions. If you are TRULY OK with this scenario, then go ahead and listen to her boyfriend problems day in and day out. Maybe you can use her as a "buddy" to get the woman's point of view with YOUR potential girlfriends. But it will NEVER happen sexually between you two.
If you AREN'T OK with the above situation, this is what you do:
No matter how much you try to convince her to break up with him, it won't happen. WHY? Because by letting her vent her problems & frustrations on YOU, it allows her to TOLERATE still dating him.
Clearly state that you think the guy is a jackass. Basically, undermine the guy's position as the boyfriend. But only hint at it or discuss it briefly. Girls have active imaginations and she'll get the rest without you going into lengthy detail. Then MOVE OFF THE TOPIC.
Hang out very occasionally, have fun, flirt, then GET OUT OF THE PICTURE. Chicks first realize they have romantic feelings for a guy when the guy isn't around and she still finds herself thinking about him. If you hang around her constantly, this will never happen. NEVER, get into deep, emotional conversations. ESPECIALLY about other guys or girls.
The longer you hang out with a girl, the more she learns about you and the more likely it is you'll screw up and start revealing alot of your inner thoughts, fears, dreams, and aspirations. In short, you'll spend all of your "mystery" too fast.
You know what they say, "When the keg is empty, the party's over."
When you're with a girl and she's kind of into you, your goal is to ration out your mystery one little nugget at a time. That way, by the time "the keg" (mystery) is empty, she will have been you such a long time that she's in the habbit of being with you and she stays out of lack of momentum (or some such thing).
Genghis Juan
Senior Don Juan
I'd rather be THE C0CK to her rather than THE ROCK...
" The longer you hang out with a girl, the more she learns about you and the more likely it is you'll screw up and start revealing alot of your inner thoughts, fears, dreams, and aspirations. In short, you'll spend all of your "mystery" too fast."
If anyone believes this their in fora ride of their life. How LONG do you expect to carry out being a "mystery"?
How long is one to carry the burden of being a mystery just to arouse a womans IL?
MYSTERY eventually gets boring too Ever try to figure out a Rubicks Cube, and set it down after a few tries?
Do you ever think the MORE a woman learns about a guy, the MORE she likes him? (unless he is a loser)
I think its important to convey mystery at first, then slowly show the woman how dynamic and great you really are.
You dont lose a girl because the notion of mystery is tapped out, you lose her because you become predictable and boring and too comfortable and too careless to even TRY and impress her anymore.
If anyone believes this their in fora ride of their life. How LONG do you expect to carry out being a "mystery"?
How long is one to carry the burden of being a mystery just to arouse a womans IL?
MYSTERY eventually gets boring too Ever try to figure out a Rubicks Cube, and set it down after a few tries?
Do you ever think the MORE a woman learns about a guy, the MORE she likes him? (unless he is a loser)
I think its important to convey mystery at first, then slowly show the woman how dynamic and great you really are.
You dont lose a girl because the notion of mystery is tapped out, you lose her because you become predictable and boring and too comfortable and too careless to even TRY and impress her anymore.
First:
This is a classic case of reading out of context. In the SAME post, I also say,
"When you're with a girl and she's kind of into you, your goal is to ration out your mystery one little nugget at a time. That way, by the time "the keg" (mystery) is empty, she will have been you such a long time that she's in the habbit of being with you and she stays out of lack of momentum (or some such thing)."
Perhaps I should have elaborated. You only go through the "discovery" phase of a relationship once. So you may as well take your time and enjoy it. If you blab out all of your soul in one long weekend, it kind of ruins it. Rationing information is good for two reasons:
1) If at the end of discovery, you STILL find each other interesting & have common goals, experiences, etc, then you're in a meaningful LTR. You'll be glad you took your time discovering each other in the beginning.
2) If at the end of discovery, you find that the "newness" has worn off and you don't really like each other, you at least had a few months of an "exciting" relationship instead of 2 or 3 weeks.
Second:
This is a case of semantics. When I say "mystery," in my mind I'm also including the principles of avoiding the "boring" trap, being unpredictable, avoiding being too careless, "letting yourself go" physically, etc.
So in the end, I think we agree.