LJC
Banned
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2001
- Messages
- 165
- Reaction score
- 17
My Fat Girl Story
Well, considering everyone here is so paranoid about being seen as an AFC who boinks whales, I decided to shead all fear and tell my fat girl story. That's right. No suave tips in this thread. No magic trick pick up techniques. No ****y & funny lines. This is simply going to be about good old fashioned mass consumption of alcohol and very poor descision making.
I was only about 22 years old at the time. I lived with one of my best buddies and we were absolute bumbs back then. We were way behind on the rent, 2 or 3 months at least, and we decided to throw a rent party. The landlord was desperate and gave us the full a-ok on this, so we took it to the max. We printed up flyers ( A drunk Bill The Cat from the Doonesbury comic strip surrounded by empty beer cans) and basically handed them out to every person we ever knew. We even stuck them on windshields in the parking lots of malls. 5 bucks got you in, and when the night came, so many people showed we couldn't fit them all into the apartment and it spilled out into the streets. Let's just put it this way, so many people showed up that not only did we pay all of the back rent, we had hundreds extra to spare.
With the rent paid, pressure was off and I was in full swing to polishing off nearly a full fifth of Southern Comfort in celebration of the evening's success. Things got very fuzzy and the drunken stupor I was in was almost dreamzotic. Faces that were too happy to see me, people being too friendly...
The next thing I remember was waking up next to some fat brunette with jawls like Howdy Doody. I swear to God this girl had the face of a wooden puppet. It was so obvious that I had to endure tranquilatist jokes for weeks .
So here it is, the typical "morning after" setting. Plastic cups everywhere, strangers sleeping in the corner, odd smells and big old fatty in my bed. I stare at the cieling for a while and vow to God that I will never drink Southern Comfort again, which is a vow I have stuck to ever since. Suddenly the unthinkable happens: it awakes.
She slings her arm over me and says in a very satisfying, very cuddly kind of voice, "Good morning, sexy". I play up the heavy hangover, which was easy to do, and completely ignore her. Luckily, I pass out again. Unluckily, I wake up again and the same sh-t happens all over, only this time, I can't seem to fall back into that hangover coma. F-ck. I'm awake. It's over. Back to reality.
So everyone awakens and it's a morning of lazy, midless, stumbling "food in hole" kind of shuffling about. Eventually everyone is wide awake and there are a lot of questions swirling in a lot of heads. It's that uncomfortable silence in the room, and all eyes are on the whale who is hanging on to me as if the moment she lets go I am gone forever (which is exactly what I was going for).
Buddy: "Who's your friend there, LJC?"
Me: "F-ck you"
Buddy: "C'mon, dude. Why don't you introduce us?"
Me: "F-ck you"
The Whale: "Hi! My name is blah blah bludder"
Buddy: "Hi, blah blah bludder. Boy, you anf LJC had quite a night, huh?"
Me: "F-ck you".
The Whale: "Why are you talking to your friend that way? It's not nice"
Me to Whale: "F-ck you too".
Whale: "Why are you being so mean?"
Me: "I'm sorry. I get like that. I'm a drug addict, you know."
Whale: "Oh. I understand. But I wont judge you."
F-ck!
I tried everything, man. I was as rude as a guy could be, but she just kept saying it was ok, "I understand".
I even threw DARTS at this *****. Seriously. I was so pissed off I would walk into the room with a hand full of darts and whip them in her direction hitting the wall over her head. She still f-cking loved me. WTF?!?!
Of course, by now my friends knew I wasn't f-cking around and wanted to get rid of this b-tch. So my boy John calls on his girl to take care of the problem. She finds the stupidest reason to get up in her face, which I can't remember, and all I can recall is that the Whale's keys somehow end up in the ice/slush brook next to the apartment and these two brauds are fighting half-clothed and slipping on the ice outside.
Of course, what made it all so great was that we live right around the corner from a church and this was Sunday morning, with very respectable, conservative types going to mass, or whatever the hell they do.
At any rate, I don't know if there is a moral to this story, but if you've got one in mind, run with it.
Well, considering everyone here is so paranoid about being seen as an AFC who boinks whales, I decided to shead all fear and tell my fat girl story. That's right. No suave tips in this thread. No magic trick pick up techniques. No ****y & funny lines. This is simply going to be about good old fashioned mass consumption of alcohol and very poor descision making.
I was only about 22 years old at the time. I lived with one of my best buddies and we were absolute bumbs back then. We were way behind on the rent, 2 or 3 months at least, and we decided to throw a rent party. The landlord was desperate and gave us the full a-ok on this, so we took it to the max. We printed up flyers ( A drunk Bill The Cat from the Doonesbury comic strip surrounded by empty beer cans) and basically handed them out to every person we ever knew. We even stuck them on windshields in the parking lots of malls. 5 bucks got you in, and when the night came, so many people showed we couldn't fit them all into the apartment and it spilled out into the streets. Let's just put it this way, so many people showed up that not only did we pay all of the back rent, we had hundreds extra to spare.
With the rent paid, pressure was off and I was in full swing to polishing off nearly a full fifth of Southern Comfort in celebration of the evening's success. Things got very fuzzy and the drunken stupor I was in was almost dreamzotic. Faces that were too happy to see me, people being too friendly...
The next thing I remember was waking up next to some fat brunette with jawls like Howdy Doody. I swear to God this girl had the face of a wooden puppet. It was so obvious that I had to endure tranquilatist jokes for weeks .
So here it is, the typical "morning after" setting. Plastic cups everywhere, strangers sleeping in the corner, odd smells and big old fatty in my bed. I stare at the cieling for a while and vow to God that I will never drink Southern Comfort again, which is a vow I have stuck to ever since. Suddenly the unthinkable happens: it awakes.
She slings her arm over me and says in a very satisfying, very cuddly kind of voice, "Good morning, sexy". I play up the heavy hangover, which was easy to do, and completely ignore her. Luckily, I pass out again. Unluckily, I wake up again and the same sh-t happens all over, only this time, I can't seem to fall back into that hangover coma. F-ck. I'm awake. It's over. Back to reality.
So everyone awakens and it's a morning of lazy, midless, stumbling "food in hole" kind of shuffling about. Eventually everyone is wide awake and there are a lot of questions swirling in a lot of heads. It's that uncomfortable silence in the room, and all eyes are on the whale who is hanging on to me as if the moment she lets go I am gone forever (which is exactly what I was going for).
Buddy: "Who's your friend there, LJC?"
Me: "F-ck you"
Buddy: "C'mon, dude. Why don't you introduce us?"
Me: "F-ck you"
The Whale: "Hi! My name is blah blah bludder"
Buddy: "Hi, blah blah bludder. Boy, you anf LJC had quite a night, huh?"
Me: "F-ck you".
The Whale: "Why are you talking to your friend that way? It's not nice"
Me to Whale: "F-ck you too".
Whale: "Why are you being so mean?"
Me: "I'm sorry. I get like that. I'm a drug addict, you know."
Whale: "Oh. I understand. But I wont judge you."
F-ck!
I tried everything, man. I was as rude as a guy could be, but she just kept saying it was ok, "I understand".
I even threw DARTS at this *****. Seriously. I was so pissed off I would walk into the room with a hand full of darts and whip them in her direction hitting the wall over her head. She still f-cking loved me. WTF?!?!
Of course, by now my friends knew I wasn't f-cking around and wanted to get rid of this b-tch. So my boy John calls on his girl to take care of the problem. She finds the stupidest reason to get up in her face, which I can't remember, and all I can recall is that the Whale's keys somehow end up in the ice/slush brook next to the apartment and these two brauds are fighting half-clothed and slipping on the ice outside.
Of course, what made it all so great was that we live right around the corner from a church and this was Sunday morning, with very respectable, conservative types going to mass, or whatever the hell they do.
At any rate, I don't know if there is a moral to this story, but if you've got one in mind, run with it.
