My family seems to be an obstacle

[slipstreamer83]

Hi guys,

I have been here for a while now, and I have read the bible. There are things in my head that I know are wrong. Some of them have been fixed, but it is very difficult to change everything.

One that scares me a lot is the image of my family. I would feel terribly ashamed if I had to tell my family that I have a girlfriend. I have never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl. Not only do I have issues with the girls themselves, then my family is another issue. I always imagine myself getting a girl and then justifying that to my family.

The funny thing is that when I was 5 or so I would play child games with girls, normal stuff. My mother knew about that one day, and she went down on me like a ton of bricks.

The other funny thing is that I feel free to feel something for a girl and talk with here when I am far away from my family, where they do not have to know about it.

My father asks me every once in a while if I have a girlfriend. I always tell him no, and I would feel very embarrassed if I had to tell him yes.

Well, that was my post. I just wanted to write something about it to feel better and know if there is someone who can relate to this.

 

[djay]

Hey man,
Why would you be ashamed to tell your family you have a girlfriend??
It is human interaction at its most basic - men and women getting together and making more humans - what belief system or religion could possibly make it embarassing?
Also, how old are you?

 

[slipstreamer83]

I am 21. yeah, my family is like that. Once I was in a club with my sisters, I saw a girl and I looked at her and smiled. She smiled back and said "hi". I told that to one of my sisters. She laughed and didn´t tell me anything more. I don´t know you guys, but I would expect that my sister, who is a good 13 years older than me, would give me some f*cking advice there, but she just doesnt care.

My mother would consider having a girlfriend as something very special, as if it is not normal, or as if it is winning the lottery now (if my mind is f*cked up, then my mother´s is completely out of order.) My father thinks that I should study and forget about women until I finish my degree, when I will have time to worry about them. No comment.

Only my brother, who is 10 years older than me, has helped me a bit getting out of the wussy trance that I suffered with the last girl I fell in love? with.

I feel like I love my brother more than anyone else in my family. My parents... I feel a bit "dirty" thinking this, but I do not think I love them. I might feel grief for them because of the negativity they have, but IMO that´s not love.

 

[fuzzy]

To not have a girlfriend until you've finished your degree is just not cool dude.. having a girl is normal and natural. If you want a girlfriend go get one.. don't let your parents hold you back (although i think deep down inside they want you to get a girl). And most importantly - STOP BEING PESSIMISTIC.. the glass isnt half empty.. stop using imaginary visions of your parents dissapointment to discourage you into not going for a girl.. that's just taking the wussy way out.. and you said you don't want to be a wuss.

You're parents were boyfriend and girlfriend once too dude...

 

[sexual_intellectual]

I think at least part of the problem is you.

I used to imagine my Mum + sister's reaction to me bringing home a girl. Then one day, when I did, they were both very surprised. Like shocked out of their minds. So were most of my friends. Especially cos she looked so good

I think the way I was (seeming shy around women, acting disinterested, loads of psychological stuff I can't be bothered explaining) convinced some people close to me that I was destined to be single for a long, long time.

To hook up with girls, even now, I find it works a lot better the less contact the girl has with my family (especially mum and sis). They've never had a positive effect on any of my relationships.

Though I love them dearly, would do ANYTHING for them. I just maintain some distance between them and my interactions with the female of the species. I recommend you do the same - IMO its part of growing up.

 

[Desdinova]

Damn, can I ever relate to this!

The funny thing is that when I was 5 or so I would play child games with girls, normal stuff. My mother knew about that one day, and she went down on me like a ton of bricks.

I had the same issues all through my childhood and teen years. I wasn't allowed to have any type of association with women. My mother would always go off on this speech about me getting AIDS. She would physically turn my head if I was looking at a woman. I would just sneak out and date women and tell her I was going to a friend's house.

I feel like I love my brother more than anyone else in my family. My parents... I feel a bit "dirty" thinking this, but I do not think I love them

I'm the same way. I don't feel that "love" that most people do for their parents. After I moved out, I really began to see what kind of people my parents are. They're not nice people. If they weren't related to me, I would have nothing to do with them.

You basically have two choices:
1) Continue to live up to their expectations, devote yourself to pleasing them, and remain at home until your 42 years old.

2) Stand up to them. Start acting like an individual human being and adult, and start doing things the way YOU want to do them.

Some parents are incredible control freaks, and you might run into some big problems becoming an independant individual. Your relationship with your parents may deteriorate when you begin being independant. I'll tell you something, it's worth it. I was forced to move out when my parents tried to put a stop to my independance. I couldn't take it. I went and began a life of my own, and I would never go back to living under the control of my parents again.

 

[FM 3321]

Originally posted by slipstreamer83
Hi guys,

I have been here for a while now, and I have read the bible. There are things in my head that I know are wrong. Some of them have been fixed, but it is very difficult to change everything.

One that scares me a lot is the image of my family. I would feel terribly ashamed if I had to tell my family that I have a girlfriend. I have never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl. Not only do I have issues with the girls themselves, then my family is another issue. I always imagine myself getting a girl and then justifying that to my family.

The funny thing is that when I was 5 or so I would play child games with girls, normal stuff. My mother knew about that one day, and she went down on me like a ton of bricks.

The other funny thing is that I feel free to feel something for a girl and talk with here when I am far away from my family, where they do not have to know about it.

My father asks me every once in a while if I have a girlfriend. I always tell him no, and I would feel very embarrassed if I had to tell him yes.

Well, that was my post. I just wanted to write something about it to feel better and know if there is someone who can relate to this.

I think that's why so many men these days have trouble with women. Alot of parents discourage their boys from being successful with women. My dad use to tell me, "be careful with women, you can get diseases."

Yeah, thanks for telling me how evil women are. And to think I actually waited for Santa to come down the chimney too.

Oh well, time to unravel the mess my parents made by reading the DJ Bible, listening to Dave DeAngelo, Ross Jeffiries and going out to the field and dating other women.

 

[KOSR]

Basically your family is messed up, just like mine. It's called a dysfunctional family.

Create a live for yourself, become self-reliant, don't depend on anything from them.

If you want to know what is messed up with your family buy this book: Bradshaw On: The family

It's not as bad as it sounds, everbody is messed up, some a little more than others, it's ultimately no ones fault.

 

[Alpine]

Knight,

Bradshaw

Didn't he do 'toxic shame' as well? I think these are books that will help give you an insight.

You are sort of understanding why you feel shame, but not able to change your belief yet, and consequentially your actions either.

Another way to look at it is that you are still evaluating your reactions as a CHILD, you are stuck and need to re-evavuate it as an ADULT.

It wasn't appropriate then, but it is now. Once you see it that way I reckon you'll be fine.

You may also be making assumptions about what your parents will think NOW. However you may be pleasantly suprised if you directly ask them. Having said that even a negative answer should not influence your decision.

Stick an empty chair beside you. Imagine your mums there. Really tell her how you feel, let it all out. Imagine her responses.

Do this for 10-20mins it's a nice little 'trick' just do it when there's no one else about

 

[dietzcoi]

I love collecting these tales to use when chumps go on and on about how wonderful it will be to be married and have kids...


Wake up people, most families are disfunctional!

Slipstreamer

Your parents obviously did not need to be parents, but here you are. Do not listen to anything they tell you any more. You are 21... finish your degree and MOVE OUT.

Trust me, you still have a lot of time to deal with women. Most of us did not break out of our AFCness until we were much older than you. Relax, deprogram yourself, you will be OK.

Dietzcoi

 

[KOSR]

Bradshaw also did "toxic shame...," yes. He is the best because he talks with a zeal and hope instead of just naming facts like those other "recovery" books do; you have this, do this, then that, Zzz.

I guess the biggest problems for family's are these; alcoholism or any other drug dependency, christian/religious way of rearing childeren, and over-achieving parents and the likes. But there are many more causes, but these defenitely have a huge impact.

slipstreamer83, know that millions of people are going thruw the same thing, a lot of family's are very insecure about sexuality, so everything related to that gets "shamed" in whatever way. So basic humans drives, feeling horny, get linked to something bad, something shamefull, not healthy at all, but it happen just about everywhere.

Take care man! It's tough in the beginning, but once the car starts to roll you will realize where all the hard work was good for.

 

[dietzcoi]

Knight

Yes, the overly religious upbringings we all get often have a negative effect on a person's sexuality. No doubt about it.

The worst are the hypocrites who are wild as young people, then "find Jesus" and repress their own kids. Of course it never works out in the end, the kids find their own way. Not sure why people keep trying to repress the younger generations...

Dietzcoi

 

[slipstreamer83]

Hi guys, thanks for al these answers!!!

I think that the real problem is that I have always had this limiting belief about women, but I wouldn´t recognize it until 2 days ago!!!

And I now what to do with limiting beliefs Read the thread about RESPONSIBILITY in the Tips forum and it has helped me set the way I´m going to get rid of this limiting belief. Basicaly it says that you guys have to take responsibility of your actions and beliefs, or you will be influenced by them, thus you won´t feel happy.

Now I would like to make my brain BELIEVE that my family won´t feel bad if they see me with a girl, instead they will feel delighted, because that´s what they want for me!!

What I want to do now is sitting down and examine ALL the limiting beliefs that I may have, and change the beliefs associated with them, and it´s something that I recommend that you guys do.

Yea, if you really feel that there´s no problem if your family sees you with a girl, then that´s another problem that you have sorted out in order to get what you want from women.

 

[spidersense]

I sort of have a similar problem.. but mine is like, I've never had a girlfriend around my familiy, not since high school at least... but NOW, I really don't want a girlfriend at all... how do I break the news to my family that I'm a pimp?

 

[Ragin_Asian]

Yea Ive read up on Bradshaw. Good book but gets a bit boring on a few things.

I kinda have a similar situation but most of it was kind of subconscious. My real dad past away when I was only 4 and witness every bad thing that happened to my mum when she wanted to move on and finally have a lover and provider for the family. That kinda put me off having relationships. Also my sister had to constantly fight with my parents to actually keep her boyfriend for about 5 to 6 years until the thumbs up was given. theyve been together for nearly 9 years now.

During those times I kinda took all that info in and didn't want to suffer the "toxic shame" and turned out to be a king AFC because of that. By avoiding all that drama I kinda swayed away from being a normal male. Now after slowly realising why both my family and my behaviour are like it was, I finally learnt how to deal with and start living my life on my own terms.

 

[ogre]

slipstreamer83,

yes, I know where you're at. it was the same for me.

you started out as a normal happy kid until age 5 when your mamma struck you down with fear and shame of your own sexuality. she in essence cut your balls off.

You have to fire your parents. Not only are they wrong, but they are child abusers. Not all abuse is physical. The emotional damage left behind is the same. You should be very angry at them for what they have done to you, for the happiness that they stole from you. They are miserable people, and to make you understand their pain they made you miserable too.

There is nothng "sinful" about sexuality. If God did not want us to be sexual, he would not have created us with sexuality. We would not have emotions like love and desire.

Most Christians misinterpret the meaning of "sin" and that's largely the fault of the Church, as it has obscured and twisted the original intent of our Lord. A "sinful" mind is one that is attached to the physical world, whereas a "faithful" or "spiritual" mind is one that knows that another world exists beyond this one. That's all. think of it like in the movie "the Matrix". The "sinful" people are trapped in the Matrix, never knowing that their entire "reality" is a fabrication.

What's "sinful", that is immoral, is being irresponsible with your sexuality, like getting a girls pregnant and abandoning them. or abusing children. Or engaging in in sexual perversion like homosexuality, paedophelia, bestialty, and such. These are not acceptable "lifestyles" and no amount of peer pressure from the politically-correct thought police is gonna convince me otherwise.

 

[Abbott]

If it's so bad, then why not move out?

It's expensive, and depending on your situation, you may have negative financial consequences. But, what good is money if you aren't happy?

You'll feel about a million times happier, believe me. For a year, my parents paid my rent and I lived by myself. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. When they didn't want to pay my rent anymore (and I failed to find a job), I had to move back and it made me sad.

About your family annoying you, I'm definately on the same page as you on that. I've never had a girlfriend either. Plus, my mother is a hardcore Christian who seems pretty conservative and feels that I should only be with (and be like) certain people (I'm anything but, however). My father isn't conservative but I don't think I'd tell him if I found a woman.

Being a hardcore Atheist already makes the relationship with my mother difficult, so I definately can't tell her if I find a woman. I can see it now...my mother will ask her lots of questions (both about her and me), and will probably be bothered if she isn't a certain way.

My father, well....he doesn't like the fact that I'm kind of bitter about women, as well as cynical. He'd also tell me to do certain things which I won't agree with (because they may seem AFC). He also doesn't like some attitudes I have about women (I'm slightly chauvanist, but so is everyone here I think......and, I'll only date white women because I just can't see myself with anything else).

Ben

 

[dietzcoi]

Again and again, I have to hear how the religious fanatics cause only pain...

When will they wake up and learn?

Dietzcoi