my ex's best friend

[SoCalMike]

Aww screw it, you're right why should I let my ex prevent me from seein someone I like.

If it doesn't work out, there's plenty of other attractive and intelligent ladies out there. Always gotta remember to keep the oneitis at bay.

I'll give it a shot, I'll let you know how it works out.

 

[SoCalMike]

Ok so like I said I was going to go for this and report the results.

And the results are this:

My ex's best friend (the one I liked) and i were hanging out along with others in a group last weekend. I started feeling the situation out, by being flirty with her. I was getting nowhere, and in fact she was being downright hostile in response.

Keep in mind this is totally different from how she was when I first met her, which was before getting involved with her friend (my ex).

Well, to make a long story short - and this should come as no surprise - my ex has painted a very very bad picture of me in this girls mind. She thinks I'm scum. LOL

Somehow, in the midst of a lot of drinking, the subject of my ex came up and this b*tch just laid into me. Saying how I "always brought her (my ex) down and made her cry", "used her" "manipulated her" etc. I know what all these things mean, and have seen genuine cases of them, but I in no way did any of them.

The reality is, my ex was not an emotionally mature person. The slightest thing would make her cry, kinda like a 2 year old. And she came out WAY ahead after being with me - financially speaking, and in terms of her lifestyle choices/behavior/maturity. She got nice furniture out of the deal, a credit card paid off, numerous car repairs, quit smoking, quit drinking, better job (with my help), etc

Yet somehow I "used her" and "manipulated her". I really had no idea WTF this even meant... apparently just having sex with someone and then eventually breaking up is "using" and "manipulating" in this girls mind.

At any rate, I'm glad this was resolved, even though it wasn't the outcome I expected.

One other thing I learned about this: you may think you know what a girl is like until you see a certain side of her that is normally hidden. The viciousness with which she carried out her verbal assault was rather astonishing. Hot and intelligent as she is... she's got a mean and angry side which was downright scary.

 

[jophil28]

Yet somehow I "used her" and "manipulated her". I really had no idea WTF this even meant... apparently just having sex with someone and then eventually breaking up is "using" and "manipulating" in this girls mind.

Here is some insight for you into the female thinking process ( hmmm, "thinking " may be a stretch .LoL.)

When a man breaks up with her ( dumped or not ) the first response by a woman generally is to return to her beloved "victimhood".
The vast majority of women immediately resort to recruiting their girly network to collude in a campaign of blame and shame of YOU.
Your reputation is blackened and and you are labeled as a perp in a variety of ways by all women who hear the story .The drama, and it details, are broadcast far and wide and repeated endlessly . IT is assumed in womanland that women OWE each other automatic understanding and sympathy as an indicator of female loyalty. THis is why her friend attacked you. This is also the way in which they protect their delusion of being "perfect " and "infallible."

Women these days also have the view that they did you a favor by being in a relationship with you. Therefore you are further seen as a ungrateful pig who did not have the smarts to realize that you had your dreamgirl ..

Now get this - THe facts of the break up are irrelevant to her and her g/fs .
Any poor behavior on her part which is revealed accidentally in her retelling of "the breakup story " is justified and rationalised by her friends.

*IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.* Forever !
If your ex was a liar or cheated on you it is assumed that you " made her do it" by some your own behavior, or your neglect of her "needs" .

This is just the way it is. YOu cant fix it or change how other people,especially other women, "hear" your ex's slanted version.

Suck it up.

 

[SoCalMike]

Here is some insight for you into the female thinking process ( hmmm, "thinking " may be a stretch .LoL.)

When a man breaks up with her ( dumped or not ) the first response by a woman generally is to return to her beloved "victimhood".
The vast majority of women immediately resort to recruiting their girly network to collude in a campaign of blame and shame of YOU.
Your reputation is blackened and and you are labeled as a perp in a variety of ways by all women who hear the story .The drama, and it details, are broadcast far and wide and repeated endlessly . IT is assumed in womanland that women OWE each other automatic understanding and sympathy as an indicator of female loyalty. THis is why her friend attacked you. This is also the way in which they protect their delusion of being "perfect " and "infallible."

Women these days also have the view that they did you a favor by being in a relationship with you. Therefore you are further seen as a ungrateful pig who did not have the smarts to realize that you had your dreamgirl ..

Now get this - THe facts of the break up are irrelevant to her and her g/fs .
Any poor behavior on her part which is revealed accidentally in her retelling of "the breakup story " is justified and rationalised by her friends.

*IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.* Forever !
If your ex was a liar or cheated on you it is assumed that you " made her do it" by some your own behavior, or your neglect of her "needs" .

This is just the way it is. YOu cant fix it or change how other people,especially other women, "hear" your ex's slanted version.

Suck it up.

Holy crap, you nailed it!! Very well put.

Women do stick up for one another regardless of what actually happens between them and their bfs / husbands.

Actually, this girl even witnessed my ex behaving poorly toward me on several occasions. But it's still all my fault.

Here is one example: an incident occurred where my ex started crying at a party because I didn't want to stay the night with her. I had already made plans well in advance to move heavy sound equipment with a friend early the next morning (for a show he was putting on). So I had to leave early, get some rest. I hadn't even planned to attend the party, but did so to make her happy.

When I mentioned this incident to her friend (as she was ripping me a new one), her response: YOU MADE HER THIS WAY. YOU MADE HER INSECURE AND EMOTIONAL BY TREATING HER BADLY. Can you f-in believe that???

Another example: my ex accepted a job at a low rate of pay. I was angry and told her she should have asked for more. I was angry mostly at the company who was taking advantage of her, but also somewhat at her for not sticking up for herself more. This was "treating her badly" according to her friend. Why? Because she was happy about the new job but I "brought her down".

So from these two examples you can see what you said is very accurate. When it comes to logic and accountability, women really are like children.

"suck it up"? well, yeah. I'm actually glad I saw this side of a girl who I was infatuated with. It quickly broke the image I had of her, and she no longer occupies my thoughts the way she used to.

And what I mean by "this side" of her is this: it's not that she was simply scolding me for perceived wrongs. It was the amount of anger - of sheer vitriol - that was coming out of her. It was completely uncalled for, even if everything she was saying about me was true. Her facial expression, tone of voice, etc. were literally frightening. And being drunk is no excuse... drinking makes the real you come out, it doesn't change the real you.

I actually feel sorry for the next fellow who has to deal with this girl.

 

[Heretolearn]

Ok so like I said I was going to go for this and report the results.

And the results are this:

My ex's best friend (the one I liked) and i were hanging out along with others in a group last weekend. I started feeling the situation out, by being flirty with her. I was getting nowhere, and in fact she was being downright hostile in response.

Keep in mind this is totally different from how she was when I first met her, which was before getting involved with her friend (my ex).

Well, to make a long story short - and this should come as no surprise - my ex has painted a very very bad picture of me in this girls mind. She thinks I'm scum. LOL

Somehow, in the midst of a lot of drinking, the subject of my ex came up and this b*tch just laid into me. Saying how I "always brought her (my ex) down and made her cry", "used her" "manipulated her" etc. I know what all these things mean, and have seen genuine cases of them, but I in no way did any of them.

The reality is, my ex was not an emotionally mature person. The slightest thing would make her cry, kinda like a 2 year old. And she came out WAY ahead after being with me - financially speaking, and in terms of her lifestyle choices/behavior/maturity. She got nice furniture out of the deal, a credit card paid off, numerous car repairs, quit smoking, quit drinking, better job (with my help), etc

Yet somehow I "used her" and "manipulated her". I really had no idea WTF this even meant... apparently just having sex with someone and then eventually breaking up is "using" and "manipulating" in this girls mind.

At any rate, I'm glad this was resolved, even though it wasn't the outcome I expected.

One other thing I learned about this: you may think you know what a girl is like until you see a certain side of her that is normally hidden. The viciousness with which she carried out her verbal assault was rather astonishing. Hot and intelligent as she is... she's got a mean and angry side which was downright scary.

THoughts: Sounds like you are still into the girl (the friend) more from this.

The fact that she is speaking to you I would think gives you hope as it gave you a chance to tell your side (more experienced vets may be able to correct me). I have had this happen and usually the girls just treat you like crap (as the awesome post from JoPhil) but DO NOT let you explain (of course no point even if you do whilst they are 'banding' together).

See you are not ever going to get a chance to date the girl without either her leaving her group OR her role changing in that group (girls will think badly of her/jealous/threatened etc. Actually it just confirms that lol)

So cut all contact with them or limit and go have fun elsewhere

Good luck

 

[SoCalMike]

THoughts: Sounds like you are still into the girl (the friend) more from this.

The fact that she is speaking to you I would think gives you hope as it gave you a chance to tell your side (more experienced vets may be able to correct me). I have had this happen and usually the girls just treat you like crap (as the awesome post from JoPhil) but DO NOT let you explain (of course no point even if you do whilst they are 'banding' together).

See you are not ever going to get a chance to date the girl without either her leaving her group OR her role changing in that group (girls will think badly of her/jealous/threatened etc. Actually it just confirms that lol)

So cut all contact with them or limit and go have fun elsewhere

Good luck

Not into her anymore at all bro. Once I saw the psycho side my inatuation vainshed. That's just the way I am.

Def. gonna cut all ties!

 

[jophil28]

And what I mean by "this side" of her is this: it's not that she was simply scolding me for perceived wrongs. It was the amount of anger - of sheer vitriol - that was coming out of her. It was completely uncalled for, even if everything she was saying about me was true. Her facial expression, tone of voice, etc. were literally frightening. And being drunk is no excuse... drinking makes the real you come out, it doesn't change the real you.

I actually feel sorry for the next fellow who has to deal with this girl.

Question..How do you figure she got herself so revved up, and in such a mental state to attack you for your "alleged " behavior with her friend, your G/f?

Answer..She is carrying a lot of your G/f s anger which she absorbed from the endless late night whining and baitching session that they had together about you.. Her puking it out on you is what she felt obligated to do for her friend . SHe also may by expressing her own shyte from one of her own broken relationships onto you.

THis is what girls do for each other out of a sense of loyalty to the 'sister hood.' I say again - they do NOT care about the facts. Listen to how the focus was always on your G/fs FEELINGs and how YOU caused them. !
Were either of them capable or willing to listen to the reality of who did what or who really caused what ?
THis is the female equivalent of our tradition of sticking by your buddy if some hammered goon starts getting 'smartass' with him in a bar.

Time to hunt for better ducks, my man

 

[Heretolearn]

Not into her anymore at all bro. Once I saw the psycho side my inatuation vainshed. That's just the way I am.

Def. gonna cut all ties!

Cool, sounds like you are handling it well and good luck!

 

[jophil28]

When I mentioned this incident to her friend (as she was ripping me a new one), her response: YOU MADE HER THIS WAY. YOU MADE HER INSECURE AND EMOTIONAL BY TREATING HER BADLY. Can you f-in believe that???

YEah, Im not surprised that she sprouted that crap ..

YOu are always going to be held responsible for the viability of a woman's feelings ..
Their logic is chillingly simple - the man in a woman's life is responsible for making her feel loved, wanted,sexual desirable and generally valuable and worthwhile . Ergo, if she is not feeling these emotions, or feeling badly, then you are to blame.

Simple !

 

[Heretolearn]

YEah, Im not surprised that she sprouted that crap ..

YOu are always going to be held responsible for the viability of a woman's feelings ..
Their logic is chillingly simple - the man is a woman's life is responsible for making her feel loved, wanted,sexual desirable and generally valuable and worthwhile . Ergo, if she is not feeling these emotions, or feeling badly, then you are to blame.

Simple !

The funny thing is that the flipside is not true i.e if she feels great that is nothing to do with the guy (lol may even be in SPITE of the guy)....

funny world we live in

 

[SoCalMike]

Question..How do you figure she got herself so revved up, and in such a mental state to attack you for your "alleged " behavior with her friend, your G/f?

Answer..She is carrying a lot of your G/f s anger which she absorbed from the endless late night whining and baitching session that they had together about you.. Her puking it out on you is what she felt obligated to do for her friend . SHe also may by expressing her own shyte from one of her own broken relationships onto you.

THis is what girls do for each other out of a sense of loyalty to the 'sister hood.' I say again - they do NOT care about the facts. Listen to how the focus was always on your G/fs FEELINGs and how YOU caused them. !
Were either of them capable or willing to listen to the reality of who did what or who really caused what ?
THis is the female equivalent of our tradition of sticking by your buddy if some hammered goon starts getting 'smartass' with him in a bar.

Time to hunt for better ducks, my man

Oh absolutely. I know for a fact they had these late night sessions, every time my g/f and I would fight this is the friend who would console her.

And since this girl broke up with her LTR about a month ago, I also have a feeling you are right about her taking out some of her own issues with her ex on me. Women tend to say "men suck" when their relationships don't work out, and every dude is then a target.