My Ex Contacted Me

[Lost Cause]

Here's the story....

A week before Christmas I saw my ex girlfriend's mom shopping at the same mall I was at. We talked for a good 10 minutes and what not..... when we dated I was trying to write songs for a band I was in and have since put together a demo and am playing some shows in the area. I told her mom about this and she wanted to come to a show....

Anyways a few days later my ex called me up. At the time I had my guitar amp head in pieces and was trying to put it back together. I told her I was busy and I'd talk to her later.

Well it's been about 3 weeks since then and I can't help but wonder what she wanted. We dated for 3 years and had a great relationshiop up until the end. Not that I want her back... I actually am dating a great girl at the moment. But I can't help but wonder.

I'm sure she was just using my conversation with her mom as an excuse to call me but for what reason I have no clue.

Any more experienced LTR dudes have any insight?

 

[NatureGuy]

It could be for several reasons. I would
call her and find out. Should be interesting.

 

[drake]

Wish my ex would call me. Yours probably wants to talk and catch up. Could be harmless, could be interesting. But if your already with someone and you are still wondering about the ex........something must be up.

 

[Lost Cause]

Originally posted by drake
Wish my ex would call me. Yours probably wants to talk and catch up. Could be harmless, could be interesting. But if your already with someone and you are still wondering about the ex........something must be up.

Something must be up? As in I still have feelings for her? I'd be a fool if I told you I didn't but they have less of an impact than you might think. She has been my only LTR and the only girl I've ever "loved".

It's more of a love-hate thing. She screwed me over in the end and wasn't there for me when I needed her. I got in a bad dirtbiking accident and she wouldn't even take me to the hospital. And after that she didn't even call to see how I was doing. So yeah it ended kind of weird. I've always wanted to ask her why she did this but it really doesn't matter anymore, now does it?

SHe's getting the impression that I'm doing better without her and she wants to find out for herself. Well **** her. Talking to her won't make my life any better than it is, so what would the point be? But yeah it would be interesting to find out

 

[Kodiac]

But yeah it would be interesting to find out

Interesting, but pointless. I can only see negative thing's arrising from contacting her.

SHe's getting the impression that I'm doing better without her and she wants to find out for herself. Well **** her. Talking to her won't make my life any better than it is, so what would the point be?

Amen.

 

[BWSL2]

You're dating a great girl, you've become much more successful without the old one, and the old one treated you bad. Why play with fire? You'll only get burned.

 

[NatureGuy]

It's more of a love-hate thing. She screwed me over in the end and wasn't there for me when I needed her. I got in a bad dirtbiking accident and she wouldn't even take me to the hospital. And after that she didn't even call to see how I was doing. So yeah it ended kind of weird. I've always wanted to ask her why she did this but it really doesn't matter anymore, now does it?

I can relate to that. This might be a good
time to talk to her, and ask her why
she behaved that way. Don't be hostile
(what good would that do anyway?)
and try to be understanding.
At the very least, and if she's grown since
then, you might come to an understanding
of all that.

 

[NewMan]

Sometimes, it's just better not to know.

 

[NatureGuy]

Sometimes, but it's usually better to know.
At least if one wants to grow and understand things better.

 

[chlywly]

AS an experiened LTR dude, I can tell you "relax"... She called you, it doesn't mean anything... Besides she's an ex and it's best to move on, don't count your chickens before the eggs hatch.

Could have been to say hello, shoot the sh|t for a while, I am still friend with my past 2 ex's which I had long term relationships with. Wondering how things would be is natural, but be weary of dwelling on the past.

If you have a great girl now, then go with that flow and gain more experience, develop on that relationship, and leave your ex out of the picture, its not fair to you.

Maybe she was interested and thinking the same as you, maybe she wasn't... WHO CARES., MOVE ON If she's inerested she'll call back.

 

[Befuddled]

"running into you like this without no warning,
is like catching a wiff of tequilla in the morning.
But i'll try....try to keep my food down."

nuff said

Cheers

 

[ShizamDaMan]

Don't mess with her anymore. She had her shot. Who cares what she has to say, it's probably not something you need to hear anyway.

I'm glad my exs stay away, I don't need to put up with their crap anymore.

 

[drake]

Are you guys all saying that you have NEVER got back with an ex and it been somewhat succesfull??

I find that hard to believe.

People get back together all the time and end up marrying. And then again, people get back together and it ends again.

Everyone says no no no no, to the ex. But I think it is how you ended that is more relavant; not just that it ended.

Ending on OK terms and giving it another shot is harmless. But ending it when someone cheated, or lied something like that.......then I can see never looking back.

Break ups arent always the end all to that particular girl. Funny how everyone says never look back.

 

[Befuddled]

When i see a girl from my past who has been more than friends, i walk the other way, or totally ignore em. thats just me. im not insecure, i'm just not a drama queen, i dont care about whats going on in their lives and i dont need to keep up appearances.

Thats just me though.

 

[Alonso]

Originally posted by drake
Are you guys all saying that you have NEVER got back with an ex and it been somewhat succesfull??

I find that hard to believe.

People get back together all the time and end up marrying. And then again, people get back together and it ends again.

Everyone says no no no no, to the ex. But I think it is how you ended that is more relavant; not just that it ended.

Ending on OK terms and giving it another shot is harmless. But ending it when someone cheated, or lied something like that.......then I can see never looking back.

Break ups arent always the end all to that particular girl. Funny how everyone says never look back.

The reason I think so many people are adamant on this point is that for every guy here who broke up on good terms, or because circumstances truly just weren't right at the time, another guy (or two, or three) broke up under bad circumstances such as cheating or lying or incompatibility -- or just got dumped out of the blue. You're right, if two people stopped seeing each other because, say, they were geographically separated for awhile, then that's not a bar to their ever seeing each other when circumstances are better.

Problem is the stories you'll read here involve a lot more instances in which the guy is pondering whether to "revive" a "relationship" that is obviously long over in the girl's mind -- even in cases in which she explicitly dumped him in favor of someone else, they're convinced there's still 'something there;' add to that the number of cases in which the guy thinks they just 'drifted apart,' but the girl actually had an explicit agenda of dumping him (without his even realizing why it happened). Add to this the fact that women generally have a much easier time hooking up again after a breakup (especially when they plotted the breakup, and most likely began cultivating a replacement bf to ensure they didn't spend any time alone), and you end up with a lot of situations wherein the dumped guy (influenced by being alone, and naiive as to the extent of the girl's scheming and rejection and cultivation of other options) thinks the relationship can still be revived, but the girl (i) at worst, has moved completely on to new guys and sees him at best as a friend/object of pity (which he optimistically construes as her still liking him) or (ii) at best, will toy with the guy or lead him on to ensure he still cares and is still available as an ultimate backup plan if all her other options fail (which the guy again takes as a sign that she Truly Loves him).

So I think the negativity toward "reuniting" is influenced by the invidious prevalence of these type of scenarios, and the ease of falling for them if you're naiive, rather than as a denial that in a few cases the second go round can work when the first failed for extraneous reasons not related to lack of interest on either side, or to chicanery by the girl.

 

[Grey Fox]

Don't you find it odd that after you've started your move to have a successful band, this girl all of a sudden calls you up after her mother finds this out from you. Does the phrase gold digger ring a bell. Like you said she screwed you over and the relationship ended less then amicably. To further make things worse you needed medical attention and she did nothing to aid you. Forget her she is a *****. Don't call her and don't worry about it she doesn't matter. Once again if she wanted to talk to you she could have done it before she found out that your efforts to have a band started to take off.

I can't stress this enough to the rest of you out there. When you break up in a relationship with a woman there is no way you can be friends with her. It makes things odd for both of you, it will make things odd for you when you go to date future women, your ex will come back to haunt you if you keep them around. You will wonder what could have been and wonder if something can be worked out. This will sour your future relationships because your future women will see this and see a lack of security and stability in the relationship and that makes any woman uncomfortable. When you go to dump a woman or she goes to dump you, make sure you burn your bridges so to speak and burn them good. You have no further need for them and as a DJ you should not allow yourself to be trapped by the desire to see an ex again, we call this oneitis, the death of any DJ.

-Grey Fox

 

[Reto]

I agree with what Fox said above. Since you are now palying around town and have a demo out, you are now more interesting. Maybe she wants a part of it? Don't give it to her. She flaked out once. She will again.

Foxes 2nd paragraph. I have become "friends" with my recent Ex. But, I realize if she's in the picture even one bit, I am not going to move on. And it is uncomfortable. I refuse to talk to her about her new boy. "I'm not your girl friend!"

 

[DEKKA]

for those who say no to getting back with exes you are 90% right.

drake did make a small point about people getting back together... sometimes it works.

the thing that glares at me is this, because it's something I always try to establish in the background of a relationship.

SHES GOTTA KNOW THAT IF SHE FVCKS UP OR WHATEVER THAT WHEN IT'S OVER IT'S OVER.

During the relationship I try to make it very clear that once I leave I'm gone. Women can't get the subtle hint that they might be able to have you after they dump you.

But.... once you two are already split up getting back together is purely a matter of personal judgement. I just wrote a thread called Self-deception And The Power Of DeNile that I think highlights exactly what needs to be done.

Cut the crap. If you know deep down you shouldn't mess with fire than don't. YOU WILL GET BURNED.

But, if you can be real with yourself, and want to give a relationship another try there's nothing wrong with it. See what happens. It could and sometimes does work as drake said. But, you really gotta think if you're gunna be happy cause thats what it's all about.

 

[drake]

The reason that the whole ex thing gets to me is becuase "I" was the one who broke up with my ex. I was not ready for what she was ready for and pushed her away.
Ultimately, she was a great girl and ideal for me. It was just the wrong time.

Everyone says never look back and all this, but I just plan on getting my life to a spot where I am ready to take it to the next level. I may contact her, actually I am sure I will call her in a couple months. But to just burn a bridge with some girl that crossed your path when you were not ready is crazy I think.

Its all about timing. My clock said noon and hers said 8pm. Thats all. Of course she would not take me back right away becuase I hurt her, but that is beyond the point. I will let the anger and hurt die down and then I will pursue later on.

 

[Reto]

You're right about timing...

I have a buddy who hooked back up with an ex after 4 years. Things are going pretty good. He actually said he may ask her THE question this spring...

You never know...