My Dilemma

[Desdinova]

I've been having a difficult time trying to decide whether I should keep my gf around or not. I ended up dating her (along with a bunch of other women) when I was trying to move on from a previous chick I dated. She was the only one worth keeping around, and we became exclusive. Some days I feel like she's a really awesome woman to have, but other days I wanna go out sarging for something else.

Here's a breakdown on the positives and negatives of her:

Pros
- She is definitely the nicest girl I've ever dated
- Her IL in me is incredibly high
- She cooks for me!
- No kids
- Good job
- Her own vehicle
- Comes from a good family
- My kid, my parents, and my friends REALLY like her

Cons
- She's not incredibly high on the looks scale. She's not ugly, but not hot either.
- She's the 2nd worst lover I've ever had
- We don't have a lot in common
- Smokes cigarettes
- Smokes weed

I've been really torn on the whole situation. I see her about 3 days a week which is enough for me. We haven't exchanged I Love You's although she's taken to calling me 'love'.

I've number closed two women this week, both way higher on the looks scale, but I haven't set up any dates (yet).

I know I can get a better looking woman, but for quality, it doesn't get much better than this (at least for a local woman.)

Your thoughts?

 

[SecondHalf]

She sounds like a filler for you from your post.
I think she likes you more than what her words tell you.

From a moral perspective, you should cut her loose.
Clearly you're not too interested in "forever".
Shouldn't waste any more of her time.

Also, and just as important, a couple of those cons are VERY big cons.
The pros, I'd expect from any woman I dated.

SH

 

[azanon]

I agree with 2ndhalf on those pro's. You should expect those from any chick that you date. Let some other guy date women with kids. I love the pro "has her own vehicle", that was funny. That actually is a pro here in AR.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

DES, look at your cons list here. All of these are long term problems.

- She's not incredibly high on the looks scale. She's not ugly, but not hot either.
She's not going to get better looking with age

- She's the 2nd worst lover I've ever had
If she's uninspired in bed now, while you're uncommitted and still in a state of sexual anxiety, what's going to motivate her under the conditions of comfort and familiarity in monogamy?

- We don't have a lot in common
Which may explain why she's the 2nd worst lover you've had. Is being in a committed relationship with her going to change this? Do you think you'll find more in common after you're monogamous?

- Smokes cigarettes
- Smokes weed

Again, do you think these habits (addictions) will fade after you've committed to her? If you're concerned about sexual performance and her looks, how do you think those will pan out after another 2 or 3 years of nicotine and THC?


Short version: Eject DES.

 

[st_99]

DES, look at your cons list here. All of these are long term problems.

I would agree with this. The 'pro' stuff is all basic things that any girl you are in a LTR with should be at bare minimum. (nice, high il, car???)

The 'cons' like rollo said are long term issues that most likely will get progressively worse.

No brainer.

 

[azanon]

What does it say about the state of the Union that the items above have to be listed as pros instead of givens? There is not much out there to work with....

To clarify my opinion on that, I was referring to LTR, meaning marriage, material. Now for just a good f***, who gives a f***.

In theory, you only marry once. It stands to reason whomever it is should be outstanding. It'd be illogical to settle for less.

 

[Jeffst1980]

When guys in happy relationships post here, they usually do so to brag.

Do you think you could actually marry this girl, knowing that you secretly made a post describing her flaws on a website like this? Do you think ten years down the line you could show her this post and have her be ok with it?

Don't waste your time, and don't waste hers.

 

[KarmaSutra]

When guys in happy relationships post here, they usually do so to brag.

Sometimes.

But, I'd much prefer to have a man post about his relationship (the fact that he has one that's flourishing should be applauded), than to whine and complain 'cause he's too chickensh!t to even approach a woman.

Do you think you could actually marry this girl, knowing that you secretly made a post describing her flaws on a website like this? Do you think ten years down the line you could show her this post and have her be ok with it?

When guys try to give advice to other guys about their relationship troubles; he immediately jumping to 'til death do us part", screams out loud that guy doesn't know much about relationships whatsoever.

Don't waste your time, and don't waste hers.

Unless a relationship culminates with a Limo (Hearse?) and some vows, it's a waste of time?


Des,

I feel exactly what you're going through. My current girlfriend is the greatest woman I've ever known.

It's not by luck or chance either. I know what behavior I will put up with, and, more importantly, those behaviors I will NOT.

She has flaws; they all do. So do we. A healthy road to a fulfilling relationship is paved with forks and cliffs. Which path you choose as a man, and as a couple, will determine the length of that relationship.

I think, Brother, that you've already made your decision. If you're actively getting digits, making a list and checking it twice; it's time to leave her to graze in the pasture while you hit up the rest of the herd.

This thread has me thinking about the current state of my relationship.

Pros:

She's gorgeous.
She's sexually ravenous (I'm only the Seventh guy on her list of sexual partners).
She'll have her Masters degree in education before she's 33.
She owns her home and maintains that home with her hands.
She's courteous and considerate (She has my cigar waiting for me before I get in my car. She's never smoked a thing in her life but she knows cigars are a passion of mine, and she appreciates my love for them. She takes my sunglasses out at the ready before we leave to go anywhere. It's these little things that quickly add together).
She's funny.
She has a great dog who's well taken care of. And a cat, but I forgive her that.
She's self-sufficient. Doesn't ask for a goddamned thing from anyone. If she asks, she's the first one to pay it back-with a little extra as appreciation.

Cons:

Her Mother is a complete b!tch. A hen-pecking, stick-her snout-in everyones-business type.
She leaves the toilet seat up. Her pooch gets in there and drinks. This is a habit which we're actively working on breaking.

That's it.

You inexperienced guys may call this bragging, and I don't give a damn if you do.

 

[Solomon]

Sometimes.

But, I'd much prefer to have a man post about his relationship (the fact that he has one that's flourishing should be applauded), than to whine and complain 'cause he's too chickensh!t to even approach a woman.



When guys try to give advice to other guys about their relationship troubles; he immediately jumping to 'til death do us part", screams out loud that guy doesn't know much about relationships whatsoever.



Unless a relationship culminates with a Limo (Hearse?) and some vows, it's a waste of time?


Des,

I feel exactly what you're going through. My current girlfriend is the greatest woman I've ever known.

It's not by luck or chance either. I know what behavior I will put up with, and, more importantly, those behaviors I will NOT.

She has flaws; they all do. So do we. A healthy road to a fulfilling relationship is paved with forks and cliffs. Which path you choose as a man, and as a couple, will determine the length of that relationship.

I think, Brother, that you've already made your decision. If you're actively getting digits, making a list and checking it twice; it's time to leave her to graze in the pasture while you hit up the rest of the herd.

This thread has me thinking about the current state of my relationship.

Pros:

She's gorgeous.
She's sexually ravenous (I'm only the Seventh guy on her list of sexual partners).
She'll have her Masters degree in education before she's 33.
She owns her home and maintains that home with her hands.
She's courteous and considerate (She has my cigar waiting for me before I get in my car. She's never smoked a thing in her life but she knows cigars are a passion of mine, and she appreciates my love for them. She takes my sunglasses out at the ready before we leave to go anywhere. It's these little things that quickly add together).
She's funny.
She has a great dog who's well taken care of. And a cat, but I forgive her that.
She's self-sufficient. Doesn't ask for a goddamned thing from anyone. If she asks, she's the first one to pay it back-with a little extra as appreciation.

Cons:

Her Mother is a complete b!tch. A hen-pecking, stick-her snout-in everyones-business type.
She leaves the toilet seat up. Her pooch gets in there and drinks. This is a habit which we're actively working on breaking.

That's it.

You inexperienced guys may call this bragging, and I don't give a damn if you do.

Does she have a younger sister?

 

[Colossus]

Des, those are good pros. The car and job should be givens, but IMO the other qualities are pros in any woman, at least in the US of A.

As for the cons, let's be objective: 2 things are totally changeable, if she is willing--the cigs and the weed. Cigs are a no-brainer, there is no excuse whatsoever for smoking. Disgusting, verifiably carcinogenic habit. Weed is more of a personal preference; if you can live with it, cool; if not, then she can quit or you can leave.

The sex thing can be changed somewhat, but there should be some baseline sexual chemistry there from the beginning. If you're saying she's the second-worst lover you've ever had, then that's not something great to say about a woman you are monogamous with.

The other two cannot be changed. Her looks wont improve, and if you dont have much in common interest-wise or share similar views, then how are you supposed to go through life and relate to each other?

It sounds to me like she is more of a 'bridge' girlfriend, not really Ms. Right for Des. Breaking up with an otherwise nice girl really sucks, but be honest with yourself.

And speaking from experience, if you are only half-as$ attracted to a woman do not date her. She doesnt have to be a 10, but you should be able to look at her in a pair of sweats and no make-up and still want to fvck her.

 

[Colossus]

double post

 

[Desdinova]

What blows me away about most of the posts in this thread mention of the word "marriage". I've already been married, and I'm never doing it again. I'm not qualifying anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I also have NO plans to live with another woman which makes some of the cons negligible. She doesn't smoke weed around me, and she's a very light smoker (maybe one cigarette a day). The sex thing isn't even a priority for me since I'm more interested in pleasing the woman.

If I were to expect all those 'pros' from the women I've dated, I'll be looking forever. I've dated a lot of women which means I've dated a lot of garbage. Having some stability in my life when it comes to being with a woman is very refreshing. I enjoy most of the time we spend together, but part of me wants a woman who enourages me to rape the 5hit out of her based on her looks. Unfortunately, most women who are good looking have been spoiled all their lives and their attitude reflects it.

My gf could easily raise her looks if she loses a bit of weight. I'm trying to get her to join me in some exercise. She eats decent, but she's got a sit-down job which isn't helpful to losing weight (I know, I had a sit-down job as well).

Someone mis-read my first post. She does NOT have any kids.

I think, Brother, that you've already made your decision. If you're actively getting digits, making a list and checking it twice; it's time to leave her to graze in the pasture while you hit up the rest of the herd.

I think what I'm doing is looking for the better deal. A woman flakes and I never bother with her again. The women I've got numbers from have all disqualified themselves from replacing my gf due to having a 5hitty job, no car, having kids, etc etc.

What does it say about the state of the Union that the items above have to be listed as pros instead of givens? There is not much out there to work with....

Danger hit the nail on the head. I know how much garbage is out there which is why I'm hesitant to drop this girl quickly. Her looks may degrade with time, her health may go for 5hit, her car may break down, but at the moment it's not all that bad. In fact, it's pretty good compared to the cvnt I was married to. If any huge red flags pop up, she'll be gone in a flash. So far, there hasn't been anything that makes me go "Oh 5hit..."

 

[st_99]

What blows me away about most of the posts in this thread mention of the word "marriage". I've already been married, and I'm never doing it again. I'm not qualifying anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I also have NO plans to live with another woman which makes some of the cons negligible. She doesn't smoke weed around me, and she's a very light smoker (maybe one cigarette a day). The sex thing isn't even a priority for me since I'm more interested in pleasing the woman.

If I were to expect all those 'pros' from the women I've dated, I'll be looking forever.

So what the heck is your problem? Sounds like you already made up your mind judging by your defensiveness. Thread closed.

 

[zekko]

Forget the pros and cons.
If you were that into this girl, would you be making a post here on whether or not you should keep her?
If you were that into her, would you even need a pros and cons list in the first place?

I'm wondering if you are so umimpressed with this girl, why are you exclusive with her?

 

[KarmaSutra]

What blows me away about most of the posts in this thread mention of the word "marriage".

The conditioning mechanism in western culture is every relationship must eventually lead to marriage. This is precisely why SoSuave, and us men who are committed to changing this bullsh!t paradigm, are working hard towards.

I think what I'm doing is looking for the better deal.

Brother, appeasing her until you get a better deal isn't healthy for you or her. You're always sleeping with one eye open. It's too taxing to live like this.

 

[Sue Madre]

I called it in the last thread he made about this woman. I said:

For starters it doesn't sound like you are that into her. I predict you will be dumping this one soon anyway.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm wondering if you are so umimpressed with this girl, why are you exclusive with her?

It's the opposite, I'm actually quite impressed with her. I don't remember dating ANY woman who can cook well, ANY woman who can go this long without the damn I Love You's, and ANY woman who isn't pushing for more commitment. She's loyal as hell, she's not smelly, and she'll give me a back rub at the drop of a hat. She treats me very well and doesn't nag me which is why I haven't dropped her yet.

I think i'm just right smack in the middle of the quality vs quantity debate at this time. I've got other women pursuing me, but I've got a good ruler to measure their quality against.

Colossus, you are correct that this isn't Ms Right for me, but I don't really think that there is a Ms Right for me out there. I'm a perfectionist, so I need to accept the fact that I need to be 'satisfied enough' at some point with the women I choose to keep around or I'm never going to get anything. A sexy 5hithead will NOT get me hard, but a CLASSY and somewhat pretty woman will cause me to reward her with my d1ck.

I think my problem is my desire for perfection. I'm always looking for it. Until I find it, I need to enjoy myself.

 

[Jeffst1980]

When guys try to give advice to other guys about their relationship troubles; he immediately jumping to 'til death do us part", screams out loud that guy doesn't know much about relationships whatsoever.



Unless a relationship culminates with a Limo (Hearse?) and some vows, it's a waste of time?

Sure, bringing up "marriage" in a discussion like this is hyperbole, but it's still instructive to do so.

A relationship IS a waste of time if one of the parties believes they can do better/ deserve better. Plain and simple. It's not hard to meet new women, and it's MUCH easier to cut your losses and find a new girl than try to change her into someone that satisfies you. This is NOT about marriage- as Des stated, he doesn't want to marry again- but entering into an exclusive relationship with a woman you're really not into is just as bad.

It sounds as though she's a nice girl with a ton of good qualities, but her deficiencies in other areas really bother you. This isn't going to change.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Des,
She sounds nice,no need for any drastic action,human relationships are a bit like chemical reactions,you throw things together and there is a reaction,a predictable reaction if you are schooled enough to understand such things.....Most of the advice here is predicated on the assumption that everyones journey must end in marriage.....like most of us older guys here you are a bit like the wandering Jew,self condemned to spend your life in serial relationships....Relationships are mutually self serving,symbiotic if you like....Whatever you bring to the table she obviously likes very much,the biggest stumbling block is the lack of svex,for me that is a non sequiter,however if the Woman wants to please she can learn....You have lots of time to spin plates,down the line there will be many more interesting people in your life.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Des,
Waive off. IF you have to make the pros and cons you've already decided mentally that this is not it. The weed, the smoking, the lack of sex drive. These are all huge flags. I understand it sucks to have to pull the eject handle. I'm sure you are vested in this, but my rule is 1 person, 1 chance, 1 lifetime. It sounds harsh but as my grandmother said, "girls are like trolly cars, there will be another along soon". Same for her. So get out there and find you another~
KC