If you check out my post history, you'll see a recent situation involving me, my ex, and my best friend.
I'm just looking for some words of strength, something, anything. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. My ex and I could have maintained a fun, friendly, and mutually beneficial relationship, but I just continued to make short sighted decisions and fvck it all up. I don't know why I continue to do this.
My original suspicion was that her and my best friend weren't talking anymore and I was feeling strong and secure with myself. Probably not for the best reasons but I was nonetheless. This past weekend I spent the weekend at her house, we didn't do anything sexual but slept in the same bed, but that wasn't the point, I enjoyed spending time with her and well, I thought that she would really begin to trust me again and that maybe we could end up being good friends in the end of it all, hanging out and doing stuff together.
But again I couldn't help myself. My prying mind waited for her to fall asleep and I checked her phone. I found conversation between them and my heart raced. I don't even know why. I was there and he was not. He knew I was, too. But it made me sick to my stomach that she talked to him in a way that she had never talked to me, sending him slightly suggestive pics, saying "you look like someone I want to jump...and someone who let me". It was ... infuriating. Her and I had what I thought was a decent relationship but I never got attention like that. I read her emails and see from an email which contains within some text "...I owe it to you to let you know that you shouldn't waste your time waiting around for me. I owe you a lot more than that actually. You've never wronged me. I wish I could give you the world. In tears as I say this. I truly wish things were different. Just because something ends doesn't mean it never should've been. ILY."
These things strike the deepest of nerves with me. I was so insecure that I deleted the emails and even deleted pictures on her phone that she had saved of him. I didn't think she would notice. And when she found out it was just ... devasating. She told me she used the emails to "mourn and move on". And that every time I intervened by doing sh!t like that that I just pushed her towards him. She began talking to me again and then once she realized the pictures were gone she said I would never step foot in her house again.
I just ... am so tired of making decisions that leave my life blown up, alone, and miserable. I'm seriously just thinking of telling my best friend that I'm a piece of sh!t and that I'm removing myself from my his life and that he and her should be happy together. I don't know what else to say or do with myself. I don't know how to handle any of this and it really sucks. I had a drink before going into work today, that was the only way I would've been able to cope and write this. I just feel so....angry and humiliated.. And I can never see the clarity at the end of the tunnel with regards to where my actions will take me.
I'm just looking for some words of strength, something, anything. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. My ex and I could have maintained a fun, friendly, and mutually beneficial relationship, but I just continued to make short sighted decisions and fvck it all up. I don't know why I continue to do this.
My original suspicion was that her and my best friend weren't talking anymore and I was feeling strong and secure with myself. Probably not for the best reasons but I was nonetheless. This past weekend I spent the weekend at her house, we didn't do anything sexual but slept in the same bed, but that wasn't the point, I enjoyed spending time with her and well, I thought that she would really begin to trust me again and that maybe we could end up being good friends in the end of it all, hanging out and doing stuff together.
But again I couldn't help myself. My prying mind waited for her to fall asleep and I checked her phone. I found conversation between them and my heart raced. I don't even know why. I was there and he was not. He knew I was, too. But it made me sick to my stomach that she talked to him in a way that she had never talked to me, sending him slightly suggestive pics, saying "you look like someone I want to jump...and someone who let me". It was ... infuriating. Her and I had what I thought was a decent relationship but I never got attention like that. I read her emails and see from an email which contains within some text "...I owe it to you to let you know that you shouldn't waste your time waiting around for me. I owe you a lot more than that actually. You've never wronged me. I wish I could give you the world. In tears as I say this. I truly wish things were different. Just because something ends doesn't mean it never should've been. ILY."
These things strike the deepest of nerves with me. I was so insecure that I deleted the emails and even deleted pictures on her phone that she had saved of him. I didn't think she would notice. And when she found out it was just ... devasating. She told me she used the emails to "mourn and move on". And that every time I intervened by doing sh!t like that that I just pushed her towards him. She began talking to me again and then once she realized the pictures were gone she said I would never step foot in her house again.
I just ... am so tired of making decisions that leave my life blown up, alone, and miserable. I'm seriously just thinking of telling my best friend that I'm a piece of sh!t and that I'm removing myself from my his life and that he and her should be happy together. I don't know what else to say or do with myself. I don't know how to handle any of this and it really sucks. I had a drink before going into work today, that was the only way I would've been able to cope and write this. I just feel so....angry and humiliated.. And I can never see the clarity at the end of the tunnel with regards to where my actions will take me.
