my brother again - does relationship counselling work?

[Heretolearn]

Hi,

Made some posts previously but it has gotten worse - very concerned for brother in a destructive relationship.

2 years. They bought a house together about 4 mths ago. She complains he works all the time etc (how else can you pay for the house fool ). THey fight and he tried to leave her last week. She stood in his way and slapped him, so he grabbed her around the throat, threw her on the bed and left.

They have now arranged relationship counselling. ANything I can do for the Titanic?

I do not believe in relationship counselling for their issues and only 2 yrs together, no kids. What about you guys? Can it help or just delay the inevitable?

ps - he will have to work longer to pay for the counselling.................

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

marriage / relationship counseling = last stop before toll

 

[Warrior74]

marriage / relationship counseling = last stop before toll

this.

last cheap toll before the big exit toll. He's gonna go broke in a big way. He's better off saying he's saving up for counseling when he's really saving for his divorce warchest. At the very least, explain to him why he needs to get his money quickly separated from hers.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=167316

 

[Da Realist]

If they want to have a chance, they need to leave counseling alone. It just turns into a *****ing session for his wife and they argue over past crap.

 

[catman]

Take realist advice cause thats the honestly what happens atleast in my case.Both would be better of reading some good realionship books insteed of councelling cause the councellor going to suggest reading them anyway?Once you have to bring a third party in mediate your problems its too late to salvage the realionship.As for the violence toward each other well thats just plain toxic and kills any good feelings toward one another.Once the cops come and make him leave his house he will begin to believe what your telling him !!!!!!!

 

[sodbuster]

Councelors onlly work if the WOMAN wants them to. My wife didn't make any effort to change,another guy I know showed up,his wife didn't[SHE didn't need to change-he did] etc.,etc., etc. IF he really wants to keep her, he needs to say YOU want a divorce! GREAT! I'm glad you think so[all with a smile on his face]. LET her know she can be replaced tomorrow. THEN, she may decide to stay[once she realizes/remembers how hard he was to land]. In the meantime, he should stash cash, get a credit card that comes to your address or your parents[so he has credit when he needs it],cancell all joint cards so she can't rack up bills and leave him to pay them. Move out the stuff he really cares about[photo's,guns,other memorabilia that can't be replaced-so it doesn't get "lost by the movers" etc.
DURING the divorce and alimony hearings, he needs to take time off work so his income will be less. Less for her to get half of,less alimony payments etc.

 

[jophil28]

They have now arranged relationship counselling. ANything I can do for the Titanic?

I do not believe in relationship counselling for their issues and only 2 yrs together, no kids. What about you guys? Can it help or just delay the inevitable?

ps - he will have to work longer to pay for the counselling.................

Launch the lifeboats.

I have a friend, of sorts, who is a "Relationship Counselor". I have known her for 15 years. She is 57 years of age. In the past 10 years she has divorced her NPD Brig General husband, had a hot affair with a 30 year old handyman who worked on her house and then he bit her for $12K. She is now flying around the globe chasing after a married British guy who she dated in the late 1970's who is a career diplomat with a wife and home in England..

:crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy:

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Councelors onlly work if the WOMAN wants them to. My wife didn't make any effort to change,another guy I know showed up,his wife didn't[SHE didn't need to change-he did] etc.,etc., etc. IF he really wants to keep her, he needs to say YOU want a divorce! GREAT! I'm glad you think so[all with a smile on his face]. LET her know she can be replaced tomorrow. THEN, she may decide to stay[once she realizes/remembers how hard he was to land]. In the meantime, he should stash cash, get a credit card that comes to your address or your parents[so he has credit when he needs it],cancell all joint cards so she can't rack up bills and leave him to pay them. Move out the stuff he really cares about[photo's,guns,other memorabilia that can't be replaced-so it doesn't get "lost by the movers" etc.
DURING the divorce and alimony hearings, he needs to take time off work so his income will be less. Less for her to get half of,less alimony payments etc.

Brilliant.

I was thinking tonight of my future and what I would do to keep the frame in a marriage (if I get married ). What would I do if we were having trouble, I wondered. My conclusion? Go bang other women. I think 99% of problems within LTRs happen as a result of the coals dying down. Like sodbuster said, this is how you keep the frame and let her see you wanted by other women, which always does the trick.

Unless that degree of familiarity truly does build contempt, to which one's only recourse is divorce and losing much of what I have worked for to someone who now hates me and has ridden off in the sunset with my money...not to mention if there are children involved...I don't know if it's in the cards...

Anyway, his first critical order of business is to get his money straight. He needs to destroy those credit cards and put an absolute halt to the acquisition of consumer debt. I think the counseling is a joke, as RT said you can't negotiate desire. But it serves its purpose as a pointless waste of money very well.

In short, he needs to go into Asset Protection Mode and get his ducks in a row.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Here to Learn,
Hate to be the odd Man out here,things are certainly grim,but the stakes are so high that counselling is worth a try.I go a step further than Sod Buster and suggest that for some sort of amicable settlement,both parties must want it to happen......The crucial thing is to find a good counsellor,Jophil gives a good example of the twisted individuals that can get involved in this Profession.In general there are more bad Counsellors than good ones....First things first,your Mate must keep his hands to himself,the Good Lord Knows how they provoke you,but you must keep your hands in your pockets....Advice to spin plates can only be useful when the Lady is pulling back from Svx....no the issues here are Finance and Stress,the situation may be retrievable...Another piece of advice might be to take care to avoid pregnancy until muddied waters clear...I suppose seeking legal advice is advisable,but think here on the value of a Pre Nuptial it anticipates things going wrong and avoids going too far down the Pre-Emptive Road because you both know how you will arrange your affairs should the Axe falls...closing off joint accounts,comparmentalising your finances,which you see as defensive,will be seen as aggressive and provokative by her,and her inevitable friends(What damage these people do)...should things become untenable then lull her into a false sense of security and chose the time and place of the final act to suit you.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Tell your brother that his wife has abandonment issues. When she was young, somebody important in her life either ran off or died. It's not her fault she has these issues, no one is perfect, but she has to realize them and work equally with him to get better at coping. That is the only chance they have, and it is slim.

OK, that will be $4,995.00 My ex-wife is a counselor but truthfully I am a little better at it than her. I wrote a lot of her school assignments while she was getting her Master's degree.

 

[Sinistar]

From your previous thread...

Hi,

My brother is one of the coolest guys on the planet. Seriously. Works hard, is funny and would die for his family.

He is a LTR with a girl who is very volatile. They rarely have sex but my brother used that as 'it must be love' if he can still be with her. He has a huge libido and has no problem getting girls. (girls will approach him in a club and say 'you are the best looking guy that I have ever seen). Seriously. He just has no respect for girls in general except this girl plays hard to get and stands up for herself hence his interest.

However, he just bought a house with her and they live together (27 and 23). She complains that he works too hard and is not paid enough even saying to his face that she wants to be a stay at home mum and how can he hope to provide for his family this way. He responds saying I had this job when we started so if you do not like it, then leave.

This works short term but the longer the relationship persists, the more he invests jointly eg. house, maybe kids etc.

She hits him and provokes him (once saying you are just like your loser father whom she never met and knows my brother has HUGE issues over as his father died last year from cancer).

My brother just left and did not return until an apology was issued.
She knows how to press the right buttons.

They are always fighting eg. he called last night as she was ripping him about the family not having any money. He worked a 14 hour shift and came home to a 3 hour argument. Then the next day she buys a plate set that they do not need because it was on special!

...and the information your brother needs knocked into him (also from the previous thread)...

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml

Read this. Sound familiar?

This person isn't just your average drama queen, she's got issues. He's still under the spell of having his own qualities mirrored back to him (earlier in their relationship). Fortunately they are not married right? If so he should just end the relationship and at the worst, some common law stuff will be thrown at him. But there are no kids and it doesn't sound like they have major finances intertwined.

If you want to do your brother a favor, print these responses and hand them to him and sit on him if you have to until he reads them. He needs to understand that she will never change. NEVER. EVER! It will just get worse and worse and worse. Inside, she will never feel complete but she knows how to make herself feel something and that something is pushing his buttons, getting him angry, making him crazy, getting him to hit her, leave her, feel guilty, come back and repeat over and over until it is so confusing and messed up and emotional draining that he has nothing left (which was probably done to her by someone important in her life). Then she'll leave and tweak him afterwards just for the heck of it (once again, akin to her own life experiences).

Counseling is a waste for any couple with her in it!

Given your description of her, there is probably less than a 1% chance she'll seek help and see it through to a better life. That will take years. Let some other chump plugged into the matrix try and save her - your bro sounds to cool to have this happen to him

 

[Colossus]

It can work if both parties are willing, but I'm with Sinistar....not with this chick. Poor guy get him the hell outta there.

 

[Hemingway]

Heretolearn, you aren't really in a position to do anything about their relationship: he may resent you for your advice, or she may resent you for your advice, either way it is lose-lose. Keep you mouth shut.

The best thing you can do is get him away from the house, give him a friendly ear, play ball or hike or work out with him, encourage your brother to be the best man he can be.

If their relationship does fail, you will be there for him, and he will be in a better position mentally and physically to move on. The goal here is for him to be the best man he can be, and in the process she might see that and realize who she is about to lose and look to him to lead.