My BPD relationship,advice wanted

[brokenupinside]

How you all doing.
I will post part of my story and hope that somebody can guide me ,help or give advice.
Thanks in advance.

I was in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD for 15 years and a year and a half ago she suddenly cheated,broke up and married another guy 6 months ago.
The new guy is a fat,ugly drunk with a german car,all the friends tell me the guy is arrogant too and has a temper.

I went AFC for a week in the beginning but quickly straigtened that up and she started to tell me she wanted to be friends only to manipulate me into not going to the old hood so she could paint me v\blak to her hearst content with our friends,it backfired as no-one believed her and stopped talking to her.

Never called her never sent an email to her but she did both.
Lots of mysterious calls that nobody spoke when I picked up the phone etc.

Emails were all raging mad and acusatory ,blaming me for the break up and saying that I cheated first(lie).Before I continue is worth noting that she met this guy on facebook,although she says she knows him from childhood although never mentioned him ever.

I went no contact after even tho we share a daughter that she refuses to let me see,not explicitly but still boycotts every effort.

I stared going out with a mutual friend and she cons my father into giving me the phone pretending to be the new girl and I say hello.....hello.....

me-who is this?
BPD-you know who this is
me-nooooooooooooooooooooooooo,I'm hanging up
BPD-no please I was in the hospital for 2 months ,I died and was brought back,I'm packing to go back for another 2 weeks.
me-you know you call cause you love me
BPD-I will never stop
me-if you arte going to rage and hang up I dont wanna talk
BPD-I wont
me-ok
BPD starts recriminating etc and I know I shoul've hanged up.
She proceds to tell me that she is too angry now her heart is cold etc,that if I hadent gone out with her friend we would've had a chance etc and we agree to cool it and not fight anymore.
I told her: you dont love this guy at all....she did not deny it just silence and also put the guy down without her defending him.

I want her back and I know is going to take years,I just know.Right now Im working on me ,going back to universuity and working out for a year I already have a 10 times better body that before,dress better,pamper myself with little things.
Her birthday is comming up,what should I do,break the no contact with a very short email or stay under the radar?
Nothing AFC so Im listening to advice,maybe even something nasty for some reverse psychology?

Before we hanged up she said she will call again if she has something else to say and we agreed to calm down.
Two minutes later she phones againg to clarify something and ask a somewhat stupid favour.

I also asked during the call where her hubby was and she said .....working.....
so you alone?.......she said yes.......

I need advice and I thank you all in advance.
brokenupinside

 

[brokenupinside]

I forgot to say that I never married her even tho she pestered me for years and also I left on a trip overseas for a month every year we were together which probably accounts for the fact that we lasted so long,since those things alone triggered her instinct to chase after me as the unattainable object thats not too close for comfort.
What hapened at the end?

 

[Bible_Belt]

The longer you stay away, the less you will want her back. Everyone will tell you that you are foolish for wanting her, but those will be guys who don't understand how seductive BPDs can be when they want you. If you stay away long enough, she will become desperate to lure you back in. My bpd ex texts me begging for sex because that is her best guess at telling me what I want to hear. They are good at finding your weak spots.

Every time I respond to a sosuave bpd thread I have a new story to tell. She is now living with the 17 y/o son of her boyfriend previous to me, who had to go away for a while because he murdered her boyfriend previous to that, all of course in a fight over her. He copped a plea and gets out in less than two years from now. She texted me today that the 17 y/o told her she really needs to get laid and that I seemed like a really cool guy so she should do it with me. So now to be with her, not only would I be taking the murderer's girl, I would be taking over as the father figure for his son. Yeah, he would love that. BPDs are nuts and being with them always leads to a crazy life for yourself. Choose wisely.

 

[Da Realist]

You sound like a guy who knows fire is bad but wants people to give him advice on how to douse himself in gasoline because he's feeling chilly on a spring day. Look, she's left and made her life worse while you've improved yours. All she wants to do is be a part of your good fortunes, suck you dry (in a bad way), and move on to some piece of crap guy. If you realy have another woman and aren't Vlad just showing up again, take the other woman instead.

 

[ima str8 up pimp]

Straight crazy talk. I understand what you both are going through albeit not by personal experience.. I have an estranged lover of over 3 years who could pull crazy talk somewhat like that with me, albeit we're both in seperate college dorms seperate colleges, we have a mutual understanding.. about that borderline talk, it does happen.. but never to those extremities you two mentioned.. with me NEVER, if that were the case on the first red flag I would send her ass to hell and discipline her accordingly for good good riddance, do whatever you want *****, but not that.. you know? you will respect me.. But for the first poster.. It is of coarse first and foremost your responsibility. She married someone else, that is that. You have to behave yourself with the right morals and with integrity, save yourself you know? Man *****es come and go any nigga pimpin' know... 3 M's Money, Mackin', and Murder... Chuch.

 

[brokenupinside]

Thanks for the repies.
I don't know who vlad is and I have a real problem that needs help.
I was doing alright but that call after not hearing her voice for almost a year sent me back jonesing with a vengance.

I have been through the fire and gotten burned,I have a new girl and shes good in the sack but it's not the same cause I love my ex,not being AFC here it's just a fact that I cant help for the moment and i doent really know when relief will arrive and in the form of what.
I know that NC helps.
I like the spring analogy,yes it could be a s new start if I ever move on.
I'd like to give it one more try tho,one more chance,all while making myself better,I don't want to see her till I'm done what I'm doing ,may take 4 years.I want to do it for our daughter too,she'll need me even more latter when she's 16 or 17,this guy will not pay for her education for example,i just know.
Typical BPD she punished me by getting married,that marriage is not worth the paper that was signed on,she is already feeling the pinch of a lonely life with an ahole living in buttcracksville and spending her days alone with her friends bailing out and thinking that shes not worth their time,one of them literally pissed her pants laughing when she introduced her to the new bf.

Her stance has softened as compared to the beginning,she initiates contact and yes I have read many posts and I know what hoovering is but still i lived 15 years with her and known her for 20,I want to believe and I know its dangerous,I know cause I've been her god and now I'm demonized.
My instinct is continue NC and see what happens,if I get my degree and continue pumping iron and doing a good job with MYSELF she'll consider me an alfa again since the guy she's with now is a second rate rebound guy that she'll tire of very soon.

You do understand that I'm not going to beg here,I want her back in my terms,as it once was,I have to gain value in her view,I suspect she had secretly started to devalue me for some time even tho they are known to be able to walk away easy.

I think I'm doing the right thing with NC but is there any other things to do to sort od=f help the process along.
Ultimately I want to be a winner in my daughter's eyes and have a relationship with her but if I can bring my ex for a ride when she is ready to dump this loser and she's bored and frustrated sure I want to do it.
I'm 50 and shes 42....if I snag her in a few years she'll stay for another 15 I feel it.
You understand this relationship will not last,it a rebound,internet found,he's an unknown quantity and althought a rush at first it will backfire.
The backgroung I have is this,loner,only one girlfriend before,flaming drunk,prone to outbursts,very territorial and arrogant probably to compensate,the kind of guy that will leave you hanging for a handshake and not blink.
MAy I add that what triggered her leaving me was that she was diagnosed with MS a year before the breakup,her life went into turmouil and she could not handle it.
Please advice.

 

[Da Realist]

There's two answers to your question: the one you want to hear and the one you really need. Sadly, you're not going to listen to the second because it's the simplest and is written on the screen. But since you want to throw it all away, I'll give you my advice. Just remember when things don't last long after you've thrown away your chance at a new start, you asked for this and chose to do it.

So here is the answer you want. Act aloof. Don't answer her calls when she first calls and don't call her back unless she leaves a voicemail. Go out with the woman you're with, have as much fun as you can away from the drama queen as possible. If she doesn't make an offer that you like and hasn't made it happen, don't even say anything back. Continue on with your life like nothing happened. When she's made real changes to her life, jump back with her, save her from her situation, and stay with her for the sake of your child.

That's the way to solve your "problem." But I'm going to give you something to think about. Your daughter will see that acting like her mom will get her whatever she needs in life. You've taken a year to hone your body and mind to as close to perfection as you can get, but you're willing to throw it away to make someone else happy. You have a new start with a woman that doesn't have the same problems as your ex. Is it really worth it?

 

[brokenupinside]

Thanks Da realist.
Deep inside I don't want to throw my life and the chance at a new start,that's my brain and that's what probably kept me from marrying the manipulative object of my desire,but that's the ket,I want her sooooo bad,I idealise her and that's when I lost control of her,when she "had" me.

I want to see the end of the movie so to speak but I already know how the movie will probably end.
Such is love.I'm working on getting such notions out of my head but in the meantime Im looking for some magic to keep me going,some hope,although knowing that that hope is keeping me from moving on fully,is long term hope and should keep me focused on a goal and me being better than i was.
Why reach that point and throw it all away rescuing this damaged girl?
I have this overwhelming need to be with her and I need moves to nort so much speed the process but to assure the outcome,that she land back on my lap when her world crumbles,repeating the scene of when I met her the first time,yes captain save a ho incarnate.
Thanks

 

[brokenupinside]

Thanks Da realist.
Deep inside I don't want to throw my life and the chance at a new start,that's my brain and that's what probably kept me from marrying the manipulative object of my desire,but that's the ket,I want her sooooo bad,I idealise her and that's when I lost control of her,when she "had" me.

I want to see the end of the movie so to speak but I already know how the movie will probably end.
Such is love.I'm working on getting such notions out of my head but in the meantime Im looking for some magic to keep me going,some hope,although knowing that that hope is keeping me from moving on fully,is long term hope and should keep me focused on a goal and me being better than i was.
Why reach that point and throw it all away rescuing this damaged girl?
I have this overwhelming need to be with her and I need moves to nort so much speed the process but to assure the outcome,that she land back on my lap when her world crumbles,repeating the scene of when I met her the first time,yes captain save a ho incarnate.
Thanks

 

[ima str8 up pimp]

Hopefully my post relevant to your original post made sense to you. The only real brutal truth I see is that you should have married her years ago and then the matter would have been completely different and taking the responsibility as a man of that position you probably would still have her. To each his own however. I behave according to my principles and with integrity as a decent person, to flourish and succeed.. and to never be in such a position that's what it takes. If you understand.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Hopefully my post relevant to your original post made sense to you. The only real brutal truth I see is that you should have married her years ago and then the matter would have been completely different and taking the responsibility as a man of that position you probably would still have her. To each his own however. I behave according to my principles and with integrity as a decent person, to flourish and succeed.. and to never be in such a position that's what it takes. If you understand.

No offense but you really have no clue about girls with BPD! He should've married her?? LOL Borderlines have no concious, they create relationships to destroy them; its part of their chemical make-up which helps them to re-live their childhood abandonment.

If he married this psycho; he'd be in a much worse position than he is now. Its just a matter of making him realize that the best thing that ever happened to him was her leaving him.



PIMP

 

[DarthNihilus]

"I don't want to see her till I'm done what I'm doing ,may take 4 years."

Whatever you create she will only destroy.

Walk away and go no contact.

BPD's seduction cannot work on a man thats determined to maintain no contact.

That means changing your phone number, email address and giving a stern talking to of all the people in your life to not allow her to manipulate them into helping her contact you in some way.

You must inform them of what she is and how dangerous she is and if necessary have a psychiatrist or psychologist tell your family members how dangerous she is to drive the point home if they are having trouble believing your word alone.

You ever seen a longterm meth or crack addict or one of those documentaries about such people? Have you ever seen Gollum of Lord of the Rings who can't free himself of "The Precious?"

On a very real level victims of BPD's (and thats what you are) ARE that burnt out junkie and ARE Gollum.

Soul ripped to shreds and body to match slowly eaten away by the poison of choice.

So you want to see how the movie ends for you do you?

Go watch the Return of the King ending and see what happens to Gollum.

He falls into the fire and is consumed all the while keeping the ring "The Precious" just above the flame. It was more important to him than even his own life.

This is the level of sickness that rots BPD victims minds.

You do not love your BPD anymore than Bible Belt loves his BPD.

You both like all BPD victims are in love with yourselves through their mirroring of your best qualities and by you in turn adding to that by projecting your own perfect woman fantasies onto that BPD because lacking a true personality to call her own she presents that blank slate for you to which you can paint anything onto it. Anything that you want her to be.

The victim creates an illusion of perfection or rather the perfect person for them but nothing in life is perfect.

No contact is the cure for your sickness, deep yearning, heartache and pain and in time you will be able to feel a great amount of love for a mentally healthy woman.

It will never be to insane BPD heights of feeling because that wasn't real love.

That was a mind fvck.

A drug high of brain chemicals brought together in you in an unnatural way due to the deception inherint in BPD bringing it out in you.

You've experienced psychological trauma from this that has changed the way your brain works quite literally very much like a drug addict.

You don't really NEED her.

You NEED to get away from her and stay away from her.

 

[AAAgent]

i feel you man. i just got out of a bpd about a year ago. i get calls and texts from my ex that has a boyfriend. she tells me she loves me blah blah i don't really respond back. one time she messaged me emergency and i contacted her back a few times with no response. i'm not responding to the next one. the best thing you can do is move on with your life and go no contact. if you want you can check my past post about bpd or check other bpd posts, it will clarify a lot of things you are going through. chin up son.

 

[Captain]

You don't treat BPD women any different to normal women. You hold them to the same standards. Their illness does not give them the right to special treatment, you're a man, not her therapist.

 

[Jean Valjean]

go NC and move on even if for a while it breaks your heart and you feel like dying

it is the only way

if you do this it will hurt like hell but you will prob. survive and have a chance at finding someone who will love you and not hurt you

if you stay with the BPD she will break you for the rest of your life .. things will go well for a little bit then it will start again and you will be dying over and over again .. who would want that existence

you have been warned

 

[Bible_Belt]

You both like all BPD victims are in love with yourselves through their mirroring of your best qualities and by you in turn adding to that by projecting your own perfect woman fantasies onto that BPD because lacking a true personality to call her own she presents that blank slate for you to which you can paint anything onto it. Anything that you want her to be.


That is very interesting, and would explain why BPDs tend to work the best with narcissists. My girl's other past men include sociopaths, lots of drug addicts, and a schizophrenic.

 

[brokenupinside]

All the posts very interesting,thank you again.
Yes,definately I've come to believe that I must be in large or small way a bit narcissist.
I let this girl slowly creep into my soul and take it away and the trick she used are so evident to me now,I mean,out of 100 red flags you can name now she tripped 100%,but i would not listen to anything or anybody.
She made me feel like a god!,that was my Achilles heel.....I should've felt like that from day one berofr she came into the picture.
I did a marathon read of the Book of Pook.....................man!,what the hell did I not listen to my instincs for?
I put the cart before the horse.
Anywho,fast forward to today,if you haven't been in a relationship with a BPD,let alone a 15 ear one,you don't know how it is and the brainwash that takes place.
You are stripped of anything resembling an ego,you BECOME her as she became you to trap you.
Boy do I feel like a fool,a fool for wanting her back and a fool for having fallen for her in the first place,for the power I gave away and for the pain I feel.

Thank heavens that I have a little sense left,enough to go NC and enogh to try to plug along and be better and get better.
Ironically,the same hope of a reunion is whats giving me the drive to move on,does that make sense?.......................hoping that when the time comes I will be too strong to fall for it,that I will be master of my own game,still, the wish is there for her to come back and validate me and my efforts.....

Reading this forum helps,your posts help,I get a little of the puzzle from everyone of you.
Some of the side effects of having been with a BPD is that I think I got addicted to the drama a little too much,that even suffering is better than the void of not having her but I know it's just temporary.
I am afraid ,because I know that if she came knocking on my door tomorrow I would probably take her back.
brokenupinside

 

[Jean Valjean]

Some of the side effects of having been with a BPD is that I think I got addicted to the drama a little too much,that even suffering is better than the void of not having her but I know it's just temporary.
I am afraid ,because I know that if she came knocking on my door tomorrow I would probably take her back.
brokenupinside

Know what you mean brother, I would take mine back too in a heart beat with a big wet kiss at the door. Amazing how they win you over ... prob because normal women never give you that attention that you are the love of their life, their one and only soul mate, that you're so wonderful ...

We as men crave this and never experience it so it is a wild and addicting high

I lucked out and through combination of bungling AFC and other things seemed to have lost my BPD's love and attentions. Day 10 today and she has not contacted me. I will NC her, hopefully I endure and return to my true and faithful wife one day soon ... but I have to know that I am cured first.

God Bless and good luck

 

[brokenupinside]

Thanks Jean,god bless and good luck to you too.

Listen,10 days of no contact is nothing to these girls, one and a half years after breakup and six months into her marriage she's still contacting me and the last gap was probably more than 2 monts.

It's like a chick flick that you are sucked into,they live in a chick movie in which they are the main character,they do no wrong and nothing they do has any repercussion to them,lots of drama,lots of crying,lots of come and go,lots of sex etc. but you don't know that at the end you are going to be th villan,maybe even all along.

The best chick flick I had to endure with her was Bridges of Madison County,maybe because it was directed(and maybe written?) by a mans man (Clint!) in which at the end the woman does not leave her husband,even tho everybody was probably going LEAVE!!!!!!.....................why she did not leave?
because she probably had the sense to know that she had loyalty,she knows that the high won't last with the new guy,that she is bored and maybe ultimately IS her fault in the sense that it takes two people to make a relationship work,and maybe because she was centered she know that it would not work in the long run that she wasnt made for hopping around the world taking pictures in malaria infested countries.
Most mivies would've had her getting out of the car under the rain and riding into the sunset with the guy she just met and fvcked behing her whole family's back..........thats what a BPD would do 9 out of 10 times.
brokenupinside

 

[Jean Valjean]

Thanks Jean,god bless and good luck to you too.

Listen,10 days of no contact is nothing to these girls, one and a half years after breakup and six months into her marriage she's still contacting me and the last gap was probably more than 2 monts.

It's like a chick flick that you are sucked into,they live in a chick movie in which they are the main character,they do no wrong and nothing they do has any repercussion to them,lots of drama,lots of crying,lots of come and go,lots of sex etc. but you don't know that at the end you are going to be th villan,maybe even all along.

The best chick flick I had to endure with her was Bridges of Madison County,maybe because it was directed(and maybe written?) by a mans man (Clint!) in which at the end the woman does not leave her husband,even tho everybody was probably going LEAVE!!!!!!.....................why she did not leave?
because she probably had the sense to know that she had loyalty,she knows that the high won't last with the new guy,that she is bored and maybe ultimately IS her fault in the sense that it takes two people to make a relationship work,and maybe because she was centered she know that it would not work in the long run that she wasnt made for hopping around the world taking pictures in malaria infested countries.
Most mivies would've had her getting out of the car under the rain and riding into the sunset with the guy she just met and fvcked behing her whole family's back..........thats what a BPD would do 9 out of 10 times.
brokenupinside

you are so on the money with what you say.

Cold unemotional abandonment that is the advantage of the BPD over all of normal folk. They can go months of NC with you while they run off with some new Mr. Wonderful. Meanwhile you die every night thinking about them, pining for them, and crying over the memories and the wonderful times when her smile melted your heart and she made you feel ten feet tall and in love with the world.

I have to hope that I can get over BPD girl so if she calls again I am strong. She denied me full on sex .. but God could this long haired blue eyed Italian girl kiss. Never smelled a girl so sweet as her all over.

Drama..., I did not even know it in this chick flick context. I have had more drama and 'crying out' anguish with bpd girl in one week then with my ex wife in 23 years of marriage and 2 yrs of dating. My ex wife was like the lady in that movie you described - true and faithful, practical, loyal to the end no matter what I did. Guess I got used to being waited on and never having to worry about a good dinner, finances (she has great job), faithfulness, etc. would never cheat even when I got us into a swinger's club. We wound up being the only monogamous couple there! Church going, works out, cleans the house etc. I got bored.

I wanted to be a DJ, free and single so here I am, broken hearted and deserted. Not even my dog at my side.

Lets keep in touch and give mutual support. Maybe we can help each other through this ordeal.