My Battle Between Betaness & Red Pill Thinking

[house]

Apologies (Actually why should I??? haha ) if this comes across as Jibberish but I felt I needed to write it down as a kind of therapy.

Having been a sporadic user of these forums for the past 10 months, heavily during crisis, abandoned when I (thought) I was on top,
I have learnt more about women than in my previous 27 years of living in on (disney)land.

A disneyland full of pathetic 1,2,3 month Oneitis relationships with sl*ts & hoe's, ONS with chubbies & mingers and frequenting many a knocking shop & street corner, yeah I laid my love life out on paper.

It's easy to read & read about, first of all improving myself, signs of interest, seduction techniques etc. etc., basically how not to f**k a good thing up, but to go out into the real world and apply it is a different beast when your hardwired with blue pill fuzziness internally.

What's brought me to write this is how I have felt over the past week which I believe has been my worst f**k-up to date with a woman, either pre or post joining SS.
A woman I felt I had played the game perfectly with to create high enough interest in eventually bed & potentially more...

Before you shout ONEITIS, yes it is, but thanks to what I have learnt I will not let it destroy my happiness with other women.

I am sure this was only achieved by using techniques I learnt here, indifference & aloof, scarcity, a challenge,
confidence blah blah blah!

The point is I was seeing this girl from a red pill perspective enabling me to handle anything that would of previous caused me to
become AFC (Which I admit that I still definately am).

But then I lapsed on what I've read here & didn't seal the deal (appaling reason) with this girl when it was offered on a plate, albiet with minimal
resistance (I'm 100% sure it was on believe me). No matter, I had resorted to my inner beta blue pill thinking, that it would just make her want me more.

THIS IS WHERE THE BATTLE BEGAN....

I woke up with dread in my head thinking 'Always be Escalating' & 'This was the whole point of game, to get the poon'
I ran straight to these forums to confirm my fears... okay... so I'll get a second shot... Interest levels have definately spiked
from what I was receiving. Great, I don't need this forum.... Instead of continuing the same game I'm replying to every message straight
away, of course this will get her in the sack! PANIC PANIC PANIC. Not tonight, fine! I'll seal it tomorrow night. Ah, I'll blow up her phone & get her to pick
me up in a drunken stupor & mumble, argue then hissy fit her into the king size......FRAME SMASHED, DIGNITY ON THE FLOOR, RESPECT LOST, INTEREST LEVELS PLUMMETING INTO HELL, AFC Rearing it's ugly head from inside.

Forget my f**king generic sob story.

If I had NOT found this forum I could guarantee that I would NOT be feeling half AS BAD as I have this week. My AFC, Blue, Beta innerself would have ensured
I would have conjoured a reasoning that would ensure that I would still eventually get the girl & so there's nothing to worry about.

But as my red pill gameplay was about to hit jackpot my Beta f^g from within clouded my judgement & I found I giant pedestal for the commodity known as the V. It took
over me during the next few days as I rode on a wave of beta Euphoria because I was still going to get the poon.

What I sobered upto was a ship wreck. I knew from looking at the situation from a Red pill perspective that
there was no way to overcome the terminal damage. I now had to live with the fact that there won't be a happily ever after in oneitis land.

and it hurt... hurt....HURTS...like...hell... because I'm still so far away from becoming anything that remotely resembles a DJ

But i'd rather know the truth now & feel like sh*t to recover quicker than bury my head in the blue sand

This has made me realise that I have a million miles to go before I could confidently say I wouldn't:

a) Get myself into this situation
b) Have a battle raging between knowing it's gone & holding on to threads of hope.... WHICH IS CURRENTLY WHERE MY HEAD IS AT..

THIS HAS TO BE PUT DOWN AS A LESSON LEARNT... HAS TO...

I know this is an internal problem, my emotions are always on a rollercoaster but I am starting to see things in life from a red pill perspective, media, marriage etc I just need to internalise it & maybe I'm a step closer.

I'm going away this weekend & I want to go with a clearer head. Anyone got any tips????

Thanks in Advance!

 

[jurry]

Haha im not sure what i really just read but was an entertaining read.

Also ^^ comment above is excellent. "Killing the beta is like killing yourself".. That is a beautiful line my friend, well said.

Incidentally, "killing the self" also happens to be the primary purpose of all major religions/spirituality throughout human history, zen most recognizably.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Jurry - alpha is a life long process.

House, this from Jurry is exactly right.

I found myself in your position only recently too.... in fact only last weekend, with my main, long-term plate. She's very stable and very independent and as results, appears to blow very 'hot and cold'.

What I realised this week is that it's not actually her 'blowing hot and cold', that is just my interpretation of her independence. To be honest, my previous squeezes have been very needy and dependent (on me). I wasn't quite sure how to handle this new chick who is actually very interested, attentive, feminine and affectionate when we do get together.

What this woman is teaching me is to be like her - i.e. have my own independence and not rely on her.

Much like your own situation, I have been getting better and less beta over the course of the last year, by as Jurry implies, the transition from Beta to Alpha is almost more frustrating than being straight up beta. We start to wax and wane between the old blinkered blue-pill mind set, and the confidence of the new refreshing red-pill frame of reference.

During the transition, the beta fog is made somewhat thicker by all the new 'rules' afforded to game-players, how to act in different situations and what girls really want.

You will fall down again, just like I have - I managed to save the situation at the weekend, but only just. It takes time to become your own master, and consequently become the master of others.

If I could summarise the general outlook I am developing personally, it may help you:

1) Become your own master, master many things and maintain your independence. Women find a successful independent man irresistible.

2) Once you become involved with a woman, you must let her in a bit and use push and pull to utmost effect. DO NOT become besotted with anyone, ever. Always be prepared to walk away, or for them to walk away, because it does happen, frequently. Maintain independence, always.

 

[house]

Cheers for the replies ...
What's really got to me is the fact I knew how to play it to develop things but once I made a beta mistake the afc in me completely takes over causing a snowball affect . Instead of reverting back to what I know from a red pill perspective I was blurred by my betaness which has now caused irreversible damage.
It's really hurts sitting here knowing what I should be feeling (sitting back & watching things develop) but instead knowing the inevitable LJBF speech is on its way at some point.

Also I need to be prepared to act alpha when it occurs which I reckon I may struggle with right now....