My anxious attachment style

[CaptFinnBad]

Been trying to look into the mirror lately. One of the things I need to address is an anxious attachment style (hate this buzz phrase btw) that I have.

It developed in childhood. My parents owned shops, basically as I child I was left in the empty house at the back of the shop we owned to mostly look after myself when my parents focused on their business and mental health issues.

A little later my mother walked out, I came home from school one day to be told my mother had gone. She had left to start a life with a guy she had be cheating on my dad with.

So I was basically left with a mentally troubled father, that couldn't provide a safe loving home.

A safe loving home is something I never knew growing up.

Not looking for pitty just trying to put pen to paper to why I have developed this anxious attachment style.

Life is really good for me. I've build myself from the ground up over the years. I have no serious struggles and my life is generally full of joy.

Although I do have this one scar I find difficult to heal.

In relationships friends, family , girlfriend whatever I'm secure. I'm happy, not needy, self reliant.

My issue is if something happens and I'm given the cold shoulder, warm is withdrawn, I feel it.

It triggers a sense of abandonment in myself, the anxiety can be quite consuming.

Probably sounds pretty weak, although I'm not a weak man by any means.

I'm currently in such a strong position in life right now I feel this is something I can face and finally overcome.

My question is how does one learn to self sooth , and have power over ones emotions when consumed by feelings of overwhelming anxiety when they perceive a feeling of abandonment?

I don't believe this is unique to me and quite a common thing. Possibly not with the same back story but in the sense guys becoming weak and losing frame/losing their minds when they sense someone pulls away from them.

See a lot of threads with guys in a similar places as myself. The advise is usually get busy, withdraw your attention when she pulls away , go no contact when a guy ys losing his mind over a break up e.t.c.


I believe it's not about carrying out the right actions, but recognising this dysfunction and facing the root.

That's what I'm hoping this thread to be about.

Sharing stories, being honest and men learning to overcome this.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

My life is very rich in regards of hobbies, drive, passions, social connections, my business e.t.c.

I have an abundance of places that require me to invest my energy. Literally so many things begging for my attention.

Not enough time in the day usually.

For me it's not about throwing myself into something else, more about learning to clear my mind so I can focus on important things.

I have found going into the body does help, extra focus on the gym, stretching, meditation.

Not quite there yet , but I think key is about learning to clear the mind when emotions start to become overwhelming.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Attachment styles are certainly real. Deeply rooted in early childhood as you note. My husband has them also. Dysfunctional parents, abandoned/neglected by his mom, dad was rough on him etc. I myself had a mother who was emotionally cold. I’ve worked through things but my husband still feels some of the same things you describe.

As a young child you are helpless and dependent. As a young child you cannot process the emotions in a healthy way; you don’t realize that it’s not about you, that the flaw is in the damaged adult and so the triggers are rooted deep in the self conscious over time. You can let these things go as an adult but first you’ve got to reach a level of self assurance to be able to examine it rationally and release it. It will take time to recalibrate so be patient with yourself. The awareness you have is a major first step.

I have transitioned from avoidant to secure/avoidant over many years with more secure than avoidant now. My husband is anxious/avoidant which creates issues but I try to be patient with him & encourage him to be patient with himself. It’s tough because when he’s out of round I at times withdraw, and this creates an anxiousness in him.

Attachment styles are an important lens to look at because you can learn a lot about how your style meshes with another human being.

Kudos on your self examination. No easy stuff.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Advice from the old lady:

Attachment styles are certainly real. Deeply rooted in early childhood as you note. My husband has them also. Dysfunctional parents, abandoned/neglected by his mom, dad was rough on him etc. I myself had a mother who was emotionally cold. I’ve worked through things but my husband still feels some of the same things you describe.

As a young child you are helpless and dependent. As a young child you cannot process the emotions in a healthy way; you don’t realize that it’s not about you, that the flaw is in the damaged adult and so the triggers are rooted deep in the self conscious over time. You can let these things go as an adult but first you’ve got to reach a level of self assurance to be able to examine it rationally and release it. It will take time to recalibrate so be patient with yourself. The awareness you have is a major first step.

I have transitioned from avoidant to secure/avoidant over many years with more secure than avoidant now. My husband is anxious/avoidant which creates issues but I try to be patient with him & encourage him to be patient with himself. It’s tough because when he’s out of round I at times withdraw, and this creates an anxiousness in him.

Attachment styles are an important lens to look at because you can learn a lot about how your style meshes with another human being.

Kudos on your self examination. No easy stuff.

I'm definitely not always anxious. I'm actually pretty secure in a relationship.

There are things that trigger me though, emotionally withholding, stonewalling e.t.c. this triggers the anxious in me.

In the past it's where I lost all frame and respect. Usually the behaviour I'm facing is unacceptable and pretty toxic, but because it triggers my anxious i end up shooting myself in the foot.

Overwhelmed with emotion and because of my emotional response , it kinda becomes acceptable behaviour in the eyes of the person doing it.

It screwed over my previous relationships. I just went numb over time couldn't feel a thing good emotion or bad.

I just want to get to the point I have control over my emotions when feeling anxious. I'm to there to a large extent but not enough as I'd like to be.

 

[Dr.Suave]

So your mom abandoned you to run off with a Chad? D@mn, bro. Thats rough. But it says more about her than it says about you. Did you ever went to proffesional therapy? Nothing wrong with therapy, its a good thing.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

So your mom abandoned you to run off with a Chad? D@mn, bro. Thats rough. But it says more about her than it says about you. Did you ever went to proffesional therapy? Nothing wrong with therapy, its a good thing.

He wasn't even a chad. Literally a star trek nerd. Kinda the opposite of my father.

Runs a little deeper regarding my dad. Little bit of a gangster.


Kinda makes you feel insecure as a kid, mum run off, home alone most the time and the above is the person responsible for caring and nurturing you.

 

[kavi]

Been trying to look into the mirror lately. One of the things I need to address is an anxious attachment style (hate this buzz phrase btw) that I have.

It developed in childhood. My parents owned shops, basically as I child I was left in the empty house at the back of the shop we owned to mostly look after myself when my parents focused on their business and mental health issues.

A little later my mother walked out, I came home from school one day to be told my mother had gone. She had left to start a life with a guy she had be cheating on my dad with.

So I was basically left with a mentally troubled father, that couldn't provide a safe loving home.

A safe loving home is something I never knew growing up.

Not looking for pitty just trying to put pen to paper to why I have developed this anxious attachment style.

Life is really good for me. I've build myself from the ground up over the years. I have no serious struggles and my life is generally full of joy.

Although I do have this one scar I find difficult to heal.

In relationships friends, family , girlfriend whatever I'm secure. I'm happy, not needy, self reliant.

My issue is if something happens and I'm given the cold shoulder, warm is withdrawn, I feel it.

It triggers a sense of abandonment in myself, the anxiety can be quite consuming.

Probably sounds pretty weak, although I'm not a weak man by any means.

I'm currently in such a strong position in life right now I feel this is something I can face and finally overcome.

My question is how does one learn to self sooth , and have power over ones emotions when consumed by feelings of overwhelming anxiety when they perceive a feeling of abandonment?

I don't believe this is unique to me and quite a common thing. Possibly not with the same back story but in the sense guys becoming weak and losing frame/losing their minds when they sense someone pulls away from them.

See a lot of threads with guys in a similar places as myself. The advise is usually get busy, withdraw your attention when she pulls away , go no contact when a guy ys losing his mind over a break up e.t.c.


I believe it's not about carrying out the right actions, but recognising this dysfunction and facing the root.

That's what I'm hoping this thread to be about.

Sharing stories, being honest and men learning to overcome this.

Everything in relationships is about power, unfortunately in the eyes of many. It is what it is.

Withdrawing and pulling away is a standard move by women to gain power in a relationship, if nothing else this can be fun for them or boost their ego.

I dnt believe in the attachment style stuff. But ppl are different and childhookd trauma can affect ppl I guess.

Still, my point is that anxiety about others esp womens withdrawal affects all men due to lack of security. This is something you have to work on. It is just part of the relationship 'game'. In any relationship between men and women in the modern wold, women use withdrawal to cause anxiety in the man and gain power. Men have to be able to handle this, it is just part of 'the game'.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Kavi,
A very interesting post....I met an Old Italian Guy sitting at my Bus Stop a few Months ago,we struck up a conversation,in his broken English he spoke of His relationship with Women...."Eze Elastico-Bandico" he said stretching his arms together and apart,you say "withdrawing and pulling away",of course though expressed differently,you are both right....In my experience relationships with Women are one continual Pvissing contest...But say,perhaps not with all...Over the past 20 Years I have had intimate relationships with three Mainland Chinese Women,I have mixed in with their Friends,and I can say they just aren't like that...more a question of responsibilities and one of those that they accept without Qualms is being obliging in the Bedroom,where most matrimonial problems start.

 

[Gamisch]

Look up" healing your innerchild" and go from there. I highly recommend therapy although I do understand that it's ridiculously expensive in the States. Still there are affordable online options ,perhaps even check out European therapists .

Unfortunately women will always trigger these emotions. You're basically saying: life's good ,expect for the moment when I have to deal with a woman ." So from that regard you're at the right place. No therapist will EVER spill as much about game as we do over here. But yet, the processing of "unresolved mental scar tissue " is something that needs to be worked on by a professional( imo!!)

Sometimes we need to adjust our expectations of life. Like you, I've seen related women do questionable things and ai took that red pill at a early age. But sometimes,( like having a army sergeant as a father can produce a rebellious child who ends up playing call of duty on welfare) we want to prove "life" otherwise. So instead of accepting that women are how they are, we hold on to the believe that our situation was an outlier rather than the norm.

In your case, if you manage to create a healthy relationship with relationships...you can lead a happy life. Eliminate your weaknesses..sounds like now those are ESPECIALLY your view and thus relationship with women. E.g ,you might see women as a fun commodity and no more, one that is fickle AF and thus cannot be build upon. If she strays, there will be another one around the corner.

So your mom abandoned you to run off with a Chad? D@mn, bro. Thats rough. But it says more about her than it says about you. Did you ever went to proffesional therapy? Nothing wrong with therapy, its a good thing.

He's redpill AF but doesn't know nor embraces it...