Moving in with EX? Agh!

[bugsquish]

EEch!

Yes you read that right, my ex (4 years together over a year apart) wants to move in together, as friends of course. We've got pretty close since I started studying the ways of the DJ, mostly cus she trusts me not to hit on her while I have a steady stream of other women.

She's been practically living with me anyway since she is studying in my city and it saves her train fares. She's looking for a place of her own and now she's asked me to get a place with her.

She kinda has a BF and he knows the situation he seems ok with me. There's been nothing sexual between us for over a year and it's unlikely to rekindle.

We get on so well, I mean we're definetely best friends. We have unconditional trust and look out for each other. I don't supplicate (in fact I often get her to do stuff for me), and I don't think I'm an emotional tampon. But having said that, I kinda realise that we have been acting like boyfriend and girlfriend only minus the sex.

I can't figure out if I'm being AFC or genuinely enjoying a fantastic friendship. I mean, I'd love to **** her of course but I'm harboring no illusions about winning her over. She is fun to be with, thoughtful, and amazing social proof and we always go clubbing together.

I suspect moving in together may be a step too far. So why am I seriously considering it?

 

[Ser_i]

hhmm strange situation I guess, there is certainly something running trough your mind otherwise you wouldn't have posted, but on the other part your post seems to indicate there is no clear emotional bagage from the relationship...

I'd never considder it, but that's just me living together with an ex girl is big no no for me, cause I can't cope with the drama them girls provide... especialy if I'd meet a new girl and i'd introduce her to my house mate my ex girlfriend.

it's all up to you though just think of the consequences for your own life instead of wanting to help her out.

 

[bp1974]

Don't do it. If you need to move or find a new flatmate, find a guy, not a girl, and definitely not an ex. No matter how good friends you are you will regret it.

 

[princelydeeds]

I say no way don't do it. There is no way on Gods green Earth I could live with an ex. Sooner or later Im gonna come home drunk and horny then its on. If she says no Im gonna be pissed and if she says yes then it just opens up that whole can of worms. Either way it goes it seems like a lose/lose scenario. If it were me I wouldn't see any positives. She is obviously attractive in your eyes, so why put all that temptation in front of yourself.

 

[bugsquish]

Originally posted by Ser_i
hhmm strange situation I guess, there is certainly something running trough your mind otherwise you wouldn't have posted, but on the other part your post seems to indicate there is no clear emotional bagage from the relationship...

I'd never considder it, but that's just me living together with an ex girl is big no no for me, cause I can't cope with the drama them girls provide... especialy if I'd meet a new girl and i'd introduce her to my house mate my ex girlfriend.

it's all up to you though just think of the consequences for your own life instead of wanting to help her out.

No clear emotional baggage I can't deny a little frustration over the sexless nature of the relationship, but the friendship outweighs that. She's met most of the girls I've been with since we broke up and she always makes an effort to get on with them (and I her boyfriends where possible), so no worries there. Great point, I need to decide based on my needs rather than hers.

Originally posted by bp1974
Don't do it. If you need to move or find a new flatmate, find a guy, not a girl, and definitely not an ex. No matter how good friends you are you will regret it.

Sounds like you're talking from experience! Can you elaborate?

Originally posted by princelydeeds
I say no way don't do it. There is no way on Gods green Earth I could live with an ex. Sooner or later Im gonna come home drunk and horny then its on. If she says no Im gonna be pissed and if she says yes then it just opens up that whole can of worms. Either way it goes it seems like a lose/lose scenario. If it were me I wouldn't see any positives. She is obviously attractive in your eyes, so why put all that temptation in front of yourself.

I can see exactly where you're coming from, but then I have had a lot of time to come to terms with the situation. I mean, I haven't tried it on with her for a long time because she's made it pretty clear that I'd be wasting my time. And since I started visiting this site I can actually deal with not having her in a way I never have before.

What she's planning is a bit of a party den. I mentioned she's good social proof for me but it works both ways. I came here to the city to make friends and a new life; it seems she's followed me here to be part of that life. But combined we are meeting much more people and having much more fun.

There's no real baggage on her side. She'd be quite happy to set me up with her hypothetical new HB friends.

She wants an answer in the next coupla days. Agh...

 

[Slickster]

Hey Bug! What up punk?

If I remember right your ex's name is Emily or something like that?
Anyway sounds like you two have something pretty special going on there. Why didn't things work out for you two?

My opinion on moving in together is a big NO. You might be alright with it and she might be too. But what about any future gf's or bf's the two of you might have? Do you really want to be coming home after work or school to the sounds of her getting rocked by some other guy? And vice versa when you are chilling with your women you probably won't want her there getting in the way either. I know you're not looking for LTR's right now but if that ever changes then chances are any cool chicks you meet are going to be turned off by the fact you are living with your ex.

I was the lone guy living in a house with 5 chicks for about a year and then 3 moved out and I lived with the other two for 2 years. So I have some experience living with chicks and all I can say is that it can be a huge pain.

Unless you're a couple or planning on getting married then keep your lives separate.

Slick

 

[Quick]

Originally posted by Ser_i
especialy if I'd meet a new girl and i'd introduce her to my house mate my ex girlfriend.

Have you really considered how the above will add weeks in the trust building department to any new girl you bring home? Proving you're not a player, or a liar, and that you're not currently having a relationship with her. It can't be worth it.

 

[bp1974]

Elaboration.

I've never lived with an ex (not that dumb ) but I have shared with girl 'friends' and trust me, not only will it cramp your style, it will be annoying too. You will have much more fun if you find some guys you get on with and share with them for a while.

 

[bugsquish]

Originally posted by Slickster
Hey Bug! What up punk?

If I remember right your ex's name is Emily or something like that?
Anyway sounds like you two have something pretty special going on there. Why didn't things work out for you two?

My opinion on moving in together is a big NO. You might be alright with it and she might be too. But what about any future gf's or bf's the two of you might have? Do you really want to be coming home after work or school to the sounds of her getting rocked by some other guy? And vice versa when you are chilling with your women you probably won't want her there getting in the way either. I know you're not looking for LTR's right now but if that ever changes then chances are any cool chicks you meet are going to be turned off by the fact you are living with your ex.

I was the lone guy living in a house with 5 chicks for about a year and then 3 moved out and I lived with the other two for 2 years. So I have some experience living with chicks and all I can say is that it can be a huge pain.

Unless you're a couple or planning on getting married then keep your lives separate.

Slick

Wassup Slick! Pretty close, her name's Emma. Things didn't work out because I "got bored" and wanted a taste of freedom. I then proceeded to systematically destroy any attraction she had towards me in a bid to be single again. Doh. Add a healthy dose of AFC when I realised my mistake and you have one dead relationship.

Hmm your point about hearing "sex noises" is a significant one. That's gonna be v. wierd. But then we could just have a no-sex-without-loud-music rule. She already has a boyfriend who already knows she stays with me. In fact today she told me he thought she slept in my bed with me and was okay with that(???).

Quick and Slick, if and when I get into a relationship with a chick it will be on my terms and if she can't handle that setup then she can hit the road. I am never gonna be dominated by a woman's jealousy ever, ever again.

BP1974 and Slick, why was living with chicks a pain? I quite like the idea in a focked up way. There's already a girl in the flat (21, Swedish party girl who I haven't met yet ) so it will be me, her and Emma. These girls will have parties and HB friends

Emma and I have some kind of mad bond that neither of us share with anyone else. It's been proven as not possible to keep our lives seperate, plus my housemates here a boring AFC fockwits.

We're scheduled to go meet this Swedish chick and check out the flat on Thursday. So far the only thing any of you guys have said to sway me is the sex noises thing. Deep down I know this is probably not a good idea. I'm still seriously considering it.

Slap me

 

[Slickster]

Hey Bug!

I guess I could have went into the "Pain in the ass" part a bit more in detail. So I will now.

Yes living with women can be fun. Meeting their HB friends is also a bonus. There are many pro's. They all have do with having women around your life all the time.

However this is the paradox. Having them around all the time!

1. Periods. My example is pretty extreme cuz there were 5 chicks and me! But when that time of the month came around. The house pretty much became unliveable. Because there were five, at any one time you could expect to come home to a b*tchy girl on the rag. Her mood affected everyone elses and the stress of the place made me hide in my room or just plain leave.

2. Men of the house. When you are there alone with them everything is great. Relationships or not you become the man of the house and they become your women. So they start bringing guys home. No problem at first. There's no feelings of jealousy or anything. Why would there be? But the longer you live with them the stronger your bonds/friendships become. Then you'll come home one night (maybe its been a bad night or you're tired) and there's a house full of guys over all trying to mack your "women". Sounds ridiculous I know. Its hard to imagine but it can become very annoying. Again my experience was kind of extreme with 5 chicks. I'd come home some nights and just want to chill and there's a couple a$$holes getting their mack on and getting in my face. Exceptionally bad when one of them is an *alpha male* type who just won't shut the f*ck up. Its strange even though you have no bonds with these women other than friendship you can end up feeling jealous. Silly I know.

3. The drama. Nothing will fill your life with more bullsh*t drama than living with a couple chicks. The cattiness, the girl fights, the pouting, the crying, the b*tchiness, the late night talks about *feelings*, and who likes who, and who did what. "Did you hear so and so got together with so and so? What a sl*t! I'm never talking to her again." The kind of sh*t you have to LIVE with women to experience.

4. No privacy. You bring chicks back home with you. Well they become friends with your roomies and find out tons of sh*t about you that you might not want them to know. Even though your roomies are supposed to be YOUR roomies women are *sisters* through and through. Pretty tough to play the field when one of your prospects has befriended your roomates.

5. Girl sh*t everywhere. This one is self explanatory. Tampons (new and used) you'll see 'em. The laundry is full of stinky, messy panties. I used to like the thought of womens underwear. Oh yeah good luck getting a chance to use the washing machine. All the nick nack trinket flowery crap they'll decorate the house with. All the sappy chick music and chick movies. Seriously I'd come home to a house full of chicks crying watching some cheesy movie and then afterwards they'd light candles and girl talk while listening to the crappiest saddest music. It would literally drive me out of the house.

6. One of them has feelings for you. This seems great at first till the other(s) finds out. Jealousy sets in and the whole house becomes tense. The odd person out feels excluded. This will inevitably break up the roomie situation.

7. Girl time and Guy time. Theres just times when you want your buddies over to drink beer, watch sports, swear, be a$$holes, be men you know. And vice versa for the chicks. Having the others around takes this option away for both parties.

I could go on and on. Don't get me wrong. Thinking back those days were definately fun times. When I first moved in things were great. But by the time I was ready to move out...I was READY to move the f*ck out! I got my own place, no roomies and it was the best decision I could have made at that time. The funny thing is I used to hang at their house quite a bit before I moved in there anyway. Which is what I suggest you do. Get Emma and Swedish chick to move in together and you can enjoy them anytime you want. And be able to retire to your own private space and live your own life as you want it.

I doubt you'll take my advice though.

 

[myfriendblu]

Don't do it. Why? Your biggest concern isn't her or her boyfriend. Its all the new potential hook-ups and random girls and SRT's, LTR's that your gonna have around. You think she is gonna stay 100 percent totally out of your love life and relationships? I HIGHLY doubt that. She is gonna butt in her big mouth when your not around. What if you get a LTR or even a STR? Do you want your ex to be friends and talk/hang out with her? I would't for a billion reasons. If you ex is living with you, thats whats gonna happen. Who knows what may happen? After your ex sees you dating other women she may get jealous and try and sabatoge your new relationship.

LOL I just got 500 posts. Whoooohoooo

 

[bugsquish]

Whoah thanks Slick! I had this rosy little picture of living in a dreamworld surrounded by hotties (with a fresh selection on tap). Now I'm starting to see a little more of the bigger picture...

1. Periods
Agh how could I forget that one. Although, Emma has been here on the rag for a few days with no significant angst on my part.

2. Men of the house
Interesting concept.. I'm not the jealous type tho. A good opportunity to make new friends methinks!

3. The drama
LOL diffusing that sounds like an interesting challange, or I could always join in

4. No privacy
Dunno about Swedish chick but Emma would never do that.

5. Girl sh*t everywhere
My room is already full of girly **** left behind by various women Some very good points here. You made me think about the hour long wait for the bathroom in the morning, nasty.

6. One of them has feelings for you
No chance with Emma, just have to keep my hands off Swedish chick.

7. Girl time and Guy time
I plan to set my room up as an auxilary lounge for any neccesary retreat for myself or buddies It'll be handy if any of the factors you mentioned start to piss me off.

I have a tight window of opportunity here and I don't want to regret missing it. If it really is that sh!t I'll just have to move out again. The thing is, I reckon since you were living in an EXTREME version of this scenario (5 women holy fock that sounds like a rollercoaster) I'll be hitting modest versions of your problems. You guessed it, you didn't change my mind but then again you have given me a nice big chunk of what to expect which I needed and I thank you once again!

Blu, she has never interfered in any of my relationships since we broke up. In fact, she will help out if she can. The best way I can describe our relationship is like brother/sister (with mild and occasional incestuous thoughts on my side). Congratulations on becoming a Master Don Juan.

 

[Beebo]

im in this situation right now. my ex wants to find a place together. hell she even wanted to look at places today as i write this, we would have been calling and looking. i discovered this post yesterday and it has all of what i have been trying to say to her. it wont work...something is gonna screw up.

even more so my name would have to be on the lease. she screws off, or we fight and i am stuck.

but has anyone out there made this work? i dont see how. before i read this, i also was thinking how it would be bringing a girl home and having my ex there. and the other way around.

she is hung up on the idea, promises things will work, i say i have doubts and all she does, is not listen to what i say, is just keeps on trying to say it will work - then says if i dont think it is a good idea to tell her - uh hello there??? hint hint


but has anyout out there shacked up with an ex and made it work???

 

[bugsquish]

Originally posted by Beebo
im in this situation right now. my ex wants to find a place together. hell she even wanted to look at places today as i write this, we would have been calling and looking. i discovered this post yesterday and it has all of what i have been trying to say to her. it wont work...something is gonna screw up.

even more so my name would have to be on the lease. she screws off, or we fight and i am stuck.

but has anyone out there made this work? i dont see how. before i read this, i also was thinking how it would be bringing a girl home and having my ex there. and the other way around.

she is hung up on the idea, promises things will work, i say i have doubts and all she does, is not listen to what i say, is just keeps on trying to say it will work - then says if i dont think it is a good idea to tell her - uh hello there??? hint hint


but has anyout out there shacked up with an ex and made it work???

Scary. How close is your situation to mine?

How long were you together?
How long have you been apart?
Do you still like her?
Does she still like you?
Who dumped who?
How well do you get on now? AS FRIENDS?

I might add that there's no way I'd be on her lease, I'm not gonna be liable for her rent if she focks off. I pay for my room and that's it.

I really shouldn't be thinking about doing this. I know it. But fock it I'm gonna. I like a focked up lifestyle.

 

[Beebo]

hey bugsquish

me and my gf were together for 13 months. we broke up in may, my idea, but have remained friends. i started losing feelings for her partly do to her lack of resposibility. speeding tickets, traffic accidents, schooling, things like that.

one reason she has still been around is she is a great person inside but ive grown apart. and she is a good friend. but since breaking up with her, nothing has come back to the point where i felt that i MUST get her back. one bad/good reason is that since the breakup i have been attracting better looking girls - mentally and physically.

we did live together for a month last year, she came to live with me for august and there was problems. she didnt clean up as much, left stuff around, bathroom a mess, not helping chip in for food. i dont mind buying, but when it becomes a 'have to' and not a 'want to' then it pisses me off

she still likes me - she still tells me she loves me. we get along good as friends but there are times where she calls everyday and doesnt give me space that i want. we have our good times and bad, still have sex the odd time, though it is always her who starts it.

she wants to move out on her own, she lives at home, but as her friend, i am concerned with just who she would live with.

now there is someone i am interested in, and its damn hard when she thinks there is no one so i have to put my phone on silent and get pissed whenever she uses my phone. thats a big trust thing. if a bf or gf will let you browse through there phone and let you answer it they have nothing to hide. TMI i know.

if i comes down to it, if she does not hear my 'no' then i am just going to f--- around until she gets the message. i just feel living together with her will become her plan to get back with me.

 

[bugsquish]

Well it looks like your situation is a little different. It would be worse for you dude. She sounds a little messy and negligent. It's gonna be pretty hard for you to live your life and mack other chicks too. Obviously she still wants you and you like it that way. You even seem to be giving her false hope by not telling her about other chix.

I would have to say don't do it, unless you really wanna be with her.