MOVED - Broke it off with the near perfect girl?

[powers85]

Let me start this off by giving you guys a bit of back story: I came to this site in my late teens looking for advice after a harsh breakup. A lot of the advice here should be common sense to a man given the nature of women. I.e Don't be a b**** unless you want to be treated like one. After said breakup I altered my worldview and general attitude towards women. When I entered college I started to perfect my image physically and adopted an "I dont give a **** attitude". I soon found overwhelming success with women. I'm 25 now and I have played the field enough to know the difference between a fling and LTR potential.

Last August my mom committed suicide and the hb8 I was talking to was recovering from a near fatal car accident that happened 2 weeks prior. We both supported each other and clicked on a level I have never experienced before. Needless to say we fell deeply in love and we were together exactly one year before I felt compelled to break up with her.

Our relationship has always been great sexually/emotionally and we've talked about moving in and potentially marrying.
The problem is we argue over stupid **** CONSTANTLY and neither side ever gives in. We are both so alike, confident and stubborn to the core. We have come to mutual agreements in the past and solved issues but its never easy. A lot of our problems came from the mood altering pain meds she was addicted to due to the accident in the beginning of our relationship. We have never had trust issues or any major problems worthy of a break-up but we have gotten into severe verbal arguments. In the early stages she believed I had anger issues because of the trauma I've been through and I believed she had irritation issues due to the mood altering substances she had been subjected to. Both have been touchy subjects for us and we have gotten through it but the fights have started up again every 3
or 4 days for the past couple months. We both point blame and neither want to give in to the other. In the past if I accept blame for arguing we are fine, but I began to think the apologies were one sided. I have offered to change certain negative things about myself and she has offered to do the same but I feel like I am alone in upholding the bargain and we end up arguing in the same way over little **** that gets blown way out of proportion regardless.

Our last fight was over something stupid like usual and we ended up not speaking to each other for 4 days. It was immature on both our parts but the fight was started by her and I honestly thought she would apologize before we let it go that far. We almost made up 4 days later until another argument came out of the blue and we ended up not meeting. I hadn't seen her in almost week for the first time in our relationship and broke it off with her the next day because of some things that were said. I honestly think we were locked in a power struggle that I wouldn't give in to. I feel like she is just looking for me to always tell her how I ****** up and she may be trying to gain power in this relationship. I don't want to end up married to a woman that has all the power and this is one of those moments that in my mind was indicative of who controls the relationship. Ya, it's going to hurt for a long time and I know I could probably say I ****** up and get her back but is it really worth it in the long run? I think this girl is one in a million because I've never experienced a closer bond but I also entertain the possibility that I'm still young and I don't know **** about what's really out there. So I guess my question is did I **** up or is this just one of those things where two people love each other but aren't compatible?

 

[penkitten]

So I guess my question is did I **** up or is this just one of those things where two people love each other but aren't compatible?

i read your post, and this is one of those times where i want to point out that it really isn't about being in love or being compatible as much as it is about being on the right path in life.

things seem much clearer from the outside looking in.
she was going to experience a near fatal crash.... and you were going to experience a mind altering period of grief with your mom's sudden death... and the two of you were thrown together to pull one another through it, only to make it out on the right path.

however, time has passed and the paths have seperated and no longer travel in the same direction. her path, no doubt, will eventually lead her to get clean off that medication. this is an issue that you were not meant to help her with. she must find her own way.

where does your path lead?
will you follow it to newer and better things?
or will you try to vere off your path to follow her down hers, only to be walking in circles?

it's not about questioning whether you two were ever in love... sometimes love fades for a reason. it isn't about deciding who is right and who is wrong to the last couple of arguments... they happened for a reason. and it isn't about saying who is or is not compatible... because even the most compatible couples don't always belong together.

 

[romangod]

I know I could probably say I ****** up and get her back but is it really worth it in the long run? I think this girl is one in a million because I've never experienced a closer bond but I also entertain the possibility that I'm still young and I don't know **** about what's really out there. So I guess my question is did I **** up or is this just one of those things where two people love each other but aren't compatible?

First off, my sympathies for your mother's suicide. I'm sure it was very traumatic.

Secondly, your girl is not one in a million. Woman that argue over stupid things and silly power struggles are a dime a dozen.

Thirdly, I don't think you love each other. Both your actions in this relationship aren't of love. It's some other warped emotion that you're mistaking for love.


In the long run, it's not worth it. Actually, it sounds like it would be very painful.


Cheers!

 

[scrouds]

A drug addicted chick is not anywhere close to "near perfect".

Perspective is hard when you're in love.

 

[powers85]

Hey, thanks for the responses.

I dont know if I made it clear but we worked through her addiction and shes been off for 5 or 6 months. It caused problems in the beginning but she learned to recognize her mood differences and the arguing tapered back a lot when she quit completely. However, the last several months have been just like the first few.

 

[macagent]

The power struggles are the red flag to me. She is going for control, and with you being the one to apologize predominantly, she's taking it. I clocked 14yrs with a woman like this, and I can honestly say it only gets worse. If she cannot respect your choices over small nonsense, then what about when it comes time to buy a house, or how to raise your kids?

You are slightly younger than I when I got together with my ex, and I believe your perception of what is important for your life will change drastically in the next 10-15yrs. Your 30's will make your 20's look like kindergarten, and you really shouldn't miss out on all that fun! When you hit 40 you can start thinking about marriage/LTR, as there are plenty of young hotties out there interested in a mature man.

To paraphrase Alan Arkin "Son, go **** a lot more women."

 

[Yo'Mama]

Now I've been single for a while I think about all the arguing and fighting with women that I have experienced and that I see my friends go through every day. And it just seems utterly absurd to me. I don't get it. Why do guys put up with it?

For example my friend was telling me yesterday his wife gets mad when he plays Nintendo. I asked him why and he couldn't say.

Most women seem to want to control their guys. It's really hard to live a peaceful life with them. They'll always find something. The problem is when you've been in a relationship for a while it seems really normal. Then when you haven't been in a relationship for a while you gain perspective on the whole thing and the only thing you think is 'Why the hell did I put up with that?'. Life is too short to be constantly fighting with some nagging wench.

 

[L B]

The girl might be perfect in your mind, but if it's bad now, imagine how it will be later. In very rare cases does it get better as the relationship develop. Arguing over petty things is a huge problem. It's petty and it's numerous. Over time, it destroys the relationship.

I love it when older couples with no other option say they love to argue over stupid things, it's how they spice their love life. The fuk is wrong with them. They can't stand each other but they are more afraid of being alone looking for other options. They rationalize every possible problem they have to make it seem normal.

 

[powers85]

It's hard to explain the unusual dynamics of our relationship. She is overall pretty supportive of anything I do and we dont argue over choices I make, my hobbies, or spending time with my friends. We literally start to argue about nothing out of the blue, and what we argue about is not even as destructive as the greneral lack of understanding and willingness to compromise. I feel that I am quick to acknowledge my own faults and she is not. I dont even know for sure if we are having power struggles or if she is just too prideful to acknowledge her own faults. I use logic and reason when we argue and if she feels cornered she will somehow spin the convo in a way that makes me look like the bad guy. We used to have it under control but as soon as it starts happening she remembers only the negative things we go through which only leads to more arguments.

@Macagant: Man, we were both kind of forced to grow up fast. I am not into the bar scene and booty calls anymore, been there too long. But you're probably right, they say you become a new you every 7 years.

@ curiousgirl: Ya, she had cosmetic surgery 5 weeks ago to remove a scar from the crash and got a small breast augmentation as a bonus gift to herself. They gave her a small dosage of pain meds but the weird thing is stayed with her for a full week while she recovered and we had virtually no arguments during that time. And ya we have always spent a ton of time together but we go out with friends as a couple and I spend time with my friends w/o her all the time too. Thanks for the encouraging words.

 

[Zunder]

This will sound harsh:
*This woman sounds like an endless sh!t-tester.
*This woman sounds like a drama queen
*You seem to be the one doing all the apologising = Ghey.
*You sound like you are become a herby beta, and she will/has started to
resent you for that.

- Your affection for her has clouded your judgement, led you to make excuses for her, led you to be unhappy. Deep down you KNOW you need to end it - but it's hard, it's damn hard.

Good luck bro.

 

[Jitterbug]

Go get another girl, mate. If she's near perfect, I guarantee you'll bump into a dozen perfect ones on the first day you walk out of the door.

 

[scrouds]

Hey, thanks for the responses.

I dont know if I made it clear but we worked through her addiction and shes been off for 5 or 6 months. It caused problems in the beginning but she learned to recognize her mood differences and the arguing tapered back a lot when she quit completely. However, the last several months have been just like the first few.

I'd put cash down she's using behind your back, considering her behavior is going back to the way it was.

 

[powers85]

Yup, yup, and yup.

Especially scrouds, my thoughts exactly -she denies it.

I mean I've already let her go, no contact since so it's not an issue of wether im going to break up with her or not. It happened. Starting to feel better about my decision more and more, but damn it's hard.

 

[macagent]

strength bruv.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Your relationship description was eerily familiar to me. It was the same dynamics I dealt with in the first 2 years of a bpd relationship before the really odd behavior manifested.

Red flags: She absolutely cannot take responsibly or blame, she sabotages the relationship every few days, she twists your reality so that you are always feeling like you are the bad guy.

You did the right thing.

 

[Yo'Mama]

@ curiousgirl: Ya, she had cosmetic surgery 5 weeks ago to remove a scar from the crash and got a small breast augmentation as a bonus gift to herself.

Woa, woa this changes everything. Describe tits.

 

[tafakna]

Our last fight was over something stupid like usual and we ended up not speaking to each other for 4 days. It was immature on both our parts but the fight was started by her and I honestly thought she would apologize before we let it go that far. We almost made up 4 days later until another argument came out of the blue and we ended up not meeting.

Not sure how relevant this is to all of this. But I remember an ex gf of mine. Her family had a ranch so we invited a bunch of friends over for a holiday.

If I recall correctly she wanted to move a fridge closer to the pool or something (she was always trying to make everything perfect). I was talking to my buddies and told her to wait a minute, which eventually led to an argument.

I remember one of my good buddies, that is married, telling me:
"Dude, even if you were right 100% of the time; trying to win 100% of the arguments will break any relationship."

And it works both ways, maybe in this case she's the one trying to be always right...

 

[powers85]

^ this. This is something my dad has always preached and one of the things that has had me thinking I pulled the trigger a bit premature. She has admitted she was wrong in the past but it takes forever to get her to see it if at all sometimes.

@ yoMama Perfect full C now, I barely got to enjoy them, limited sex in the last 4 weeks. One of her incisions tore slightly after some physical activity.

 

[lifeislearning]

This will sound harsh:
*This woman sounds like an endless sh!t-tester.
*This woman sounds like a drama queen
*You seem to be the one doing all the apologising = Ghey.
*You sound like you are become a herby beta, and she will/has started to
resent you for that.
Good luck bro.

1. Sh!t tests can be quite useful for our growth as men. I have so much respect for women who call me on my **** (I can think of 3 who have to date). Plus if you can easily evade a woman's sh!t test, you have the skills to evade any argument for life.

2. Maybe, don't know her.

3. What is gay about apologising? One of the greatest things I've learned was to let stupid things go and not have them escalate to argument. Try these magic words, "You know what, I'm not sure. You may be right." First time I said that my gf nearly sh!t herself. Women LOVE a guy who does not argue and whine.

4. Dunno if you are, but women do usually resent that.

What is this manly sh!t about never giving an inch? So many things are just not worth an effort. If you take a stand on important things and let the crap slide, your woman will take note. If everything has to be your way you look like a whiny b!tch, not an alpha male.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

It will only get worse. Glad you let it go. I used to date a girl who would always want to be right and would reluctantly admit to faults. Thank God it ended.