Moments of clarity...

[Colossus]

I've been having some moments of mental clarity recently. I just had a two-hour long bull session with my roommate, whom I would call a natural Don Juan. The guy has probably never even heard of this site or any other male self-help forum for that matter, but he knows the game inside and out like he wrote the DJ bible himself...and he has the stories to prove it.

I made the decision recently to kick some poisonous habits in my life--namely pot and porn. I have been a daily user for almost three years now and I see the consequences it is having on my social under-development. Due to some circumstances and I guess a change of heart, Ive decided to throw in the towel. Im not saying I'll never touch it again, because I think that, like alcohol, it can be fun at the right time. But the daily (sometimes 10x daily!) use has got to go.
Porn is basically the same story but worse--it can become an addiction despite what most people say, and it can RUIN a man's sense of self esteem. Long story short, this is a habit that is WELL overdue for termination.

So, in the past few days as Ive been pulling my confidence out of the dirt, alot of the puzzle pieces that have been swirling in my mind have fallen into place.

I have realized that I made a lot of mistakes---AFC-reeking mistakes--early in my relationship with my girlfriend. I have been desperate for her attention and approval. I knew this all along, but when things arent right in your mind you tend to rationalize your desperate behavior--because you dont know what else to do. I know that the damage has been done and I cant take back the way I have acted with her in the past. Frankly, I am surprised she tolerated it for so long. Now I dont think that I have been a complete AFC, but you get the picture.

My girl is not like other girls. She is different than the bimbos that a lot guys on this site hook up with and are the fuel for their "WTF?" posts. She is good-looking, I would say 7.5 on my scale, very smart, ambitious, down-to-earth, and generally a good gal to have around. She never questions my doings, she isnt possesive, clingy, or too much of a flake. She does have her issues, however, and I have almost broke things off because of them. The reason why I have been so patient with her is that--A) I know I havent been perfect, B) I think she is worth keeping around, and C) she shows willingness to change and follows it up with action.

So what I'm getting at is this: I want to get with other girls. I want to have a blast in these prime years of my life. I have wasted so many years of my life in fear, shame, guilt, and inaction. Yeah, so Im a bit of a late bloomer (Im 25), but I cant change what Ive done or havent done. I dont want to look back at these prime years (my twenties) and say that I missed out on so much fun and a$$ because I was an LTR-fool. I know I can get it--when my confidence is up I do things I only dreamt of in the past. If I put my mind to it I know I can be the DJ Ive always dreamed of being.

So, all that being said, I have a choice to make.

Do I stay with my girl and get with other girls anyway--taking numerous risks, of course...or is it better to break it off and then go about my business?

My roommate says the former- "cheat your balls off"- in his words.

I want to keep her around, not only because we like each other but because I think she is a good find. My problem is that I made the irreversible mistake of have the exclusivity talk with her a few months ago. Part of me says "Dude, dont be a douchebag. Stay faithful to her", while the other part says "F*ck you! Im not married, nor do I intend on making that commitment for YEARS to come. Why should I limit myself?"

I know that if she found out it would be over, and rightfully so. I would do the same if she cheated on me. I thought "maybe I could just hook-up with chicks but not have sex", but I dont see that lasting forever. Especially not in college. A good steady girl can be an awesome addtion to a man's life, so I have my reservations about just dumping her to pursue other a$$.

Im just looking for some insight on this one. My gut feeling is that her and I both know the relationship isnt in "serious" status, and eventually we will be moving away from each other (I dont know how far) to go to medical school. So neither of us will be making any serious commitments to each other any time soon. But that damn exclusivity agreement...how I wish I could take that back.

Anyways, thanks for reading my long-winded post. I look forward to mature responses.


Colossus

 

[MacAvoy]

I feel your pain. This is the second time I've seen this theme today. The grass is always greener on the other side. That being said, I'll offer my 2 cents.

First off, I'm going to avoid the morality issue as a bunch of others will jump all over it. However, my beliefs are that natural alpha naturally cheat there azzes off as your buddy recommends. I believe its part of what makes them a natural. The other thing everyone is gonna say is its bad karma. What goes around comes around. That being said, I think getting caught is also managable.

However, college environment is alot harder. The social circles tend to be closer nit and running around is alot more risky. Your likely to get a bad rap.

Maybe the best route would be honesty. Tell her that you like her, don't want to hurt her, run around on her, but that you are young and in college and want to have fun. There's probably a better way to convey the message so that you maintain her IL and keep her wanting you but I'm too tired to think of anything right now.

 

[WestCoaster]

Always be honest. The reason guys cheat isn't because they're Alpha, it's because they're AFC. They're scared (boo hoo!) of confrontation and getting their feelings hurt (boo hoo!) ... essentially they're not man enough. They need to sack up and tell the gal they want to play the field ... there are plenty of college gals who also play the field and are doing the same thing. Just sack up and dump the gal if you want to play the field.

If you don't want to break up with her, stay with her for awhile. If you're desire and need is to play the field like crazy in your 20's (my recommendation), break up.

Cheating is for AFC's who are so wimpy they can't confront people.

I have a name for people like this in the future: employees who will work for me.

Guys with spines? I have names for them in the future, too: managers, bosses, and CEOs.

 

[STR8UP]

I can't completely agree with you on this one WestCoaster.

Cheating IS a sign of weakness in a woman, because usually when she does it she is SAYING one thing and DOING another. She basically thinks it's WRONG to do, but somehow she will manage to justify her behavior so she doesn't have to live with the guilt.

For a man it's usually a different story. Lots of guys would be PROUD of bagging something on the side. We aren't constrained by the same BS that women are so when we cheat we aren't necessarily saying one thing and doing another. If we cheat, we at least take it for what it is and ADMIT to ourselves what we are really doing and not making up sh!t in our heads to feel better about it.

You aren't being weak if you are conscious of what you are doing and not making up 1000 reasons to avoid guilt.

At the same time I'm not going to condone that cheating is an "alpha' behavior OR bad karma, but I will tell you that I wouldn't want to have to go through the deception and sh!t that's associated with screwing around. ESPECIALLY if you are planning on making a habit of it. Too much drama for my taste.

 

[kinesis]

What's up Colossus! You know what you want to do, how you go about doing it is up to you... I'm sure you'll learn a valuable lesson whichever route you choose. I'd offer advice, but I should probably work on getting laid first!

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by STR8UP
Cheating IS a sign of weakness in a woman, because usually when she does it she is SAYING one thing and DOING another. She basically thinks it's WRONG to do, but somehow she will manage to justify her behavior so she doesn't have to live with the guilt.

For a man it's usually a different story....If we cheat, we at least take it for what it is and ADMIT to ourselves what we are really doing and not making up sh!t in our heads to feel better about it.

You aren't being weak if you are conscious of what you are doing and not making up 1000 reasons to avoid guilt.

So...if a woman is conscious of what she's doing then it's okay??? What kind of ass-backwards logic is that??? Cheaters are liars and liars are whimps. WestCoaster is right, you want to sample other girls? Break up with the one you have now.

Women TALK! Eventually it's going to get back to her and then it's the tearful dramatic break up scene. With you trying to come up with some half-ass lame excuse that you didn't want to hurt her by breaking up. "It wasn't my fault! My penis made me do it!"

If you want to sarge other women, then break up with her. What's the worst that could happen? She won't sleep with you any more? SO WHAT???? You want to get with other women anyway.

 

[Colossus]

I think what Westcoaster was trying to say is that cheating is a compromise of my integrity. Rationalization or not, if I screw around on her without her knowing that would be weakness. Just because I can do something doesnt mean I should.

Sometimes I get ahead of myself when Im p!ssed or frustrated with the situation and I just want go out and do it, but in reality that says nothing for my character.

 

[Vulpine]

Colossus, you're in college. I'm shocked that you are in an LTR. Once you leave college, it's a new world. In coping with this new life, things will probably change for you and your gf, and you may find yourselves heading in different directions. Most likely, your relationship will not survive after college, and you'll be furious with yourself for not fully exploiting your college years. Like others have said, you'll need to terminate the current relationship in order to best play the field. When I say "terminate", I mean that you'll need to retract the exclusivity agreement. There are levels of involvement that you may want to keep. Friends, f-buddy, LTR but not exclusive, or no involvement are the options you can consider for yourself. Good luck with whichever you choose.

 

[Warlord]

Originally posted by WestCoaster
Always be honest. The reason guys cheat isn't because they're Alpha, it's because they're AFC. They're scared (boo hoo!) of confrontation and getting their feelings hurt (boo hoo!) ... essentially they're not man enough. They need to sack up and tell the gal they want to play the field ... there are plenty of college gals who also play the field and are doing the same thing. Just sack up and dump the gal if you want to play the field.

If you don't want to break up with her, stay with her for awhile. If you're desire and need is to play the field like crazy in your 20's (my recommendation), break up.

Cheating is for AFC's who are so wimpy they can't confront people.

I have a name for people like this in the future: employees who will work for me.

Guys with spines? I have names for them in the future, too: managers, bosses, and CEOs.

I agree and disagree. Cheating is seen from society as weak character of the cheater and AFCish in the DJ community as I'm assuming from you. I disagree with this, as human emotions is a very complex mathematical formula that has no discrete solutions such as , drive left or drive right. However, I do see people who cheat without breaking up and just hanging in a relationship because it's "convenient" as being spineless. That I agree with you there if what I just said works with your argument.

 

[Warlord]

Originally posted by MacAvoy
I feel your pain. This is the second time I've seen this theme today. The grass is always greener on the other side. That being said, I'll offer my 2 cents.

First off, I'm going to avoid the morality issue as a bunch of others will jump all over it. However, my beliefs are that natural alpha naturally cheat there azzes off as your buddy recommends. I believe its part of what makes them a natural. The other thing everyone is gonna say is its bad karma. What goes around comes around. That being said, I think getting caught is also managable.

However, college environment is alot harder. The social circles tend to be closer nit and running around is alot more risky. Your likely to get a bad rap.

Maybe the best route would be honesty. Tell her that you like her, don't want to hurt her, run around on her, but that you are young and in college and want to have fun. There's probably a better way to convey the message so that you maintain her IL and keep her wanting you but I'm too tired to think of anything right now.

When I cheated within a social circle that my ex was friends with, and this other girl I was attracted to was also in this social circle. I had to play a delicate game. if I dumped her on holidays or special occasions, that's an immediate black flag on my book and will send a message to the other girl that I will hurt her in the future. So i waited and dumped her a couple weeks after any special occasions, during this time I built rapport with people within both the girl/ex gf social circle as to put me in "good person" status rather than 'someone who is out to get random booty." - I didn't "cheat" per say, I just made phone calls, talked with her... kinda like emotionally cheating on my exgf. My exgf knew that I was into this other girl and she was into me. After breaking up, I waited about 1-2 weeks then started "hanging" out with this girl. And we've been dating and the social circle seems fine except when my ex plans to show up then it gets a little weird. Sh1t happens, but you must also know that happiness happens and is more important.