Mom sabotaging her own romantic life.

[Pandora]

I made a post about my mom divorcing. She reconnected with " the love of her life". She is now coming up with every reason not to be with this guy. This man is a very good person, he is a millionaire, very kind and his family accepts her. This is a rare man indeed. Me and my sister are shocked at my moms excuses.

I made this post to illustrate something that I noticed almost 10 yrs ago. It is usually not personal. The reasons why many women reject you often has nothing to do with your objective worth. I have seen this story time and time again. People ( especially women) are often balls of trauma, anxiety and conflicting emotions. Unhealed women will make the most random self sabotaging choices in their dating lives. Until a person heals they will run on autopilot repeating the same self destructive behaviors.

Only after the man moves on and gets a new woman will the original woman be forced to self reflect. People are complex. Never take a break up or rejection personally ( sometimes it is your fault though).

I believe that life is ultimately fair. We eventually get what we deserve. If we do not have the dating life that we want it is because we make unconscious self destructive decisions. This applies to men and woman.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I believe that life is ultimately fair.

I believe fairness is an ideal and the striving towards fairness is noble because like most ideals, fairness is rarely attained.

We eventually get what we deserve.

Are you kidding me?

If we do not have the dating life that we want it is because we make unconscious self destructive decisions.

Sure, but why are we unconsciously destructive if it wasn't for childhood trauma? The only way we can repair our own relationships is delving into our trauma and pulling it up to the surface so we can deal with it and carry on unencumbered by our past.

 

[Pandora]

I believe fairness is an ideal and the striving towards fairness is noble because like most ideals, fairness is rarely attained.


Are you kidding me?

Nope I am not kidding you. When it comes to dating you get what you deserve eventually. The men who don't get women at all deserve it. I mean the men that don't even get decent women internationally. There is usually something very wrong about them that they are not fixing.

This applies to me too. I get what I deserve in dating also. I spent my 20s and early 30s womanizing. Had I not done that I would have had a family by now. I also still need to fix my financial and spiritual situation etc. I was a sluut so I dealt with lower quality women that were sluuts too. I got what I deserved.

The women that are always single get what they deserve. They have bad attitudes etc. People generally get what they deserve. The Universe eventually balances itself out.

Sure, but why are we unconsciously destructive if it wasn't for childhood trauma? The only way we can repair our own relationships is delving into our trauma and pulling it up to the surface so we can deal with it and carry on unencumbered by our past.

I 100% agree here. I did not say how to delve into trauma or what caused it. I totally agree that it is early childhood trauma. I also agree that confronting it is key. We must pull it to the surface and look at it. Once you look underneath the bed the monsters go away.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Nope I am not kidding you. When it comes to dating you get what you deserve eventually. The men who don't get women at all deserve it. I mean the men that don't even get decent women internationally. There is usually something very wrong about them that they are not fixing.

I agree that efforts will be rewarded when it comes to dating. However, 'fairness' would suggest we all have the same basis from which we operate. Someone can be born poor and in a place without prospects or education. Do they deserve their lot in life? You can work your ass of in Senegal and still don't get anywhere near the standard of living in Western Europe.

It's easy to think we 'get what we deserve', but if you look objectively at life in general, you will realise that some people have a way easier life than others, and they don't 'deserve' that better life. It's mere 'happenstance'. If life was fair, why is there so much injustice in this world?

No, I chose to live without the comfortable blinders that ignore how messed up our world has become.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I 100% agree here. I did not say how to delve into trauma or what caused it. I totally agree that it is early childhood trauma. I also agree that confronting it is key. We must pull it to the surface and look at it. Once you look underneath the bed the monsters go away.

Not always, but sometimes you can learn to live with the monsters.

 

[Pandora]

I agree that efforts will be rewarded when it comes to dating. However, 'fairness' would suggest we all have the same basis from which we operate. Someone can be born poor and in a place without prospects or education. Do they deserve their lot in life? You can work your ass of in Senegal and still don't get anywhere near the standard of living in Western Europe.

It's easy to think we 'get what we deserve', but if you look objectively at life in general, you will realise that some people have a way easier life than others, and they don't 'deserve' that better life. It's mere 'happenstance'. If life was fair, why is there so much injustice in this world?

No, I chose to live without the comfortable blinders that ignore how messed up our world has become.

Yeh i agree. I meant in a general sense in dating. Generally in dating you reap what you sow. I agree some people have in life have an easier deck of cards than others.

 

[Learning Curve]

I made a post about my mom divorcing. She reconnected with " the love of her life". She is now coming up with every reason not to be with this guy. This man is a very good person, he is a millionaire, very kind and his family accepts her. This is a rare man indeed. Me and my sister are shocked at my moms excuses.

Your mom is simply not into the guy.

Millionaire or not it does not matter.

Personality matters, money comes after and enchances your picture as a man.

If you have money but zero personality or you are a guy accepting every wish of a woman becoming a doormat then you are unnatractive.

Many variables play a role, don't try to go against your mom decisions. If she does not want to be with the guy it's because she has low interest.

In many cases people do sabotage their relationships but in my experience, when a woman is in love or truly wants a guy, the signs are always there.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I agree some people have in life have an easier deck of cards than others.

Someone once told me that we all have to play with the hand we get dealt in life, but that doesn't mean you have to play fair and let the unscrupulous look in your cards.

 

[The Duke]

I made a post about my mom divorcing. She reconnected with " the love of her life". She is now coming up with every reason not to be with this guy. This man is a very good person, he is a millionaire, very kind and his family accepts her. This is a rare man indeed. Me and my sister are shocked at my moms excuses.

I made this post to illustrate something that I noticed almost 10 yrs ago. It is usually not personal. The reasons why many women reject you often has nothing to do with your objective worth. I have seen this story time and time again. People ( especially women) are often balls of trauma, anxiety and conflicting emotions. Unhealed women will make the most random self sabotaging choices in their dating lives. Until a person heals they will run on autopilot repeating the same self destructive behaviors.

Only after the man moves on and gets a new woman will the original woman be forced to self reflect. People are complex. Never take a break up or rejection personally ( sometimes it is your fault though).

I believe that life is ultimately fair. We eventually get what we deserve. If we do not have the dating life that we want it is because we make unconscious self destructive decisions. This applies to men and woman.

Do you think it has to do with her attachment style? Sounds avoidant.

I've dated a few girls that did what you are describing. Once they started to get close, they stopped themselves and began making up weird excuses on why we shouldn't be together. Eventually I learned about attachment styles and realized what I was up against. They feared getting closer and what might go wrong. Usually brought on by unresolved past relationship trauma.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I remember this OP.

It is the Alpha Widow dude, right?

I'm pointing this to @Learning Curve. Her mom was clearly very interested/invested into this guy.

And sorry, this is your mom we are talking about OP, and I very respect her as your mother, and provider of care for your family.

But in regards to male/female relationship, broken women can't be fixed.

Your little story just goes to prove that.

Woman, married, had kids, tried with hubby, dindt work out, divorced, went back to former young love (kept in the back burner, for the longest run)

... and still can't make it.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I believe that life is ultimately fair. We eventually get what we deserve. If we do not have the dating life that we want it is because we make unconscious self destructive decisions. This applies to men and woman.

While there are some exceptions to this rule, I believe it's generally true. I also find it odd that a millionaire would want to date your mom (who must be in her 60's or 70's seeing how you're 39). There has got to be more to this story.

 

[Pandora]

While there are some exceptions to this rule, I believe it's generally true. I also find it odd that a millionaire would want to date your mom (who must be in her 60's or 70's seeing how you're 39). There has got to be more to this story.

They were engaged to be married in thier 20s and 30s. He fought against his tradition to be with her but ultimately religion won. Apparently he never stopped wanting her. He sent her money once when I was an infanr to take care of me when my dad was acting wild.

Old school guys are naturally more simpish and romantic. I can understand.

If it was me I would be on a beach with 2 Thai models in my 70s but hey....

 

[Pandora]

Your mom is simply not into the guy.

Millionaire or not it does not matter.

Personality matters, money comes after and enchances your picture as a man.

If you have money but zero personality or you are a guy accepting every wish of a woman becoming a doormat then you are unnatractive.

Many variables play a role, don't try to go against your mom decisions. If she does not want to be with the guy it's because she has low interest.

In many cases people do sabotage their relationships but in my experience, when a woman is in love or truly wants a guy, the signs are always there.

You may be right. Its just bizarre to see the cognitive dissonance up close and personal. My whole life she has been implying to me and sister that this guy was the guy that " got away". Well he is back and she is like meh.

She still wants my physically abusive toxic father. If I saw this in other women I would think nothing of it. Typical Redpill stuff. Seeing it in your mother is a shock to my system ( but she is still a woman).

Their words mean nothing. For decades she would talk about this guy. Maybe she idealized the 30 yr old version of him. Not the 78 yr old version of him.

I told my mom you cant be picky at this age but do they ever listen. No. Im done.

 

[Pandora]

Do you think it has to do with her attachment style? Sounds avoidant.

I've dated a few girls that did what you are describing. Once they started to get close, they stopped themselves and began making up weird excuses on why we shouldn't be together. Eventually I learned about attachment styles and realized what I was up against. They feared getting closer and what might go wrong. Usually brought on by unresolved past relationship trauma.

Yes the good ole avoidant attachment style. This is the most confusing toxic attachment style there is. I spent too many hours in my 20s trying to figure these women out.

I think you are spot on. She is fresh out of a horrible divorce and marriage of 40 yrs. She is probably afraid of what can go wrong with this guy.

Funny thing is she has been longing for homie for 40yrs now she gets him and shes running away. Bruh.....

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I'm guessing she doesn't feel worthy of him and thinks he will get tired of her and leave her again and it would crush her if it happens a second time so she would rather shut down and not allow it to happen.

 

[Pandora]

I'm guessing she doesn't feel worthy of him and thinks he will get tired of her and leave her again and it would crush her if it happens a second time so she would rather shut down and not allow it to happen.

Yup this is prob the case.

 

[Learning Curve]

Well he is back and she is like meh.

Exactly. "Meh" meaning not interested.

She still wants my physically abusive toxic father. If I saw this in other women I would think nothing of it. Typical Redpill stuff. Seeing it in your mother is a shock to my system ( but she is still a woman).

To the point. She is still a woman. So she will naturally behave the same way.

She wants your abusive toxic father because he has displayed traits that she likes, yet she knows deep inside her that she should completely remove him from her life because he is Toxic.

I can't tell you how many cases i know of abusive and toxic people that get chased by their partners it's like a drug and it's addictive. Yet those people the only reason they want to get back together with abusive and toxic personalities is because they are insecure.

Your mom without being offensive, part of it it's insecurity. She should move on.

I told my mom you cant be picky at this age but do they ever listen. No. Im done.

You can't change people. All you can do is observe and give your advise to people you want to give it too that you feel it's worth a shot.

People who don't want to move on from dysfunctional relationships it's purely because of insecurities. Low self-esteem, and lack of confidence.

This has to do also with how they are living their daily lifes, if they hate their jobs and they are broke well there you have your first picture of how their life is.

Everything comes together.