Mission Impossible: Getting back the Ex!

[TTAG]

From all the good, no great, advice I have read on this website it seems that getting back with the ex, is well, almost impossible. I think not. I haven't achieved this yet, though plan on this being my first post on a journal to achieve this.

Why am I doing it?
I guess after 2 years from breaking up, and about 20 girls later (9 of which i have slept with), I still have a chronic case of ONE-ITIS. This is both a challenge, as you will see, and almost a casual hobby. Obviously it will not take over my life, but will be a little game I can play on the side. Also, maybe a way of getting some revenge too for my emotional pain, rumours on campus and the AVO!

Who's the Ex?
We will call her Victoria. We were together 2 years, and lived together for one of those. I would say a HB9+ in looks, very well educated, good personality and nice family (a well off one too!). Negatives? I guess you could say she was a little insecure with herself and, I have to admit, a narcissist.

What happened?
I became an AFC about 18 months into the relationship and relinquished all power and authority to her. After many fights and moving out, I broke up with her. The thing was I just had a hot head because of some other trouble I had in my life at that time.

When I went to get back with her, maybe a week later, she told me 'things change' and that she wasnt in love with me any more. We spoke about it, and she really couldn't give me a reason for not committing again. Now I understand that my mistake was giving her the power.

Anyway, she got a boyfriend, and I became a little upset. This landed me an AVO, a bad reputation and hate/spite from her and her family.

How am I gonna do this?
Well considering we live in different cities 1 hour apart, it will be tough. However I still have 6-8 months left in my degree, and my university is in her home city (she attends also, but maybe graduating now).

I dont plan on doing anything to go out of my way, but occassionally i do see her on campass. A bit of C+F will be in order (due to her insecurities she will eat this up), as well as using my high social status at the university to put me on a pedestal once again.

There is also a mutual friend that I keep in contact with that can help me.

When am i going to start?
Like I said im not going out of my way to do this, but I will keep an eye out for her on campus as of now.


Options?
There are at least 3 seperate ways I can do achieve my objective;

1- I can start with a phone call or SMS. Get in contact with her immediately but very AFC and weak in ability to continue things.
She wont want to meet up, so Im not doing this.

2- I can write a letter or email. Get her attention and see if she responds? I highly doubt she will.

3- Be the 'playa' I can be. Basically get around uni, when i see her, use NEG-HITS and C+F to create some demand and awareness. Spend time with our mutual friend who likes to talk and will no doubt mention my 'new and improved life' and what im up to, creating awareness and raising the IL. The mutual friend will undoubtedly also talk about Victoria, even when unasked, giving me some background info. Take it from here and use the DJ techniques.

Result?
Personally, i feel i can pull this off. Though I know it will be hard, especially with past AFC attempts failing miserably when we first broke up. I will occasionally post any relevant events, they might be rare, so if you wanna hear about it use the Email Notification function.

Responses, both positive and negative (which I know there will be many) are more than welcome.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Most times that this comes up, you can tell the guy doesn't have a chance and is nowhere near being ready.

You sound like you have a chance. This is rare.

What stands out is that it sounds like you have enough interest and enough detachment. You also have a plan and judgment enough to ditch the low-value plans in favor of the higher-value ones.

I think that's a line to follow that really works: any new relationship won't be a repeat of the past, you are now playing for a more substantial and real relationship---question is, can she keep up? It's an open question, and by you being able to take or leave it, the power of decision remains in your hands.

I could suggest that you date others and let her find out you are dating others---LJBF her during this time, too.

Post back. Good luck.

 

[DonJohn83]

Brings back memories of winning back my ex-oneitis.

What worked for me (before i fvcked it again) was to ALWAYS be seen in a good, positive mood. And let her see that chicks are still after you. All this whilst remaining relatively aloof around her. Makes her think that you're doin just fine and you're still the catch.

May the force be with you bro. Let us know.

 

[DYDevotee]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, Nice plan.




seriously

 

[squirrels]

Whenever someone talks about returning to a relationship that didn't work out, I usually like to ask two questions:

1) What was it that caused the relationship to fail?

2) Has that condition changed?

In your case, it sounds like YOU are the one that caused the relationship to fail, and in this case, you may have changed for the better. But unless she recognizes this, then you two will not be able to get back together.

If I were you, I wouldn't start calling and/or texting again...just if you happen to "run into her" on campus while you're busy loving life, you should try to include her in that by saying hello, maybe chatting a little bit. SHOW HER you've changed, don't rely on other people and don't rely on machines. She has to SEE you as a new person.

Oh by the way...is she worth it?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

SAy no to hoes!

 

[Wyldfire]

But she did give you a reason...she told you she doesn't love you anymore.

It's a waste of time and energy for you to try to get her back. There are only very rare instances where people can get back together and have it work...and your situation isn't one of them.

Move on and quit kidding yourself. There are plenty of other women out there and you should not waste one second on where you've already been.

 

[Leykis]

The dynamic of the relationship you had with her is not something that will change. You may have changed, which may or may not sway her back, but the real question you should be facing is do you want her back? Let me tell you why.

If you do get her back, it will erase all of the work you have done to improve yourself since your AFC days. I know it does not seem that way, it seems as if you are a changed person who is strong in relationships and all of the power you gave away to her is held on your side. It will even seem this way initally when you get back with her. The problem is that the dynamic of the relationship was set (and I mean set in concrete) in the past. The relationship will once again degrade to the same end.

You say, "But Leykis, even if that happens I am a strong DJ now, I will say NEXT and be done with it."

I say you cant even say NEXT now. You still want her back. So who is in charge. She is. NO MATTER HOW DESPERATE SHE SEEMS TO HAVE YOU BACK. As soon as she gets you back all of your allure is gone. Wiped out. Your right back where you started. Actually your in a far more precarious position than you were before. You will be moving backwards not fowards with your life. Getting her back would actually be a great EGO stroke for her. After all this time and all those girls she will think "But see, he still wants me!" That is anti "revenge". It is complete capitulation and it will hurt you. All of this to find out that the relationship will stll not work.

In my humble opinion you need to actually accept that she is not right for you. Know it. If she was right for you, you would not have broken up way back when. I dont say this as if it is easy, its not, but getting back with her will prove to be a much more difficult (and negative) experience for you. Spend you energy, and save your sanity finding someone else. You want "revenge"?The only true revenge comes when you have truly moved on. You will know this has happend when you no longer care. When the only feeling that you have for her is hope. A hope that says, "I hope she also found the right person for her as I have for me." If you can say that an mean it, your one-itis is officially cured.

I dont mean to come off as harsh, but I learned this the hard way. Perhaps it is the only way to really learn this lesson. If you need to convince your self that you are really done with her, there is no better way than getting back together with her. Hell, it could be the only way to really get it.

Good Luck!

 

[NewMan]

I think it more of a question of WHY he wants to get back with her.....

Why did they break up in the first place?

If he just wants to get revenge, then it is worthless - but I think thats not the reason - he obviously not over her.

Now, if HE was the reason the relationship ended - perhaps he was not ready for an LTR at the time - perhaps he wanted to see what else is out there - those kinds of things - then I think it is a worthwhile effort - if and only if he knows that he really wants to be with her.

2 years have passed - so I think there could be some growth on both sides - but you both need to approach this with a clean slate - and leave the past behind.

Tough love.

Good luck.

 

[DEKKA]

the way i see it... if hes changed then he has nothing to lose by going for it. shes already gone and she cant get anymore gone. the KEY is really having that detachment deep down and not really caring what the outcome is.

you said, "i still have a chronic case of ONE-ITIS".

now if you were over her completely, and had changed your AFC ways for good and learned to keep your power in a relationship, then you doing this for a "challenge" might be a good learning experience as well as a good challenge..... and it just might have a slight chance of working.

but

if you still have any attachment to the situation and are doing this for the wrong reasons then you're just like every other chump who wants to get back with his ex.... and you are better off not wasting your time, pride, and DJ moneyness on her... after all you (probably) have women lined up that are just as good right?... right???

but if you are truely over her... and dating about 3 other women at this very time... and still want to go for it anyway... i suggest you do the following.

find some ways to indirectly show that you are a new man.
-be totally happy and upbeat around her like nothing ever happened between you two. dont let her see you frown.
-use jealousy to your favor in whatever subtle ways you can think of.
-take control of this b1tch. walk back into her life and take her. dont walk back with a timid look and a "will you take me back?" attitude. TAKE HER BACK.
-show that you've made improvements in your life indirectly. let her find out that you've been working out, volunteering to tutor little kids, on a healthy diet, dating women she knows, etc.
-DONT FVCK UP LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME>

thats about it and have fun. if you're doing this for the wrong reasons deep down you know it and you should stop... if not saddle up and put your balls to the wall. -J

 

[DYDevotee]

If two years have passed, that might be another problem in itself, people change, she may not be who he's in love with anymore, but his memory of the girl he did love once.

 

[DEKKA]

i just have a hard time understanding why he's even thinking about this chick after "having 20 girls and sleeping with 9 of them"... if thats indeed the case. maybe he lives in a small town and hes gotta start back at the beginning of his stables hahaha

 

[TTAG]

Wow! I never thought i'd get this many responses.

ill start at the top and try to explain things a little better. I still dont know why i cant get over her, but these posts help put things in perspective.

TesuqueRed
Nice words of advice man, thanks for the encouragement too.

DonJohn83
What worked for me (before i fvcked it again) was to ALWAYS be seen in a good, positive mood. And let her see that chicks are still after you. All this whilst remaining relatively aloof around her. Makes her think that you're doin just fine and you're still the catch.

My plans exactly! We still on in a few weeks yeah? after exams.

DYDevotee
Like i said, just a little game on the side for me.

squirrels
1) What was it that caused the relationship to fail?
2) Has that condition changed?
3) Oh by the way...is she worth it?

1) Me becoming the biggest AFC in the world.
2) Definitely, by quite a bit.
3) If im doing this, she must be.

PuertoRican_Lover

thats one of the best lines I've ever heard, would be a nice print on a T-shirt. hahaha.

Wyldfire

But she did give you a reason...she told you she doesn't love you anymore.

It's a waste of time and energy for you to try to get her back. There are only very rare instances where people can get back together and have it work...and your situation isn't one of them.

Move on and quit kidding yourself. There are plenty of other women out there and you should not waste one second on where you've already been.

I know why things changed. Have you ever had a girl go AFC on you?

for the effort im putting in, i see it as some fun that i can have on campus.

Im trying to move on, I tried other women alot too, and 2 years have passed. In a this sense im screwed! thats why i here trying to figure it out? or maybe i should be seein a counsellor? hehe

 

[TTAG]

Leykis

Good words to hear man. Ive tried moving on, maybe not hard enough obviously.
You anticipated exactly what I would say, I would never let her have control in the relationship tho. in terms of priorities she would be very low, where as before she was no.1.
I know the mistakes i have made, I feel that i have learned from them too. Im not going to make them again.

I dont mean to come off as harsh, but I learned this the hard way. Perhaps it is the only way to really learn this lesson. If you need to convince your self that you are really done with her, there is no better way than getting back together with her. Hell, it could be the only way to really get it.

I dont know how to convince myself?

NewMan

Revenge, is far from the main aim. i do still feel a little bitter from the whole episode tho.
I still feel like I want to be with her. The sex was good, but it wasnt the first thing, on some levels we really connected. and had the same interests. to me it seemed all genuine anyway.

thanks.

DEKKA

I guess to be honest, i am doing this for a challenge. but also because i still feel for her. I dont see a future between us, but i just have this desire to see what would or could happen.

DONT FVCK UP LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME

thats the plan.

DYDevotee

people change, she may not be who he's in love with anymore, but his memory of the girl he did love once.

Well thats one possibility and its the way i probably thought that it could happen best. One of the best outcomes of the whole thing, that i realise I dont love her anymore.

DEKKA
i just have a hard time understanding why he's even thinking about this chick after "having 20 girls and sleeping with 9 of them"... if thats indeed the case. maybe he lives in a small town and hes gotta start back at the beginning of his stables hahaha

hahaha very funny, but not quite the case. trust me, im still having a very hard time understanding why im not over her.

 

[TTAG]

oh yeah...

thanks for all the replies and advice fellas. Much appreciated.

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: oh yeah...

Originally posted by TTAG
thanks for all the replies and advice fellas. Much appreciated.

I'm not a "guy", I just play one online.

Chances are you aren't even "in love" with this girl. In fact, you are probably just hung up on what she represents to you or some unrealistic image of perfection you put up on a pedestal. Do you want to know what's going to happen if, by some miracle, you do get back with her? You're going to be disappointed. Why? Because all you have learned is going to make it that much easier for you to see through the fog of illusion that you couldn't see through before.

I'd about bet that the main reason you want a second go at the relationship is just to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to create the illusion you dreamed of before. Here's the reality...if you are here to use the skills and knowledge you learn from this site to move backwards and try to change history you are missing the entire point. It's NOT worth it, it's a waste of time and you're going to end up missing out on your future if you keep clinging to the past.

Move on...

 

[So pimp its scary]

I think that your plan is good, but I would like to ask you : Why do you want her back? What traits about her are the same things that you look for in an LTR? What are the negative traits that she has that you can just look past because her good traits just outshine them.

If you can't answer these questions... or you don't like the answers of these questions, I would recommend that you move on. You will just cause yourself heartache...

However, if you know what you are going for (good AND bad), and this woman is almost exactly that... and you think that she will take you back, then go ahead and try. But winning back the ex is a huge challenge, and you might be doing it for all the wrong reasons... Think about this.

BTW, I have tried to get back the ex, then last time I met her... I looked at her, and thought about all the other girls that I've been hitting on since, and she just doesn't compare anymore. I've litterally fallen out of my attraction for her.

 

[wolfie]

You fvcked only 9 other women? The rule for oneitis is go fvck TEN other women. Then you will magically be cured!

 

[TTAG]

the ex's mum

well for anyone interested in this post, I bumped into my ex's mum on campus just recently. she was really nice and left her friends to approach me and chat. we did some small talk and continued on our seperate ways.

ok, so after nearly 2-3 months of posting the original message, i have to admit that i have improved alot in regards to one-itis.

however im still interested in the challenge. So i havent seen her on campus or bumped into her.

Im considering sending a text message soon, it will be the 2nd year after our break up. so i was thinking something like......happy break-up anniversary! and seeing what the reply would be.

what are your thoughts DJ's?

 

[ManOMan]

The only reason I would try to get back with an ex would mostly be feed my own ego. Usually when I lose a girl, I feel intense rejection and my ego is shot.

But I try to keep my ego in check and just move on.

But, I have friends who have tried 2+ years to get their ex's back, and YES with persistence and showing her "you have changed" they managed to win her back, but the result is this: Once they got her back, they didnt want her anymore, or they just went back to their old ways

So you really got sit down and ask yourself, do you REALLY want her back because of love or ego?