Alright before I even explain my problem let me tell you my story and perhaps all you of like mind can figure out the problem for yourselves, and tell me what I already know or what I've been afraid of admitting to myself. As I write these words I just got done smoking a bowl and things are kinda relaxed, the truth comes out....
When I was young my first memories were of a trailer park. Just imagine, something as special as a first memory, and it's of a trailer park. Anyway, thats what it was - I had a few friends in neighborign trailers. Anyway after moving on from that there are huge chucks I can't remember, but then my next memories were of living in a medium sized apartment that my dad built above a garage while he was building our real house on a foru acre plot with a stream running through it. I remember now that we must have bought a piece of land with no house on it and basically thought they'd camp untill they moved up and built up a new home. I remember living in a tent, then a shed, then that apartment I told you about.
My mom used to fight a lot or so my younger sister tells me(think i repressed that). My parents we both hippies, far right-wing in politics, and very conservative.
They homeschooled me and my sister all the way until we moved from california to missouri at 5th grade. at 5th grade i went to public school and going to church on Saturday... you see our family was in a cult and they were very involved. they hated blacks, they hated jews, they basically thought they were "da sh!t" and everyone else should follow suit. I remember being taught load of stuff I now know to be bullsh!t. This is what I grew up in. In 7th grade I was then again homeschooled for what reason I will never know or to why I consented. During this time I met my current best friend during summer littgle league games. Probably the reason we hit it off so well is because our families were both into extremem religion. Later after years in one church I joined the church with my best friends dad(the leader), and for 8 years went to the little get togethers every saturday in the upstairs living room of their house. I skipped school(still got straight A's), quit jobs, and pissed people off because I'd quit on them if they didn't give me my days off to attend "church".
I never really had to many girlfriends and was always pretty scared of being around the opposite sex. I can remember a few here and there in my childhood and maybe once in high school. I missed probably 4 opportunities to score because of the cult I was in and my shyness.
A year ago I moved to california and started to go back to school. It was then that, while playing tennis, I met an older guy that played really good tennis too so we played every now and again and one day the topic of weed got brought up. Then after weed he asked me if i ever tried crank. Well i didn't know what it was and I went over to his house and he put out a big fat line and i did it all in one side. I was king of the world and stayed up 4 days straight. then during that time all the emotions came out and i called the girl about my age that was in the church i attended and told her i quit the church basically(i was high the whole time).
since then i never tried crank again(nor ever will i) I smoke a bowl or too with my brother-in-law or by myself if i got noone over ever few weeks.
When I first got into public school I made a lot of friends very fast, I was the class clown and wasn't afriad to do anything. I was the boldest and funniest kid... up until 7th grade when I took a year of homeschooling and got into my second cult. when i came back for 8th i was a changed person, i was serious, shy, and never made the attempts to get a laugh that i did before. my friends slowly stopped talking to me as much and the rest of my highschool the people i hung out with were either the seniors or the smartkids from my grade. I played every sport but only 1 year each.
I've had a total of maybe 6 girlfriends in my life, never had sex, masturbate like a machine, play online RPG games 40 hours a week(at the cost of 12.95/month) while living with my grandparents and going to school to be a firefighter. I do own my own newer model car and have had a few odd jobs since ive been here.
I just feel like the life was stripped out of me and I was changed into an unhappy person during that 7th grade year. Im confused, intelligent, and it seems like im understanding why people work. It's hard to admit your own faults cuz everyone thinks they are perfect, but what about me from anothers perspective. I'm almost afriad to ask...
but what do you guys think about me?
-J
When I was young my first memories were of a trailer park. Just imagine, something as special as a first memory, and it's of a trailer park. Anyway, thats what it was - I had a few friends in neighborign trailers. Anyway after moving on from that there are huge chucks I can't remember, but then my next memories were of living in a medium sized apartment that my dad built above a garage while he was building our real house on a foru acre plot with a stream running through it. I remember now that we must have bought a piece of land with no house on it and basically thought they'd camp untill they moved up and built up a new home. I remember living in a tent, then a shed, then that apartment I told you about.
My mom used to fight a lot or so my younger sister tells me(think i repressed that). My parents we both hippies, far right-wing in politics, and very conservative.
They homeschooled me and my sister all the way until we moved from california to missouri at 5th grade. at 5th grade i went to public school and going to church on Saturday... you see our family was in a cult and they were very involved. they hated blacks, they hated jews, they basically thought they were "da sh!t" and everyone else should follow suit. I remember being taught load of stuff I now know to be bullsh!t. This is what I grew up in. In 7th grade I was then again homeschooled for what reason I will never know or to why I consented. During this time I met my current best friend during summer littgle league games. Probably the reason we hit it off so well is because our families were both into extremem religion. Later after years in one church I joined the church with my best friends dad(the leader), and for 8 years went to the little get togethers every saturday in the upstairs living room of their house. I skipped school(still got straight A's), quit jobs, and pissed people off because I'd quit on them if they didn't give me my days off to attend "church".
I never really had to many girlfriends and was always pretty scared of being around the opposite sex. I can remember a few here and there in my childhood and maybe once in high school. I missed probably 4 opportunities to score because of the cult I was in and my shyness.
A year ago I moved to california and started to go back to school. It was then that, while playing tennis, I met an older guy that played really good tennis too so we played every now and again and one day the topic of weed got brought up. Then after weed he asked me if i ever tried crank. Well i didn't know what it was and I went over to his house and he put out a big fat line and i did it all in one side. I was king of the world and stayed up 4 days straight. then during that time all the emotions came out and i called the girl about my age that was in the church i attended and told her i quit the church basically(i was high the whole time).
since then i never tried crank again(nor ever will i) I smoke a bowl or too with my brother-in-law or by myself if i got noone over ever few weeks.
When I first got into public school I made a lot of friends very fast, I was the class clown and wasn't afriad to do anything. I was the boldest and funniest kid... up until 7th grade when I took a year of homeschooling and got into my second cult. when i came back for 8th i was a changed person, i was serious, shy, and never made the attempts to get a laugh that i did before. my friends slowly stopped talking to me as much and the rest of my highschool the people i hung out with were either the seniors or the smartkids from my grade. I played every sport but only 1 year each.
I've had a total of maybe 6 girlfriends in my life, never had sex, masturbate like a machine, play online RPG games 40 hours a week(at the cost of 12.95/month) while living with my grandparents and going to school to be a firefighter. I do own my own newer model car and have had a few odd jobs since ive been here.
I just feel like the life was stripped out of me and I was changed into an unhappy person during that 7th grade year. Im confused, intelligent, and it seems like im understanding why people work. It's hard to admit your own faults cuz everyone thinks they are perfect, but what about me from anothers perspective. I'm almost afriad to ask...
but what do you guys think about me?
-J
) my parents were telling me that getting involved at a young age is not the way to go; that i should shut up in school and focus on my schoolwork. ok those are my reasons why i turned shy and uncomfortable with my sexuality, but there are no reasons why i should not have reverted back to the outgoing kid i once was.