MIND DUMP - The Evolution of the Male-Female Dynamic

[squirrels]

This post from Aenigma

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155547

got me thinking. In a weird way, a lot of ideas I've had floating in my head for anywhere from a few days to a few years seemed to come together in a coherent picture.

Take it for what it's worth to you.

PART I

The Traditional Relationship - Power-for-Honor

I think it was SaveTheMales or one of those websites that best described the traditional male-female dynamic. The traditional "relationship" was an exchange.

The woman gave up her power to the man. The man's word was the final decision in all things and she trusted his leadership to guide her and her family in the right direction. This leads to the traditional "Man of the House" figure.

In return, the man honored and cherished his woman...almost deified her. He swore to protect her, to fight for her honor, to provide for her, to comfort her, and to weigh her opinion in all things.

This power-for-honor bond has a lot of advantages to it. First of all, it specializes the male and the female roles in the relationship. It eliminates the competing egos of two individuals, giving each person his/her role to follow. The man is the provider, power-broker, and decider, whereas the woman is the goddess, the giver of grace, and the nurturer.

This exchange makes it VERY easy for a man and a woman to form a partnership based on this exchange with little personal compatibility.

The downside to this traditional power-for-honor arrangement, however, is that a bit of the individual is lost in the process. The woman is surrendering her power to decide the direction of her life, while the man becomes bound to the whims of his neo-deity instead of his own desires. In the case of strong personalities, this inevitably leads to conflict within a marriage.

Maybe you were lucky enough to have parents who had a storybook marriage. But as I grew up I discovered that the "happy couples" that made up my aunts and uncles and such weren't always as happy as they let on. A lot of ego-clashes exist.

And not only that, a lot of people end up relinquishing their dreams for the "good of the family". The ideal of marriage and children as the "greatest good" (OMG CHILDREN ARE SO WONDERFUL!!) was driven into their heads and many pair and marry early in life, but find themselves stripped of the means or will to chase any other end in life.

Finally, the power-for-honor bond is subject to abuse. Less scrupulous men can use the power given to them by the woman to coerce her into following HIS guidance, cheating her out of the honor and respect due to her. Or the woman can get a man to worship her so that he gives his power BACK to her, becoming a cuckold, an empty partner and psychological slave to the relationship.

It Started with Feminism

During Western society's move toward "equal rights", women were the first to notice the abuses to the traditional power-for-honor bond. Their reaction was extreme distaste toward men and the tradition of a male-power society. The feminists were the first to promote a woman's individuality and power of choosing her own destiny.

This had a devastating effect on the old power-for-honor structure. With the woman becoming an individual in the eyes of society, on equal power-footing with men, women began to no longer surrender their power to the men in the relationship.

The men learned slowly at first. They had been ingrained by their fathers and grandfathers with their role in the traditional power-for-honor structure...honor and worship the woman and she will give you dominion over her. So men continued to supplicate themselves to the women in relationships, giving them gifts, respecting and tolerating their whims, honoring them above all else.

But while men were still worshipping women, women were learning from THEIR forbears to follow the equal rights doctrine, to exercise "girl power" and not to give up their dreams for ANY man.

So the balance was broken. The women no longer gave up their power to the man, no longer gave dominion to them.


There was Still Sex, Though

Oh, sex was still there. No one can deny his or her biological urges completely. But the dynamic of sex between men and women in the 'Girl Power' age was different.

In the traditional power-for-honor model, sex was the act of the woman "giving herself" to the man, part of her release of power to the male. The man was always the dominant one, the woman always submissive.

In the "Girl Power" world, women still enjoyed sex, but for the first time, were given POWER in the sexual interaction. They began to pursue choice partners...studs, rich men, charmers...men who would enrich the WOMAN'S sexual experience. Men who could make them cvm. Women began to enjoy sex for its OWN sake.

Of course, the disenfranchised men, still offering honor and worship to the women without being rewarded with power, decried the new woman as a "slvt" and "harlot". They couldn't understand how they could give so much, yet not even get a second-glance from the independent woman as she chased after some reckless stud who did nothing more for her than getting her pvssy wet.

Men Catch Up - The Peer-to-Peer Model

Men pay extra-close attention to tradition...the great men before them and how THEY made life work. So it was very hard for men to deviate from the power-for-honor framework of male-female relationships and marriages. But faced with the "independent woman", they had little choice but to evolve.

And evolve they did. They began to no longer honor women as deities, no longer worship them. They stopped seeking the traditional power-for-honor relationship with women and started looking at them as PEERS, instead of as "little women". Exactly what the women wanted.

The natural result of this was a new kind of male-female pairing...the Peer-to-Peer relationship. Here, there was no exchange of honor or power and neither the man nor the woman was pigeon-holed into a specific role. Rather, each was allowed to retain his/her individuality. The relationship was based on a common vision shared between two individuals, two separate egos that shared common ways of thinking or common directions in life.

Sex in the Peer-to-Peer Model - The Sexual Revolution

Under the old power-for-honor model, sex was considered to be the greatest manifestation of this exchange. The woman gave up her power to the man by consenting to sex, while the man honored the woman by desiring her physically.

Under a peer-to-peer model, sex is no longer bound to the confines of a relationship, but enjoyed as a union between two individuals, regardless of the strength or duration of that union. Sex becomes an expression of personal enjoyment, the physical bond between a man and a woman becoming as common, yet as rich, as any other friendship. Sex is no longer a commitment, but the result of two people saying, "I am a man, you are a woman, let's get naked and see where it goes".

Thus began the 21st-century "sexual revolution", the greatest expression of "free love" since the hippie movement in the 1960s. Between condoms, birth control, and instant STD tests and prevention methods, sex was free to be enjoyed on a recreational level. Pairing with various partners was not only "okay" but encouraged. Porn became a staple for most young men. Women had "sex toy parties" the way women in the power-for-honor model used to have Tupperware parties.

The Evolution of the Peer-to-Peer Marriage

Those used to the old power-for-honor model thought at first that this promiscuity would destroy the institution of marriage. The churches especially started launching massive advertising campaigns encouraging people to get married and "save themselves".

Marriage, however, didn't die. The model just changed. The Peer-to-Peer marriage is a different animal entirely.

Instead of being based on an exchange, where each side sacrifices something to the other, now both parties are allowed to retain their individuality. The relationship is based on common things they share, either certain passions in life or a "common life-direction".

As a result of this "sharing", a peer-to-peer marriage is often just as strong, if not even STRONGER, than a power-for-honor relationship. Part of the other person is also a part of who YOU are, and there is no greater bond between two people than that. As one of my elementary school teachers once said, "Love endures when couples love things together, not just each other".

This seems like something very foreign and blasphemous to a culture that was raised on a power-for-honor model, but I consider it to be the next evolution of the male-female relationship. Look at the successful marriages you have seen in your life, marriages that may have started out as power-for-honor models. Eventually, they evolve into a peer-to-peer dynamic. The partners find things they can enjoy together. The male begins to relinquish power back to the female as he finds that he can trust her to follow his lead as the woman becomes more of an individual and no longer requires the worship of the man. They both find experiences they can share and they grow and learn from the other's perspective, yet each develops and retains their own personal identity.

Furthermore, unlike a power-for-honor dynamic, there is very little potential for abuse in a peer-to-peer model. The reason for this is that each partner to the relationship retains his/her individual identity. It's very hard to become dependent on another when you have a strong identity and direction in life, so it's impossible for the man to wield power over the woman, or for the woman to turn the man into a cuckold/supplicant...if one becomes abusive, the other simply goes in a different direction.

 

[squirrels]

PART II

The Downside to the Peer-to-Peer Model

Despite all its benefits, the Peer-to-Peer model has a definite downside...it ISN'T EASY.

First of all, to have a healthy peer-to-peer marriage, you need to first be comfortable with yourself as an individual. This is something most people simply CANNOT do. People in this society are raised to be dependent on others for validation. It takes a long time of living for most people to reach a state where they're comfortable with themselves, by themselves. The old power-for-honor model provided women with validation and men with affirmation. The peer-to-peer model does no such thing. You need to come into a P2P relationship complete...as Incubus says, "with open arms and open eyes".

Secondly, whereas the PFH model relies simply on one party being a man and the other being a woman, the P2P relies on a matching of personalities, two people sharing a common direction or passion in life. That kind of bond is MUCH rarer and harder to find.

A Good Marriage Becomes Rare

As people switched over to the P2P model, they naturally struggled with trying to integrate it into the "old way", the societal framework set up by the PFH model. The hallmark of the PFH model is people getting married early and often, but as people tried to form P2P relationships and marriages quickly, they found them failing miserably. Sometimes, it was that one partner or the other wasn't ready to act as an individual and a peer, instead preferring the traditional PFH model. Other times, it was that a marriage was entered into hastily because sex led to a brief period in the PFH model, but as the "flames died down", the individuals again longed to be individuals and had no common ground with which to evolve into a P2P relationship.

Thus, divorce rates skyrocketed. The pheonomenon of the "starter marriage", a quick marriage lasting a year or two, became prominent; similar to a high-school relationship, only with a ring and a lot of legal hassles. Many people had children early in relationships, leaving many kids in separated families.

Soon, people started to realize just what the P2P model required from a potential mate. In this new light, many people started deciding to remain SINGLE until they found a compatible mate. Men and women into their 30s and 40s began behaving like teens and 20somethings, enjoying the "free love" singles life, following their own independent dreams, while still being on the lookout for compatible mates. Some find them after a period of enjoying life. Some are brought together with a compatible mate as a result of these life pursuits. And still many others remain single all their lives...but being an individual and not having an imperfect or "broken" relationship, to them, is a better option than de-evolving back into the old PFH system.

The Societal Problem

Society had been presented with quite a problem with this new model of P2P marriages and individual enlightenment...namely, that society itself was based around the concept of "easy marriage".

PFH provided easy marriage, since the only REAL requirement of it was that a man had to be a man and a woman had to be a woman, a bond primarily held at an instinctual level. P2P is a much more dynamic pairing, requiring bonds to be shared on psychological and even spiritual levels. The relative rarity of a "good marriage" in a P2P model makes it devastating for society.

Society is built around the "nuclear family" or "household" as the unit-of-measure. Our tax code is written around it. Our laws are written around it. Products are marketed toward it. Our economy, our communities, our housing structure, is dictated by it. More marriages. More white picket fences. More children to pay into Social Security. Our society is built around easy marriages like our power infrastructure was built around cheap oil.

Now that people are "awakening", becoming enamored with their individuality and bonding in a different way, the old societal guard is threatened with extinction, or at least with radical change (which to society is tantamount to extinction)

What is "Society", Anyway??

It's fashionable to make comments about "society". But what is "society"? Society is that way of thinking we were all ingrained with. A system tried by our forbears that worked and was passed down from generation to generation. It's the voice inside our heads that tells us to want what our parents wanted. In some ways, it shapes our individual personas. In other ways, it restricts their shaping.

So what we have now is a massive shift in "the way we do business" in male-female relationships that clashes with everything we learned from our parents and their parents about how male-female relationships are "supposed" to work.

The Leap

What's required of us next, if we want to maintain this new state of existence, is a Leap of Faith. We are officially in uncharted territory with a P2P model and will need to be willing to change many of the things our forbears took for granted.

Leaps of Faith like this, however, are not easy for most people. Many are not conscious enough yet to think for themselves and many hold in extremely high regard the ways of our fathers and mothers.

Not that they are "wrong" (the right-wrong duality is one of the biggest illusions of the logical mind), they were "right". It's also possible that we may be "right". But to take that leap is more than most people can manage.

Those who are enlightened enough and secure enough in their individuality can stand the tribulation that results from trying to make this new system work in an old world.

But again, it's NOT easy, and many of us are raised to expect an easy life.

Failing the Leap

Those who fail the "Leap" end up in a broken state of mind. As they try to collect the pieces of their shattered personas, the primary feeling that they feel is "shame".

"How could I have been so stupid? It didn't work for me! I should've never ended up believing in that whole NEW model! My parents and their parents did just fine under a PFH model! How did we go so astray??"

The next step is Guilt...or rather, BLAME. The men turn to the women and say, "This is YOUR fault. YOU and your feminism and need for individuality." To which the women reply, "If you had been REAL men and respected us the way your fathers did, we wouldn't have this problem!"

The social ingrainings we could not leave behind us now take control and turn us on each other.

In reality, we got a taste of a new way of life, but were as yet not ready to fully embrace it.

But most people can't handle the thought that they somehow were "inadequate" to embrace an individualist model. So they turn to Guilt as a weapon, labelling the P2P model and its individualistic, free-love world as immoral.

 

[squirrels]

PART III

The Gender War - An Eternal Guilt Trip


Now that the P2P model has been labelled as immoral, people go about the process of placing blame for falling into such "iniquity".

The men blame the women. GOOD women, the women like our mothers and grandmothers, have become rare, they say. Feminism has destroyed the traditional PFH relationship and the family unit, they say.

The women blame the men. GOOD men, the men like our fathers and grandfathers, have become rare, they say. Men no longer honor and cherish women, they say. Men just want to be immature boys and are after nothing more than sex, they say.

Thus begins the GENDER WAR, a game of shame, with each gender driving the other back into the traditional role via a mixture of shame and guilt.

The Unnatural Return

With each gender forcing blame on the other, each gender also rushes to renew its affirmation to the traditional PFH model.

Women refuse to have sex outside of marriage. Men return to the worship of women. Each side constantly maintains their arms of guilt against the other and each side, upon any deferrence from this model, is ready to hurl accusations at the other of being "unfit for a relationship".

This is the romantic equivalent of the Cold War doctrine of "Mutually Assured Destruction". If either side deviates from a "good marriage", the other is ready to unleash its full fury.

Even boyfriend/girlfriend relationships become committed. Men are anxious to give rings and women are quick to accept them, often without any thought besides the threat of being declared "unmarriageable". Couples move in together, buy pets together, stick in bad, abusive, neglectful, or unfulfilling relationships because they want to "keep the peace".

Can We Go Back?

Here's the thing...individuality has already left its imprint on our society. Although we cannot truly call ourselves "free", we have tasted freedom. We've tasted what it means to be complete as an individual, without fear of guilt or shaming. And we have tasted what a marriage between free men and women, a Peer-to-Peer marriage, feels like, and how wonderful it can be SHARING lives instead of engaging in mutual sacrifice.

Whether we'd like to admit it or not, we RESONATE with this concept of a full and strong marriage without loss of identity. It appears in all of our storybooks, all of our romance novels and movies, the finding of that one "special one". Can you find a "special other" in a PFH marriage? Of course! But it is equally rare in a PFH as in a P2P. The difference is that the P2P allows you to retain your individuality until you find that "special other" and accepts no compromise in life in between. It demands that you live your life to the fullest, instead of finding identity and completeness in your connection to another.

Chemistry Class - A Scientifico-Psycho-Philosophical Sidetrack

Compare marriage to a chemical bond.

The traditional PFH marriage closely resembles an ionic bond. One atom gives up an electron to the other (i.e. the woman giving up power to the man, for example) and the resulting polarity difference draws them together. This type of bond is simple and most simple elements can achieve it with relative ease. It also forms strong lattices and crystals (which could be compared to the formation of social structure).

But the common organic elements...Carbon, Oxygen, Nitrogen...they are not particularly suited to forming ionic bonds.

Rather, they commonly form a different kind of bond, a covalent bond. In a covalent bond, two or more atoms will actually SHARE elections to complete their valence shells. (similar to two peers sharing a common goal or passion in a P2P marriage)

This type of bonding is just as strong and often STRONGER than the well-known ionic bond. It also allows for diverse formations of chemical compounds. Single-bonds, double-bonds, triple-bonds. Water, the air we breathe (N-N and O-O), water, carbohydrates, sugars, proteins, RNA, DNA...the foundations of life on Earth.

Would I be going too far if I said that the P2P marriage model is a reflection of LIFE ITSELF?? A fractal-like affirmation of a pattern infinitely repeating itself first at the physical level and ultimately at the spiritual level?

Should I bring up that diamonds are bonded in this way?

OK No More Drugs

I feel like we're all living on the cusp of a great enlightenment, something many of us have experienced in some way or other. Many on this forum are all about self-improvement, about finding your way, your passion in life. About becoming a complete individual without the help of a woman. And women feel the same way about us men.

If we continue evolving as individuals, the old PFH model won't work for us. Sure, we can try, but it will leave us unfulfilled as we feel the desire to grow beyond the simple ways of our forbears. I'm not putting it down...there's a lot of charm in that way of life and it's carried us for thousands of years. But we face unique challenges now.

Man is no longer simply an instinctual creature. Nor is he merely a rational creature. He has become a SPIRITUAL creature. We become more conscious with every passing generation, and with greater consciousness comes a need for changing the systems on which we build our existence. Even the greatest castle can become a prison.

Not everyone is ready for this. I don't even know if I'm ready for it. And there's nothing "wrong" with that. But this is something to think about.

 

[squirrels]

Seriously, my brain feels like it's just given birth. Or taken a monster sh!t. One or the other.

 

[The Gamer]

Wow....

That was a genius piece of work and insight their. Something to think about...

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Would I be going too far if I said that the P2P marriage model is a reflection of LIFE ITSELF?? A fractal-like affirmation of a pattern infinitely repeating itself first at the physical level and ultimately at the spiritual level?

Should I bring up that diamonds are bonded in this way?

Holographic Universe?

Very nice insight. While I agree that more and more people are realizing that the P2P marriage is more appropriate, I believe the vast majority of humans will still function in the other kind for quite a few more generations, IMO. However, I do believe that you are on to something, and your clearly described P2P model does a nice job of illustrating a union better suited to current and future generations not constrained by traditional labor roles.

Very nice.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Squirrels,
I would observe the treasures you have stored are not just acorns.....You are 29.....So young,and yet you have encapsulated and penetrated,the rationale behind things that I also can identify with but hitherto have been unable to sort out in my head space...Well done,I wonder what further heights there are for you to achieve?Perhaps only those that make it as equally difficult to find a partner as the rest of us....Lifes pendulum?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Tokio,
Yes You too have seen the wisdom in this post,and yes the P2P relationship is only for those who fit a number of criteria as Squirrels points out...I think you and I fit this mould.I would hope that you as I,have an opposite number who likewise fits...At the end of the day,yeah sex is important but without an equal meeting of intellects it is nothing.....I had to look outside the Caucasion offering,I am really glad I did.