Messy scenario

[GADavid]

I've had a **** buddy thing for 4 years. At one point she and I were in love and started thinking about being together. I got freaked out that things were going well, got scared of losing her, and acted out in jealousy. Seriously scared her away, out of my own fear. I also never demonstrated the ability to be a long term provider either, though I have made gains financially recently.

Obviously she had reservations about a full on relationship with me. It never happened and she quit seeing me as serious relationship material. Even if we got closer, she would hold herself back knowing how things went the time before. We continued our **** buddy thing off and on for the last year and then she got engaged, which was a total surprise.

She hid it from me for a few months. We saw other people but she knew I loved her and she always came back to me in some ways despite the messed up past. The way I saw things happening was me getting my life together and her seeing me as a real option again. I didn't think she had anything that serious going on. She kept sleeping with me, flirting and acting like everything was normal between us. I found out, and got pissed/sad for a few weeks.

Then I realized it wasn't my place to get upset since she and I weren't together and that she's likely a disaster waiting to happen. Look at the poor chode that's her fiance. I somewhat feel bad for the guy. So I act like everything is fine and ignore her other **** as usual. Well, she is back to sleeping with me and wanting to spend time together.

I think she wants the marriage for stability, to be provided for, and because it is what a woman is supposed to do eventually. I don't doubt she has found herself someone who is relationship material in those ways; I doubt it's enough for her. Obviously since she still comes back to me, something isn't right. Despite it being a horrible idea, I love that girl very much and I hated every day since I messed up her loving me. I think I provide the carnal, alpha male, romantic in her life now but I wasn't the entire package because I lacked money/stability.

Most of you will say to run from this girl. I should but I won't. I messed up with her. I disqualified myself. Something is apparently still not finished between us. If I am the best I've ever been (I am in every way, but getting money is a slow process right now), it seems as though she is still trying to place what I could be to her. I think she is doing what is practical and best for a stable life. Perhaps I am a romantic at heart, but I go for passion and love over money/stability. I guess if a man can provide both passion and practicality, women would be beating down my door.

Thoughts on how to proceed? Because I have no idea. Go for the girl I love? Act normal and let her choose? Bail and thank god I didn't end up on the wrong end of a cheat?

 

[stevo]

Boy o boy, ain't that something!

Sit her down, tell her how you feel and what you want also let her see how you're taking steps to better your life then let her choose.

If she chooses you and breaks off her engagement because of you then you better be true to every word you promised.

If she chooses the other dude then she should go look for someone else to cheat with.

 

[G_Govan]

Most of you will say to run from this girl. I should but I won't.

In other words, "tell me what I want to hear or I'm not going to listen."

You don't want advice because you already know what to do.

 

[GADavid]

In other words, "tell me what I want to hear or I'm not going to listen."

You don't want advice because you already know what to do.

You are half right. I want advice on how to pull off the win in the bottom of the ninth. This is my last shot with this girl.

I am more than ready to make good on every promise I've made her. I'd have wifed her up if things had worked last year. Neither of us seem to be able to let the other go. She needs convincing that I, the unstable choice, am worth the leap of faith.

As an aside, I'm not desperate. I have a beautiful girl who adores me and is waiting for me to say the word. She's hotter, nicer, everything a man could want. But I truly love the FB girl.

So no, I'm not willing to give up now. I want advice on how to do this. It may be foolish considering the alternative I have. Don't care. I also won't break man code and tattle on her. She'd hate me for it and it's a biatch move. Though I'd want to know if I were the other guy. How do I fight the good fight and get the girl?

 

[VladPatton]

Tell her you're ready to stop the FB thing and tell her to get rid of that poor unsuspecting sap she's engaged to. Tell her to forget dreams of money and that this is who you are today, right now. Don't drag this on for years. You both have to shıt or get off the pot and play in the big league of adulthood. If she doesn't cut the sap loose, she doesn't know what she wants, and is playing both of you to have the best of both worlds. You're just as much of a chode as he is at this point if you let this go on!

So let her engagement be a start to a reaction process, and her coming back for sex action be the catalyst. She just can't have both, you dudes aren't puppets. Good luck, and stick to your guns.

 

[GADavid]

So I had a date with her. It went really well until the end. She couldn't come home with me tonight because of school but promised for at least two other nights this week. I get mixed signals. She even said something along the lines of always coming back to me. I feel like **** because I couldn't get her right now, but don't want to blow it. I think tonight was a **** test.

I plan to play it cool. Let her see me as what she wants. The fun person in her life.

 

[GADavid]

Tell her you're ready to stop the FB thing and tell her to get rid of that poor unsuspecting sap she's engaged to. Tell her to forget dreams of money and that this is who you are today, right now. Don't drag this on for years. You both have to shıt or get off the pot and play in the big league of adulthood. If she doesn't cut the sap loose, she doesn't know what she wants, and is playing both of you to have the best of both worlds. You're just as much of a chode as he is at this point if you let this go on!

So let her engagement be a start to a reaction process, and her coming back for sex action be the catalyst. She just can't have both, you dudes aren't puppets. Good luck, and stick to your guns.

I appreciate your response. The thing is, I'm weak when it comes to her. I think if I play the hard line like that, she'll clearly go for the stable choice and forget me. It's easier. Which means I lose my dream girl. Don't get me wrong; she is far from perfect...but I inexplicably love her more than anything. I have and get great, amazing, world class sex from other women, so it's not a desperate or needy position. She just rocks my world like no one else. I know most of you guys don't buy into a true love kind of thing, but she's it for me. Flaws and all, I flat out would do anything for her. I think the issue is she's been my best friend for years. I don't care about looking like an idiot or getting anything better. She's likely the worst thing to happen to me, and I'd still dive head first for her.

So how do I tell her to throw away a known, stable future for me? A guy who has hurt her and been inconsistent at best? I have no leg to stand on other than the fact that I've adored her and been ready to be a better man just to have her in my life. For all the jaded, hard nosed bull**** here, I'll readily admit this woman is everything to me. And I am terrified that it won't be enough.

 

[apprenticedj]

Damn I swear I wrote this thread! I'm in a situation, right now, that's eerily similar to this so OP I totally hear your pain.

One thing about the FB/FWB arrangement is that it truly goes against our current nature as humans. You engage in the most intimate acts known to man while attempting to keep all feelings at bay. Another aspect is the closeness that developes. My FWB is one of the only women on this earth that truly knows me, both my good AND bad. Because you skip the whole courting/dating stage and go straight to f*cking they get to see you without the rose colored shades we all use.

Now she sits at a crossroads (like my FWB). Through our actions we've demonstrated that we're probably not LTR/marriage material but the connection is so strong that she's afraid to lose it. I think, as others have said, it's time to go against DJ logic and lay your cards on the table. Tell her the pure, undoctored truth and brace for impact. You need a resolution soon so that you'll know one way or another.

I'm truly pulling for you brother.