Mature DJs..Help me out with this NEW 23 y/o girl!

[DJCT]

She is using your attention to boost her self esteem. You are fixated on her. The situation is harmful to you. Cut the cord.

There are a couple lessons to be learned here though. I'm not picking on you but you provide a good example.

So ive been talking to this girl for a little over 1 month now. I met her at the club last month and we really hit it off. The thing is the whole time, all weve been doing is talking on the phone. The only times ive met her is the time we first met at the club and the week after at another lounge.

Why are you wasting time talking on the phone? Do you want to be her male girlfriend or do you want to be her lover? No more phoning girls except to set up dates or hookups.

We get along great over the phone, but the thing is the first couple weeks ive known her, i asked her out like 3 times, the first time she said yes, but said it'll be weeks...WTF?? Then the second and third times i asked her she said no...this is the point where she kept acting like she didnt care much about me but the week after..things seemed to shift and i can tell she was getting into me on a deeper level.

There is no deeper level. Either she says yes and shows up for the date with a good attitude or she is not interested. Don't rationalize.

But shes keeps playing her games....

To give you an example, we were texting each other one time when we were both at seperate bars getting drunk...she basically texted me teasing me saying..

HB8: "Game over, maybe i should make it so i can get away"

...that was after i teased her earlier when we were playing a texting game saying that i won and she lost.

Then i texted her...

Ken785: "So you find a winning lottery ticket, would you throw it away too?"

HB8: "Some one else deserves it, not me"

HB8: "I know you feel that way now...but i cant except you if i cant except myself..so if youre less nice to me it'll be easier for me"

Well, you are giving her what she wants in terms of attention but what are you getting out of this?

Then i got tired of the bullsh!t and basically told her..

Ken785: "If you tell me you really feel that way about me, im saying goodbye and changing my number...im serious!"

HB8: "I dont really mean it, i wouldnt want that too.."

Then after that shes been nothing but niceness and texting and calling me all the time. I dont know what to do with this b!tch...i know her interest level is high...but she keeps on mentioning that im her "friend" and "buddy"...i dont like that.

You have the higher interest level, you gave her an ultimatum and basically handed her all the power along with your balls in one fell swoop.

I KNOW her interest level is high...Right now, i've ignored her for 3 days randomly and she texts me..

HB8: " 'Did you die???' quote finding nemo- Where did u run to? I miss my buddy"

"my buddy"... <<shudder>>... you don't think you are in the friendzone?

That was about 7 hours ago at about 10am and its now 5:30pm and ive yet to contact her.

The fact that you know how many hours it's been concerns me.

I know this b!tch is not "FriendZoning" me....I know shes interested but just likes to play games...


Should i just call her straight up and give her an ultimatum and tell her im not her friend. Either quit playing games and fvckin go out with me or im walking....if she doesnt give me the right answer im NEXTing her....The DJ part tells me to give her that ultimatum and quit wasting my time already beating around the bush....

Which im going to do, but how would i do it??


How would you guys set her straight??

Sorry man but you are in the friendzone. Girls that are interested don't play games. And even if they did, why would you want to get with a girl that played games? I wouldn't set a girl straight. Not worth the time. (Keep in mind that this is very different from having standards and boundaries and making sure that she respects them. That is a subject for another thread.)

Either you lead and she falls into line like a good girl or she is OUT.

 

[DJCT]

DJ’s don’t give ultimatums, they don’t need to. DJ’s make decisions.

EXACTLY!

 

[Gangster Of Love]

How old are you? (to OP).

 

[Ken785]

How old are you? (to OP).

im 25 bro....not versed in relationships even though ive been here awhile and know the principles...i dont get to apply them much...

 

[Ken785]

There is no deeper level. Either she says yes and shows up for the date with a good attitude or she is not interested. Don't rationalize.

But she did agree to meet this Saturday. This would be our first meeting one- on one. Do you think i just killed it in our last conversation by implying that we were more than friends?

she told me she still thought of us as friends...do you think she said that because we havent even met one on one yet?

 

[DJCT]

But she did agree to meet this Saturday. This would be our first meeting one- on one. Do you think i just killed it in our last conversation by implying that we were more than friends?

she told me she still thought of us as friends...do you think she said that because we havent even met one on one yet?

Well anything is possible But, having been in that situation before, I'd have to say it's a long shot. It's more likely that she will flake if a better offer comes along before Saturday.

My advice: cancel your Saturday plans with her and it will boost your self respect. That's important. Then go call up your boys and go out with them instead.

 

[Ken785]

Wow...i was just watching the 3rd part of RSDs Blueprint Decoded and Tyler speaks of my situation almost as if he knew!! He talks about:

"When a guy has a crush on a girl before they meet its a fvckin fool thing to have. It makes no sense. If you have a crush on a girl before you go see her, and you are attached the the outcome...how is that going to change her behavior?....Your not the one thats attractive in the situation..."

 

[guru1000]

Hey Ken,

Everything you have done up to this point has shown you have no VALUE as a Man.

A Man of Value will NEVER call a woman after a declined offer of a first date.

Any call after that initial conversation was pointless. You HAVE set the frame. Then you go on to REINFORCE your damaged frame and low value by continuing to communicate with her.

You have shown this girl your cards, lack of options and little self-respect. Now you are her validation toy and girlfriend.

What should you do now?

I would normally say walk away. BUT, I do not think you have learned your lesson yet. This is what I want you to do,

Go out with her on Saturday. Buy her a drink, touch her, pull her hair, play with her and try to kiss her with many attempts. The only way you are to leave this date is either by her surrendering to you or her running away from you.

She WILL run away from you. Let this serve as a lesson to NEVER be a girl's gf.

 

[Ken785]

I just thought she said no because she didnt know me that well at first. As we kept talking, she started to like me a lot more and started to act more receptive as i started to act more flirtatious in my texts.

When she got more comfortable was when she agreed to lunch with me...before our last conversation, i noticed her voice get all low and shy like she had butterflies in her stomach.

I have cut contact with her since yesterday when i told her I had enough girlfriends and that i wasnt looking for another one. We'll just have to wait and see if she contacts me again, but i wont contact her.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

This is you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZChD_Gni8U

Now go read Buffers.

 

[DJCT]

I just thought she said no because she didnt know me that well at first. As we kept talking, she started to like me a lot more and started to act more receptive as i started to act more flirtatious in my texts.

When she got more comfortable was when she agreed to lunch with me...before our last conversation, i noticed her voice get all low and shy like she had butterflies in her stomach.

I have cut contact with her since yesterday when i told her I had enough girlfriends and that i wasnt looking for another one. We'll just have to wait and see if she contacts me again, but i wont contact her.

No more flirty text messages. They are a waste of your time and will tend to put you in the friendzone.

Never go out on a lunch date. Friends go out to lunch. People that are going to screw go out at night when it is "romantic".

Don't try to get back at her through proving yourself or posturing (i.e. I have many girlfriends and don't need you). You have to learn to drop a girl completely when you aren't getting what you want/need. Don't get back in touch to try and leave the door open. It basically means you are like a dog sniffing around for table scraps.

Some of the replies on here may seem a little harsh but it is because we have all gone through this situation somewhere along the line and can easily see it for what it is.

Bottom line: value yourself and your time and never entertain girls with low interest. You attack this problem from two angles: inner and outer. Inner is how much respect you have for yourself, your boundaries and your standards. The outer is learning how to handle various situations (what to do, what not to do). Each reinforces and illuminates the other. Read posts by Rollo and Latinoman, read about Anti-Dump's Machine to learn how to filter out low interest girls and other types of losers, and listen to Tom Leykis to get some contrast for any mushy or idealistic notions you might be entertaining (but realize he can be over the top sometimes).

You'll get there.

 

[STR8UP]

If you're gonna play with girls like this you can't take them seriously.

I think she's just messing with you for an ego boost, but that doesn't mean you automatically have to blow her off, just understand that you aren't anywhere near the top of her radar. Proceed accordingly.

If she keeps giving you the runaround and you aren't emotionally invested in her, keep her around and tell her that her job is to help you pick up other women. She doesn't like it, go find someone else to hang out with.

If you really "like" her, cut her loose, NEVER stick around in the "friend zone" under a woman's terms.

 

[Ken785]

Guys. I officially gave in today. I texted her and said that i felt bad about telling her i didnt want to be her friend. I didnt apologize...i just told her i felt bad. I also said that i let my emotions get the best of me and that is why i said that. I told her that i understood now...

I said how can i expect her to feel anything more than friends when technically we've never met?

I get i text after saying that she enjoyed texting/ talking to me and that she says things she doesnt mean as a defense mechanism and as far as friends she said she doesnt see it now.

I later called her and she was all silent and hurt. She said she was just getting off work and driving home so i said id call later. She later texts me saying that it wasnt an excuse to get off the phone...she was going to costco and would call me after her dinner.

Anyways...i text her back and we make up i guess...shes going to call her later after dinner..

Im sorry guys...but i just feel too attached to this girl now...i havent talked to a girl for this long before and opened up to a girl like i did her. Attachment is a B ! T C H!!!

Here come the flames....

 

[DJCT]

You are a glutton for punishment brother---both with this girl and with the other members of this site.

Not only did make yourself look like a COMPLETE PUSSEE in her eyes you did something 10000x more damaging (and important): you made yourself look like a COMPLETE PUSSEE in your own eyes.

One positive thing that comes from all of this is that from start to finish the OP has been kind enough to provide us with a textbook example of precisely WHAT NOT TO DO under any circumstances.

 

[decades]

:kick:

 

[grinder]

Just document for yourself and learn from this.

You met her in a club and kindled something. You made missteps after but it WAS a good start.

This is a learning process.

Repeat what you did in the bar many many times and you will learn step by step how to proceed and succeed.

 

[Ken785]

I just want to make it clear. This girl im dealing with is a NICE GIRL, and not the kind of girl that you would think of when i mentioned that i met her at a club.

 

[guru1000]

I just want to make it clear. This girl im dealing with is a NICE GIRL, and not the kind of girl that you would think of when i mentioned that i met her at a club.

And I am sure you will make a NICE GIRLFRIEND to this nice girl.

 

[Ken785]

And I am sure you will make a NICE GIRLFRIEND to this nice girl.

I appreciate all the advice given to me thus far. I believe the advice most of you gave is good...

But you all also have to remember, all girls are different.

I believe you have to switch up the way you are and the way you escalate with certain types of girls...of course if i was dealing with a party girl id be ultra aggressive...but with Nice girls you cant be that way. I do agree that the 3 key mistakes i made was...

1) Not setting up the a date one on one soon enough.

2) Talking on the phone for too much instead of in person (although in this situation, it made her more comfortable with agreeing to go out with me and built a foundation of rapport).

and

3) Texting way too much.

Lesson learned...this is a learning process man. I never stop growing.

 

[-HPNOTIQ-]

Ken..I've read the majority of these posts, and all the fellas have given pretty solid advice. And from your posts, it looks like you know where the corrections need to be made. The one thing that wasn't mentioned that you have obviously put this girl on a pedestal - you've got one-itis for this chick.

You've made a blanket excuse for her actions by saying "she's a good girl". Anything she does, acts, says, or feels will be ok in your eyes because "she's different"...she's "a good girl"..."I believe you have to switch up the way you are and the way you escalate with certain types of girls"...

I believe in this statement to a point. Yes, all situations are different. But, don't make up excuses for her in why she's put you in the LJBF's zone because she's a nice girl.

My advice for the next chick you date is to let your intentions be known in the beginning. Let her know you're interested with your KINO and sexual undertones. If she doesn't reciprocate, then you know off the bat to stop wasting your time. It'll save you the sanity from reading a bunch of meaningless text messages.