Mastering the art of small talk

[Good Cat]

Small talk is one of the most versatile tools a person has in their arsenal when dealing with the world at large. As simple as it seems considering people engage in small talk everyday, it is also one of the most elusive skills to master. Small talk allows us to make new friends and gain insight into their personalities. And of course at the uttermost of importance is how priceless this art is at meeting and connecting with women.
I want to start this discussion by saying that this is my first post on this forum so take it for what it is but every AFC would greatly benefit from good skills at small talk.

I myself have had too many awkward moments where I was with some new people and had no clue how to initiate a conversation that would separate me from the crowd and create an environment that is comfortable for the other person and makes them thrilled to talk with me. To be honest I'm tired of the ****ty Q&A seesions I always come up with like: where are you from? how old are you? what do you like to do for fun? blah blah blah I hate these types of conversations and I know they don't appeal to any girl with an IQ above room temperature.
The worst part about small talk too is that even after starting a convo with a girl most of the time I can't seem to keep it going long enough to gain anything. Small talk if done correctly can lead to much deeper conversations that will give you a full foot in the door if you want to ask the girl out or even just be friends.
I have tried to master this skill for some time by mainly observing other people and how they do it so in my experiences I have come up with a few things that work but I still have not perfected them by any means so please do add any experiences you've had or what you like to do to initiate lasting conversations.
Here's the list:
1.Try not to say something too typical

2. Be witty in a way thats not cheesy

3. Be observant to your surroundings and think of ways to use your surroundings to start the convo (still a very tough one for me)

4. Don't blab. Try to get opinions about whatever it is your talking about.

5. Don't make the conversation a Q&A session

6. Use topics they can relate to and feel comfortable talking about.

7. Have your own unique style about how you say things because a big portion of talk is not what you say but how you say it. Girls especially can sense confidence in your voice (or lack of).

So thats what I've come up with. Looks good on paper but it seems to be very difficult to master. A good conversation appears to have no end in sight. The best conversations I've had with women ended because one of us had to go based on the time and not because there was no where else for the conversation to go. Suggestions welcome.

 

[reset]

Something else to add. Usually when we are nervous, when someone else is talking we barely hear them. We are rehearsing in our minds what we are going to say... so we don't get the full effect of their part, and our part comes out stilted, nervous, and usually inaccurate, because like I said we were so nervous we didn't take in everything they said.

Listen actively. Take yourself off the stage and just listen to the other person. Then, if you have something to add, great, if not, whatever. You don't HAVE to have conversations you don't want to have.

 

[Good Cat]

Listen actively. Take yourself off the stage and just listen to the other person. Then, if you have something to add, great, if not, whatever. You don't HAVE to have conversations you don't want to have.

True. I have had much better success when I have been able to remain calm and confident. If you can keep from being nervous you can be much more observant and think clearer about what you're going to say.
I guess a real problem for me is that since I haven't had a lot of practice communicating with new people that I have a hard time remaining calm and confident. It brings me back to not knowing what to say or feeling like I don't know what to say. When I already know what I'm going to say to get things moving I get a real confidence boost, but I hardly ever know what I'm going to say before I approach a female so I get the basic effect you just described..nervousness, mind running faster than a dog on crack, and just simple old insecurity.

 

[cyp6]

become genuienly interested in the other person.

 

[Analytic]

Small talk is seriously stupid, why waste your time with it? say whatever you want and be done with it. There are better things in the world to waste then talk about nonsense, or like the person above me said, if you're really interest in them then fine.

 

[Good Cat]

Small talk is seriously stupid, why waste your time with it? say whatever you want and be done with it. There are better things in the world to waste then talk about nonsense, or like the person above me said, if you're really interest in them then fine.

Small talk has enormous relevance when it comes to meeting women because saying nothing gets you nothing and the inability to carry on conversation long enough to get a foot in the door can have real drawbacks in your ability to land women. Sure small talk may seem insignificant considering its ubiquitous nature but I asure you its significance is unbounded. Some may think its easier to just ask a girl on a date and be done with it but dates can get expensive and they put the guy on the spot to impress because what you plan for a date says a lot about your style in the eyes of a woman. Enhancing your game is far from stupid because that is what small talk is all about. Its not about cheesy one-liners or stupid jokes its about working an effective angle to get what you want in any given situation.

 

[Zebedee]

Small talk is all about confidence, when a nervous guy does small talk he simply asks questions and doesnt follow up on them because he is to busy worrying. Where as when a confident guy does small talk he manages to make it interesting and fun. The reason for this is simple when you feeling confident your are more talkative, interesting and funny (providing that you are not a boring person). It may seem like I am stating the obvious but im guessing that a lot of guys overlook this. Have you ever seen a nervous guy who is good around people or good with small talk?

 

[young_gun]

Small talk is all about confidence, when a nervous guy does small talk he simply asks questions and doesnt follow up on them because he is to busy worrying. Where as when a confident guy does small talk he manages to make it interesting and fun. The reason for this is simple when you feeling confident your are more talkative, interesting and funny (providing that you are not a boring person). It may seem like I am stating the obvious but im guessing that a lot of guys overlook this. Have you ever seen a nervous guy who is good around people or good with small talk?

Haha! This post hits the nail on the head. It's pretty funny to watch a guy who is clearly talk to a woman. He'll ask her a million unrelated questions (so where did you go to high school? where do you work? what's your blood type?) until ultimately she up and leaves.

The only way you can really overcome this is to practice it. I've also found that once I get into a talkative state, I can talk to anyone about anything and it will be a fun conversation. This is why it's so hard to get out of a bad headspace when you "freeze out" at a party / club. You have to get the ball rolling right when you arrive.

 

[MooseGod]

I used to be pretty good at small talk, actually the king of bullsh!tting, but nowadays I just really don't feel like making the effort. Who the hell honestly cares what stupid little things somebody did today, or their opinion on something you don't care about? Call me an ******* if you want, but at least I'm straightforward.

 

[Chaotixxx]

I used to be pretty good at small talk, actually the king of bullsh!tting, but nowadays I just really don't feel like making the effort. Who the hell honestly cares what stupid little things somebody did today, or their opinion on something you don't care about? Call me an ******* if you want, but at least I'm straightforward.

How does a typical approach for you go? Are you straight to the point?

 

[War Against Betaism]

Swinggcat does a great job of discussing different techniques that revolve around "small talk".

One technique he used is to never give a direct answer. Like if you just told a girl about your trip to Europe, instead of giving her the entire story, give her bits and bits of it and make HER ask questions. Like;

Her: "How was the trip?"

You: "It was good, it had its boring moments, but overall it was good."

Her: "Where did you go?"

You: "England, France, and some other small countries I couldn't pronounce the name of."

Her: "What did you do..."

Conversation can go on and on.

Another one he talked about, which is quite similar to the above example, are open loops. Basically you tell her something, and then you cut yourself off and tell her "Ummm I'll tell you later." When you have nothing else to say, then you can tell her exactly what you were going to tell her. The core idea behind this is that you're piquing her interest continuously. Remember those times you were telling your friend a story, and one of the people involved you just couldn't remember the name of? Then you spent the whole day trying to remember what his name was, and then 10 hours later you figure it out. It's basically the same thing, she'll be wondering to herself "Oh man I wonder what that thing he was going to tell me about, is it bad?" Then tell her after a while. Even if what you were holding back a secret didn't deliver a lot of shock value, the whole timespan in which you kept it a secret makes her curious and a little bit interested.

The most important to small talk, which PUA's call it fluff talk, is the pace of your voice, being laid back, body language, etc. Talk slower, talk as if you weren't really that interested in talking to her. This way, when you do hit those awkward silences, it'll make HER feel like she has to suck up to you instead of the other way around.

 

[just another newb??]

yeah, i totally agree with young gun, once you get the right state... you can talk with no end and others will seem to follow your example.

I belive we actually know everything we need already but the problem is getting into the right state. Once everything feels right you cannot believe what you can accomplish.

 

[Good Cat]

yeah, i totally agree with young gun, once you get the right state... you can talk with no end and others will seem to follow your example.

I belive we actually know everything we need already but the problem is getting into the right state. Once everything feels right you cannot believe what you can accomplish.

This is true. The right state of mind is what seems to come and go. I believe confidence is what puts you into that state because it seems after getting a few laughs out of some people right before or having a your friends with you, its a lot easier to roll out a good chit chat with a new female and have no problem keeping the convo going.