married woman - Bad situation - Please help!

[Heretolearn]

Hi,

This is a very serious thread. Please no silly responses.

I met a woman (W) through work. W is an outside consultant. I introduced myself initially and we ended up emailing each other. I found out a lot more about W and we met up for subsequent lunches. W is 31 and I am 25. W was sending me about 4 emails per day for the last week.

* we got to know each other over about 10 months

I then went out to dinner with W last week then afterwards went for a drive and parked *she drove. We talked, joked around and flirted - the usual stuff.

Then W told me she was married and could not do this. That she thought she could but cannot. That even though she was extremely attracted to me that she has a 'life sentence'.

* found out later she got married at 23. After a bad break up where she vowed no more realtionships, she got married one year later.......

I was very surprised that she was married. I suspected something was up but did not know exactly what. W had danced around my questions to determine that she was married/single. I really just assumed she was single due to her attention to me and her obvious high interest. W wears a ring but on the right hand and not the ring finger.

I said that I really respected her decision not to do anything and felt it was fantastic - truth. We joked around ending up flirting more and we hugged et cetera. W tried to kiss me on the lips afterwards though.

- Situation -

I very much respect the institution of marriage - despite not necessarily agreeing with the interpretation of it in many cases. Regardless, I SHALL NOT DO ANYTHING WITH A MARRIED WOMAN.


other information
-----------------
* W has no kids.

* How do i feel about her? Irrelevant in this situation, but I think she is very nice yet there are so many fish in the sea and I am young. I am NOT considering settling down at this point in my life.


Now how do I handle this situation.

I want to defuse a highly volatile emotional situation. Eg. Imagine if she has a fight with her Husband and leaves him expecting I shall be around. Damage to our professional and personal reputations if a 'scandal' was alleged et cetera.




a) no contact and be an *******

- a friend recommended this. Probably good but may be too much after 4 emails a day et cetera and I do not want this to blow up in everyone's faces especially as work is involved. I would prefer:

b) Explain why we should not do anything but can be friends

- not worth losing her marriage, home, all that she has worked for just for a 'bit of fun'.

My friend recommended against this as he said this will bring her closer to me, as she will think 'what a mature great guy' maybe I should leave my husband.

c) Apparently the only sure fire way to lose interest from a girl is to give too much attention and not be a man As funny as that is, alas it can be true. I cannot

d) anything else that you can think of.



My nature is option B. My preference though is to best deal with the situation and learn from it for the future!

 

[penkitten]

be honest and tell her you just will not date a married woman.
then if she continues to get in touch with you, ignore it and dont answer the phone.

once you tell someone how you feel, if they cant accept it and think they can persuade you into it, you ignore them until they get the hint and stop.

 

[Freddy1]

Tell her you respect her but you dont want to complicate things in your life already.

 

[grinder]

Something beween "a)" and "b)". With work involved their are many variable to contend with. I received very good advice from this board on a similar situation: namely, "don't dip your pen in the company ink...".

You can't just cut it off if you have to work with her, would be unprofessional and paradoxically may make her pursue you more: then later, after you continue to cut her off....she gets ANGRY!

The "just be friends" angle may to stimulate her interest, then you will get tested....and you might fail...

Your situation is like approaching a cobra on your path : Be respectful of the danger, slowly and very, very carefully back away, don't make any quick movements, don't take your eye off the problem for a second; then, find another path (or 4).

 

[Ricco]

..I agree with grinder - this is a tricky situation. I suggest you stop being personal with her i.e don't ask her any personal questions..talk about general stuff

 

[Sinistar]

Here's what I read:

1.) You posted to the forum so you clearly have some type of emotional investment (friends or dare I say more?).

2.) You sound like you are trying to save her from herself and rescue/prevent her from destroying a marriage.

3.) You hinted a few times that she might be drawn closer to you by your actions to distance yourself or via some marriage crap (ie fight with her husband).

4.) She was less than honest with you, for what 10 months?

5.) After telling you the truth, she then tried to initiate some degree of initmacy.

6.) She is at least 6 years older than you and has already used that card along with her poor marriage discussion to lull you in. She is clearly the Prize.

Here's what I think:

Her marriage troubles are not your troubles. SO STOP TRYING TO SAVE or RESCUE her. And she's using you, you're paying her the attention the guy at home should be. That's why you're getting 4 emails a day instead of regular wild rompin' sessions. You can be sure he's probably still getting fvcked on a regular basis and probably has another betty he's giving all his attention too.

She is playing her game well, establishing a safe zone (ie friendship) with someone who is more prone to the rescuer/savior schema (younger, single nice guy) . Now that you're onto to her, she decided to tell you (PART OF) the truth. And then she tried initiating intimacy. Why? Because now if things fall apart it will be your fault!!! She has an out for any guilty feelings.

A tough question here: what exactly are your expectations? Are any of them actually healthy? When you realize your unhealthy expectations, you will find the root of the problem (flawed beliefs) and you will begin making a healthy set of changes.

I've been in a situation much like this before. Once you let yourself start feeling sorry for them, you'll believe just about anything. Is it their fault - nope! Its our fault. For not being mature enough to recognize the situation and be a man about it.

Clearly you work together. But you're not married or living together or even dating. And you're a man. So stop giving such a rip about what will happen at work.

The solution is easy - indifference! Maybe not easy to execute but you know it will solve the problem. Avoid any talks of why it has to end, that's just drama and will backfire in the long run. Communicate to her very covertly (saying nothing) that you've figured things out, know what she's up to, don't tolerate lies (whether direct or via half truths or anonymity) and that you don't go around fixing other people's problems.

Oh yeah, look for more red flags to learn for this experience. Does she have a good set of female friends or is she textbook example of a clutch outcast (ie AW). Did she ever introduce you to her close friends and family (after 10 months a real friend would have exposed you to their world). Does she do things to keep your "friendship" more private/secret. Is she anonymous in any way? Is she always blaming others for her problems?

To answer your question, definitely not 'b' that will just create a big drama session to get you to feel more sorry (wow are they good at that!).

I vote for 'd' - Indifference. Believe it or not, she'll probably respect you the most for this.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

 

[flexion_]

I'd just go with PenKitten's idea on this one. She is a big girl and will just move on to the next boy candy if you aren't interested.

You are the only one making this a big situation - don't get sucked into the drama. Trust me you aren't her first man outside of her marriage.

 

[Heretolearn]

some great responses!

Thank you!

My biggest issue initially was the tendency and desire to HELP or SAVE. I was seriously thinking about 'counselling' her about her marirage, finiding out what was wrong and trying to encourage her to fix it.


I have always had this helper/saver mentality.

As for her and an affair. I believe she has not done the physical side before but who knows. W is a very shy girl on the outside yet pretty cool once you get to know her. The quiet reading stay at home type who would may have had a wilder 20s but for getting married perhaps.


Update
--------

W called me twice the next day (missed calls), sent a text message and an email wanting to come over to my place.

I said no, explained B which was a lot harder than I expected as W did not respond just said yes. No sharing of her thoughts.

She also wanted to go out to a party with me that my friends were going to. She wanted to bring a 22 year old guy friend staying with her. That would have meant spending Friday and Saturday night with me in public places with her friend. I admit, curiosity has the best of me. Where is the husband!

I basically invited her to spill the beans about this in the phonecall when I said, 'I do not know about your situation, and cannot imagine where you are' - her response " I will survive'..................................


Hard to do but I shall follow the excellent advice above hereafter!

 

[Sinistar]

My biggest issue initially was the tendency and desire to HELP or SAVE. I was seriously thinking about 'counselling' her about her marirage, finiding out what was wrong and trying to encourage her to fix it.

Nip this in the bud. You'll just end up breaking yourself trying to fix others. Re-read the quote above. Now be honest. What exactly did you expect your 'counseling' to accomplish? Could it be the AFC, ONEItis strategy to SAVE your way to intimacy...

She also wanted to go out to a party with me that my friends were going to. She wanted to bring a 22 year old guy friend staying with her. That would have meant spending Friday and Saturday night with me in public places with her friend. I admit, curiosity has the best of me. Where is the husband!

Think about what you just wrote. The type of woman your describing to us is definitely gettin' it on with someone. This is one of them. I bet that would have been a fun evening. She's got two younger guys in her grasp, one staying with her doing anything she wants (he ain't no friend either). And another (you) playing girlfriend. He11, maybe she's just trying to set up a DP romp for her own pleasure

AND YOU"RE STILL STUCK WORRYING ABOUT THE HUSBAND!.

I said no, explained B which was a lot harder than I expected as W did not respond just said yes. No sharing of her thoughts.

I still think this was the wrong choice. Well actually, it was a great choice if you wanted to crank up the drama (which she'll love). And don't be surprised if she now tries to make you feel guilty for ending a 'friendship'. And if she really has you by the nvts she'll even manage to get you to go against:

I very much respect the institution of marriage - despite not necessarily agreeing with the interpretation of it in many cases. Regardless, I SHALL NOT DO ANYTHING WITH A MARRIED WOMAN.

This is simple. You have the ONEItis (ie 10 months, no intimacy) for a what is looking like an Attention Wh0re (part truths, anonymity, no mention of female friends, confusion, games, younger guys to ego boost, etc.)

I'm sticking with 'd' - Indifference. You can't say anything wrong. You shut off the attention she's sucking up w/o giving anything in return. It communicates to her covertly that you're on to her game and it's over. And you'll then find out for sure if she was ever really even a friend.

Then follow it up quickly with Rollo's plate spinning, once you're seeing just one or two other women that reciprocate you'll realize what a mess 'W' is and always will be and that there's nothing you can do about it.

 

[Ricco]

............found out later she got married at 23. After a bad break up where she vowed no more realtionships, she got married one year later..........


Be careful with such women...they work on impulse then change their mind. she may just be scheming to bail out of the marriage and looking for another sucker....and you will pay dearly if you do.

 

[Heretolearn]

great responses!

some responses of mine -

>>>Nip this in the bud. You'll just end up breaking yourself trying to fix >>>others. Re-read the quote above. Now be honest. What exactly did you >>>expect your 'counseling' to accomplish? Could it be the AFC, ONEItis >>>strategy to SAVE your way to intimacy...

With a different girl in a different time, perhaps. I am in a strange place right now where I do not want to be with anyone intimately. Very strange but it means I can take it or leave it.

As for my motive to save, I was raised in a broken home. My father left when I was 7. I have not seen him since bar a couple of one line birthday cards from him.

This has really affected me. I want the 'dream' happily ever after marriage. I want to believe it works for others also. I appreciate this site and reality yet I have always been a 'dreamer'. When my ideas work, I am a genius. When they do not, I am impractical and unrealistic.

Thus my motivation to help possibly stems from my own appreciation of what a good family unit can be.

- the 22 yr old friend was invited as I was going out with a bunch of my friends.

* FANTASTIC advice RIcco. This is my fear in the situation.

 

[Latinoman]

Great advice!

By the way...this woman is playing the field and doing it very well. She is playing victim. She is manipulating younger men, so she can get her ego boost. And she is looking to blame somebody else on the failure of her marriage.

What make the situation very bad is the work. It seems that you are worry it can damage your professional reputation.

If that is the case...INDIFERENCE is the way to go.

Do not try to safe others...at the end...you will end up without the energy to keep yourself affloat.

"I will survive" - what a biatch for trying to put guilt on you!

 

[Heretolearn]

update
-------

As I said, I explained that I shall not do anything with a married woman and that we can be friends as I enjoy her company. I aslo explained that if we cannot be friends, then I understand and think that is a good option.

Since then, her emails have been turned up several notches in regards to innuendo and offers. I have responded without turning it up, with simple matter of fact responses. Invitations to meet up are still coming and W wants to spend the night with me Friday.

I must admit, this is hard for me to resist. I shall read the responses above again though

thank you

 

[grinder]

Sounds like you are about to cave.....All is not lost if you do. The advice you have received here is good...just probably no one noted how hard it will be to take it in the real world.

I have been in this situation and the indifference did work, but not without some problems as it initially stimulates interest. You are looking for an overall pattern of withdrawl through indifference.

In my personal experience I recognized that I was the problem, that I still had desire for her. It was not until I forced myself to meet other women that the desire faded and it became easier to pull away.

I don't hear from you much info on your involvment with other women. Until you do that you are vulnerable, a "sitting duck", so to speak.

Rollo's plate theory applies here, not only to getting with other women, but doing ANYTHING else to have a life.

Own your desire, this is YOUR fault, not her's, and spin plates!

 

[jonwon]

This women is an attention *****.

PLEASE for the love of god stay away.

She reads like my ex wife, don’t be the smuck like I was and not read the signs.

She is bad news.

Forget about the husband or anyone else.

This women is good for 1 THING ONLY

That is fu**ing.

DO NOT get emotionally involved with this women YOU will regret it.

Take this as a warning, read the other replies!

You are falling deeper and deeper into this pit of rubbish! Open your eyes what ever you do NOT go exclusive with this women, married or not.

This is strictly sex and NOTHING else.

As for friendship why?
Why be just friends what are you getting out of it.
Female married friend, you are also concerned about the husband.

Do you think her husband knows about you or the 22 year old?
If he does you better believe she is LYING to him.

And you want this women apart of your life?

 

[Heretolearn]

great replies guys - thanks!

I really appreciate it!

I have been very plain, matter of fact with her. W sent an email last night saying I have been annoying, cheeky and super annoying lately. W sent an apology email the next day, with a lunch invitation.

I am not looking/ready for a relationship with anyone at present. I got out of an epic relationship 10 months ago but I am still drained. I am not interested 'in spinning plates' per se as I am not one for dating. I do want to meet lots of friends right now though.

* in all honesty, all I want to do right now is train and do my thing but I am injured and have been injured for the last 11 months meaning I cannot train

Training was everything to me! * I know, have a balanced lifestyle. It was my balance though I was very active. I trained many things but was a very active person even in my time off. I can hardly walk right now.