married AFC with a 24 yo chasing me

[Rounder]

My first post - I'm a newb here. My background - married in 2001 at the age of 26. Divorced her after 2 years in 2003.

Married again in 2005 and I have a 9 year old step-son now. We've had our regular disagreements - most of which are about my "time". She likes to label and classify our time together. When I'm not spending enough time with her or "the family" I hear about it.

So as recently as 6 weeks ago I would have said we were never getting along better.

About a month ago a 24 year old who is a temp at my office started flirting with me. She worked there last year for 6 months and we chatted alot. She was cute, young and married.

This year she is divorced and we've been emailing, talking at work, meeting after work occassionally and last Friday night we got a hotel room. We didn't have sex because she was on the rag and we decided to wait. She is very dirty, loves to experiment and will try anything once. She gives me a lot of attention in ways my wife never has.

At 33 I feel old. I've been working out again and getting myself into shape. This girl makes me feel alive and has reminded me that I am a man and I'm suddenly urged to be single again. I'm craving the freedom that comes with being single.

I would never marry this girl - ever - she is a distraction for now and that is it. Before things started with her I let her know I was not getting divorced and she is cool with all of that.

She is weak and loves any attention I give her. Her self confidence is in the toilet. I tease her and control her. I know that she is emotionally involved with me but I doubt she will ever cause any problems for me.

Should I give this girl up and concentrate on my wife instead? Get divorced? Keep this girl around for a while longer and enjoy the time I have with her? I don't want to make a decision on a whim, I just won't do that.

I have always been "the relationship" guy. Never single for too long at a time. I do plan to develop more skills and at the very least make flirting with women easier and more fun.

 

[DavenJuan]

this would have been me at age 33 prior to coming here as far as the "relationship guy".

you are treading thin waters with this temp. SEVERAL THINGS wrong there.

1. she is a coworker/employee. bad mistake. if you are going to play dont do it at work

2. YOUR MARRIED. self explanatory

3. you need to find yourself before jumping into something else. you cant be happy in a relationship if you cant be happy by yourself or even KNOW YOURSELF.

this is going to be a vicuous cycle if you dont take the time to find your own identity, and you will be hurting alot of ppl including yourself if you dont.

good luck new brother.

 

[Rounder]

Here I go trying to justify and rationalize things....

I know the coworker thing is a bad idea. She is a temp though and will be here at most 2 more months. Even if things *start* to go sour I can keep her happy til she is gone. I won't have the opportunity for an overnighter again for 3 to 4 weeks.

She is actively searching for other jobs and is in the process of sending out resumes to 63 schools. She lives an hour away from me and once she finds a job I may never see her again.

She has her own life as well, ex-husband that she is dating again, another guy interested in her and a group of close friends. She is generally outgoing and I don't think she will cause any problems for me.

My married life kinda sucks - very structured, very routine, few friends, almost everything revolves around my step-son. I even asked my wife to watch a movie with me yesterday afternoon and she said she'd be too distracted because he was in the house or outside.

I'm 2nd behind him - always have been. I knew that going in and the last 6 months or so I've started to get really tired of it. The time I get real attention from her is when he is with his dad.

 

[insidious]

Why are you getting married so much? Do you enjoy giving your assets away?

"

This temp is the least of your concerns.
It's time for you to stop escaping. You're 33, married 2x,
and viciously unhappy with the structure of marriage.
Well guess what...I am too, hence my divorced status. You think
I plan on getting married anytime soon with my mindset...?
Don't know what on Earth you were thinking. I think you
need to sort a few things out, and women are not on that
list.

 

[Mr. Me]

I think you need to invest quality time with your wife. Or get divorced.

 

[MotownMack]

Think carefully about what you do here.

I fell into a rut similar to yours with my live-in g/f of six years, and was distracted by the attention of an HB9 that made me feel "alive" again too.

Whether or not our relationship would have survived-who knows, some pretty difficult communication problems were on blocking our road to recovery. But looking back now, my ex was the sweet, normal, trusting, non "game playing" girl we wish all girls were like (in a twist of irony that I won't get into now, that was probably part of the problem-she didn't present enough of a challenge).

Anyway, I never cheated on her with this girl physically, but she found out we were talking (and more importantly, the things were saying to each other), and we ended up splitting. And though I was technically ready for it to end, I often question the way it ended and if it was fixable. I think it was, but she was not about to invest any more time.

My point: This is your second marriage, that it sounds like you're about to end. I am surprised more of the philosophical posters have not kicked you in the a$$ with this post, because it sounds pretty clear the problem is an internal one that you're trying to solve with external stimuli.

Seriously explore some more options with your ex before you make this move. And I mean really explore them, followed by action-not just thinking about it for a few minutes and reaching the same conclusion. Because it sounds like your destined to make the same mistake again and again until you find out what your issue is.

 

[MacAvoy]

Here's something a little off the beaten path but are you a poker fan?

 

[ElChoclo]

Somebody said once that a man can always find 2 reasons for doing something. The first reason is the one which sounds like it makes sense. The second one is the real reason.


That comment applies to you Rounder. You do not know what you are doing. You seem to take pride in always being in a relationship, but the relationships don't sound too fulfilling. Why would you for example take a hotel room and then not proceed to make proper use of it. Your attitude doesn't add up for me, neither do your actions for that matter.

Sounds to me like you need to get out of your second marriage. Maybe you want something to act as a cause for it to fail and you are looking for that thing in this girl. The fact that you have been working out has probably rung all sorts of alarm bells for your wife. She will be scrutinizing your every move. So you will get caught, because you have no self awareness. So go ahead, get yourself caught, just make sure you've planned your departure properly.

 

[Rounder]

@ dopexile - The first time around the split was due to money - my ex spent crazy amounts and I took her plastic away and she had an allowance in cash each week. She was not ready to be married (me either probably).

@ Mr. Me - had a long talk with the wife last night - I've realized what I need is more attention from her, more attention without my stepson around.

@ MotownMack - thank you for your input, I will take what you said and seriously consider it. I need my ass kicked - no doubt.

@ MacAvoy - yes I am - started playing online poker almost 10 years ago. I used the handle Rounder in a bunch of online games (Battlefield, BF2, CoD, etc) with buddies and been using it ever since.

@ ElChoclo - I have been very confused the last couple of weeks. This situation has brought some attention to the things I've been lacking in my married relationship. I plan to address those.

I worked out in the fall of 2006 with a personal trainer and had great results. Unfortunately I got lazy most of 2007 and gained most of the weight back. Now I'm back on track doing exactly what I was then and the changes are coming quickly. My wife and I go to the same gym and we have an elliptical at the house - exercise and weight loss is nothing new around here.

I appreciate all the responses - yes I need my ass kicked. This forum is incredible - I'll be spending more time here.

 

[Faded Image]

She is weak and loves any attention I give her. Her self confidence is in the toilet. I tease her and control her. I know that she is emotionally involved with me but I doubt she will ever cause any problems for me.

You can believe that if you want to.

Now on to you:

I hate being negative, but your best bet is to divorce your wife.

You're always going to play second fiddle to her son and you'll never be happy.

You've already cheated on your wife and don't give me bs line that you didn't have sex with her. You're a married man and you spent the night in a hotel room with another women. That's cheating my friend regardless of how you look at.

Love is a violent emotion especially when it's betrayed and you've betrayed it.

 

[Rounder]

IYou've already cheated on your wife and don't give me bs line that you didn't have sex with her. You're a married man and you spent the night in a hotel room with another women. That's cheating my friend regardless of how you look at.

Hell yes it's cheating, I simply stated we did not have sex.

Up until this girl gave me attention I was fine. Then I felt like I was suddenly missing something and I realized I was. I've been confused the last couple of weeks.

Thank you for being honest.

And yes I'm terrified this temp might cause problems for me.

 

[Faded Image]

You've been divorced before and so have I. That's why you have to think long and hard before you come to a conclusion.

You have to weigh all of your options and make a decision that best benefits you. Do you want to stay married and continue seeing this other chick or do you want things to work out with your wife and kick the other girl to the curb?

What I meant in the last statement in my post above is that even though everything seems cool now, they can quickly erupt without warnings like volcanoes. It can either come from you wife if she finds out about the other girl or it can come from the other girl once she realizes that you're not leaving you wife.

What ever you do, make the decision based on what benefits you and not what I think (divorce) or anybody else here.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Rounder,
Buddy I do feel for ya, you are in quite a pickle. My view from this foxhole? Divorce your wife. You aren't happy. That's obvious if you are out playing with a temp for some attention. If you and the Mrs. can't communicate needs on that level, then it isn't going to get better. You'd be better alone that together and unhappy. Then of course there's the temp issue. I'm not going to pass judgement cause I've played while in a relationship as well. It did make me realize though that I didn't have respect for the girl I was with, and that as soon as I did that it was over.

I've got a good buddy that had his wife cheat on him. He won't leave because he's afraid of pulling the eject handle. I honestly don't know how he's able to stand it.

My 2 cents, man up and EJECT. Figure out why you are unhappy, what you need, and then go back to dating once you have a grasp of yourself.

KC

 

[jophil28]

an

I'm 2nd behind him - always have been. I knew that going in and the last 6 months or so I've started to get really tired of it. The time I get real attention from her is when he is with his dad.

Why did yoiu marry her KNOWING that you would NOT be the main man in your wife's life. You are in a romantic "triangle " of a different kind and your rival is your stepson...bad situation .
Women who fawn over their sons like this often step over the line and "romanticize" their relationshoip with their son. They treat the kid like a junior boyfriend and create a kind of emotional affair with the kid., They "share" moments, dates, thoughts and feelings which resemble an adult intimate relationship. THe child is recruited to play a surrogate adult role.
One of the early red flags is the almost total removal of discipline, rules, piunishment and reprimands by the mother in her dealings with her son. SHe creates a 'cushy" existence for her child, hoping (deep down ) to hold onto him for life ,but expects the new HUSBAND to bend and adapt to this situation without challenge or question.

Am I getting warm ?

 

[Rounder]

Am I getting warm ?

Yes you are - I think you've given a close description but I honestly don't think she is as bad as this sounds. She wants the best for him given the situation that they divorced when he was 4. I am a role model for him and I have my say in the house as well. His has time with his dad about twice a week but they don't spend quality time together, he just plays with his step-siblings. I take him to Scouts, fishing, camping, etc.

She is blind to some of the things that needs to happen with him and she is a helicopter over him. I continually remind her she needs to let go of him more and more - for his benefit. I've explained that he is going to be a man one day and building his independence starts now.

Her mother died suddenly at the age of 62. She has felt cheated of many years of her mother's life and family time is precious to her now.

 

[Latinoman]

Listen...there is a reason I don't date single mothers. They will consider their children NUMBER 1 and you NUMBER 2 and rightfully so (unless her son/daughter are adults, in which case you should be number 1).

You should have known that coming into the marriage. And you did.

Having said that...you still her husband and she cannot neglect YOU as her husband. One thing is making the son #1...another is totally neglecting you and the relationship.

I don't think you should just divorce (I mean, she is not disrespecting you or cheating on you). You should talk with her and make her aware of how unhappy you are.


You do NOT have to take the boy to all those events (is she expecting you to do that?)...but you have to be a role model as you are the man in the house and as such a role model for others to follow in that home.

If after communication, things do not work...so be it.

Concerning the cheating or potential for cheating. I am not going to play the moralistic game. That's your decision. However, you have to understand the consequences of your actions.

 

[Latinoman]

Her mother died suddenly at the age of 62. She has felt cheated of many years of her mother's life and family time is precious to her now.

Who gives a phuck? I mean that...it is not your fault. If anything, it is her drama. I mean, be sympathetic...but, not by compromising your happiness.

That does not justify her behavior to comparmentalize the relationship in a way that makes YOU unhappy. This is a partnership. This is NOT her marriage and her household. This is BOTH of your marriage and both of your household.


By the way...I am also divorced. My ex-wife treated me very well...very faithful. We have two wonderful children. And after several years, I left. Why? Because I was not happy. I tried to work things out...tried for 3-4 years (because we had two children). Was still unhappy...so I left. But I did not leave because of a woman. I left, because I wanted to be happy.

 

[Rounder]

I seriously appreciate all of the responses and input.

No she doesn't expect me to do all of those things with him - but I actually do enjoy time with him. There are plenty of times I don't go to activities but I do make an effort - because I want to and for her and him.

He is a great kid and I do love spending time with him.

I generally get plenty of my own time as well - I do a fair amount of fishing, hiking, camping, kayaking, Jeeping and other stuff in the summer. She realizes I need that time to myself and with friends.

I'm not going to divorce her on a whim. I will try to work through this.

The temp is a mere distraction at the moment. She strokes my ego and makes me feel good. I told her up front I was never getting divorced. She is divorced herself and cheated and is fine with the situation. She will be working here about 6 more weeks and the work for her will run out.

If my wife finds out I can deal with the consequences - worst case is I get divorced - I've been through it before, I can deal with it again.