Marriage question

[BeExcellent]

I’m with @EyeBRollin on this one. You should know by 6 months if the relationship has legs so to speak. You continue vetting of course as you go.

My first husband proposed about 5 months in, we were married 6 weeks later, although we had already known each other 3 years or so before we started dating. That relationship lasted about 20 years and we had 3 kids. An intact family is important for child rearing I don’t care what anybody says & statistically this bears out. Nuclear families are more stable.

My current husband proposed 9 months in, moved in at 10 months and we got married at 26 months.

My son has been with his gf 4.5years and expects to propose after college graduation next spring. I’m not sure what they are thinking about length of engagement but he will have orders so it might be sooner rather than later.

You have to know what you are looking for and what you value. In a partner & for your life. Your choice of partner to marry is a choice that will have far reaching consequences.

Choose wisely & well.

 

[BoomToTheMoonAlice]

Getting married makes you blood relatives?
The entirety of Gen Z has unwed parents?
Having children out of wedlock makes you trans?

How are you 43 and holding these ridiculous opinions?
More importantly, why are you even here?

You don't necessarily have to be married to make them.

I'm here to meet people my own age who understand what the hell I'm talking about.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

This idea that kids grow up better with parents who are married is ridiculous and totally unfounded, the basis of it is that children raised by single parents are typically incredibly messed up, something like 70% of men raised by single mothers end up in jail at some point, however to make a statement of comparison of "Hey, that didn't happen so this is better than that" and to conflate single parent statistics with people who aren't married is just dishonest, plain and simple.

Look up statistics of kids who go through divorces and tell me that's any better, 50% of couples get divorced and that doesn't exclude the ones with kids. Divorce is hard on children. Marriage is simply a legal status, anything else is some blue pill nonsense.

I don't condone single parenthood at all, but raising your kid together without being married is statistically no different than being married, the only exception being those ones don't go through ugly divorces. Even a general separation won't leave one side disenfranchised like a divorce will and if it does, well, make it work I guess or don't, but either way court intervention without a divorce is fine.

Being perfectly honest, most kids general make up is 90% complete past toddlerhood outside of experiencing trauma, kids are resilient to general struggle, it's the coddling that creates dependency. A child's trajection being messed up at the age of 2 seems totally unrealistic but that's exactly where the problematic years lay, mainly in socializing, if your child isn't used to being around other children by the age of 3-4 you have doomed your child to be a social outcast for life. This is where the problems of single parenthood lay and create the foundations for further problems to occur. Marriage does nothing for you here unless it's allowing you to be a part of a community which you can do without being married. This is directly related to poverty and coddling, both of which have nothing to do with the parents being married or not.

 

[LTG71]

Kids grow up better when there is stability in their lives. They model what they observe and what they receive from their parents. Monkey see, monkey do. Toddlers are not able to speak but they are able to observe and listen. If they are confronted with chaos and fear, they will be imprinted with attachment issues. A couple could be married but a complete sh!t show. Their kids would not fair out well with all this turmoil. Single parents should not be disqualified if they are providing a healthy environment. I know a few single dads that have sole custody and it makes you wonder, how sh!tty was his wife that he got the kids?

 

[jamesfromhouston]

I see a few of your mentioned marriage material. What makes a someone marriage material? What's the criteria?

 

[CornbreadFed]

I see a few of your mentioned marriage material. What makes a someone marriage material? What's the criteria?

Depends on the man. I see men locking down women that I would only use for recreational use only or not even stick my weenie in.

 

[obelisk]

This idea that kids grow up better with parents who are married is ridiculous and totally unfounded, the basis of it is that children raised by single parents are typically incredibly messed up, something like 70% of men raised by single mothers end up in jail at some point, however to make a statement of comparison of "Hey, that didn't happen so this is better than that" and to conflate single parent statistics with people who aren't married is just dishonest, plain and simple.

Look up statistics of kids who go through divorces and tell me that's any better, 50% of couples get divorced and that doesn't exclude the ones with kids. Divorce is hard on children. Marriage is simply a legal status, anything else is some blue pill nonsense.

I don't condone single parenthood at all, but raising your kid together without being married is statistically no different than being married, the only exception being those ones don't go through ugly divorces. Even a general separation won't leave one side disenfranchised like a divorce will and if it does, well, make it work I guess or don't, but either way court intervention without a divorce is fine.

Being perfectly honest, most kids general make up is 90% complete past toddlerhood outside of experiencing trauma, kids are resilient to general struggle, it's the coddling that creates dependency. A child's trajection being messed up at the age of 2 seems totally unrealistic but that's exactly where the problematic years lay, mainly in socializing, if your child isn't used to being around other children by the age of 3-4 you have doomed your child to be a social outcast for life. This is where the problems of single parenthood lay and create the foundations for further problems to occur. Marriage does nothing for you here unless it's allowing you to be a part of a community which you can do without being married. This is directly related to poverty and coddling, both of which have nothing to do with the parents being married or not.

This is actually a good point that really gets glossed over regarding the impact of marriage on children. We often argue it from the point of children needing two parents and thus they should be married. Children need both parents living together to provide a stable, united home front. Marriage is the most normal way for that to occur.

This is definitely an area of society that needs to be discussed with new eyes as to how to make this happen in light of how punitive and destructive divorce and family court is on men and children. The feminist hivemind has no intention of letting go of the purse strings and chains though. It is one way to redistribute wealth and control to the government and out of the hands of fathers. Men are walking away from marriage for good reason. Not sure what the middle ground is given cohabitation laws currently.

 

[obelisk]

With regards to time to marriage, you also need to be conscious of the flip side. If you're getting 6/12/24 months into a relationship where you're seeking marriage and you still aren't comfortable with potentially marrying that person then you really need to consider cutting ties and walking away. Too many guys (and women to be fair) ignore their gut instinct, think things will improve and then get engaged/wife up the girl because they can't cope with the idea of tossing away 1-2 yrs of their time on the wrong woman.

 

[Manure Spherian]

This is definitely an area of society that needs to be discussed with new eyes as to how to make this happen in light of how punitive and destructive divorce and family court is on men and children.

Stardusk put out a great video this week on the topic.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a lot of people are still living off the Boomer's Golden Era. It is time to swallow the fact that this period in human history was unique and everything is just going back to how it was. Marriage and dating in general have always been the hardest on the bottom 90% of men. I read a thing that the US lead the world in divorces in 1913 or something, so bad marriages aren't a recent thing. One of the first things you read in the Bible is about toxic female manipulation behavior. All of this crap isn't new, it was just temporarily buried.

 

[Barrister]

At a minimum, I would say you should date 1 year prior to getting married. Typically, your "honeymoon phase" will last at least six months where you feel like everything is golden. Letting that wear off a bit and seeing how it plays out is smart. Keep in mind that there are certain events in an LTR that can happen and you can't control how it impacts your relationship - the biggest and most common one being moving in together.

You can have vetted a woman 100% and as soon as you move in together negative issues will pop up that you can't really know for sure will arise. Same thing with a marriage. Same thing with having kids. Etc. Etc.

 

[Barrister]

Lies. Marriage is just a business contract, to raise children you don't have to be married. And what you referring to "out of wedlock" is a women getting pregnant from a guy who doesn't want anything with her. A contract doesn't tell you how good you're gonna raise children.

He is right. But that is only part of the story. And the fact a "contract" exists is immaterial.

Children raised in healthy marriage (or long-term LTR) are generally more happy than ones that aren't. However, I would say children raised in a nasty marriage (or LTR) where the couple is constantly at each other's throat are probably going to be worse off than being raised in a single parent household without that conflict present.

 

[Barrister]

Yeah don't know man, I think a piece of paper changes people, they get complacent, women start to let themselves go (also men) and then everything goes to $hit.

I am certainly not saying that doesn't happen. It does. For both sides.

But if we are talking about the children specifically, they will be better off in a long-term (healthy) LTR/marriage than with only one parent.

 

[The Duke]

I've got a 22yo half white/half black niece. Same ole story... black daddy ran off, raised by single white mom. She has major issues with masculine males. Struggles to respect male leadership. She has looked to me as a solid male because that is one thing she has never had in her life. Very sad what happens when two parents don't raise their off spring like they should. That absent father has scarred her for life. Lots of fear there.