Obsidian said:
Have you read Anti-Dump's Machine yet?
I read some of his stuff several years back, yes. It is funny, because I knew alot of this stuff, but it didn't really keep me from making stupid mistakes when I should have known better. I knew the theory, but when the moment came about 90% of it went right out the window. The remaining 10% insured that I would attract one kind of woman- the wrong kind. Now that I am older, and have some ugly experiences under my belt, I'm a lot better at doing this naturally. I'm an *******. I'm a lovable *******, but I'm an ******* none the less.
I am very conflicted, however, because I am now in a relationship with a girl who really is a saint. I've been with her for about a year and things have been very smooth throughout the relationship. I care for her, and I don't want to hurt her... but the truth is that I am not in love with her. For all logic and reason, I should be. We have great conversations together, we have compatible taste and very similar philosophical ideals. She is very well educated (masters degree in english literature), and she is a tall (5'10"), vivacious redhead with a sharp wit and a compassionate heart. The sex is satisfying, although not quite as 'hot' or 'dirty' as I have had in the past. She is a 'nice' girl, after all, which is fine. This is everything that I've ever wanted or expected in a woman and more. The problem is the timing.
After everything that I have been through, I havn't had enough time to myself to really work on the things that I want to work on- namly me. I don't want to have to spend all of my time and resources on providing for a female. I am not ready to settle down and have a family. Maybe this is my age talking and maybe I am being a selfish ****, but it does not change what is in my heart. I believe that I still have alot to see and do while my feet can still carry me. I was almost traped once (twice, actually) and I managed out of it by dumb luck and the good mercy of god almighty. How many more chances have I got left to live my life?
MY life-- not the hopeful expectations of someone elses' delusions of how I should be for their sake.
This is why I said that my greatest desire was to humble myself. At this point in my life I would be perfectly happy living in a mud hut in the mountians, practicing martial arts and living a life of quiet solitude. Sometimes I actually think it would be great to simply 'walk the Earth' like cain from Kung Fu. To be free from all the vanity of the modern world. To be pure, humble... alone. However, maybe this, too, is vanity as well.