Making friends and having a social life

[LightOfVictory]

Hi guys, im having trouble making new friends and finding friends in general.

I do think it has something to do with my internal vibe. Just wanted to find out how i can go about to find the thing thats causing this.

I have realised that i do have judgemental attitudes towards people. I feel insecure with my lack of social life. I mean i make frens when i can. I shy away from big social gatherings in which i feel my value is threathened.
I fear the judgement of people who ask me what do i do in my free time. It seems that everyone is going out to places, clubbing,retreats, parties and what not. They seem to know all the big brand names and the cool places in the city, cool foods, drinks, etc..

Writing all this, i do ask myself this? why do i even care? But the fact is that i do have that feeling in my gut of not being enough when it comes to this area. What are the actions i can take to slowly improve myself? I do feel that its my feeling towards this that is causing the problem.

 

[twentee]

Read books by Nathaniel Brandon. THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SELF ESTEEM, HONORING THE SELF, THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM.

 

[LightOfVictory]

Thanks. I have been approaching and going on dates but it seems that this part of my life is not taken care of. I dont want the cool friends or anything like that, but just people who i can chill with. I have never ever dated a girl through normal means, aka meeting them through friends or in normal social settings. Everything has coe from cold approach. While i do feel more in control of my life, i want to get this friend thing handled too.

 

[Kbomb]

helps to have hobbies, be in school, etc. Basically be around people you can start some cameraderie with.

 

[Eternal_water]

Wow you sound like a clone of me. It literally felt like me typing that.

Espscially when it came to "I fear the judgement of people who ask me what do i do in my free time. "

I'm going to watch these answers with interest but small hope. I have asked this question on many forums and never really got something helpful

 

[ItsAllAboutMe]

Making friends is very easy, making friends that are real and that you actually like is actually hard.

I have probably one best mate and he and me have been mates since we were 5 and we still hang a lot at now age 23.

From my perspective if you wanted to be my "friend" I would hope your down to approach or at least open to the idea, not type of guy who puts down another dude to get the "girl" doesn't work anyway, always positive eg: approach didn't work you won't be like bro see that **** never works ... that is bad, basically to sum it a good bloke. You get my drift

 

[Chamber36]

I think I may be able to add something helpful. All these problems stem from your ego. Kill it. The ego is what causes your analysis paralysis. You judging yourself, your thoughts, others, judging what others think of you or themselves.

Just let everyone else do their own thing. Let them party and have fun what-not. You should be primarily concerned with yourself. I don't mean that from an egotistical POV, but in this world everyone is better off when they don't feel the judgement of others. You could also call it "evil eye" if you like. Jealousy, envy, hate, distrust, a lack of respect, these are all forms of evil eye. Your fear of judgement is a form of evil eye.

If you set your boundaries right you will not worry about other's judgements. They will lack validity. You give others too much credit. If you pay close attention you will notice that most people just say populistic crap in order to be liked because they're primarily concerned with what other people think of them and their egoes instead of being concerned with just enjoying life and making the best of any situation. Have fun, tease, belittle. Life is not such a serious matter. It's a dance, a song. An artwork. Life is a manifestation of nature, and we are all part of nature. The ego, partying, social ranking and all these things are parts of nature, whether they are "good" or "bad"(both being relative).

I have tinnitus, a constant ringing in my ears, which means I can't go clubbing anymore. So I don't know about all the hot clubs in my city either, and all my friends go out too. I still have trouble coping, because I(or my ego) want recognition from babes that I am a catch.

You need to set your own standards for yourself. Don't worry about other people's standards. You should only compare yourself with yourself.

BTW, in the midst of my most recent analysis paralysis, I started reading Psychocybernetics, and just the first 30 pages or so already set me straight for the most part. So if you want to try a book, try that book.

 

[LightOfVictory]

@ Eternal Water : Yeah Man!

@ ItsAllAboutME : I dont tell anyone i do this. Only a few male friends who are non-judgemental and my 2 female frens who give me advice. I say dont tell anyone and just do it on ur own. I approach on my own and i can tell u that its hard but worth it.

@Chamber36 : Yup ur right. In fact, i wrote this post today cause i felt judged by this gal i was out with. This ego wil keep coming and out. I also recommend eckhart tolle stuff and krishnamurthi. Ego killers. To be really secure in urself, even when the entire world around u are judging u on ur 'cool' life, giving u the impression that ur a loser and whatnot, that is truly real confidence i think.

 

[Chamber36]

I never got so into Eckhart Tolle, but I have listened to hours of Krishnamurti's talks. Having dabbled a bit in psychedelic mushrooms I could sort of understand what he speaks of. I got a little overworked studying game and krishnamurti all the time, eventually I stumbled on a few vids by UG krishnamurti, also an "enlightened" individual, and he basically preaches a zen-like state of awareness, but nothing special. He says he searched for enlightenment for so many years and eventually found out he had wasted his time.

So I am now on to Alan Watts, who really is concise. Mostly his proverbs and metaphors stick in my head.

For example he speaks of a guru who says that anyone who approaches him asking for the answer ought to be beaten with a stick, because only one who has detracted from the essence of life would be searching for answers like this. Most happy people, "naturals", don't even care about spiritual knowledge but they are happy because they enjoy life. They haven't strayed as far as we have to think that we need so much help.

It's like if you go to a psychiatrist you automatically brand yourself someone who ought to have their head examined. You must be, or else you wouldn't visit a psychiatrist.

So I guess happiness in simplicity is what it's about. Humbleness. Sincerity. Appreciation.

Don't worry about those who are ahead of you in the rat race. Work on yourself. I am gonna hit the gym in a few minutes, so I can look forward to a better buffer future.

With this comes a danger though. The more you work on yourself the more your ego will chase up on you. So no matter how far you make it, how strong, rich, desired, whatever you may become, remember to remind yourself that you are simply a human being and you try to make the best decisions you can, just like everyone else. We are all part of the same fungus on this rock we call earth.

 

[casaanova]

I never got so into Eckhart Tolle, but I have listened to hours of Krishnamurti's talks. Having dabbled a bit in psychedelic mushrooms I could sort of understand what he speaks of. I got a little overworked studying game and krishnamurti all the time, eventually I stumbled on a few vids by UG krishnamurti, also an "enlightened" individual, and he basically preaches a zen-like state of awareness, but nothing special. He says he searched for enlightenment for so many years and eventually found out he had wasted his time.

So I am now on to Alan Watts, who really is concise. Mostly his proverbs and metaphors stick in my head.

For example he speaks of a guru who says that anyone who approaches him asking for the answer ought to be beaten with a stick, because only one who has detracted from the essence of life would be searching for answers like this. Most happy people, "naturals", don't even care about spiritual knowledge but they are happy because they enjoy life. They haven't strayed as far as we have to think that we need so much help.

It's like if you go to a psychiatrist you automatically brand yourself someone who ought to have their head examined. You must be, or else you wouldn't visit a psychiatrist.

So I guess happiness in simplicity is what it's about. Humbleness. Sincerity. Appreciation.

Don't worry about those who are ahead of you in the rat race. Work on yourself. I am gonna hit the gym in a few minutes, so I can look forward to a better buffer future.

With this comes a danger though. The more you work on yourself the more your ego will chase up on you. So no matter how far you make it, how strong, rich, desired, whatever you may become, remember to remind yourself that you are simply a human being and you try to make the best decisions you can, just like everyone else. We are all part of the same fungus on this rock we call earth.

Beautiful.