Making a hard decision

[LastManstanding]

Hello Guys,

I wanted to come clean on some issues going on in my life. As long as I can remember I have had to sit back and watch my entire family ruin their lives on drugs. 3 years ago I cut ties with my mother. She is enabled by my grandma and will not be able to get help she needs for herion/crack addiction. It hurt a lot but keeping my distance from her helps me feel better than I had in the past.

Everything has been fine for the past few years. Been in a few relationships, a lot of flings, and I'm on my way to finishing my engineering degree(junior). My parents were never married but somehow they share the same issues. My dad has been the man to raise me, but now that I'm not around his drug addiction has taken over his life. His doctor reduced the pain medication he was recieving and he and his brother have turned to heroin as well.

Both of them spend their days working full time and spending every dollar on drugs, neglecting everything else. Both are gambling with their lives daily.

Back to me. I been seeing this girl while I been trying to deal with this. In the beginning things were great, as she was the chaser and her IL was through the roof. We started dating and things were good. I was happy and was having great sex with someone who adored me.

I tried my best to hide my depression from her but she realized something was wrong with me. She had surgery, that she told me about, and I was so depressed that I neglected to contact her until I get a text two days after saying "thanks for checking on me etc." I responded and told her that I was dealing with family issues that I was having a hard time coping with. Up until I broke up with her I felt her animosity toward me. I know that hurt her but I tried to make it up. It honestly left me frustrated that I couldn't just be forgiven and things go back to normal. She was too distant so I stayed distant too. Truth is I wanted her there for me, but I never fished for it.

This week I made a big decision. I wrote my father a long letter telling him how I felt and that I no longer wanted to see him until I had the means to get him treatment. I told him to keep the money that he owes me ~$500 and I blocked all forms of contact with him.

This has been the hardest thing I ever had to do. He is the last family member of that generation I had. Not a day will go by that I don't miss him.

As for my GF I was just fed up. She used to stay 2-3 nights a week but for the past 2 weeks I seen her once (she left in middle of night) and we barely talked at all since she got angry over me not checking on her. After mailing the letter I took a bag of her stuff to her work. Dropped it off in front of her and left.

She sent me messages calling me every name she could and told me how everyone at work thought I was a p**** for not breaking up with her like a man. I feel bad for neglecting her but all she had to do was stop playing games. It's over and done, but somehow I feel like if I wasn't depressed I would have been a better bf.

This is the hardest time of my life. I don't want to identify with my dad's addiction anymore. I want to be happy again and have someone love me for my happy non-depressed self. I'm ready to feel better. Whatever words of encouragement and advice would help tremendously. Thank you for reading my story

 

[marmel75]

Happiness starts with yourself and the person you see in the mirror, and you don't like that person very much at all.

You need to begin by learning how to like yourself first. Then you'll realize that you don't need to get your validation through others.

 

[LastManstanding]

Thank you marvel. You are right. There are so many negative emotions going through my mind. I want to love myself again. It's hard when you running out of support. I miss my dad, but I have let his problems get in the way of my happiness.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

That's too bad mate. Sounds like a tough gig. You're doing the right thing. At the end of the day, you could give up your life trying to help others, but you'll be unhappy in the long run. Offer them a bit of your time every so often, but that's about all. Certainly not any more money. A clean break is probably best for now though.

Regards your GF/exGF, it's tough to be with someone when you've got all this other sh!t going on affecting you. I've seen it with other guys; they end up treating friends and girlfriends badly, even though they don't mean to. It's just stress transference. Build yourself back up first, go out and have fun

It's true what marmel said; happiness comes from within, first of all. And love is only ever to be given, not taken. Only when you love and respect yourself can you expect to receive it from others.

 

[LastManstanding]

Thank you monkey king. Yeah I feel guilty for the way I pushed her away but I am not able to treat someone right until I can treat myself right

 

[dude99]

Hello Guys,

I wanted to come clean on some issues going on in my life. As long as I can remember I have had to sit back and watch my entire family ruin their lives on drugs. 3 years ago I cut ties with my mother. She is enabled by my grandma and will not be able to get help she needs for herion/crack addiction. It hurt a lot but keeping my distance from her helps me feel better than I had in the past.

Everything has been fine for the past few years. Been in a few relationships, a lot of flings, and I'm on my way to finishing my engineering degree(junior). My parents were never married but somehow they share the same issues. My dad has been the man to raise me, but now that I'm not around his drug addiction has taken over his life. His doctor reduced the pain medication he was recieving and he and his brother have turned to heroin as well.

Both of them spend their days working full time and spending every dollar on drugs, neglecting everything else. Both are gambling with their lives daily.

Back to me. I been seeing this girl while I been trying to deal with this. In the beginning things were great, as she was the chaser and her IL was through the roof. We started dating and things were good. I was happy and was having great sex with someone who adored me.

I tried my best to hide my depression from her but she realized something was wrong with me. She had surgery, that she told me about, and I was so depressed that I neglected to contact her until I get a text two days after saying "thanks for checking on me etc." I responded and told her that I was dealing with family issues that I was having a hard time coping with. Up until I broke up with her I felt her animosity toward me. I know that hurt her but I tried to make it up. It honestly left me frustrated that I couldn't just be forgiven and things go back to normal. She was too distant so I stayed distant too. Truth is I wanted her there for me, but I never fished for it.

This week I made a big decision. I wrote my father a long letter telling him how I felt and that I no longer wanted to see him until I had the means to get him treatment. I told him to keep the money that he owes me ~$500 and I blocked all forms of contact with him.

This has been the hardest thing I ever had to do. He is the last family member of that generation I had. Not a day will go by that I don't miss him.

As for my GF I was just fed up. She used to stay 2-3 nights a week but for the past 2 weeks I seen her once (she left in middle of night) and we barely talked at all since she got angry over me not checking on her. After mailing the letter I took a bag of her stuff to her work. Dropped it off in front of her and left.

She sent me messages calling me every name she could and told me how everyone at work thought I was a p**** for not breaking up with her like a man. I feel bad for neglecting her but all she had to do was stop playing games. It's over and done, but somehow I feel like if I wasn't depressed I would have been a better bf.

This is the hardest time of my life. I don't want to identify with my dad's addiction anymore. I want to be happy again and have someone love me for my happy non-depressed self. I'm ready to feel better. Whatever words of encouragement and advice would help tremendously. Thank you for reading my story

It is true. Their toxic behaviour will drag you down and no matter how mentally strong you are it will hurt. I had an alcoholic father and when i was 20 i had to cut him out of my life because his toxic behaviour was effecting me the way your dads drug abuse effects you.

The thing you have to realise is their problem isn't your fault. You are responsible for your behaviour.... not theirs. Don't blame yourself or let guilt sink in, because it will and the you will start to justify their toxic behaviour and then you will be stuck in the depressed rut.

Cutting toxic people out of your lives is also sometimes the push they need to get the help they need to put themselves back together. If you don't then you too are enabling them.

It is tough. It will be a long road. You will be tested. Do your best to stay strong.

As for the chick next her. If she didn't understand you're dealing with one of the most mentally tough times in your life then she is only going to get in the way of your self improvement.

 

[LastManstanding]

It is true. Their toxic behaviour will drag you down and no matter how mentally strong you are it will hurt. I had an alcoholic father and when i was 20 i had to cut him out of my life because his toxic behaviour was effecting me the way your dads drug abuse effects you.

The thing you have to realise is their problem isn't your fault. You are responsible for your behaviour.... not theirs. Don't blame yourself or let guilt sink in, because it will and the you will start to justify their toxic behaviour and then you will be stuck in the depressed rut.

Cutting toxic people out of your lives is also sometimes the push they need to get the help they need to put themselves back together. If you don't then you too are enabling them.

It is tough. It will be a long road. You will be tested. Do your best to stay strong.

As for the chick next her. If she didn't understand you're dealing with one of the most mentally tough times in your life then she is only going to get in the way of your self improvement.

Thank you dude. I feel very lonely and have been sleeping a lot. I had a hell of a good well being and confidence rush for a long time. It disappeared completely after mailing that letter. I know it will come back. I have to root it in something else

 

[dude99]

Thank you dude. I feel very lonely and have been sleeping a lot. I had a hell of a good well being and confidence rush for a long time. It disappeared completely after mailing that letter. I know it will come back. I have to root it in something else

Indeed. Route it in yourself. Hit the gym. Lift. Start running. Start writing a book. Do a marathon, study martial arts. Date chicks

Self improvement is a great way to deal with it.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Build hobbies other than studying for engineering all day. Increase your fitness level to up your health hormones. That can in turn affect how you feel (athletic people tend to be happier and nore resilient to thongs such as depression). Hang out with high quality people because you do eventually become who you hang out with.

And most of all, take pride in yourself. Look at you: you have a mother who cares more about drugs then her son, a dad who succumbed to the same fate, and according to you, this is just a trend amongst ypur entire family. But guess who was strong enough and tough enough to stand against the same fate? Look at who was able to put himself through college, go down one of the hardest educational feilds there are (engineering)? Look at who was strong enough to go against the grain of his emotions and cut off contact with those who mean the most to him to better himself?

You.

How many people do you know are able to do that? How many people do you even know who HAVE done that, or anything remotely similar? Where others fail and give in to the pressure of those around them, you have not. You are the last man standing. Remember this. Take pride in who you are.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

What are you made of?

 

[Desdinova]

You've been making all the right decisions to get your life on track.

When I began my journey, I had to figure out how to deal with all the issues my parents had. One was abusive and belonged to a religious cult. The other wasted his money on booze, gambling, cigarettes and became problematic when I became an adult. I highly suggest you pick up the book Toxic Parents and start there. It really helped me learn to deal with what my parents are like and the fact that they'll never change. It covers a lot of issues that problematic parents have, including drug and alcohol abuse.

Now, as for your ex-gf...

She had surgery, that she told me about, and I was so depressed that I neglected to contact her until I get a text two days after saying "thanks for checking on me etc." I responded and told her that I was dealing with family issues that I was having a hard time coping with. Up until I broke up with her I felt her animosity toward me. I know that hurt her but I tried to make it up. It honestly left me frustrated that I couldn't just be forgiven and things go back to normal. She was too distant so I stayed distant too. Truth is I wanted her there for me, but I never fished for it.

When a woman actually cares about you, you don't have to fish for her attention. She will go out of her way to make things better for you and she won't give up.

This bytch made everything about her. You have things you're dealing with and she needs to understand that. She obviously couldn't, so you had every right to kick her to the curb. There are women out there who will be much more caring. The problem is trying to find them. You'll have to put yourself out there, meet a lot of women, and weed out the terrible ones. It will be hit or miss... mostly miss.

But you're certainly on the right path to fixing your life, making it better, and becoming the best you that you can be.

 

[dude99]

You've been making all the right decisions to get your life on track.

When I began my journey, I had to figure out how to deal with all the issues my parents had. One was abusive and belonged to a religious cult. The other wasted his money on booze, gambling, cigarettes and became problematic when I became an adult. I highly suggest you pick up the book Toxic Parents and start there. It really helped me learn to deal with what my parents are like and the fact that they'll never change. It covers a lot of issues that problematic parents have, including drug and alcohol abuse.

Now, as for your ex-gf...



When a woman actually cares about you, you don't have to fish for her attention. She will go out of her way to make things better for you and she won't give up.

This bytch made everything about her. You have things you're dealing with and she needs to understand that. She obviously couldn't, so you had every right to kick her to the curb. There are women out there who will be much more caring. The problem is trying to find them. You'll have to put yourself out there, meet a lot of women, and weed out the terrible ones. It will be hit or miss... mostly miss.

But you're certainly on the right path to fixing your life, making it better, and becoming the best you that you can be.

Thanks for the book suggestion toxic parents. Even though my father died about 20 years ago it is a book i am going to check out.

 

[Von]

I believe you on the right track. If you mobile, I would even suggest you to move somewhere so far and different that you won't bump this toxicity again until you strong enough.

The advises here are good for you.

I'll add my 2cents about something you did... that letter.

5 years ago my bestfriend took his own life. He was someone I adored, a brother... people thought we were twins or a couple... he would come to my house dressed the same has me without consulting each other, for many people he was perfect (built like a firefighter, getting in medical school, all the girls running at him). He was however troubled and I knew but kept it inside. We would even complete each other sentences.

The day he died, I had a feeling something happened. Found out I was right.

Felt like **** for years, my girlfriend of then helped me put the pieces together.

Where I am going with this? A letter

Became got single, had some life decision to make, was still thinking about that night crying and **** (me who never cried according to my parents)

Than I remembered a tv show with Georges St-Pierre (UFC welterweight champs) when he lost versus Matt Serra and how he was seeing a psychologist to deal with it

The psychologist said this: Write a letter on a brick, everything that makes you sad, angry, obsessed, mat serra.

Write a letter tape it to the brick and throw it in a river. Let go of all this obsessive anger.

I wrote a letter about that night/my feelings/my obsession and what I wanted him to be proud of about me.

I wrote it and threw it in a river.

Since my life been much better on this issue. I carried the weight better, with more confidence but also more optimism.

My 2cent is you should do the same... about the toxicity, the ex, your negative points in life. Write also how you'll overcome it

 

[LastManstanding]

It is true. Their toxic behaviour will drag you down and no matter how mentally strong you are it will hurt. I had an alcoholic father and when i was 20 i had to cut him out of my life because his toxic behaviour was effecting me the way your dads drug abuse effects you.

The thing you have to realise is their problem isn't your fault. You are responsible for your behaviour.... not theirs. Don't blame yourself or let guilt sink in, because it will and the you will start to justify their toxic behaviour and then you will be stuck in the depressed rut.

Cutting toxic people out of your lives is also sometimes the push they need to get the help they need to put themselves back together. If you don't then you too are enabling them.

It is tough. It will be a long road. You will be tested. Do your best to stay strong.

As for the chick next her. If she didn't understand you're dealing with one of the most mentally tough times in your life then she is only going to get in the way of your self improvement.

Thank you sir. I'm very scared about what is going to happen to him but I feel like it's just negativity telling me everything that can go wrong

 

[dude99]

Thank you sir. I'm very scared about what is going to happen to him but I feel like it's just negativity telling me everything that can go wrong

It will be a worry. I won't lie. But remember he is responsible for his own actions. This is the guilt i warned you about well .

 

[LastManstanding]

Thank you for your encouraging words Desdinova, Dude99, and Von. I felt the need to bring up this scenario in my life on this forum because it involved a breakup at the same time. I cry in the shower every morning and wish that I could help him get better. Every day gets easier because he is out of sight and mind and I am starting to realize that to grow you have to leave those that don't share your values behind.

It's hard.... Relationships and even friendships. I have this ideal in my mind of how I want to be treated and I have shown "0" patience for anything else. I just want to be left alone and allowed to work my ass off then have someone to "relax with." It seems like when a woman knows that she isn't your #1 priority she will sabatoge the relationship until your new #1 priority is recovering what they messed up. I can't do that, there aren't enough days. I'm ready to reach the next stage. I see a pattern here and I am sick of it. Thank you all for your time.

 

[dude99]

Thank you for your encouraging words Desdinova, Dude99, and Von. I felt the need to bring up this scenario in my life on this forum because it involved a breakup at the same time. I cry in the shower every morning and wish that I could help him get better. Every day gets easier because he is out of sight and mind and I am starting to realize that to grow you have to leave those that don't share your values behind.

It's hard.... Relationships and even friendships. I have this ideal in my mind of how I want to be treated and I have shown "0" patience for anything else. I just want to be left alone and allowed to work my ass off then have someone to "relax with." It seems like when a woman knows that she isn't your #1 priority she will sabatoge the relationship until your new #1 priority is recovering what they messed up. I can't do that, there aren't enough days. I'm ready to reach the next stage. I see a pattern here and I am sick of it. Thank you all for your time.

Some women are just hardwired to do just that. Sabatoge the releationship. When you have a woman who is looking for entertainement and not a relationship, it won't matter how great a guy you are, they will create drama and problems where there aren't any because that is what they believe a relationship is.

Deal with yourself. Get yourself on track and get your head and emotions back to where they should be. This issue with your dad is just what a selfi c*nt or cluster b would salavate at to get their hands on you and put you through the ringer. You will be emotionally vulnerable for a while. Don't let any selfish girl like your ex exploit that.