Major revelation, ex has personality disorder??

[SmoothTalker]

Hey DJ's, just wanted to share something, and maybe get some input on if my diagnosis makes sense.

I read up on histrionic and borderline personality disorders today, and I'm getting a sickly strong feeling that she has them. Perhaps some of you remember previous posts about her that described some of the behaviour that makes me think this.

Here's a quick summery.

Borderline symptoms:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Check, she always use to be afraid of me leaving/cheating when she had absolutely no reason to think I would.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. Yep, she absolutely loves me some days, can't stand me other days. Hell sometimes the shift can happen within a matter of minutes.


Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Not sure about this one but she does alternate from "I hate myself nobody loves me" to "I'm hot stuff and can do much better than you".


Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Not too bad in this one.. She lost her virginity sort of early and has had a few partners, but certainly nothing out of the ordinary. She did have mild anorexia but no substance abuse I'm aware of. Bit of a compulsive shopper.


Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.
Haven't noticed any suicidal behaviour but she has made a passing threat a few times. Use to cut herself but stopped before we started dating. Ironically her other symptoms got worse when this improved.


Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Yep, tons of mood swings and unexplicable irritability.

Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness. Can't really comment.

Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms OOOh hell yeah, walking on eggshells.



Now histrionic:
Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention. Not sure about this one, she likes attention but is often not the center of it.


Interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior. Yes, guys always think she's flirting even when she isn't. Not really a slut, more of a taese.

Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions. Changes faster than I can keep track of sometimes.

Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self. Not really, she doesn't even wear much makeup. She's attractive but by no means stunning.

Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail. Can't really say I've noticed this.

Shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion. Sometimes.

Is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances. Extremely. This has always been one of my biggest annoyances with her. No matter what her 'convictions', she will often readily change her mind in the right situation. This is how she has smoked, done weed, kissed a girl, and had a FB relationship with me after saying she's against all those things.


Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are. Hard to say what she considers it. Sometimes she did seem to think we were perfect for each other, but other times it was the opposite.

So what do you guys think, is she a nutcase or just a low interest girl.

It says most people with this were abused, which I'm 99% sure she was not, so that goes against my theory. But she matches so many of the symptoms and even has had problems that are often associated with these disorders, for example depression, anorexia, and cutting.

How effective are treatments for this? I don't want to mess with this crap anymore, but after dating her for a long time, I do truely care about her as a person and don't want to see her screw herself over for the rest of her life. How the hell does one even suggest treatment?

Just had to find myself a headcase....

 

[Solon]

BPD is an interesting disorder, and there are many different levels of it. It can go from weak to incredibly severe. Cognitive behavioral therapy is pretty successful with it, but thats something only a therapist should talk with her about. Honestly she needs to see a therapist. That's my number 1 suggestion. He/she will be able to evaluate her and decide the best course, or medications to help.

In reference to medication. Some SSRI's (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor)like Prozac or welbutrin can help to balance her out.

A book that helped me understand the condition was "I hate you don't leave me". You can find it at any major bookstore in the self improvement section. Since you want her in your life I would get the book. It can help you to help her. Though in the end the choice is all her own.

PS: I have BPD. A very mild case, but none the less I'm pretty textbook in refrence to its symptoms. Prozac gave me the edge to beat it on my own, but for most people that isn't a possibility. Hence me saying the number one thing she should do is see a therapist.

 

[Solon]

Forgot to add.. The book should help you to understand things enough that talking to her about the disorder, and treatment should be a smidge easier. It defiantly won't be easy for her to deal with if she has no prior knowledge of the disorder though. Honestly she will probably be quite insulted unless she has a very open mind. She may fly off the handle, and switch her emotional base quite quickly when its mentioned. So be prepared for that. If you confront her with the facts in a kind, and measured way things will go more smoothly. Have a list of the symptoms there with you. Even if she hates you for doing it the idea will be implanted within her head, and she will probably look it up later when she cools down.

BPD's have a tendancy to blame everyone else for their problems.. Even the condition. So be prepared for that as well. All I can say is good luck really. It's defiantly not an easy road for either side.

 

[SmoothTalker]

Alright, I'll definitely look into that book. Thanks for your input.

Something else I noticed that's sort of interesting is the brain chemistry connection. Specifically, this girl absolutely will not eat any type of sea food, nuts, seeds, or pretty much anything else with Omega-3's. So her levels must be extremely low. And surprise surprise, there has been clinical research showing omega 3's to be fairly effective at treating moderate to sever BPD.

Come to think of it, I think during the time we got along best, I got her to take fish oil supplements because she was trying to lose weight and they help with that. Too bad she didnt' stick with it.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Personality disorders aren't easy to diagnose because they occur on a spectrum, rather than having any defining characteristics. I can think of girls (or people in general) that I've known that share many of the same characteristics as your ex. They may not have personality disorders, but I sure don't like being around them!

There isn't really a nice way to suggest that an ex enters therapy. Your suggestion would do far more harm than good and she will peg you as bitter or unnecessarily cruel, depending on who broke up with who.

Many people exhibit the tendencies you described at one point or another in their maturation process, and it's likely that she'll tone them down or grow out of them before they have a serious impact on her future. Unless you're currently dating her or a family member, it's not really your place to tell her such things. The success of therapy has a large part to do with how willing the subject is to change.

 

[Solon]

Diet is really important in every sense. Though that does show that it sounds a lot like a chemical imbalance that's effecting her. A definite plus since that being balanced out it makes taking on the disorder much easier.

 

[Jeffst1980]

A lack of omega 3's isn't going to have THAT profound an effect on anyone. Supplements are just that--supplements.

 

[KontrollerX]

I'm still amazed at how many Sosuavers have encountered one.

 

[SmoothTalker]

Well I never said Omega 3s would solve everything, but I think research is piling up that they are vital for brain health. And honestly there's the typical north american diet which is low in omega 3's, and then there is hers, which is pretty much completely devoid of them and also ALA which can be converted into them.

I think that would have a pretty significant effect on somebody.

 

[Solon]

A lack of omega 3's isn't going to have THAT profound an effect on anyone. Supplements are just that--supplements.

Your right, the supplement in and of itself wouldn't have a large effect on an average person. However a person with a pre-existing chemical imbalance will feel better or worse in many cases by simply giving the body what it needs to produce what the brain requires.

So if she showed improvement while taking omega 3's it could be that Omega 3's are an active "component" in one or many of the compounds her brain was needing. Even still it could be a regulating factor. By having more of that substance in her system she could be experiencing a balancing effect, and producing less of a another compound that was effecting her in a negative way. I have not personally read the article that relates omega 3's to BPD. So I can only speculate about the dynamic involved. Taking into account that the brain is a chemical computer however... I can at the least see the possibility. It's certainly not a fix all, but a factor is a factor.

 

[SmoothTalker]

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20030117/fish-oil-soothes-personality-disorder

The above article talks about the study I mentioned about omega 3's and BPD. The sample size is quite small (20 women) but it was published in a peer reviewed journal. Anyway the way I figure there is no harm in trying (if she'll do it), because even if it doesn't help with that, we all know there are countless other benefits from fish oil.

Anyway, I'm having a lot of trouble finding either of the books mentioned in book stores, so I'll probably order online. My question is, the "I hate you, Don't leave me" book, is that written for the person suffering from BPD, or people like me that are trying to deal with such a person?

I assume from the title the Stop walking on eggshells book is clearly for people other than the one with bpd.

 

[Solon]

It's an explination about the disorder, but it helps both parties involved. Those with BPD, and those people who know people with BPD. In either situation information is the most powerful tool.

"Life at the Border" by Leland M.Heller, M.D. was written in 91, and has a lot of great information as well. ISBN# 1928947018

Those are just the two that I personally found to be the most helpful. If you do a subject search at borders, or B&N you should be able to find a lot more titles on the subject now. Back when I was dealing with this there weren't to many books out there for the average consumer.

 

[Miguel]

Dudes, wow, slow down for a second. Unless your a doctor don't go all out their throwing out diagnoses and solutions to mental health. I'm not a genius by any standard and I know that it's a very bad idea to start looking at online stuff for medicine. I've met enough med students to know very clearly about the danger of this!

If your worried man, get a thearapist or something to check your girlfriend out. You could be right, and she could be messed up, but finding your own solution... even through a medical text book, is really NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Go to a doctor, for the love of sweet jesus! I might cost you a few bucks, but at least at the end of the day you'll have a profesionals advice and not some PUA artist from so suave who claimes to know something about 'meedician'. He could be lying, and it's not worth the risk.

 

[brian123]

I've been in your shoes. My ex was BPD/bipolar. It's rough

The major question to ask is this....

Why does it matter? She is your ex. She is not your problem anymore. If you were together, yea worry about her and get her help. You aren't together anymore. Move on from her and these issues, or else you will never be free. You can't help her anymore.

This is me talking from experience.

 

[SmoothTalker]

Miguel.. If I thought I had the problem myself, I'd have already made an appointment with a therapist by now.

However, its not up to me, and especially with mental disorders, just telling somebody to go get help is very ineffective - they will deny any problems.

I realize we're not professionals but I am really quite sure about this.. She matches 90+% of the symptoms whenever they are described, and its not like "well.. if I think long enough I can think of one time when she matched this symptom" but regularly and consistantly for YEARS. And I'm not planning to put her on perscription drugs I buy off the black market or something, so far the only 'solution' I am considering is fish oil, which in the worst case is harmless.

Of course I think she should get therapy, but it needs to be approached in the right way. So far I'm just learning.

Brian, as for why I care.. Well, first of all, call me AFC if you want but we dated for years and I loved and still do love this girl. I am working on finding new girls and have decided to not put up with the **** she always stirred up in our relationship anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't care about her. I think she got at least part of it from her mother who is constantly miserable and *****y, and I would hate for her to end up that way.

Also like I said, while I'm moving on to other options, she has a LOT of positive qualities, and if she becomes more or less 'cured' with proper treatment and time, and the opportunity comes up, I might consider giving it another go.

PS: On the bright side I must say I am pleasantly surprised with my own emotional stability. Reading other people's stories, it sounds like most people end up completely ****ed up from spending significant time with a BPD in their life, but after three years I don't think it's had any noticible effect on me.

 

[Bible_Belt]

While you are at the bookstore, check out this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder


I bought this book for my bpd girl's last ex when they were together. It helped him. He left it laying on the kitchen counter, and when she found it, she started screaming at him, then ripped the book in half and set each half on fire. One flaming half of the book got thrown onto a pile of papers in the kitchen, and the other half she threw into the yard. Her guy quickly extinguished the two small fires - another day living with bpd.

 

[DJDamage]

I'm still amazed at how many Sosuavers have encountered one.

I am not.

AFC or RAFC's are damaged goods.

A HB with a BPD is also damaged goods. Therefore damaged goods personalities find each other. They both use each other, the AFC is using his saviour role to try to get into her pants while the BPD HB is using her own tactics to lure him into her world.

A DJ on the other hand would not put up with a BPD HB and would automatically spin her out of his plate rotation before she manages to get to him.

A normal healthy minded HB will not put up with AFC's for too long either.

A DJ and HB find each other.

The end.

 

[DrNoAWs]

AFC or RAFC's are damaged goods.


A DJ on the other hand would not put up with a BPD HB and would automatically spin her out of his plate rotation before she manages to get to him.

A normal healthy minded HB will not put up with AFC's for too long either.

A DJ and HB find each other.

The end.

Don´t think it´s that easy lately. It ist rue, that an AFC falls easier for an HPD /BPD HB cus they are an easy bait. But an HPB HP knows so exactly how to play you, that eventhough DJs do fall for them. Someone said that these girls are the feminine PUAs. Thats definately it. All their behavior, how they talk and look and act is especially what could be described as textbook NLP or SS.
They´ll get you if you just stay long enoug in contact. These girls are like a virus; infiltrating your brain.

The reason why there are so many guys here that have had encountered one of these damaged ones is that when someone gets dumped by a "normal" girl he will probably get over it and there is not neccessary any use to search the internet for help or a solvation. But beeing infiltrated by such a nutcase, with all this soul mate **** a lot of guys can´t understand why they suddenly got dumped out of nowhere. That is the point when they search the net an find this place - if they are lucky!

And to the OP as far as I´m informed there is no real help for an HPD. Many Psychiatrist don´t even treat them, cause they get sXcked in the Land of Oz as well. And: They will not grow out of this. They will always stay immatures in mature bodies.