Maintaining a social life as you age

[Matt Rogers]

I'm an introvert so making friends has never come easily to me. I had friends at school and university because everyone does and we used to study together, watch movies, go out, etc.

It is becoming harder and harder to keep up with these friends as they start families/relationships, move away for work and a dozen other reasons.

The past few years I've been dating different girls each month and that has effectively become my social life, perhaps each month seeing an old friend to catch up but that has been about it. I work in a small company so do not really meet people through that.

I live in a big city so there is no real sense of community and people are often unfriendly to strangers.

It is rather sad that I am relying on girls for companionship because lets face it most girls aren't good company. Also sometimes loneliness can bring out neediness I've for the most part supressed since my AFC days.

Actually a friend of mine commented astutely that most people get married not out of love or lust but because they are basically lonely and like the idea of there being someone to come home to and share their life with.

To me that is sad and ultimately I'd rather be alone than tied down to a girl I wasn't in love with.

But I've come to realise no matter how many plates I spin girls will not fulfill this need and ultimately I need some strong, solid male friendships. Any ideas how to form these sort of friendships? I live in London, a big city, and do not really know anyone.

 

[true romance]

find your hobbies..you will increase your social networking...

social dancing, team sport..etc.cricket, bowling league, ...

so many...Step out of your comfort zone, learning something new..

life is an adventure..you are the CEO of your life

go see the the thread " 10 things you wish you knew..."

 

[Warrior74]

I wish I lived in London! I love drum and bass so I'm sure I could make some good friends in the D&B scene. You gotta find the things you love to do and find other people who like em too. If you have married friends, get em together for games every now and then. Go Man U! You also could get some younger friends who aren't quite as far along in the marriage/serious career dept, but that has its drawbacks as well.

All of my friends are either married or all over the country/world. My younger single friends lack any social skills and usually are a liablilty to going out and meeting women. But still I'll get the boys together once or twice a month for drinks or to watch a football game.

It's just a part of growing older I guess.

 

[SharpGame]

I think most men don't search out friendships as much as they seek alliances for working towards some common goal. Friendships can grow out of these. If you try gunning straight for a friendship they'll probably end up thinking you're gay. Discover things you're passionate about or even just find interesting. Then find groups that are dedicated to these goals.

If you meet people in different groups that have common interests, bring them together. This is an awesome power play. Anytime you do this, you can become automatic alpha male of the larger group.

 

[MillerMan]

Find some good solitary yet social hobbies. Things that you can do on your own but that have some sort of group attached to them that you can belong to. Bowling, billiards, r/c airplanes, biking (mountian and road), poker, running, motorsports, golf, cliff diving, mountian climbing etc.. Your friendships will grow out of common interests. Make sure your interests are genuine and not just there for the friends.

 

[Mr. Me]

Make sure your interests are genuine and not just there for the friends.

I can agree with that, and yet ironically, that leaves you "alone" again with just your interests and still no circle of friends.

And yet I agree with it, because, for one thing, there are people I know, and there are "friends". Real friends, to me, are few and far between. Women are far more social creatures and everyone's their "friend". And some guys are fortunate in forging life long bonds with others at work and school that stay in force for years. Not so me.

I've joined several groups over recent years and maybe made a couple of friends. The rest of the guys, well, I don't care for them. Sorry to say, but, misfits, rejects, losers, whatever... I don't wish to hang with them and share their sorry plight. They keep inviting me to hang with them and I've tried that a couple of times... but sitting in a diner on a Saturday night with a couple of overweight dudes who love getting cheeseburger grease dripping on their unkept facial hair is not my idea of ideal company nor a good night out.

But even the guys I like and have become friends with, they get a girlfriend and POOF! They disappear like some kind of AFCish Keyser Söze.

Some of us, by design or not, are loners.

 

[Stavrogin]

People where I live are usually married by 28. They hang out with their married friends. I'm by myself all the time. It feels awkward being the only person in the living room who is not married. I would prefer to be by myself than be a third wheel. I think I could count the number of single women at my school.

 

[Warrior74]

Sorry to say, but, misfits, rejects, losers, whatever... I don't wish to hang with them and share their sorry plight. They keep inviting me to hang with them and I've tried that a couple of times... but sitting in a diner on a Saturday night with a couple of overweight dudes who love getting cheeseburger grease dripping on their unkept facial hair is not my idea of ideal company nor a good night out.

Sounds like my old friends from college. Throw in some world of warcraft(at ****ing 33 years old? Really dude?) and some sushi and that them.

 

[Ballie]

"It is rather sad that I am relying on girls for companionship because lets face it most girls aren't good company. Also sometimes loneliness can bring out neediness I've for the most part supressed since my AFC days.

Actually a friend of mine commented astutely that most people get married not out of love or lust but because they are basically lonely and like the idea of there being someone to come home to and share their life with. "

Some people accuse me of being bitter about my marriage breakdown, but lets face it what you are feeling is the natural urge to settle down with someone and have a meaningfull relationship. All the divorced guys here will agree that the best part of the marriage was the children. Some of us stuck around until the kids were grown up.

You know what, my kids appreciate it and have grown up to be adults any father will be proud of and keep me company when they can, so I'm not lonely.

This is the ideal forum to qualify that women and also to keep her.

 

[STR8UP]

I live in a fairly large city myself and don't find it difficult at all to make friends with guys who are single and looking to have fun.

I also lean toward the introverted side, but through work I meet some interesting people, and as my network shrinks (people move away, get married, etc.) it also expands when I meet friends of friends or new people from work.

Another thing you might want to consider is making friends with some women.

I'm not talking about getting LJBFed by a bunch of women, I'm talking about befriending women who respect your value as a man that you can do things with just like your male friends.

Some of the guys on here will call you a pu$$y for even thinking about having female friends, but most of them don't understand that as long as it is a HEALTHY relationship (in other words you aren't desperate to get in her pants while she strings you along) it can work out quite well and you can meet TONS of new women AND men that way.

It's really all about getting up the initial momentum. Once you have 5 friends you have 50.

 

[mrRuckus]

Sounds like my old friends from college. Throw in some world of warcraft(at ****ing 33 years old? Really dude?) and some sushi and that them.

I don't even play world of warcraft but why do you judge it so harshly? How is it any different than any number of silly hobbies like poker or fantasy football or sitting on your ass watching tv all night?

 

[Demodulate]

I don't even play world of warcraft but why do you judge it so harshly? How is it any different than any number of silly hobbies like poker or fantasy football or sitting on your ass watching tv all night?

I think it comes down to social interaction..

sitting home playing WoW instead of getting out of the house can have a huge negative effect on your social life..

if your blowing off going to the bar with a few buddies to sit home and play Wow...

well.. there you go... your choosing to interact with children or adult childeren in a fantasy land over real people in the real world..

 

[SharpGame]

I think it comes down to social interaction..

sitting home playing WoW instead of getting out of the house can have a huge negative effect on your social life..

if your blowing off going to the bar with a few buddies to sit home and play Wow...

well.. there you go... your choosing to interact with children or adult childeren in a fantasy land over real people in the real world..

Exactly. I used to work with some guys that would play that game for HOURS - to the point where it was affecting their love life, their work (when they'd come in all tired after some lame 6 hour quest), and their health (eye sight, carpal tunnel, and overall health from eating junk and drinking energy drinks while playing). Watch the South Park episode about it and you'll understand.

 

[Warrior74]

I don't even play world of warcraft but why do you judge it so harshly? How is it any different than any number of silly hobbies like poker or fantasy football or sitting on your ass watching tv all night?

Well you know..when your in a packed bar with women and a football game going on and they are talking about 12 level mage skills...its a bit of a game killer. When you spend more time playing a game than doing anything else in your life, When you haven't had a girlfriend in 8 or9 years but you are the shyt in WOW, when you are tipping up on morbidly obese and you wear the same old tee shirt and shorts out everytime and all you do is complain about not getting laid, maybe its time to let the video games go and get the rest of your life sorted out. I'd say the same for the guy who knows every football stat ever and watches every game and has no life. Sort it out and get some balance.

Don't get me wrong. I love those guys...but instead of trying to fix the **** they complain about, they just sit and complain and have been stuck in the same rut for 10 years or more. They've watched me try to better myself and its created some distance between us. They used to give me a lot of **** back in the day for being a tryhard, or not being myself. But when I go hang out with them now I don't worry about game, I just sit back and enjoy their company.

 

[Colossus]

Some of us, by design or not, are loners.

100% agree.

It's tough being a lone wolf. No one quite understands unless they are one themselves. Women certainly dont understand it. Everyone wants to be a pretty girl's friend. They cant concieve of a life without 100 "friends", or 20 different "best friends".

It is a blend of choice and circumstance. It's better to be alone than hang out with losers, but sometimes you get tired of doing everything alone. You have no one to share it with; and when you try to talk about something you saw or experienced no one really cares, because they werent there. So the memories are yours and yours alone.

 

[Trance_69]

I live in London and got to that age where most of my friends are married, starting a family etc and sometimes I feel I'm getting left behind because I'm not married but life is what you make it. Yes London can be a lonely place if you don't know anyone, but isn't that true about any big city?
You have to get out of your comfort zone, find a hobbie that involves interaction with other people.
Maybe arrange with your work mates to go out for a drink after work on a friday night?
There is so much to do in London, you just have to be brave and go out and do it. It is much better than sitting at home on your own.

And to Warrior74, I too love drun n bass, so many good clubs in London.
Massive DnB party on 18th October, Nicky Blackmarket is headlining and my mate is also DJing that night. I got vip pass.
Also gonna see Pendulum play live at Brixton Academy on 5th December, they are gonna rock!!!

 

[( . )( . )]

Also gonna see Pendulum play live at Brixton Academy on 5th December, they are gonna rock!!!

Nice one, that's going to be the bees knees ya lucky bastard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kJ09FpWoaM&feature=related :rockon:

 

[Colossus]

I used to play WoW (bust my balls, i deserve it ) and i'll admit it can be a fun and addicting game. The problem with it is you cant just turn it off. There is no "pause" button. The game is always active, 24/7. So if you're in the middle of a quest you totally get sucked in until it's over, which can take hours upon hours. This is really a waste of life. I played for about 6 months in college until the guilt became overwhelming and I pretty much nixed gaming after that. If you have an addictive personality do not go NEAR these games.

Occasional Xbox or PS is fun, but just know your limits, like anything else. Ive had friends who have--for all practical purposes--lost their life to gaming.