Maintaining a healthy relationship with your AFC family

[RedPill]

Over the last couple years, I’ve made some huge strides in my life. I’ve grown some balls, completely changed my chump ways, gained 30 lbs of muscle, am out of the Matrix, can pick up decent chicks, and started a business. Unlike the formative years of my life, each day now is better than the day before, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. There's still a lot to accomplish but I'm on the right path. Self-improvement is what I’m all about.

Life is good, but there’s one particular challenge I’m dealing with that I’d like some input on. As the thread title says, it’s maintaining good relations with my AFC family. I know I’m not the only one here who has to deal with this issue.

More and more recently, my family and I have been at odds with each other because I refuse to align myself with their feminized ideals. I’ll give some examples:

- Recently, my younger brother’s girlfriend broke up with him to pursue a job elsewhere, and he is being mega-AFC about it. He cries, uses “the one” terminology, etc. What do my parents tell him to do? MOVE WHERE SHE IS AND MARRY HER. I was with them when they told him this over the phone, and let’s just say there was a real heated exchange afterward.

- My sister is getting married soon, and she’s barely old enough to drink. She and her bf have never dated anyone else. Her bf is a nice dude, the type of guy you’d want marrying your sister, but if only he heard the manipulative sh!t that comes out of his future mother-in-law and wife’s mouths about how they're going to spend his money, what kind of car she can buy, and all sorts of other stuff. It makes me want to puke. I told them last week I’m going to pay for his pre-nup, and of course they started screaming at me.

- My mom is constantly getting on my case to get married, have grandkids “before it’s too late.” Too late for what, before my nuts dry up? Ri-god-damn-diculous.

- My dad puts up with so much sh!t from my mom, it’s no wonder I turned out AFC. I’m calling him out on it these days, and whenever I do he just goes into this frenzy about how “your mother is a wonderful person, blah blah.” I bet the guy hasn’t been laid in years.

There are dozens more examples I could give you guys, but I think you get the point. I want to be on good terms with my family throughout my life. I really do. Even though they will never change, you only get one family. I don’t want to lose touch with them, but the further I go on the path to creating the reality I want - which is a reality that embraces masculinity – the more distant we become. I fear that one day we’ll barely be on speaking terms. I don’t want that to happen.

Do you guys have comparable experiences? I’m sure that a lot of you do. Is staying on good terms with your family even that big of a deal as you age? Right now I just try to grin and keep my mouth shut when family gatherings turn into a fem-fest. Thanks for any and all feedback.

 

[KontrollerX]

You should inform your sister's boyfriend about this place and tell him what your sister has in store for him.

Do it in a joking way and he shouldn't give you too much sh!t about it ie "no way she's not like that at all you're just trying to cause problems between me and my wonderful girl" blah blah blah.

I know you won't but that would be the moral thing to do lol.

Hell you might not even have to tell him of your sister's plans just show him this place and maybe he will figure things out on his own and learn to take more control of his life that will soon be all hers if he doesn't.

 

[grinder]

This goes way beyond AFC 'ism. It's the classic "How the hell did I come from THIS family?" Religion, politics, chumpism, its all the same.

You can't make your brother become "enlightened" about women. You can show him the way and hope he take it, that's all.

You can't change 'em, all you can do is love 'em and bite your tounge. Another way of putting it is to be diplomatic or "presidential". Sounds phony but its the best face we can put on it.

My 19 yo son is totally like your younger brother with his soon-to-be fiance`. I just want to shake him and say "wake up". But his eyes are glazed over. Its' exactly like he is mezmerized with the one bright light, but just over to the side a bit is a giant laser light show he does not see. I WILL be there when the one bright light dims, I'll just point and say , "hey look over there at THEM".

If you fight them too much you lose your credibiltiy, you have no wedge, so to speak, to have ANY affect on them.

This may sound lame (get the hip waders out), but a DJ is not a fighter for DJ'ism, he influences with his choices, his presence, his acceptance of other's ways. Teach by example, not with a blunt instrument.

 

[red_headed_stepchild]

Why are you trying to force your views on them? Let them live their lives. If someone asks you for advice, give it. If not, just have a nice cup of STFU and chill. Most of the time its better to not say anything and just be there to catch them when they fall.

As far as your mama, that's your MAMA, Bro. Of course she's gonna want you to get married and make all kinds of little babies. When she does that, just give her a hug and say, "one of these days, mama". That should solve that one for ya.

Never disrespect your Father. What's wrong with you? Show some respect for the man.

 

[FM 3321]

To be honest I'll leave them be. They're happy in their comfort zone and bliss of seeing live they way they see it and it will probably mess them up trying to see it any other way.

If you ask most people on this site, very few to none of us were pushed to this path of becoming more successful with women and life in general. Personally as far back as I could remember I've always wanted an understanding of how to deal with women. No man or woman was every gonna show me a better way to deal with women unless I asked.

So unless they're asking, I'd just let them live life the way they want. You've done the most you can do. I even told my brother about this stuff and he said he didn't need it. Last week I told one of my friends about a new sexual technique I learned and how well it worked and he said "I already know how to please my woman..." I've come to the point where I'm just not gonna introduce this stuff to anyone unless they ask.

My friends have noticed that I'm more successful with women and socially than before but they think it's stars crossing in the sky and all that fairy tale stuff we all grew up on. Be happy that you're on the right path.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Why are you trying to force your views on them? Let them live their lives. If someone asks you for advice, give it. If not, just have a nice cup of STFU and chill. Most of the time its better to not say anything and just be there to catch them when they fall.

I used to think exactly like this until my AFC brother-in-law put a rope around his neck and hung himself over his wife of 20 years leaving him for a millionaire and he "couldn't live without her."

I used to think exactly like this until a good friend I knew who you'd have called an A-Hole otherwise, decided it was better to swallow a bullet than deal with his girlfriend breaking up with him only a year and a half ago.

I used to think exactly like this until I had to talk a close friend out of killing the wife he married at 19 and the man she'd cheatied on him with in the parking lot of the motel he'd spent all night tracking her down to find with their 3 children crying in the backseat of their minivan at 4am.

I used to think exactly like this until I watched my father, though decaying from alzheimers, still playing out the Savior Methodology in an effort to get laid that he's thought should work for his entire life at 68 y.o. I used to think he deserved my respect until I watched him feebley default to a behavior that obsessively motivated him to succeed until he was forced into early retirement at 53 and his 2nd wife left him promptly after that.

I used to think exactly like you until I had to console a good friend who's fathered 3 daughters with 2 wives and is being emotionally manipulated by his 3rd (another single mommie BTW), who's become so despondent that he dreads going home from work to deal with his personal situation and wait's with anticipation for the weekend to be over.

Need anyomre examples? I've got plenty.

You see, telling some one, "Why don't you just butt out and let them be happy?" or something to this effect is akin to advising a guy to 'Just Be Himself' when he's frustrated with his lack of success with women, it's what people say when they have no real idea what needs to be (or should be) said.

If I tell a guy that he ought to stop smoking, show him many examples why he should and he takes my advice and avoids lung cancer, I'm a great friend. If I help a woman kick her heroin habit and save her life, I'm a saint. But if I tell my brother, sister, nephew that they ought not to get married at 19 or that my Dad needs to Man-Up and stop allowing his wife to walk all over him, then I'm an A-Hole, then I need to shut up and keep my opinions to myself, then I'm disrespectful, even though the advice might have changed their lives.

 

[RedPill]

If I tell a guy that he ought to stop smoking, show him many examples why he should and he takes my advice and avoids lung cancer, I'm a great friend. If I help a woman kick her heroin habit and save her life, I'm a saint. But if I tell my brother, sister, nephew that they ought not to get married at 19 or that my Dad needs to Man-Up and stop allowing his wife to walk all over him, then I'm an A-Hole, then I need to shut up and keep my opinions to myself, then I'm disrespectful, even though the advice might have changed their lives.

Therein lies the conflict: watch people you care about mess themselves up because they lack the information necessary to make better decisions, OR just sit back, have a drink, and enjoy the show as it unfolds.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

REDPILL, I have nephew who is getting married next year to his only-ever girlfriend. He's 22, she's 21. He accellerated his class load at college in order to graduate at the same time as her from the same university. He graduated with a 4 year degree in 3 years due to this. He chose his major to match hers (psychology) though he has never pursued a career or has any postgraduate ambitions in psych. He proposed to her once before (right after college) and she turned him down and only recently agreed.

He is the son of my deceased (suicide) brother-in-law and his 'new dad' is another AFC millionaire who put him to work in his company. The kid makes close to six figures here and I'm sure this plays no small part in her "coming to her senses" about marrying him. My problem is that this side of the family Loves this girl and he's been the golden child since he was born, so they want him married ASAP. But the problem isn't her, it's him. He exhibits behaviors that tell of a very unstable AFC mentality - a lot like his Dad.

I have made attempts to be a 'Father' to him in such a way that I might get him to think of things differently, and he is open to what I tell him, but not only do I have to compete with millionaire AFC Step-Dad, but Mom, my Wife, Grandmas & Grandpas. I can't afford to be seen as the A-Hole trying to break up their beautiful thing, and I'm not, but even the mention of my thinking that he (and she) is far to young to get married brings the wrath of God down on me. And the reason for this is because they know damn well I'm right and have the suicide of his father to remind them that I am.

 

[RedPill]

That's nauseating Rollo... I guess it's just something that you have to accept after awhile, that you're never going to be able to wake people up when the whole extended family subscribes to the pinkhole-worshipping mentality. On the other side of the coin, I'll just stop offering input when asked. It disgusts me though how few young men have any sort of masculine role models in their life to give them guidance.

It's actually pretty mind-blowing when I look back and notice that both my grandfathers were weak male role models. I can see how that has impacted the family tree. Who knows how many generations this has been going on for. Most of my aunts/uncles either have no kids (not through choice), have dysfunctional familes, are estranged from the family, or are gay.

 

[Desdinova]

The only thing I could see doing is saying something, and hope that it will click with them one day.

...except for my parents. I don't bother with trying to help them. They're too goddam stubborn, closed-minded, and believe that children should obey their parents and not the other way around.

 

[Vulpine]

I treat my family more like "old friends" than family. I guess it sounds cold, but my family is pretty caustic/toxic, so keeping them at a distance helps with my sanity. Now, I don't get wrapped up in the "family dramas" that occur all too frequently.

I would actually say that perceiving my family as friends instead of family is actually the healthiest way to go about it. I have 6 aunts and they are bitter battle-axes, I call them the "<family name> b!tches" to their face and they laugh because they know they are b!tches, especially when I pop them doing it.

Aunt1: That guy, I swear, he's never blah blah blah
Aunt2: Right. If he ever blah blah blah, I'd kick his A$$
V: There you <family name> b!tches go... excuse me. *leave*
Aunt1/Aunt2: *laughing*

I wouldn't talk like that to family, I WOULD talk like that to friends. Where I used to censor myself out of "respect for family", I give it to my family with both barrels when they are on my nerve or I don't agree with them.

I don't know if distancing yourself from your family is a good idea in your situation, but maybe changing how you perceive them is.

 

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

another 2 cents:

I think Vulpine makes some good points.

When you allow someone to annoy or bother you, you are judging them in a way as to who they are and why they do what they do. You are also allowing them to make an impression on you and in a way absorb some of your personal power and control.

Instead of saying, “mom is constantly getting on my case”, just say mom is being mom. Don’t offer “mom” validity in your life by judging her actions. You are allowing her to “get on your case” because you are letting her into your personal life or boundaries.

Truthfully, is there anything you can say to your sister or brother to change their situations? Can you change your father after all these years? Can you make your mom less of a busy-body? Not really. BUT YOU CAN control the influence they have over you by adjusting the credibility and validity they have over your life.

You can be there for them, listen to their plights, offer to them your ideas and your comments and then you just have to step away, not allowing them to pull from your power or intrude in your walk.

Mom, Dad, Sis and Bro will always be Mom, Dad, Sis and Bro. You can withdraw their validity and power over your life and still love and care for them very much.

Hover above their AFCness, maintain your strength and confidence and love then for the family they are, but never, ever, render power to them or allow them to pull from you!

Maybe, it is doubtful, but just maybe they will see your actions and begin to follow your example. There is always hope.

-Good luck!

 

[RedPill]

The only thing I could see doing is saying something, and hope that it will click with them one day.

...except for my parents. I don't bother with trying to help them. They're too goddam stubborn, closed-minded, and believe that children should obey their parents and not the other way around.

Yeah this sums it up pretty well. The point of this thread was not what to say/do for the specific examples I gave, but more how to handle being around them without getting into arguments contstantly because of their AFC behavior.

It sounds like the consensus plan of action is to be diplomatic, stay away from their dramas, and ingore their attempts to draw me into their reality. Thanks everyone who replied.