LTR troubles

[FreeMan1971]

Hey all. First post. Here's my deal:

I enjoy being single and I'm good at it. I am approaching 40 years on this earth and have been with lots and lots of women. I am comfortable with myself, like myself and being myself is my game. While my confidence level is high with women on the single scene, it plummets in LTR land and LTR land is where I want to go.

I come from an abusive upbringing and I know lot of people have and I believe that we all have a choice to sink or swim when it comes to our own histories. I learned to swim. I know that my folks did the best that they could with their limited awareness. We all do. Problem is: Most of the women I date long term start out promising then end up slowly, like Chinese Water Torture, behaving more and more abusively.

I don't take their behavior personally anymore, although I did when I was younger. I am simply tired of dating these particular women: Narcissistic women who need to control others in order to feel safe. Who lack empathy. Who are emotionally repressed. Who, instead of dealing with things and growing, hide behind the false selves of their own invention. Who are dangerously passive aggressive.

I believe firmly that I end up with these women because they remind me of home. They seem familiar. I am not the man for these women, however. I want more out of life.

I also firmly believe that most women do not behave this way in an LTR. I have the right to a strong healthy woman naturally because I am a strong healthy man. I don't change who I am in a committed relationship. I play to win from beginning until the end.

I want to gain the ability to identify the women that I date that are healthier for me. To see past the False Self that some women have cultivated and move on. I want to be more skilled at being able to identify what is facade and what is real more quickly and confidently in my search for a woman whom I will bestow the honor of sharing my life.

 

[KontrollerX]

The problem that is so hard for you to solve which is also the problem of others with similar childhoods is your model of the world.

We get our model of the world from our parents as well the desires displayed in their interactions towards one another.

If its a messy drama filled swear word filled disaster of a relationship thats what we're going to chase and desire in our relationships in order to re-create our parents relationship and symbolically fix it since we couldn't as children.

If its a genuine love filled relationship and the parents act with a high degree of understanding and reciprocity towards eachother that will be what we desire and instinctually go after.

The problem for guys that came from that background...guys that are clued in now as to what to avoid.

Their problem and your problem is that though you now know what to avoid somehow you still keep running into it in your relationships or attracting it to yourself.

I think it keeps appearing in the lives of certain people because either the conscious or subconscious desire is there to recreate one's parental conflict or this may be more likely...

Maybe the interactions you learned nay your entire way of being that you and others modelled from parents has by itself drawn these people to you.

And thus your solution is to begin thoroughly remodelling yourself after a healthy individual from top to bottom and I'm not saying you haven't tried this but that it may require even more thorough effort than you have attempted as of yet and that goes for all of us who have a tendency to keep running into these kinds of women and having to next them.

Something you could do in the meantime that may help is think of the kind of woman you are looking for now. Sure you may say "I am looking for a healthy woman whom I can be with and enjoy life with" etc and I have no doubt you mean every word of that and truly desire that but again the problem that will keep you from getting what you want is rooted in how you learned to interact entirely and until that is reworked you will continue encountering more time wasting Cluster B filth out in the dating arena.

Anyway getting to the point the reason I want you to think of the kind of woman you currently want and what her qualities would be that attracted you to her is because I want you to try an experiment which would be to get a relationship going with a woman that is the complete opposite of the type of woman you think you want now and her qualities.

And no I don't mean go get some tatooed biker bar babe but what I am saying is if you feel most attracted to exciting go getter types of women and those turn out to be NPD's try a different approach. Try dating the opposite of that even if its not your type such as say an attractive woman or even a plain jane that you find incredibly boring and not your type.

As it could be and often is I think those women that those of our background reject as undesireables when it turns out they are actually normal and the reason we reject them is because our early childhood causes us to desire chaos and conflict or the type of people that inevitably come to generate a great deal of this over time even if in the beginning they come off as calm, balanced and sweet as honey.

So yes for now the experiment I want you to try is to date a woman that is not your type, not a woman that anyone would find dangerous mind you such as the drug addicted biker babe or the meth junkie stripper but a reasonable opposite of what you go for and crave now and see how that works out for you.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

I can relate to you, FreeMan1971, on many levels, (similar background, similar relationship problems, etc.). I recently met a man who was emotionally healthy and am realizing I must not be completely over my past, (as he is hesitant to enter into a relationship with me). :trouble: JK LoL

KontrollerX - That was a very detailed and informing read. I understand the dynamics of pursuing the opposite of what you typically find attractive, but there must be more to increase self-awareness?? Besides traditional "therapy" what else can one do to self improve?? How can we better avoid repeating the abuses of childhood?