LTR tips?

[feelingloved]

Yes I would say you need to use the "love" word on occasion, as a reward, but not a bribe. My x GF said the reason for the break up was my non-committance to her. Its possible I went too far in the deep end, trying to stay out from the wussy side of my past. Perhaps I did not show enough intimacy. She said she did not think I loved her. But I also think that is a protective mind set she has adopted in order to be able to proceed to do the things with the new guy she wanted to, without guilt.

 

[muscleman]

Well I do what I can to show her I care about her and show her my appreciation. The first time she told me she was like "you don't have to say it back, I just wanted to tell you".

I just really had some sour experiences with the whole "love" thing. It seems like that word has so much crap attached to it it's not even funny. Just not sure when I should use it. I mean, I do care a lot about her - it's definitely past the "I just wanna fvck your brains out" stage (I still do btw).

Yes we do fun stuff. We go out at least once a week.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Well I do what I can to show her I care about her and show her my appreciation. The first time she told me she was like "you don't have to say it back, I just wanted to tell you".

I just really had some sour experiences with the whole "love" thing. It seems like that word has so much crap attached to it it's not even funny. Just not sure when I should use it. I mean, I do care a lot about her - it's definitely past the "I just wanna fvck your brains out" stage (I still do btw).

Yes we do fun stuff. We go out at least once a week.

So what do you tell her?

 

[muscleman]

Eh maybe I should tell her. I mean, I do have deep feelings for her. I've told her that ^ before, I told her that I cared about her and I appreciate her and all that stuff. Then again she'll always be the one like "I miss you etc" and I've never said it back and it hasn't ever been a problem. Not sure if that's in the same league as love though.

The other thing is, we have discussed a future together. Not marriage per se, but what we plan on doing together down the road. So I think she knows I want to stick around with her.

 

[Charm]

She has already told you that she loves you. You're not breaking any DJ Rules by telling her "I love you" at this point. Tell her you love her if you really do. If you don't, after six months you might want to find yourself a woman who you do feel that way for unless you think it is going to radically change in the next six months to make you suddenly 'love her' if you don't already. Perhaps you have attached a lot of weight to it from your past.

By the way, loving someone means that you can show them love. If you can and do show your love to this girl, then you can tell her you love her. You don't have to say, "I'm in love with you". Heck, you could even whisper it in her ear.

 

[foomee]

One mistake I made was making HER my life. What you gotta do is have your OWN life and just have her as a part of it. Have hobbies, participate in sports, school activities, just anything to keep you busy. She's with you because she wants to be a part of your life, but she doesn't actually want to be your life. My ex had her own life, she volunteered, horse jumper, school, she was her own person. I started out like that and then eventually I made her into my life, it was a huge mistake. So stay active and don't ever seem needy!

And you don't need to say "I Love You" per say, but just say something like... "You know how I feel baby" or "I love spending time with you". But everything else you're doing sounds good, keep it up.

 

[muscleman]

You're right, I have attached a lot of weight to it from my past. Does it really matter when/how I tell her the first time though? I know this sounds stupid and if it is just say "it sounds stupid". I'm just wondering if it really matters (the first time she told me we were drunk and she blurted it out, then over time she got more ok with it and would tell me sober).

 

[bigjohnson]

I'm still working on this aspect, I think it's the DJ Final Exam or something.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Eh maybe I should tell her. I mean, I do have deep feelings for her. I've told her that ^ before, I told her that I cared about her and I appreciate her and all that stuff. Then again she'll always be the one like "I miss you etc" and I've never said it back and it hasn't ever been a problem. Not sure if that's in the same league as love though.

The other thing is, we have discussed a future together. Not marriage per se, but what we plan on doing together down the road. So I think she knows I want to stick around with her.

That's not bad. My suggestion is that if you're not in a comfortable place personally to use the "L word," at least be specific in what you say when you tell them how you appreciate them. Being specific shows them that you truly notice what they do and you aren't just giving them lip service.

As for talking about the future, that's another good thing to do if you are truly considering it (and it doesn't necessarily mean marriage). Just be wary of what you 'think' she knows and what she really knows.

 

[muscleman]

I dunno, I may be overthinking things but I feel like I've been making a lot more moves lately. It could just be push & pull, it could be something else.

She used to send me emails from work, texts all the time like "I miss you", "what are you doing", etc. Now, even though everything is good between us, it just doesn't happen as much - sometimes not at all. Having gotten used to this, I can't help but pick up the slack when it's there. The emails have been a lot shorter (if I'm getting them at all), the texts way more sparse, and the past couple times I was the one asked her to hang out. She used to send me texts before she went to bed - not anymore. Before I left, she'd always be like "call me later" or "I'll call you later" now it's just "bye". I certainly feel a little AFC.

And even though when we talk she mentions about doing stuff together in the future, I just get the feeling she's not nearly as interested. Honestly it kinda pisses me off. And on top of all that my mom tells me I don't value myself enough. That's cool too.

Could it just be that it's that time of the month?

I've become pretty attached to this girl (in case you couldn't tell). It happens with me a lot after a certain period of time and I'm not sure what I can do about it.

It probably is a lack of confidence on my part. Even though I'm pretty set on what I want to do with my life and I'm working on it, I just don't feel "right" like I used to. I can't explain it. It's a gut feeling. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass though. What do you think?

Maybe I should just back off a bit and not try to be in contact with her every day? It's been over 6 months of this though, and that's hard to change. I don't even know if it's the right thing to do.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I remember reading somewhere that you should only say I love you after you just can't seem to hold it in any longer...

That explains why a few women have told me of guys who have professed their love by the third date.

 

[Phyzzle]

She used to send me texts before she went to bed - not anymore. Before I left, she'd always be like "call me later" or "I'll call you later" now it's just "bye".

Because she knows that she certainly will see you later. There's no tension.

Could this cool-down be something as simple as seeing her every dam day? If you're not pondering marriage together, you really shouldn't be spending more than 3 days a week with her. That's pretty fundamental.

 

[muscleman]

We only see each other 3x/week, once on a weekday and the weekends.

 

[feelingloved]

what I wish I would have done

is be less predictable, at your stage.