LTR tips?

[muscleman]

So I rarely post here, but for anyone who's read my stuff you'll know I'm an LTR type of guy. I've been in about as many LTRs as girls I've casually dated. Anyway, my latest one is going pretty good. Been a bit over 6 months now. We had a couple rough patches here and there, but no deal breakers. The longest LTR I've ever been in was 1 year. For the more mature audience here, anyone have any tips about "DJism" and handling LTRs? Because in my experience (albeit somewhat limited), relationships are a LOT more challenging than getting a girl to sleep with you.

I'm just looking for anything useful. You know .. avoiding complacency, staying alpha, actually building a solid foundation, things like that. Some words of wisdom, if you will (and not the "don't get into a monogamous relationship before you're 28" kind).

 

[Phyzzle]

When she comes over, don't initiate the touching. Let her start it. If you regularly want to hug, or bite her ear, or whatever, when she's not feeling it, that will slowly wear down a girls interest.

 

[muscleman]

That's a good point and I kinda noticed it lately. Little things kino things, but I'm noticing them. For instance, when we're laying in bed about to go to sleep (usually after sex) in the past she'd always come to me. Now I feel like I'm coming to her a lot more. She's just not as physically drawn it seems.

Now part of me thinks it's just the novelty wearing off, but the other part thinks that's BS. Maybe we see each other too much? (usually 1 weekday + weekends so that's like 3x/week, then again when I was seeing her like once a week she would complain and get upset that I wasn't spending enough time with her).

Other examples - she'd be all over me when I'd come over. Now it's just like "hey" maybe a kiss or something. But definitely not as touchy-feely as she used to be. She also told me she loved me on several occassions. I haven't returned with it yet because frankly I've thrown it around a lot in the past and I want to save it for the right moment.

Overall I kinda feel like her IL dropped, slowly like you said. I mean things are still good, but comparatively speaking they're not the same. I'm doing a lot more pulling now it seems.

I guess I'm looking for ways to get that IL back up and give me some of that power back (yes I do believe there is a power balance dynamic between couples).

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Never stop being a DJ and let her observe you being one. It's what got her attracted to you in the first place, right? Be charismatic, flirt with women; not with the intent of hooking up, but being a good, likable guy. Always remember to follow it up with flirting with her on a higher level and let other people see you doing it. It's for her own social proof and it will help fend away any green eyed monsters lurking in your psyche. Think of it as if you were a pimp and she was your number one hoe.

Continue to give her the attention and affection that you gave her while you were first sarging her and readily accept it in return. Never rebuff her but it's alright to ask for a raincheck if the game is on. Don't accept bad conduct from her just because you're dating either. Let her know what you expect when she slips off the path. You don't have to be mean but giving her the "you ought to know better" look does wonders.

 

[blueguy]

What is your goal? To qualify her or to keep her? Once you start implementing tips to keep her, you have lost the qualification frame and self-improvement frame and begin the slow process of molding yourself to fit her personality, which often times involves sacrificing your inner core. The best way to increase her interest level is to stop looking for more LTR tips and keep improving yourself so you have more to offer her.

Other than that, it's a simple schema of reward for good behavior and withdrawl for bad behavior. The better the LTR, the less work necessary to maintain it. LTRs are meant to benefit, not add more work. Since you're not married, your goal should not be one of maintaining this one but rather finding out if it is right for you in the first place. As an uintended side-effect, this is the best way to increase her interest level and prompt her to mold herself to your stronger frame.

 

[muscleman]

Francisco what you say is good stuff as a generality, but what about stuff like a slowly dropping IL? Is it really as simple as going back to the "way I was"?

Being that I haven't been single or playing the field for some time now it's a bit of a challenge. The other thing is, if we go out and I DO talk to other girls without any intentions (which I haven't done lately), she gets mad (jealous?) but maybe that's because I'm not reciprocating higher back to her like you said.

"Never rebuff her". What does that mean?

Blueguy - can you elaborate more? I have asked myself several times if this is right for me and so far it has been (i.e. pros outweight cons).

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Francisco what you say is good stuff as a generality, but what about stuff like a slowly dropping IL? Is it really as simple as going back to the "way I was"?

First and foremost, you should never have to go back. It's a tell tale sign of unauthentic actions getting you to where you are. People revert to their natural state. If you haven't made your DJism your natural lifestyle... :nervous:

Putting that in the back of your mind, now think about what you guys initially did to keep yourselves interested. Now, ask yourself why you've stopped? Was it authentic? Hmmmm........ Relationships are only as good as the foundation that they are built upon, hopefully it was solid and not all fluff. Ever try nailing Jell-O to a wall?

Being that I haven't been single or playing the field for some time now it's a bit of a challenge. The other thing is, if we go out and I DO talk to other girls without any intentions (which I haven't done lately), she gets mad (jealous?) but maybe that's because I'm not reciprocating higher back to her like you said.

The ultimate place you want to be personally in your relationship is where your girl wants to introduce you to her girlfriends. This happens when she is both secure with herself and the relationship and basically she wants to show you off and make her girlfriends jealous.

Your goal is to make your girlfriend feel like a better person just because she is with you. This must be done authentically!!! Gifts grow old and lose their meaning, plus they aren't personal unless it's a custom made, one of a kind item. But then she'll probably outgrow it anyway.

"Never rebuff her". What does that mean?

Rebuffing is basically pushing her away or rejecting her, even temporarily. Understand that at the core of almost every woman she wants to feel accepted or included. If her guy doesn't accept her... Now I'm not saying allow any bad behavior, show her what you expect and praise her (show acceptance) when she does well. This ties in to giving her social proof around her friends. Oh yeah, make her earn it too...

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Blueguy - can you elaborate more? I have asked myself several times if this is right for me and so far it has been (i.e. pros outweight cons).

In six months you've qualified her, right???? :nervous:

 

[feelingloved]

I just lost my LT girl to another guy.
I didn't keep up with the DD stuff. I stopped calling her on her issues, and became too understanding. If you fail to put down the small tests, the tests get exponentially bigger.
I also did not have a social group, to appear more interesting. You can't be an alpha, if your not part of a social group; it makes you an outcast, by perception.
You need to discuss her issues, in a joking way. This is not to say you are trying to resolve them. It just means you are pointing them out in a way that means you slightly disapprove, and are pointing out your higher status. The girl will understand that you have a connection with "who" she is.

 

[blueguy]

I don't think the qualification process ever stops. It's ongoing. All of these things (such as pushing her away, etc.) are a result of a never-ending qualification process. Once the qualification process stops is when she walks OR treats you poorly. Anyway, you mentioned she smokes, and you don't like it, so clearly she is not qualified to your standards. I don't know what to say as far as trying to improve upon it... I would still be out there looking (for a non-smoker) or prompt her to quit (as you said you've been trying). Don't know what else to say. But these are all good tips.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I just lost my LT girl to another guy.
I didn't keep up with the DD stuff. I stopped calling her on her issues, and became too understanding. If you fail to put down the small tests, the tests get exponentially bigger.
I also did not have a social group, to appear more interesting. You can't be an alpha, if your not part of a social group; it makes you an outcast, by perception.
You need to discuss her issues, in a joking way. This is not to say you are trying to resolve them. It just means you are pointing them out in a way that means you slightly disapprove, and are pointing out your higher status. The girl will understand that you have a connection with "who" she is.

You know what, being able to do an accurate autopsy of a past relationship will definitely increase your chance of success the next time around!

 

[muscleman]

Francisco, feeling a little sick eh?

I should probably clarify some things. When I mentioned talking to other girls/her getting jealous - these aren't her girlfriends but other girls she sees as competition. She has no problem with me talking to her girlfriends. She has introduced me to all of them and invites me out every time she goes anywhere. Only exceptions were a few daytime girl outings I wouldn't want to be part of anyway (they go to the mall or something).

As far as natural state and reverting back to it, my natural state is always changing. I've changed a tremendous amount this past year learning all that I did so I never fully go back to a previous state because it no longer exists.

Kinda like FL said though, there were definitely a couple times this past half year where I temporarily slipped into the "now that you're in a relationship you can relax" trap.

Here's the thing - I know she wants to keep me around. Not sure if I'll get flamed for this, but my mom has always been right about every relationship I've ever been in. She pretty much told me this girl is really attached and wants to marry me. Thing is, I'm not worried about keeping her. I know I'm a catch to her (and that makes me feel pretty good).

What I AM trying to do now is raise the IL to where it was before and hopefully higher than ever. I think it's possible but I need some help since I've neglected my DJ education for some time now.



Blueguy - as for the smoking bit I'm trying to be a bit more understanding. She only does it about once a week (when we drink) and from what I hear it's a really hard habit to kick (and from what she's told me she used to smoke a lot in the past), so I'm trying to be humane about it.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I don't think the qualification process ever stops. It's ongoing. All of these things (such as pushing her away, etc.) are a result of a never-ending qualification process.

Ehhh, I'd be careful saying that qualifying is a never-ending process. The purpose of qualifying a woman is to determine if she has your core criteria that you look for in a woman. It won't bode well for you if you are never able to figure out if she has those core qualities.

Now, managing the relationship by keeping things on track is a different thing altogether. It's basically the regular feeding, nurturing and pruning that the relationships need to sustain life.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

....What I AM trying to do now is raise the IL to where it was before and hopefully higher than ever. I think it's possible but I need some help since I've neglected my DJ education for some time now...

Why does it sound as if you are more fearful of the situation than concerned? Why do you believe that her interest level needs to be higher now than ever before? Does it have something to do with her possibly wanting to marry you? Is it really her interest level you are worried about?

 

[blueguy]

The purpose of qualifying a woman is to determine if she has your core criteria that you look for in a woman. It won't bode well for you if you are never able to figure out if she has those core qualities.

We're just arguing different definitions here. I'm arguing qualifying her respect for you as well as the slight variations in changing personality. You're arguing qualifying her general personality to determine exclusitivity. When I say qualification is an ongoing process, I'm not saying you can't take steps to further tighten a relationship, I'm saying those steps have to be taken one by one after a qualification process has occured. Even married relationships have their boundaries and differ in closeness. No woman is exactly right for a man.

 

[muscleman]

Why does it sound as if you are more fearful of the situation than concerned? Why do you believe that her interest level needs to be higher now than ever before? Does it have something to do with her possibly wanting to marry you? Is it really her interest level you are worried about?

That's too many questions and I honestly can't apply them to myself. If you're trying to send some message I'm not gettin it. I'm not fearful, I just know that at the beginning of our relationship her IL seemed higher. I also know that I haven't been mr.alpha lately but I'm working to change that. I want to raise the IL because ... I liked it better that way.

 

[blueguy]

That is the issue I'm trying to raise here. You're really concerned for this relationship. It happens to all of us. But it's likely happening to you since you've been in less relationships and want to have a really long, good one. As much as you try to hide it from her, it generally leaks out and the girl knows. THAT is the FASTEST way to decrease a girl's interest level. If you were more carefree about this relationship (if you knew you had more options), you wouldn't be worrying as much about her interest level.

It all has to do with confidence. And the best way to build that is to make your frame stronger relative to hers. Which means making yourself more attractive. More attractive to the point where she is more worried about your interest level and starts qualifying herself to you again. You DO NOT EVER want to commit to a girl whom you fear has a waning interest level. You MUST know that she is 100% committed to you.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

That's too many questions and I honestly can't apply them to myself. If you're trying to send some message I'm not gettin it. I'm not fearful, I just know that at the beginning of our relationship her IL seemed higher. I also know that I haven't been mr.alpha lately but I'm working to change that. I want to raise the IL because ... I liked it better that way.

Well then just raise it. I was just wondering whether there was something festering under the surface. If you want to be Mr. Alpha, be Mr. Alpha. The job isn't entirely yours though, she needs to keep you interested also. It has to be a two way street.

 

[jophil28]

Hey Muscleguy - re her smoking ! Two points on this topic.
Is this woman likely to become the mother of your children? If YES, then she needs to QUIT now .

Secondly, you said that she only smokes once a week when you guys are drinking.
I am involved in a Quit Smoking training program - I teach people how to become non-smokers PERMANENTLY. I quit my own 40 a day habit back in 1992 - never smoked again.
If she can go thru a whole 5 working days without a smoke and only smokes on the weekend with some liquor trigger ,then she has a smoking "habit" NOT an addiction. THis means (short version) that she is smoking via ritual and association NOT because her body is entering withdrawals and seeking relief. THIS means that she can easily quit by just not putting that white thing into her mouth and lighting a little fire between her lips.

YOu commented that it was hard to quit . IT would be tough if she was addicted BUT she is NOT addicted, so her desire to smoke is mainly a 'want' not a "physical need"
She can stop safely at any time with no side effects and no withdrawal. Show her this post ( However she MAY want to continue more that she wants to quit !)
Good luck.

 

[Interceptor]

I believe we may be missing a key detail here.
It seems obvious to me.

I would like your opinions on my angle.


Muscleman,
You said:

She also told me she loved me on several occassions. I haven't returned with it yet because frankly I've thrown it around a lot in the past and I want to save it for the right moment.

Could this be the true root of our problem here?

What if she thinks you don't really "love" her?

In addition, no offense, but I don't know you....
But do you guys do anything FUN??!
Are you a "fun" guy to be with?

I hate to say it, but could Boredom be the IL killer?
And maybe we think it's just "settling in"?

(BTW, we should never really "relax" and "settle in" SO MUCH that we actually LOSE the fire, fun, and passion we FIRST HAD.)