LTR (oneitis) with mistress. PLEASE READ - HELP!!!!!

[djpadawan]

Hi all,
So i've been seeing this woman for almost 4 years now (on the sly). We met at work and all the right ingredients were there. We work nights, and her husband lives out of the country. It was REALLY hot and heavy for a long time (i'm in my 30s she's in her 40s). Through circumstance and overlapping vacations, we ended up spending a lot of time apart over a period of 4 months. We actually haven't fvcked since May. She was contacting me by text the whole time though, always asking when i was coming back... blah blah blah. When i finally did come back to work, about a month or so ago, i started to become a little more clingy than usual, telling her i love her more than usual, probably due to pvssy withdrawal. That's powerful stuff, you all can attest to that. Looking back i noticed that i was supplicating a lot. Essentially i was going AFC. I tried to arrange dates to only have plans not pan out (she uses her family as an excuse a lot).

One night about a month ago, one of my co-workers overheard one of our phone conversations, and confronted me about it. I didn't admit to anything, but i think the thought of being found out really freaked her out. So now she's been really distant lately. The only action since i've been back is a bj in her car after work. I even went so far as to ask, 'are we ok?', to which she replied, 'yes'. Well, she hasn't been texting or calling me since our last broken date (a week ago last Fri). She did text to say she was sorry about not being able to go out. No counteroffer though. :cuss: I replied 'no worries', but i have been purposefully not placing myself in her workspace (it's a big place) and 'no contact'.

So my questions are:

1) is this no contact strategy going to work?
or

2) have i wussed myself out of the game and i'm past the point of no return?

3) i need all of your analyses on this one (WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?)

4) can it really go south in such a short period after 3+ years?

PS - as of this post, we haven't officially broken up, but i got my game plan of indifference ready if we do cross paths... these posts + book of pook help a lot too. i read it whenever i need a pep talk.

i need your help please, how do i handle this situation? I don NOT want to be judged. I have my family life BUT i still wanna keep my mistress around...


> i was thinking of either purchasing John Alexander's 'how to get a woman to come back in 30 days or less'

http://re-attraction.com/ebook.php

>or Matt Huston's Ex2 system

http://www.exgirlfriendguru.com/

please help. i don't know what to do! Thanks in advance

 

[romangod]

So my questions are:

1) is this no contact strategy going to work?
or

2) have i wussed myself out of the game and i'm past the point of no return?

3) i need all of your analyses on this one (WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?)

4) can it really go south in such a short period after 3+ years?


i need your help please, how do i handle this situation? I don NOT want to be judged. I have my family life BUT i still wanna keep my mistress around...


please help. i don't know what to do! Thanks in advance

1) No


2) Yes


3) The natural outcome.


4) Yes. Many marriages don't last that long.


Whatever you do will not be the right thing because you're not even on the same page any more. You developed AFC feelings for a married woman who'd rather have the plague. You wussed out, which is the kiss of death.



You're welcome.

Cheers!

 

[djpadawan]

did i mention a) i was also married? b) we work together so contact is inevitable.

what do i do when that happens?

 

[romangod]

did i mention a) i was also married? b) we work together so contact is inevitable.

what do i do when that happens?

Prepare for a divorce.



Cheers!

 

[djpadawan]

i'm not computing... please expand

 

[jophil28]

You just found out how a woman can flip the switch to "OFF" when you become 'inconvenient' to her.

SHe was merely getting from you some fun romance and sex that she missed in her marriage.
She has a greater investment in her marriage and in her job than she does in you. That is why she is willing to withdraw from you.
Your "wussing" over her by using the L word placed her in a difficult situation. She then had to respond and reciprocate, or retreat. Her subsequent action told you what she was thinking .

Affairs with a married woman are inevitably a losing bet because she does not regard you as a 'real' contender who is worthy of her devotion. She is already devoted to her marriage because that brings her stability and security. You are her fun guy and her distraction...and very disposable.

 

[grinder]

So my questions are:

1) is this no contact strategy going to work?
or

2) have i wussed myself out of the game and i'm past the point of no return?

3) i need all of your analyses on this one (WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?)

4) can it really go south in such a short period after 3+ years?

1) NO. She will inevitably contact you in some way purely out of curiosity and concern that you have not stroked her ego recently and you will misinterpret this as an indication of interest. It is not an IOI. But, most likely you will capitulate anyway, thus continuing the downward spiral.
2) YES and NO. Her interest was lost before you wussed out. Wussing out did help to drive the interest lower, however. The actual point of return began before you even started with the AFC behavior.
3) As had been stated previously: “CLICK” you are off. If you are familiar with chess then, essentially, your overall board position was weak (you are not her king and you have no real power in the game). You control nothing. This, by default, makes you weak.
4) As painful as it may seem “It” was never a very large part of her life. No commitments were made, no real property exchanged, and significant amounts of cash were not involved. A marriage meets this, not a fling, however long, or seemingly “meaningful”.

 

[djpadawan]

1) NO. She will inevitably contact you in some way purely out of curiosity and concern that you have not stroked her ego recently and you will misinterpret this as an indication of interest. It is not an IOI. But, most likely you will capitulate anyway, thus continuing the downward spiral.
2) YES and NO. Her interest was lost before you wussed out. Wussing out did help to drive the interest lower, however. The actual point of return began before you even started with the AFC behavior.
3) As had been stated previously: ``CLICK`` you are off. If you are familiar with chess then, essentially, your overall board position was weak (you are not her king and you have no real power in the game). You control nothing. This, by default, makes you weak.
4) As painful as it may seem ``It`` was never a very large part of her life. No commitments were made, no real property exchanged, and significant amounts of cash were not involved. A marriage meets this, not a fling, however long, or seemingly ``meaningful``.

so is there anyway to put myself back in the driver's seat? i'm going to get the ex2 system. and i'm always on the lookout for another filly to add to the stable

 

[grinder]

so is there anyway to put myself back in the driver's seat? i'm going to get the ex2 system. and i'm always on the lookout for another filly to add to the stable

ANYTHING you focus your attention on will become important to you. Whether that thing reciprocates or not is utterly irrelevant. If you stare with rapt attention at a dull brown rock then, after some time, that rock will become important to you. It becomes self-reinforcing.

Even after you have the epiphany that the dull brown rock, really is dull and it really is brown, and it really could care less whether you live or die, and yet you STILL care about it, then you finally begin to grasp the mind-fvck that occurs with the hyper-attention that occurs in a Oneitis type of situation.

Now that you know the cause, the solution is evident: change your focus! Tear your eyes off the dull brown rock and look at ANYTHING else. The application of plate theory, or of “fvcking more women” applies here. But take one step beyond this and see that really it is a lack of balance, and of a well-rounded fulfilling life that is the root cause.

Personally, I am a proponent of plate theory. Look it up but it’s not as simple as it seems. Hyper reflection on multiple women is just as unbalanced as hyper reflection on just one.

But, above all else, turn your attention away from this one.

 

[djpadawan]

ANYTHING you focus your attention on will become important to you. Whether that thing reciprocates or not is utterly irrelevant. If you stare with rapt attention at a dull brown rock then, after some time, that rock will become important to you. It becomes self-reinforcing.

Even after you have the epiphany that the dull brown rock, really is dull and it really is brown, and it really could care less whether you live or die, and yet you STILL care about it, then you finally begin to grasp the mind-fvck that occurs with the hyper-attention that occurs in a Oneitis type of situation.

Now that you know the cause, the solution is evident: change your focus! Tear your eyes off the dull brown rock and look at ANYTHING else. The application of plate theory, or of ``fvcking more women`` applies here. But take one step beyond this and see that really it is a lack of balance, and of a well-rounded fulfilling life that is the root cause.

Personally, I am a proponent of plate theory. Look it up but it`s not as simple as it seems. Hyper reflection on multiple women is just as unbalanced as hyper reflection on just one.

But, above all else, turn your attention away from this one.

thank you thank you thank you Grinder. finally some useful real world applicaton. Actaully i've been keeping pretty busy, working out a lot, lost 10 lbs, got my registration and counseling appointment for school, and focusing more on spending time with my family... good to know i'm taking a step in the right direction... thanx again!