LTR just broke up with me, welcome me back fellas

[blong1068]

I doubt anyone here remembers me, as I didn't post all that much even when I was here every day 7 or 8 years ago. But I've always lurked a little, even though months may pass between each visit.

Forgive me if I tend to ramble or if my sentence structure isn't very good, this went down just 20 minutes ago, and I'm trying to wrap my head around it.


I'll be 29 in a month and I'm single again. I really thought I had found my future wife and mother to my children. She had a fantastic family, she wasn't crazy (for a chick), and she is was pretty intelligent. 2.5 years together, about 2.2 of those being really, really great, and it's all canceled out now.


She told me about 2 months ago that she wasn't happy with the relationship and told me why.
1.) I was too emotional, which I agree with. Women never want to see a man cry, and I tend to let my emotions sizzle near the surface, so it's hard to keep them back. My grandaddy dying just over a year ago has added to that considerably, though.

2.) I was indecisive, which I also agreed with. I'm a pretty mellow guy, so I don't care what we do on any given night. I'd always just ask her what she wanted to do, instead of deciding what to do and doing it.

3.) I'm too much of a smart alec. That's just how I am, if you set me up, I can't help but give a witty comment about it. She has always had a problem with that, but apparently she never could get used to it, even though I have toned it down considerably.

She said because of those things she had lost attraction for me. She was no longer sexually attracted to me, but wanted to continue the relationship and hope it gets better. So I got back on here and began reading every post Rollo Tomassi made, a lot of bible stuff, even Roissy type things. I pulled away, not calling her, not texting, not using messenger or facebook and it seemed to be working. But then this weekend she was hot and cold with me, I could tell something was wrong but didn't know what. So now it's over, and I'm stuck in a small town, with very few friends here (lost my job in Atlanta, going back to school and staying with parents) and even they don't or just can't go out or even hang out. So I'm back at SoSuave, the place that kept me sane after my break up with my first girlfriend, close to a decade ago.

I'm not really asking a question, at least not yet. Just saying hello, this is my abbreviated story, expect to see me around pretty often now.

 

[OamImrsNemo]

Sorry to hear that buddy.

But be excited now for all the poont@ng you can chase now! Endless possibilitys!

You need to start reconstructing your life and doing things that will make you feel better about you!

Start working out, Get a hair cut, New clothes, Wash your car and clean the inside.

Start having fun with the guys. Single can be a great relief for some after a relationship it all depends on how you turn it. You can either push her farther away by being an afc all up in her business. Or you can be a man about it and maker her super jealous by living your life to the fullest and not missing her one bit.

Just an idea your on the right track posting her go to the tips thread and find the break up one.


Good luck!

 

[runner83]

Good luck man!

Just keep in there. You're still young.

Kind of tough in a small town, so might want to move back to the big smoke when you can.

I believe a wise man once said "you haven't broken up...you've dodged a bullet..." or similar.

 

[L B]

Always better to find out now then years later. Give it some time to work on yourself like the others have said. Get your career back on track and enjoy the single life again. Think of this as a great opportunity to start a new life. Be glad you're not stuck with kids...

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Blong,
Sorry to hear about your Grand Father...As to your Woman,they come and go,forget about your warmth and emotionalism turning her off,that is unusual,and is generally a big plus with Women if not Anglo Men...As to being friends,forget it and no going back.

 

[Zarky]

You should have been dating multiple women until your wedding day, IMHO. I've been in a LTR with a girl for SEVEN YEARS and I date others too.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I pulled away, not calling her, not texting, not using messenger or facebook and it seemed to be working. But then this weekend she was hot and cold with me, I could tell something was wrong but didn't know what.

First of all, no contact means NO contact. If you pulled up stakes and then saw her on the weekend in order for her to be 'hot & cold', you had contact with her. That said, understand that a woman's coquetry (hot & cold) after a break up or a period of no contact following her disqualifying you (for all the reasons you listed) is a form of sh!t testing. It's her subconscious trying to affirm that you are in fact a beta AFC, and her decision to split from you was warranted. She's just checking back to see that she'll have no future regrets. Also add to this that she still may account you among her sources of attention and that she may be assessing your value in contrast to other men she's now seeing.

No matter though. You don't want to be a party to any of this. She did you a favor. You've been patiently monogamous with delusions of playing house with your mythical 'quality woman' in a time where you should've been spinning plates, enjoying the prime of your life and developing into a confident manhood. Fortunately for you I have a crystal ball here that tells me in the next 10 years your personal value will skyrocket into maturity - IF you make your mission your focus, not women and domestication - while hers will decline straight into the wall in about 3 to 4 years. You haven't a clue how much your sexual market value will increase in this time; in fact the greater danger is in acknowledging the power of that potential and squandering it away with an unappreciative b!tch. Trust me, when you're 35, have a direction in life, and have the value and maturity that an aging spinster bitterly cannot find, your greatest challenge will be in putting her off when she flatters you about "how you've changed" and how she wished she'd seen you for the man you 'really' are, etc. etc. blah blah blah.

Female hypergamy IS the Game. Learn to use it to your advantage.

 

[L B]

First of all, no contact means NO contact. If you pulled up stakes and then saw her on the weekend in order for her to be 'hot & cold', you had contact with her. That said, understand that a woman's coquetry (hot & cold) after a break up or a period of no contact following her disqualifying you (for all the reasons you listed) is a form of sh!t testing. It's her subconscious trying to affirm that you are in fact a beta AFC, and her decision to split from you was warranted. She's just checking back to see that she'll have no future regrets. Also add to this that she still may account you among her sources of attention and that she may be assessing your value in contrast to other men she's now seeing.

No matter though. You don't want to be a party to any of this. She did you a favor. You've been patiently monogamous with delusions of playing house with your mythical 'quality woman' in a time where you should've been spinning plates, enjoying the prime of your life and developing into a confident manhood. Fortunately for you I have a crystal ball here that tells me in the next 10 years your personal value will skyrocket into maturity - IF you make your mission your focus, not women and domestication - while hers will decline straight into the wall in about 3 to 4 years. You haven't a clue how much your sexual market value will increase in this time; in fact the greater danger is in acknowledging the power of that potential and squandering it away with an unappreciative b!tch. Trust me, when you're 35, have a direction in life, and have the value and maturity that an aging spinster bitterly cannot find, your greatest challenge will be in putting her off when she flatters you about "how you've changed" and how she wished she'd seen you for the man you 'really' are, etc. etc. blah blah blah.

Female hypergamy IS the Game. Learn to use it to your advantage.

So much wisdom, I bow to thee.

 

[3countriesPlan]

Welcome back.. 29 isn't old at all man. Besides if this girl is trouble now shes going to be even worse 10 years down the line and when you have 3 kids and mortgage to pay off you are going to really feel trapped. This is your new beginning and you can now use what you have learned on this site to filter out the trash and get that girl who will treat you right and of also not make you worry. Some relationships are just tight like that and hopefully you can use the wisdom on this site to make it happen.

 

[blong1068]

First of all, no contact means NO contact. If you pulled up stakes and then saw her on the weekend in order for her to be 'hot & cold', you had contact with her. That said, understand that a woman's coquetry (hot & cold) after a break up or a period of no contact following her disqualifying you (for all the reasons you listed) is a form of sh!t testing. It's her subconscious trying to affirm that you are in fact a beta AFC, and her decision to split from you was warranted. She's just checking back to see that she'll have no future regrets. Also add to this that she still may account you among her sources of attention and that she may be assessing your value in contrast to other men she's now seeing.

No matter though. You don't want to be a party to any of this. She did you a favor. You've been patiently monogamous with delusions of playing house with your mythical 'quality woman' in a time where you should've been spinning plates, enjoying the prime of your life and developing into a confident manhood. Fortunately for you I have a crystal ball here that tells me in the next 10 years your personal value will skyrocket into maturity - IF you make your mission your focus, not women and domestication - while hers will decline straight into the wall in about 3 to 4 years. You haven't a clue how much your sexual market value will increase in this time; in fact the greater danger is in acknowledging the power of that potential and squandering it away with an unappreciative b!tch. Trust me, when you're 35, have a direction in life, and have the value and maturity that an aging spinster bitterly cannot find, your greatest challenge will be in putting her off when she flatters you about "how you've changed" and how she wished she'd seen you for the man you 'really' are, etc. etc. blah blah blah.

Female hypergamy IS the Game. Learn to use it to your advantage.

I wasn't trying to go no contact at that time, I was just not calling her, and when she called I'd keep all convos very short. I also quit hanging out with her as often. But now that it's over, I'm completely no contact. I'm not doing it in hopes of getting her back eventually, simply because it's the best way for me to get over a breakup.

What really bothers me is how quickly a woman can go from "in love" to no emotional attachment at all. I thought that was only BPD women who could do that, but even the "normal" ones can too. I see now that this relationship ending is for the best, though that doesn't make it much easier to deal with.

Thanks to you all for your support. This place (the people who inhabit it) has helped me throughout my adult life and will continue to do so as I work to better myself.

 

[Desdinova]

Wow, welcome back! I initially joined this site 2 months before you did (if you wanna know my old username, send me a PM).

The difference between you and me is I DID get married. I discovered she was cheating on me back in March and ended it.

Just got out of a STR and I'm doing the bootcamp. The bootcamp wasn't around when you and me found this place. I'm doing it to give myself a kickstart back in the dating game. I might suggest you do the same. Things get rusty after 8 years of not doing anything

 

[Falcon25]

The three mistakes; emotional, indicisive, and irritable are all FEMALE traits. Read that sentence again. Then, go outside and slap yourself as hard as you can. When I read this, it was almost as if a woman was writing it. I could go and on, but it's the same mistake. Man loses self control, man is emotional, woman loses attraction to him, he is gone. She wants a man to shut the fubk up and bang the crap out of her, make her feel good with attention and fake drama, and feed her. That's it.

 

[frencha]

I wasn't trying to go no contact at that time, I was just not calling her, and when she called I'd keep all convos very short. I also quit hanging out with her as often. But now that it's over, I'm completely no contact. I'm not doing it in hopes of getting her back eventually, simply because it's the best way for me to get over a breakup.

What really bothers me is how quickly a woman can go from "in love" to no emotional attachment at all. I thought that was only BPD women who could do that, but even the "normal" ones can too. I see now that this relationship ending is for the best, though that doesn't make it much easier to deal with.

Thanks to you all for your support. This place (the people who inhabit it) has helped me throughout my adult life and will continue to do so as I work to better myself.

I'm there with ya bud. Mine wasn't as long but almost the same story. I'm dealing with the pain but by God I will become an animal because of this!!

Hang in there. I'd suggest reading "Who moved my cheese".

 

[blong1068]

The three mistakes; emotional, indicisive, and irritable are all FEMALE traits. Read that sentence again. Then, go outside and slap yourself as hard as you can. When I read this, it was almost as if a woman was writing it. I could go and on, but it's the same mistake. Man loses self control, man is emotional, woman loses attraction to him, he is gone. She wants a man to shut the fubk up and bang the crap out of her, make her feel good with attention and fake drama, and feed her. That's it.

You are absolutely right.

I got too comfortable in the relationship. I made her the center piece of my life, quit hanging out with friends, quit going out at all basically unless it was with her. So when I'm always with her, I'm no longer a challenge, she knows I'm faithful and not looking for other women. That's when the relationship was over, 6 months ago, I just didn't know it.

I think one of the biggest problems I have is that I've never actually picked a woman. Every relationship I've had they have picked me. I wasn't pursuing them, they actively sought me out, so I've really never even tried to pick a quality woman. I just take whatever comes my way. That will not happen again. I will be spinning plates, and IF (big IF) I ever do choose to have a girlfriend again, it will be on my terms.

Desdinova: I will begin that bootcamp, I need it badly. I went out this weekend with my buddies that I haven't seen in a long time and I didn't know what to do. I used to be masterful at ****y/funny and perfect neg hits, but I felt lost this weekend. I have to get out there and remember what it's like to meet new people, not just women, and learn how to talk to them. I know I'll get it back, it will just take some time. I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, but congrats on the divorce! (gotta put a positive spin on things, right?)

 

[Desdinova]

I think one of the biggest problems I have is that I've never actually picked a woman. Every relationship I've had they have picked me. I wasn't pursuing them, they actively sought me out, so I've really never even tried to pick a quality woman. I just take whatever comes my way.

I'd have to say that I'm a bit guilty of this as well. I generally didn't have to do any approaches because I usually got approached. It made things so easy. Back then I had the personality of 'The Great Catch'. I became incrediby enthusiastic, happy, and outgoing. I had a lot of that sucked out of me after my 5hitty marriage, so that's something I'll have to work at polishing up.

 

[darkstarrr]

I think one of the biggest problems I have is that I've never actually picked a woman. Every relationship I've had they have picked me. I wasn't pursuing them, they actively sought me out, so I've really never even tried to pick a quality woman. I just take whatever comes my way.

I'd have to say that I'm a bit guilty of this as well. I generally didn't have to do any approaches because I usually got approached. It made things so easy. Back then I had the personality of 'The Great Catch'. I became incrediby enthusiastic, happy, and outgoing. I had a lot of that sucked out of me after my 5hitty marriage, so that's something I'll have to work at polishing up.

This is exactly so with me, too. I believe I was sort of a late bloomer when it comes to gaming women, because all 4 of my LTRs were with women that pursued me, with ~6 - 9 month intervals in between. During that time I was barely able to learn much about the art of pursuing successfully, and ultimately I ended up right back where I began - with an outgoing women who came onto me. Bootcamp time for me too.

I'm not sure if this has something to do with our personality types being shy, or that we posess[ed] some insecurities. I've learned over the years, however, that it can be a slippery slope when we end up with women that select us, because it can be as easy for them to go as it is for them to come. Pun intended.
:kick:

Edit:
actually thats a lie, the young lady i most recently dated i pursued first :flowers:

 

[blong1068]

This is exactly so with me, too. I believe I was sort of a late bloomer when it comes to gaming women, because all 4 of my LTRs were with women that pursued me, with ~6 - 9 month intervals in between. During that time I was barely able to learn much about the art of pursuing successfully, and ultimately I ended up right back where I began - with an outgoing women who came onto me. Bootcamp time for me too.

I'm not sure if this has something to do with our personality types being shy, or that we posess[ed] some insecurities. I've learned over the years, however, that it can be a slippery slope when we end up with women that select us, because it can be as easy for them to go as it is for them to come. Pun intended.
:kick:

Edit:
actually thats a lie, the young lady i most recently dated i pursued first :flowers:

I feel like I've made a breakthrough with this. I really never thought about it. I've not progressed because I've never had to. I've always been fine with being single, so I've really never actively sought anyone out. I believe every relationship I've had the girl has just been infatuated with me, it was based on looks entirely. So when that fades after a year or two, there is nothing left. And since I'm just glad that somebody likes me, I don't notice anything wrong the whole time.

I am pretty shy and was fat growing up so I have those insecurities. I'm now almost 29 and in the absolute best shape of my life. I actually find an excuse to take my shirt off now, whereas before I would find any reason not to.

I've always had such an incredible fear of rejection, so I just never took a chance on anything where I may get rejected. I know there is nothing to lose in approaching women, but it's still very difficult for me. I've got to get past this if I ever want to reach my full potential.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm not sure if this has something to do with our personality types being shy, or that we posess[ed] some insecurities.

I don't think this had anything to do with it, at least for me. I just put myself out there to get noticed with my outgoing personality and my talent. I also think I tend to give off the aura of a rock star. It's really difficult to explain, but people seem to generally gravitate toward me. I've dated maybe a total of one woman who didn't pursue me first.

Rejection doesn't really bother me. My problem right now is trying to get my outgoing personality back. It's been buried by being domesticated over the last few years. All I need is a bit of practice and I should be able to bounce back. Hence, the bootcamp. Week one is dragging for me. I'm anxious to get on to week two!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

What really bothers me is how quickly a woman can go from "in love" to no emotional attachment at all. I thought that was only BPD women who could do that, but even the "normal" ones can too.

For men, this is an unfortunate byproduct of female hypergamy, and not limited to just the 'crazy ones'. The more a woman's perceived self-value becomes greater than that of the man she's paired herself with (i.e. she thinks he's "out of her league"), the greater the potential for infidelity becomes. Along with that comes an increased capacity to insulate herself emotionally from what she knows will be an inevitable break up.

As Men we have no real frame of reference for this dynamic, particularly when we become the passive 'in-love' partner. We think, "my God, what a heartless b!tch" to be able to so deftly turn her emotions on and off so conveniently - and after all you've done for her (see acting like an AFC). This is especially confusing for men because the social convention of the Feminine Mystique has long conditioned us to believe that women are ruled by their emotions. So a woman who could so readily turn all of that off at a moments notice must be somewhat of a sociopath. Either that or there must really be something wrong with you as a man.

As cruel as all that sounds, this is a subconscious process of feminine hypergamy. Women will constantly sh!t test for the same reason - to verify and reaffirm the best mating selection. If she should reach the conclusion that a man is not her best mating choice, and/or she is presented with a superior choice she will begin the mental process of disconnecting her emotional investment well before the actual break up.

 

[Da Realist]

Sorry to hear what happened. But if you want the truth, it's not hard getting another woman. You can get one to tide yourself over once you pick yourself up a little. If there is one thing I have realized is that when you have the death of anything in your life, he world doesn't stop: it keeps going. That can be a cruel thing at first, but then you notice that life also bring new opportunities and you just have to be man enough to keep going so you can see the great things that come with a new day.