LTR feels like it's in jeopardy

[JimmyBizzle]

Quick background:

We met in College, we practically lived together up there, staying over with each other every single night, and then eventually really living with each other up there for a couple months at the beginning of this year. Parents obviously never knew how much we "lived" together.

Well we finally had to move out of our college town when we graduated and go back to jobs and closer to home. Her parents are very strict in the mexican culture and catholicism so us moving in together would be frowned upon big time. She moved back in at her parents house, sharing a little room with her 8 year old sister(she's 24) and she started working the first real 40 hour job in an office that she's ever had in her life. All of this=bigtime stress and a constant bad mood and a negative outlook on life from her.

I on the other hand got a 1 bedroom apt. around the same area all to myself, where she could come and spend as much time as she wanted over there. But she would always worry about what her parents back at her home would think now and would rarely spend the night.

This started putting some big time distance between us, going from seeing each other almost every day and night for about 2 years, to this being cut down drastically.

This distance has affected our sex life greatly too. We used to sleep with each other every single night, now this rarely happens. coupled with her constant bad moods about her living and work situation. Her constant bad moods about her living and work situation are also huge roadblocks when it comes to trying to remedy our sex life.

Now:

Well she has been pulling back more and more and it seems like she has been trying to put a huge distance between us. She said once that she doesn't see a future for us and wants a break. I said no to a break, I said it's either all or nothing, so she stayed around.

This distance she's putting out there has been going on for a couple months and finally this weekend she completely blew me off on Halloween. I called her Saturday to make plans with her but she never returned any of my calls or texts. Well I was heading down to her side of town to meet some of my friends for some early food and drinks and I stopped by her house. She was out taking her sister and cousin trick or treating so I just told her parents to let her know I stopped by.

Well she finally texted me that night a few hours later saying:

"Hey I just got home. I already have plans. I will call you tomorrow."

Now we've been talking about doing stuff together that night, no real concrete plans or anything cause I know she likes to take her sister out early on. So I find that pretty unloving and disrespectful for her to respond to me like that.

I responded with "Oh ok, just trying to see if you wanted to hang out together tonight."

No response.

So I did my own thing and later on I texted her when I was drunk and asked what she was up to and she said she was bar hopping and party hopping with her girlfriends back up in our college town which is about an hour away.

Well that's the last time I've had contact with her. She pissed me off cause I feel like she blew me off so I just waited to see if she would call Sunday like she said she would. She never did.

I finally sent her a text monday evening that just says "hey".

No response.

So later I sent her a final one that simply says "obviously u need space and gotta figure stuff out so if u ever need me u know how to reach me."

*phew*

Any thoughts and feelings on this situation or what action I should take from here?

 

[Jitterbug]

Sorry to say, but your GF has already mentally dumped you. She just hasn't told you yet. However, her actions (ignoring you, then bar hopping with college friends) have pretty much told the whole story.

So dump her and get on with your life.

There's a thread around here started by Metaphysical that is a damn good guide. You should check it out.

 

[JimmyBizzle]

I started to spin some plates on the side as she was making a distance between us, cause I've had a fear this is coming.

But how do you dump someone who communicates like a 4 year old? Should I just go about my life and wait for her to finally contact me?

 

[amoka]

Dump the girl

I started to spin some plates on the side as she was making a distance between us, cause I've had a fear this is coming.

But how do you dump someone who communicates like a 4 year old? Should I just go about my life and wait for her to finally contact me?

This will be hard to do but to save your sanity, you better stop contacting this chick. Your constant contact with her indicates you're need her. In relationship, the person who needs the other less contacts the other less, so to save your balls, just stop contacting her. She will contact you in a week or two, don't respond to her.

 

[vitor]

Why oh why do people keep going back for a beating. I know its hard but she has been slowly telling you its over for a long time and you just kept pushing it. The only hope you had was playing it cool like you didnt care. I know it sucks but its over, do not contact her again, let her contact you, and mentally try your best to move on.

Sosuave Man Law #326 - When your girlfriend/date ignores your calls or text two times in a row, never call her again...Never Randomly stop by her house either.

 

[jophil28]

You want my opinion? No ? OK, here it comes like it or not.

You and she were an item while she and you were undergrads. You provided her with the emotional stability that she needed at that time - she was distant from her parents (and their rigid stucture) so she used her relationship with you for equilibrium, and feeling of safety.
When she started to work, she started to believe that she could support herself - self sufficiency felt good. She also realized that she had other social options, and now she is seeking them out.

She signalled the end of your relationship when she said that she did not see a future together with you and "wanted a break". That is womanspeek for "you are so dumped -I just have not decided on which day to tell you yet."

Take this advice ( thanks to Unbridled Phoenix) "When a woman pulls back a step, YOU pull back two."

Her behavior is telling you that she is moving on. Behavior has it's own language, and the greatest truth is in her behavior.

Tough break.

 

[jophil28]

So later I sent her a final one that simply says "obviously u need space and gotta figure stuff out so if u ever need me u know how to reach me."

Did you often speak to her in this style ?

 

[JimmyBizzle]

On occasion when she would go into one of her cold shoulder/no contact crazy girl moods. I would do it just to say hey I tried now the ball's in your court.

 

[DavenJuan]

Jimmy,

Unfortunately, i competely agree with Jophil.

she has indicated in every possible fashion other than verbalizing, that she is no longer INTERESTED in this relatioship.

the ONLY thing that will continue to happen is the DISRESPECT and the overall disregard for your feelings, assuming you continue to "salvage" the relationship.

its tough when you have been in a LTR that long and then all of a sudden the women you KNEW is no longer inside of that person you recognize.

there is some very good information on breakups on this site that i would research if i were you. its not easy, but having the ability to WALK is very powerful.

 

[Colossus]

It's over buddy.

Rarely do college relationships survive past graduation. Graduation is basically the critical point where the sequestered life you had together is broken up and you both have to face the realities of getting a full time job, moving back home, and not seeing each other everyday.

Let me tell you man, her behavior is EXACTLY the same as my college LTR when she graduated (a year before me). Distance, steadily increasing ambivalence to you and your feelings, no desire for sex, and eventually outright blowing you off. This girl has branch-SWUNG, my friend.

Do yourself a tremendous Man-favor and don't ever call, text, or contact her again. She flat-out told you she doesn't see you two having a future together and now she is at the lowest possible interest level, which is straight-up ignoring you. Any further contact from you at this point would just be undignified and you will regret it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The only way to keep her would be to strike a deal with her parents where they get to be in charge of the rest of your life. She has already made the choice that they will run her life.

 

[muscleman]

Agreed with Colossus and jophil, it's over. If she has anything of yours (I assume she doesn't), get it back. That's the only loose end left. If there's nothing [important], don't ever talk to her again. Get rid of stuff that reminds you of her and delete her from your phone, then go sarge! Trust me she's doing the same.

 

[Sinistar]

Agreed with Colossus and jophil, it's over. If she has anything of yours (I assume she doesn't), get it back. That's the only loose end left. If there's nothing [important], don't ever talk to her again. Get rid of stuff that reminds you of her and delete her from your phone, then go sarge! Trust me she's doing the same.

Ditto - IT IS 100% OVER!

Now your at the intersection where DJ highway has a on/off ramp to Chump circle.

Chump circle is easy. Its just takes you back to where you've been. You keep wondering and analyzing and finding/making excuses to text, write, call, stop by. Only Chumps do this when they know what you currently know (which is a lot more than you think if you'd accept actions over words). Chumps need closure. Chumps need to "say goodbye". Chumps need to "be friends afterwards". You get the point. That feeling to always have another word (aka contact - probably psych stuff akin to a fear of mommy being gone). In the end, all excuses to avoid the cold hard truth of it being over.

As I've stated before, this is where she will best you at your own game. You think all the closure BS is good (remember, you secretly believe it will win her back). But she's on to that because each day she is nearing total indifference. As she becomes completely indifferent, no matter what you do each and every action will push her farther away. And with each push, she'll get more stressed (LOL - she probably deserves some of it). Eventually, she'll have you all twisted up, you'll screw up, she'll feel threatened (or say she is) and then she'll have her excuse to dump you hard with no regrets.

Doesn't that sound fun. Over 90% of all guys will take this very path. You most likely will too.

Or you can get back on the DJ highway. It keeps moving forward.

Accept it right now in your head that you may very well never see or hear from her ever again (unless it's a truly random event). That part hurts for a bit, but the hurt is over with a lot sooner than the other route. You'll meet other women. About then she'll come back around after the guy or two she's interested in right now move on. But you'll be the man who knows cold hard facts, once a LTR has gone sour it is never worth the energy to resume (think Rollo's analogy of trash already hauled to curb). So your answer to her will be silence - no text messages or emails or letters - at all! Just silence because you are indifferent by now too and know that its the man's job to keep things ended (even though she ended it).

Your choice. Either way it's over. Are you taking the suck-arse route or the path that betters your life.

ps. She pretty much used you and dumped you. You were probably more a FB than BF because if she was truly into you she wouldn't be able to flake on you like this w/o feeling so sh!tty that she'd already have apologized by now. In a way she flaked on you like a girl on a second date - but after knowing each other for years. When you think of it that way, you thought you were in a relationship with her but she was never really ever in one with you. Makes you think doesn't it? Maybe that will help you pick which way to go.

 

[cordoncordon]

Ditto - IT IS 100% OVER!

Now your at the intersection where DJ highway has a on/off ramp to Chump circle.

Chump circle is easy. Its just takes you back to where you've been. You keep wondering and analyzing and finding/making excuses to text, write, call, stop by. Only Chumps do this when they know what you currently know (which is a lot more than you think if you'd accept actions over words). Chumps need closure. Chumps need to "say goodbye". Chumps need to "be friends afterwards". You get the point. That feeling to always have another word (aka contact - probably psych stuff akin to a fear of mommy being gone). In the end, all excuses to avoid the cold hard truth of it being over.

As I've stated before, this is where she will best you at your own game. You think all the closure BS is good (remember, you secretly believe it will win her back). But she's on to that because each day she is nearing total indifference. As she becomes completely indifferent, no matter what you do each and every action will push her farther away. And with each push, she'll get more stressed (LOL - she probably deserves some of it). Eventually, she'll have you all twisted up, you'll screw up, she'll feel threatened (or say she is) and then she'll have her excuse to dump you hard with no regrets.

Doesn't that sound fun. Over 90% of all guys will take this very path. You most likely will too.

Or you can get back on the DJ highway. It keeps moving forward.

Accept it right now in your head that you may very well never see or hear from her ever again (unless it's a truly random event). That part hurts for a bit, but the hurt is over with a lot sooner than the other route. You'll meet other women. About then she'll come back around after the guy or two she's interested in right now move on. But you'll be the man who knows cold hard facts, once a LTR has gone sour it is never worth the energy to resume (think Rollo's analogy of trash already hauled to curb). So your answer to her will be silence - no text messages or emails or letters - at all! Just silence because you are indifferent by now too and know that its the man's job to keep things ended (even though she ended it).

Your choice. Either way it's over. Are you taking the suck-arse route or the path that betters your life.

ps. She pretty much used you and dumped you. You were probably more a FB than BF because if she was truly into you she wouldn't be able to flake on you like this w/o feeling so sh!tty that she'd already have apologized by now. In a way she flaked on you like a girl on a second date - but after knowing each other for years. When you think of it that way, you thought you were in a relationship with her but she was never really ever in one with you. Makes you think doesn't it? Maybe that will help you pick which way to go.

Gold. PURE GOLD. Awesome way to put things in perspective.

 

[JimmyBizzle]

The one detail I left out is that she just moved into her own place about 5-10 minutes from me with one of her girlfriends just about a week or two ago. Now the hope in the back of my mind this whole time has been that with her getting her own place things will improve and possibly go back to how they used to be with our relationship, cause things were good for the most part all up until we moved apart back in April/may. But after her most recent behavior I just don't know, especially after hearing all the opinions and past experiences here. There's the small part of me that believes it could improve, but I don't know if it's worth the risk of more heartache, despite how strong my feelings are for her and how hot she is.

 

[amoka]

The one detail I left out is that she just moved into her own place about 5-10 minutes from me with one of her girlfriends just about a week or two ago. Now the hope in the back of my mind this whole time has been that with her getting her own place things will improve and possibly go back to how they used to be with our relationship, cause things were good for the most part all up until we moved apart back in April/may. But after her most recent behavior I just don't know, especially after hearing all the opinions and past experiences here. There's the small part of me that believes it could improve, but I don't know if it's worth the risk of more heartache, despite how strong my feelings are for her and how hot she is.

Son, forget about this girl and move on. If things work, it work out. If not, at least you smelt it miles away.

 

[sodbuster]

Well,trust your gut-it said it's over. IT is, your heart and d1ck don't know it yet. As an employer, if you think you should fire someone,you should have a year ago. If they annoy the hell out of you, but you never think about firing them,they just have a personality issue with you -keep them and work on dealing with the personality. When a woman acts like that in my office, she's job shopping. Need to dust off the help wanted ads-I'll need them in a month or so.

Let her go,date other women. She's forgotten how hard she had to work to get you. You are no longer the prize.Maybe she'll remember and come back to you. NOT likely,get on with your life

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Jimmy,
You have had a foretaste of what marriage is all about....No need for drastic measures your relationship is fizzling out like a damp firecracker...start spinning plates soon you are going to need them.

 

[combustiont]

It sucks and it hurts, but let it go.

You're in a transitional point of your life, too. You'll see it over the next year and a half.

Keep the head up.

 

[Mr. Me]

Another vote for it's so over. Please save what's left of your dignity and STOP saying things to her like, "you know where you can reach me if you need me". She doesn't. She won't. She's moved on some time ago. It happened W-A-Y before she said "let's break", if you think about it. She was looking for the out since, when you showed resistance. She opted for grad time, distance and living at home would provide the cover to withdraw. You didn't agree to the break up, so her strategy is to string you along and make herself pretty much unavailable to you until you give up.

The second I read she uttered the word "break", I thought "so now I'm gonna read how it got worse". And I was right. But of course. That's the way it works.

She moved in with her GF for this reason: to live her life. meet guys and have fun.

I know you'd really rather hear otherwise, and are hoping beyond hope that she'll come back, but she's doing exactly the textbook stuff that indicates it's over. Her not returning calls, making herself unavailable, going on with her life without scheduling you into it, no sex... only in your mind does the possibility of things getting better exist. Not in hers. Things have only gotten worse. They won't get better. But they can get worse! Do you want to keep going to the point where she tells you she thinks you're harassing her or something like that, because that's what she'll resort to if you don't give up. She'll end up being pissed at you and faulting you no matter what you do, every little thing. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't and your head will be spinning with "WTF??"

That's in the manual too.

Go 'No Contact' and move on.
Best thing you can do.
Believe us.