LTR FBuddy problem

[Treetz]

Hi all,

I got a problem with my girl and I would like to ask for your advice on the situation.

For more then a year Im with my girlfriend and everthing is cool. She isnt the type that would make you jealous. Every now and then her former f*ckbuddy tries to hook up for a drink...

What I read about this kind of thing on the forum is to just be a men and get over the jealousy, so just let her get the drink with him and just don't care about it because you are the price..

Now I thougt myself not to be jealous but this guy tries to make me look bad.. I had serveral arguments with my girlfriend about him, and how he just plain disrespect her in the past (calling her names, letting her wait for an hour on the street before picking her up) but she didnt get much attention during that time so she stuck to him. One day she told me he called my out on messenger by saying I would dump her for another girl (he just made that up).

After saying that he wanted to have a drink with my girl, she sort of rejected it by saying she had to think about it. She is honest with me, because she tells me everytime he talks to her.

Now this weekend he sended her a text message, saying he was hoping to she her at a party but she wasn't going so he was dissapointed. I asked if she wanted to see him, and she said that see would like that because she isn't mad anymore and its more then a year past she saw him in person...but that if it doesnt happen see doesnt care (I do think she says that just to calm me down)

My problem is that Im pissed off that she wants to see him while he disrespected me.. Also I dont want to forbid her things she wants to do but if she goes there he'll go talking about their fbuddy time..and I just get pissed off by the very thought of that..

Like I said I'm not jealous because she meets alot of slick guys at her work and school, but this guy just bugs me out.

Sorry for the long post but just give me your thinking! Im really doubting if I should just let her go or put her to the confontation...him or me..

Thanks in advance

Treetz

 

[Latinoman]

Hi.

Let me tell you something...there is a huge difference between being jelous (insecurity) and expect respect (masculinity). A difference between being controlling (insecurity) and telling a person your expectations in a relationship (masculinity).

I don't tell my woman what to do. But I told her that I live by a code of RESPECT. And in a relationship with her I expect her to respect me AND to safeguard others respect. By doing that...she is respecting the relationship.

How can she safeguard others respect? By not contributing into others disrepecting me.

Going for drinks with a man that used to phuck her (unless is an exhusband and it is just lunch to discuss issues about their kids) or go with a man that show lot of interest in her (even if he never phucked her) is contributing toward him and for that matter other men to lose respect for you. Even if she acts very respectful.

It has nothing to do with "jealousy". It has nothing to do with control. It has to do with respect.

If you tell her...

"Don't go with him. If you go out with him I'm going to dump you. It is disrespectful, so don't go out with him."

...that sounds controlling and jeaolousy. No good. Don't give ultimatums.

But if you say...

"There some things that I expect from my partner in a committed relationship. I expect respect...and I expect from her to NOT contribute toward others losing respect for me. You going for drinks with a man that used to phuck you...you might go thinking you are going to respect me. After all...you are not interested in him. However, the fact you are going for drinks with a man that used to phuck you or even a man that is interested in you is opening the doors for him to disrespect ME and at the very least lose respect for me. Furtheremore, is contributing toward other men that see this to lose respect for me as a man."

She might say: " Do you care what others think?"

And the reply might be: "I only care about your actions as the woman in a committed relationship with me.

But if we are just phuck buddies...then forget what I just said about my expectations. As no one expect a phuck buddy to be with one person.

Do you know what? Now that I was clear about what I expect on the woman that is in a committed relationship with me...and now that you understand those expectations. I'm not going to tell you what to do. Do what you want."

If she goes to that date with him...then you know how much she cares (or don't care) for the relationship.

You see? You cannot tell a woman what to do. But you can tell what you expect from her in a relationship. I mean, she cannot read minds and in an AFC world, she does not have good masculine role models out there. If she still does things that go against your expectations...then you know she cares very little for you or the relationship.

 

[JLance]

Damn dude I would hate to be in that situation after a year of exclusiveness. It's crystal clear that your girl doesn't care about how you feel.

I think it would be very hard to verbally persuade her not to hang out with him. If it was my girl I'd just hang out with her less until the thing blows over. Maybe hang out with a few girls to see how jealous she gets. In the end it's all games. And games have no place in a LTR. No girl that is truly interested would put you through something like that.

It's also crystal clear that this guy wants to fvck her. Tread carefully.

JLance

 

[Phyzzle]

The problem might already by over, but if it comes up again, no ultimatums. Try phrasing it like you're giving her a lesson in ettiquitte.

"Well, you're not really supposed to date other people."

"But it's not a date!"

"Okay, let's go then. What time what place?"

"Uhh, well you can't come, we need privacy/alone time/whatever."

"Yep, it's a date all right. You probably shouldn't go."

If she's a young one, she might not really understand that it's innappropriate.

 

[Treetz]

Thank you guys for the replies.

Im still dealing with the problem since this thing started again last weekend, most of the time he doesnt contact her for three months and then from nowhere he starts to text her again.

Like Latinoman says, it not jealousy but its about respect.Still Im doubting wheter I would let her go, just to see how she handels the situation because if she leaves me afterwards the whole relationship isnt worthy at all.. but on the other hand I think that its just plain disrespecting me..

Although she said she wouldnt really care they didnt meet up, I still think she wants too..

Its a hard decission for me to make, but we sort of closed the discussion
so Im just waiting for him to start a conversation or maybe that we will start a converstation.

Thanks again for the advice! Ill keep you posted on how it unfolds.

Feel free to react!

 

[On Point]

Don't make your decision lightly, but if she won't respect you then you have to be willing to walk away. If she gets the sense that you'll stay with her regardless of what she does she'll walk all over you, and probably leave you when she gets bored.

I think Latinoman's advise is very good.

 

[Treetz]

Yep Latinomans advice is very good..but alot of guys say that you got to be willing to walk away but I if you are in a LTR you try to fix things in my opinion.

So I do think its f*cked up because she doesnt show enough respect, but she can learn to show respect..at least I hope.. so time will tell I guess.