LTR falling apart

[DarkShade]

Hey all, figured I'd ask on here but I think I already know the answer..

I've been in a relatively serious LTR for a few years now with a 26y/o girl who I do have deep feelings for, and I absolutely love her kids (5 and 2y/o). She's very busy with school, so busy in fact that she barely has time for me, even communicating seems to be almost nonexistent. I always find time to meet with her and text her to let her know I'm thinking about her, but she rarely does the same.

I'd like to believe she's just 'busy' but deep down, I know regardless of how busy someone gets, if they care enough they will find the time. I'm the type of person who thinks that communication is absolutely key to success in a relationship, and she's definitely not pulling her weight in this regard. This leads me to believe she has lost interest and is pulling away. We've been 'together' since 2008, gotten serious, pulled back a bit, still remained close. I want her to finish school as soon as possible but only if it means that something good will come of it on my end (as in, maybe some sort of commitment?)

I dunno, sometimes I just want to give up on her but then I remember the kids and how she can be great to me, it's a real see-saw every day...

 

[AMDG]

Why are the kids important to you ?

 

[squirrels]

I'm the type of person who thinks that communication is absolutely key to success in a relationship, and she's definitely not pulling her weight in this regard. This leads me to believe she has lost interest and is pulling away. We've been 'together' since 2008, gotten serious, pulled back a bit, still remained close. I want her to finish school as soon as possible but only if it means that something good will come of it on my end (as in, maybe some sort of commitment?)

You sound like a woman.

No...I take that back...you sound like a starstruck 15-year-old girl. :crackup:

How can you be in an "LTR" with a woman who doesn't even find time to talk with you?? What exactly is your definition of "LTR"??

I think it was a girl I used to fool around with who said, "Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option". This doesn't sound like a "relationship" at all, anywhere except in your head.

 

[Desdinova]

My marriage was the exact same way. I wanted to see if she'd smarten up, come home, and spend some time with the family. In the end, the only thing that was important was her social life, her work, and her extra-curricular activities (which included fvcking some other guy).

Waiting around for her to put effort into something she's not interested in is a waste of your time, not to mention the waste of energy on how frustrated you are.

It seems you already know the answer, so what are you waiting for?

 

[LeftyLoosey]

I don't understand how someone with 200 posts could end up in your situation.

 

[DarkShade]

Just because someone has my affections does not make me a woman, Squirrels. Definition of LTR would be what it stands for, long term relationship, for example, dating her since 2008. Also, I asked for advice, something I've noticed you often skimp on from the posts I've read.

This has only occurred recently, these problems had no cropped up before this, we had excellent communication.

I pretty much already know the answer and have known, maybe it's just wishful thinking.

The kids are important to me because I've never really been around kids or had kids really care/love me the way these do. I guess it's difficult to understand for people who have never had that kind of experience. Because we're wired to distrust love and affection from women, some people believe the same when it comes to kids, when it's not true -- children love unconditionally, they have no ulterior motives. Women, of course, do.

 

[5string]

Actually, squirrels is right. This is not a "relationship" at all. You may think so but it's really not.

I married a gal with two kids. Worst mistake I ever made. Cost me the best years of my life. I thought marrying her was the best thing ever. Loved her kids and wanted to make us a happy little family. How wrong I was. I see the same exact thing happening to you that happened to me, exactly. My friends told me not to do it and I did it anyway. You'll probably do the same.

So here is my advice pain and simple. Get out now and find a woman who has no kids, and is willing to put as much into a relationship as you, and preferably more.

 

[Sue Madre]

Not your kids, not your problem.

Dump her today. That is the best advice you will get about this situation.

 

[sodbuster]

they will be your kids when it's time to pay the orthodontist...but when you give them hell for wrecking your stuff...."you can't yell at MY kids"

What do you do when you're in a leaky rowboat? BAIL

 

[DarkShade]

Yeah I just have to tie up some loose ends and calling it quits.

 

[5string]

Yeah I just have to tie up some loose ends and calling it quits.

You'll be ok. When you get through the pain of it all, you'll be glad you made this decision.

Good luck buddy.

 

[Sue Madre]

What happened to the baby daddies? They probably want nothing to do with her and there is a reason for that.

 

[DarkShade]

Just one father, high school sweetheart, things just didn't work out between them. Already re-engaged to another woman. Not a bad guy, just not father material.

 

[DMSR76]

Just one father, high school sweetheart, things just didn't work out between them. Already re-engaged to another woman. Not a bad guy, just not father material.

But was she wife/mother material? Be careful about placing all the blame on the guys shoulders. It takes two. I sense that you have her on quite the lofty pedestal.

 

[DarkShade]

She has her problems, I'll openly admit, as will she. If she would have just settled into her role as mother instead of a student, she would have made a pretty good wife. Unfortunately she has a lot of stuff to learn and I'm not going to risk wasting the best years of my life waiting to find out if she's going to be worth it in the end.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I'm the type of person who thinks that communication is absolutely key to success in a relationship,..

Communication is NOT the key to success in an LTR, it's what's communicated that is. I'm sure your mom or some touchy-feely therapist would like you to think that all it takes is good communication, but, as with most women, they focus on the context of communication, not the content. That's why your post comes off as feminine.

The medium IS the message.

I hate the term 'Mixed Signals/Messages'. More often than not there's nothing 'Mixed' being communicated and rather it's a failure (willful or not) to read what a woman is communicating. The average guy tends to 'get' exactly what a woman has implied with her words, but it takes practice to read her behavior and then more practice in self-control to apply it to his own interpretation. When a girl goes from hot to cold and back again, THIS IS the message - she's got buyers remorse, you're not her first priority, she's deliberating between you and what she perceives is a better prospect, you were better looking when she was drunk, etc. - the message isn't the 'what ifs', the message IS her own hesitation and how her behavior manifests it. 10 dates before sex? This IS the message. Canceling dates? Flaking? Blowing you off? This IS the message.

Women with high IL wont confuse you. When a woman wants to ƒuck she'll find a way to ƒuck. If she's fluctuating between being into you and then not, put her away for a while and spin other plates. If she sorts it out for herself and pursues you, then you are still playing in your frame and you maintain the value of your attention to her. It's when you patiently wile away your time wondering what the magic formula is that'll bring her around, that's when you lean over into her frame. You need her more than she needs you and she will dictate the terms of her attention.

What most guys think are 'mixed messages' or confusing behavior coming from a woman is simply due to their inability (for whatever reason) to make an accurate interpretation of why she's behaving in such a manner. Usually this boils down to a guy getting so wrapped up in a girl that he'd rather make concessions for this behavior than see it for what it really is. In other words, it's far easier to call it 'mixed messages' or fall back on the old chestnut of how fickle and random women are, when in fact it's simply a rationale to keep themselves on the hook, so to speak, because they lack any real, viable, options with other women in their lives. A woman that has a high IL in a guy has no need (and less motivation) to engage in behaviors that would compromise her status with him. Women of all ILs will shít test, and men will pass or fail accordingly, but a test is more easily recognizable

she would have made a pretty good wife

Uh, no, she wouldn't. Just ask the guy(s) who fathered her children. You WANT her to be a good wife because you lack any other real options - and therefore experience - to make an realistic assessment of her. This is the essence of ONEitis.

 

[speed dawg]

Communication is NOT the key to success in an LTR, it's what's communicated that is. I'm sure your mom or some touchy-feely therapist would like you to think that all it takes is good communication, but, as with most women, they focus on the context of communication, not the content. That's why your post comes off as feminine.

The medium IS the message.

I hate the term 'Mixed Signals/Messages'. More often than not there's nothing 'Mixed' being communicated and rather it's a failure (willful or not) to read what a woman is communicating. The average guy tends to 'get' exactly what a woman has implied with her words, but it takes practice to read her behavior and then more practice in self-control to apply it to his own interpretation. When a girl goes from hot to cold and back again, THIS IS the message - she's got buyers remorse, you're not her first priority, she's deliberating between you and what she perceives is a better prospect, you were better looking when she was drunk, etc. - the message isn't the 'what ifs', the message IS her own hesitation and how her behavior manifests it. 10 dates before sex? This IS the message. Canceling dates? Flaking? Blowing you off? This IS the message.

Women with high IL wont confuse you. When a woman wants to ƒuck she'll find a way to ƒuck. If she's fluctuating between being into you and then not, put her away for a while and spin other plates. If she sorts it out for herself and pursues you, then you are still playing in your frame and you maintain the value of your attention to her. It's when you patiently wile away your time wondering what the magic formula is that'll bring her around, that's when you lean over into her frame. You need her more than she needs you and she will dictate the terms of her attention.

What most guys think are 'mixed messages' or confusing behavior coming from a woman is simply due to their inability (for whatever reason) to make an accurate interpretation of why she's behaving in such a manner. Usually this boils down to a guy getting so wrapped up in a girl that he'd rather make concessions for this behavior than see it for what it really is. In other words, it's far easier to call it 'mixed messages' or fall back on the old chestnut of how fickle and random women are, when in fact it's simply a rationale to keep themselves on the hook, so to speak, because they lack any real, viable, options with other women in their lives. A woman that has a high IL in a guy has no need (and less motivation) to engage in behaviors that would compromise her status with him. Women of all ILs will shít test, and men will pass or fail accordingly, but a test is more easily recognizable



Uh, no, she wouldn't. Just ask the guy(s) who fathered her children. You WANT her to be a good wife because you lack any other real options - and therefore experience - to make an realistic assessment of her. This is the essence of ONEitis.

Posts like these is why this forum needs these AFCs and RAFCs to keep posting stories like this.

Almost makes me laugh, when I look back at when I first found this place. How terrible and brainwashed I really was. I sometimes wonder how I got that way.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

The medium IS the message.

I hate the term 'Mixed Signals/Messages'. More often than not there's nothing 'Mixed' being communicated and rather it's a failure (willful or not) to read what a woman is communicating. Women of all ILs will shít test, and men will pass or fail accordingly, but a test is more easily recognizable

Agree with everything. The message in bold I ask you how?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear DarkShade,
Go no contact right now....you really are being one silly infatuated idiot....don't stuff up your life by chasing this Charlie...No contact because when she realises you have got a back bone she will come grovelling back....please believe the unanimous posting here.

 

[vatoloco]

...and I absolutely love her kids (5 and 2y/o).

"RUN FORREST. RUN!!!!"