Low IL with girl?

[dementia]

Been dating this girl around 9 months. Felt like her IL was moderate the whole time but enough to keep me around as her main guy. We did live together for a while at the start but cos of her being dirty and just doing **** i didnt like i told her we should find seperate places, this put a damper on things and i know she saught other guys out of some weird revenge thing (which she thought i cared about) but i was still the one always around that she'd come to. We never were exclusive but for the most part we werent doing too much with other people. A month or so ago I was having some problems with my living situation and she asked if i wanted to move in with her (single bed apartment), we were talking about it and i was considering it. I thought her IL was pretty high and she really wanted me there all the time with her, which I was happy with. About a week later, she went out like 3 times in a week and i messaged her and told her "thats quite alot, if you want to move forward with our relationship the single girl life has to stop".. or something like that.. Anyway, she didnt come home that night. Her response to me standing my ground was going home with someone. Still we never talked about exclusivity, but still, if I made the decision to move in with her quicker that couldve really put me up **** creek without a paddle.

So i was pissed at first, and let her know about it. She felt bad and went out drinking every night for like 2 weeks with her girlfriends. She was regretful. So we start hanging out again over the past month and it was good, but i guess she never really let that guy go.. which was wierd, cos even her friends were calling her a slut and saying 'dont be suprised if he(me) never goes near you again"... but we werent bf/gf so....

So after a couple times hanging out we move onto talking about this new guy and she said hes nice or whatever and i was trying not to be phased, but at the same time i did say its a bit messed up to be with him and last week she basically told him to take a hike and get his books outa her house (they'd studied together a bit).. I never told her to do this, but maybe her friends also told her its kinda wrong or that they thought that guy was uglier or less cool than i was and just "wtf are u thinking". Still her IL for me also seems to be going down. Leme break down the mixed signals

Positive:
-we still sleep together
-she is responsive to dates. If i set it up, it happens
-she asks me about other girls posting on my FB and shows jelousy
- She says she loves me and asks if i love her (although she will ask first)
-She sometimes seeks reassurance like "we couldnt ever work after what happened right?"
-Although initially we taked about that situation, now our dates our fun and we just have a laugh.
-After what happened i said i cant commit to her but lets keep a positive relationship going forward and i dont hate her. A week later she brought up "whats a positive relationship" and was worried i was just using her til i found something better
AT the SAME TIME, she has said "i wish u did something bad, and you werent so good then it'd be easier to part.

Neg:
-When we are apart i dont think shes thinking of me (her texts are less than usual)
- She picks up 1 in 3 calls or not at all (eg today i called and she text back saying shes having dinner). But she will happily pick the phone up when im around
- She is colder. I initiate sex, but sometimes she will fake stomach aches or something and it wont happen
-In the past week she's laid off the sweet talk
-My gut says something is off (cos of short messages or no messages)
-I get the feeling that dude is back in the picture (i saw her FB over her shoulder one day saying 'god i miss u') not while i was there, but just one DAY after she supposedly kicked him to the curb.
-She invited me over after the 'dumping' (god it was only a couple weeks) and told me that she felt bad about dumping a guy and seeing him cry.

I can't really pinpoint it. Right now I have stuff at her place so she knows she'll see me again. Its like she has no effing clue what she wants. She shows jelousy, she wants confirmation of love/things can work, but when im out of site its like her mind is elsewhere. She tries to lay off the sex SOMETIMES.

Anyone had experience with this? I see her most days so maybe im overanalyzing it. We did spend a big part of our relationship as roommates or id always be at her place like.. 4-5 nights a week.. and in the last 2 weeks i was staying like friday-tuesday....

Anyone have any insight? Im thinking either her IL is dropping but shes too cowardly to openly, to my face, say "lets end it all" and hopes i will just go away? Does this happen? I feel like my whole perception has flipped after knowing this girl. 2nd thing im thinking is she wants to be single, she does like me somewhat, but doesnt want to just get into the habit of being with eachother ALL the time again.

Right now im cooling things down. I have to see her in the next few days cos i have to get somethin from her place. I would like her IL back up in the 90's though not like around 50-60 were it might be now.

Any outside insight would be appreciated. My friends just think her perception on what is OK is warped and shes just mental.

 

[rocket87]

Can you explain why you care so much about this entire situation/girl?

She is obviously FAR FARRRR away from any stretch of imagination regarding reasonable LTR material, so who cares about

who she's fvcking
what she thinks
where she is
where she lives
what she says
how often she sweet talks you
who she talks to
about consistency in communication
what your gut says (Seriously..?)
her jealous behavior



??????????

This is like.. Friends with benefits, Plus drama, Minus alpha characteristics, with a side of depression.

That's my 'insight'... But I don't think anyone's going to give you much useful information without some logic... You're supposed to be the logical one, remember?

Is she really hot or something? What's the deal?

her perception on what is OK is warped and shes just mental

Hate to break it to you man. But from what you've told us, you're the one being used. What you're in, considered by any means of reason = a long term relationship.

 

[dementia]

yea its crazy huh. To be honest I think it is that shes hot. I mean before meeting her I starting sarging and getting my game up to scratch and worked my way up the HB's .. 7's then i guess i hit my first 9 and went gaga.. Im talking like legs up the the armpits, great smile, the works. I often wonder if this happens to alot of guys. They get out there, get their first 9 finally after a life of underachieving and then instead of going for more 9s n 10's they just cant get past the first one.

friends with benefits.. check
drama.. check
minus alphaness.. check (my bad, workin on it)
depression .. check'ish (on both sides i think, but not so much now)

A friend of mine said, she is using what she has to get what she wants, she hates to be alone and really until she finds the man of her dreams shes going to want a door-mat to satisfy her. She dumped the guy because she knew i was better and id shown from her tests that id stick around. Still, i thought i'd be the one to really get her although sounds like the ego talking. I dunno, i fell too hard i guess. I noticed recently too that i comply alot with her.. and i tried compliance testing her.. getting her to cut my hair or just do some other **** and it was tough lol i never realized i might have been DLV'ing pretty hard. But she says sex with me is great.. it could be the only thing keeping her coming back... but thats the thing thats weird... shes going to have a guy around who has DLV'ed nailing her? its not really congruent with what any material ive read.. Usually its, DLV = they will actually tell u to take a hike or they will stop contact... maybe this facebook era makes it harder for some.. i dunno

 

[rocket87]

I think the biggest factor here is that you aren't in denial about it. It's kinda weird honestly. But that in itself is extremely powerful - you have that third person view of what's going on as it happens.

It's important to note that you are being more honest with your words than you are your actions.

I don't really know what to say in terms of advice. I don't know what you want. (I'm pretty sure you don't know what you want, either.) You don't seem necessarily unhappy...? More confused or looking for an "out." Btw, you are both using each other - I didn't mean that to be only one sided but what I said is definitely true in terms of you being "used."

You still didn't mention why you're sticking around :kick: Dig deeper... There must be other attractive women out there? Maybe you're too lazy to explore the 'scene'? Obviously you have feelings for her, that could be why? Explore your feelings, try and find WHY you are sticking around. Again, honestly, there's really nothing wrong with it if you can easily detatch yourself from the whole thing; but to me it seems like that isn't really an option - until her 'prince charming' rolls into the picture that is.. Then she'll be gone before you know it. It could be an excuse to get some easy action (on her terms though, which is lame) and not really progress your game anywhere. (and by game, I'm not strictly saying pickup; but progressing your overall knowledge/education of women, furthering yourself with respects to relationships, becoming more of a man and representing yourself first before others, etc.)

You sound bored. Maybe pick up some new hobbies or activities. Involve people OTHER than her in your life more consistently (multiple times a week).. Random things can be very exciting to try with new friends or can lead to new interactions.. Rock climbing, scuba diving, any new sport, a new workout routine, a significant life change (new education/career goal), etc.

 

[dementia]

I think what i want is to have her IL back. After this experience it would be good to start getting out there when i know i still have her as a fallback with high IL. It kinda feels **** to feel im about to lose the hottest FB i have and have nothing infront of me to move onto. Id rather have her IL up high and then look around.

Im dating girls here and there over the last month. Shes still at the top even she isnt the new thing, which i didnt expect. So what im wanting to know is how to get her IL back if it has gone as low as i think.

For a start i cut contact most of yesterday after i got a hint of her IL dropping the day before.. and i sent her a message saying can she stop by the vet and see about getting my cats stitches out that way i can get my cat outa her house and dont have to be over there so much. I made it more fun by adding "less pooh for u to clean too, which can only be good" (my cat got de-sexed and the vet was by her house so its been over there while its healing). I tried to make it light while still negging in a way.

I sent this message to kinda screw with her. Incase she thought my IL was too high from maybe crowding her a bit much, i was basically saying "i dont wana be there too much"... she replied with "OK"... which wasnt normal.. to me this was a total 'dont give a fuk' response, which is what made me question her IL... Im going to remain out of contact until she says something first, (most likely about my cat, which i cant ignore).

But when i go over im just wondering how to be. I could probably get laid if i wanted, but something tells me maybe i should make some kinda powerplay like turning down sex or something, just for the long term benefits.

What do u think?

 

[dementia]

I think what i want is to have her IL back. After this experience it would be good to start getting out there when i know i still have her as a fallback with high IL. It kinda feels **** to feel im about to lose the hottest FB i have and have nothing infront of me to move onto. Id rather have her IL up high and then look around.

Im dating girls here and there over the last month. Shes still at the top even she isnt the new thing, which i didnt expect. So what im wanting to know is how to get her IL back if it has gone as low as i think.

For a start i cut contact most of yesterday after i got a hint of her IL dropping the day before.. and i sent her a message saying can she stop by the vet and see about getting my cats stitches out that way i can get my cat outa her house and dont have to be over there so much. I made it more fun by adding "less pooh for u to clean too, which can only be good" (my cat got de-sexed and the vet was by her house so its been over there while its healing). I tried to make it light while still negging in a way.

I sent this message to kinda screw with her. Incase she thought my IL was too high from maybe crowding her a bit much, i was basically saying "i dont wana be there too much"... she replied with "OK"... which wasnt normal.. to me this was a total 'dont give a fuk' response, which is what made me question her IL... Im going to remain out of contact until she says something first, (most likely about my cat, which i cant ignore).

But when i go over im just wondering how to be. I could probably get laid if i wanted, but something tells me maybe i should make some kinda powerplay like turning down sex or something, just for the long term benefits.

What do u think?

 

[dementia]

further info. This girl is a hired-gun in her job.. very hot

- she has that guy on the backburner that she likes
- if she is holding onto me just for sex then is a no-sex powerplay likely to work?

yea, not sure how to play it

 

[dementia]

further info. This girl is a hired-gun in her job.. very hot

- she has that guy on the backburner that she likes
- if she is holding onto me just for sex then is a no-sex powerplay likely to work?

yea, not sure how to play it

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

So i was pissed at first, and let her know about it. She felt bad and went out drinking every night for like 2 weeks with her girlfriends. She was regretful. So we start hanging out again over the past month and it was good, but i guess she never really let that guy go.. which was wierd, cos even her friends were calling her a slut and saying 'dont be suprised if he(me) never goes near you again"... but we werent bf/gf so....

She didn't regret anything. She is going out drinking to meet other guys. Not because she is sad.

 

[ArcBound]

Been dating this girl around 9 months. Felt like her IL was moderate the whole time but enough to keep me around as her main guy.

I read the first two sentences and I already could see where this was going. Bro, this girl spinning plates and still hung up with her ex and going out drinking with her girlfriends two weeks straight? What do you think she does every night? Get drunk and come home all innocent every single day?

 

[IamJosan]

Get rid of her right away! A friend of mine was in a 'relationship' like this. They were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but he thought it was exclusive and it wasn't, even though she would say that she loves him and that he was the only guy. After my friend 'dumped' her, she went CRAZY! She didn't wanna lose him!
But it turned out that she was a playette type of girl. She always needed a guy around and she always had guys around. Forget this girl man, she's trouble.

 

[dementia]

yea thats true. This girl prolonged meeting me cos she didnt wana face being dumped. Then when i met her she was ALL over me crying and didnt wana let me leave. This was either my value being up cos i was in power, or she only felt sad for herself that she got caught and i hadnt done anything really to deserve it. This girl is somewhat picky though and while with her she had sort of contacted guys but since shes been that way a while i guess they didnt live up to her standards before even putting out to them. She also gets into a lot of trouble at clubs now and again for telling guys to "get effed' from just trying to start a convo with her. Shes a man hater in a way and gets her kicks this way. Its like she gets off on it. The only reason this new guy got in the pciture was her getting revenge on me saying something small. She literally went out intending to find someone to go home with. Turned out he was a young guy, nice, cried alot but still new and interesting for her. Her ego could remain intact so long as he wasnt using her and saying he loved her. Basically new doormat potential incase i was to never contact her again I thought.

I think she had her ideal guy before me but he left the country and she often mentioned going to that same country to study or something (whether that will happen i dont know).. When i met her she had 2 other dates that left the country after a few months. One of them i met a few times, he had dumped her but they remained friends. When he first met me in a club he took her aside and said "Do u really like this guy? cos i know you! u just cant be alone.." and she said yes... I think this dude had her figured out.