Loving your Children more than yourself

[CrashOverRide]

From what I have experienced in this world, there is no stronger love than a parent has for his/her child. While this is something I've observed I have a hard time internalizing it.

In other words; right now since I am single, I am most concerned with myself. I see life as my future and my well being second to none. Even though I theoretically know when I have kids, they will take precedence over my life I can't seem to understand how my thoughts and feelings will change other than objectively knowing that this is an obligation.

For those of you who have kids; when did your thoughts and views change from living your life for yourself to living your life for them?

Did it happen the instance they were born? Does some magical feeling/epiphany suddenly consume you?

Please share gentleman...

 

[Warrior74]

I grew up with two working class parents who sacrificed a lot for me. I noticed it and appreciated it. When I knew I was going to be a father I knew that I had to make sacrifices for my child. It was just a fact to me.

The moment she was born and they put her in my arms it was a wrap, it wasn't so much the thought of HAVING to sacrifice, it was more of WANTING to sacrifice. It doesn't even feel like sacrifice, it just is. She's my kid. My blood. I want her to be healthy and happy. I can't really explain it. It's just a fact like water is wet and fire is hot.

 

[vatoloco]

I don't have kids so I wasn't planning to participate in this discussion but I do wanna comment on something that caught my eye in your post.

Even though I theoretically know when I have kids, they will take precedence over my life I can't seem to understand how my thoughts and feelings will change other than objectively knowing that this is an obligation.

Color me a cold-hearted bastard but, I don't think my kids will ever truly be more important than me. Especially if I have multiple ones. Let me explain:

I think that the media and society have brainwashed us to care more about others than taking care of yourself first. You know how flight attendants tell you "Secure your own oxygen mask before before assisting others"? I think it should be the same way with your kids.

Just like I love my family deeply, they will never, ever take precedence over my life in any aspect. I come first. Besides, how are you going to provide, care for and love your kids if you don't provide, care for and love yourself first?

We now return to your regularly-scheduled thread, already in progress.

 

[KarmaSutra]

I have a sixteen year old daughter.

She's absolutely the most amazing young woman on this forsaken planet.

If you really want to know what goes on in the minds of women; teach one as she grows, and have her internalize your teachings regarding relationships and personal growth.

Watch as she affirms your teachings.

 

[Zarky]

Men with daughters are the most conservative people on the planet.

 

[Warrior74]

Men with daughters are the most conservative people on the planet.

LOL Wut? YOu gotta try harder man. You're sliding into pure troll territory lately. Another epic fail by Zarky.

 

[KarmaSutra]

LOL Wut? YOu gotta try harder man. You're sliding into pure troll territory lately. Another epic fail by Zarky.

Agreed.

Men with daughters are the most conservative people on the planet.

You're a fvcking idiot.

 

[backbreaker]

yeah when i saw my son for the first time and realized he was MY son, i was done for lol. love that little knculehead to death

 

[azanon]

.........In other words; right now since I am single, I am most concerned with myself. I see life as my future and my well being second to none. Even though I theoretically know when I have kids, they will take precedence over my life I can't seem to understand how my thoughts and feelings will change other than objectively knowing that this is an obligation.

For those of you who have kids; when did your thoughts and views change from living your life for yourself to living your life for them?

Did it happen the instance they were born? Does some magical feeling/epiphany suddenly consume you?

Please share gentleman...

Logical Fallacy: False Dilemma http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies/false-dilemma.html

What's with this mentality that it's either your needs that will be met or their needs? Try both. As a dad, I have continued to meet all of my personal needs, as well as my child's needs. Sure, being married helps and my wife does a lot of the work. But I would try to lose this either/or mentality ASAP because you're unnecessarily depressing people. Saying someone has to be "first" is totally missing the point. I can meet my needs, my wife needs, and my child's needs with the time I'm given.

 

[CrashOverRide]

Some good responses... It was interesting to see how Warrior and Backbreaker explained the feeling they had when they first held their child. Vatoloco gave a candid response as well. But like myself, he doesn't have a child to experience what Warrior and Backbreaker have. So perhaps there is this epiphany that occurs... an emotional epiphany that only a father could understand.

Logical Fallacy: False Dilemma http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies/false-dilemma.html

What's with this mentality that it's either your needs that will be met or their needs? Try both. As a dad, I have continued to meet all of my personal needs, as well as my child's needs. Sure, being married helps and my wife does a lot of the work. But I would try to lose this either/or mentality ASAP because you're unnecessarily depressing people. Saying someone has to be "first" is totally missing the point. I can meet my needs, my wife needs, and my child's needs with the time I'm given.

I certainly see the point you are making azanon. I am not implying that you stop caring about yourself or pursuing what makes you happy. My post was aimed more at understanding loving another human being more than you love yourself.

If you were in a hypothetical situation where you had the power to prevent your child dying by sacrificing your own life, would you do it? I feel that most parents would answer yes to this.. but because I am not a father, I can't internalize this feeling.

 

[azanon]

.......... My post was aimed more at understanding loving another human being more than you love yourself.

If you were in a hypothetical situation where you had the power to prevent your child dying by sacrificing your own life, would you do it? I feel that most parents would answer yes to this.. but because I am not a father, I can't internalize this feeling.

Well now, I went back and read your original post. I think you're switching what you're asking now with this new hypothetical question. I think my point IS the answer, which is to reconsider your question to begin with. To summarize, "should you put your life first or theirs", the answer is yes.

But to the new question, I don't much see the point in asking that. You're looking at a 1 in millions, chance of ever even having to make that choice anyway.

 

[backbreaker]

I still pretty much take care of myself. The only thing I will say, the web development business, I would not have started if not for my son. I always knew I had that to do, and I didnt' need the money but I wanted the security. AT' the time I did not feel comfortable bringing a son in the world, and depending on the track for a check. Now I dont' have that problem anymore, but still it 's something i would not have done if it were just for me.

I probably dont' drink as much as I would if I did nto have a son, i dont' want to just get plastered with my son in the house lol. I drink but i cut it off. I guess that's actually a good thing lol

But I still go out, still have fun, still do things for myself. Having a son is pretty cool actually. he's well past the stage I didn't like the crying all night stage. Outside of that it's not that big of a deal. He will sit here and do whatever I do. We sat down and watched march madness all night last night, will do the same tonight. He's at the "why daddy" stage, where he wants to know. last night he kept yelling "shoot it!" I was trying to explain to him, at almost 3, you can't just shoot the ball from 90 feet away lol.

Not like he's a burden on my life or anything. Oh i assure you i never was a big kid guy before, wasn't in a hurry at ALL. In fact I was kinda scared when the GF was pregnant, didn't know what kinda dad I would be, I don't love kids. But I love my son if that makes sense.

 

[countermart]

It's just a natural biological thing. I know I would die for my children if it was necessary to save them without a moments thought.

To understand this a bit better it is necessary to understand that you see a lot of yourself in your children. Your struggles, fears, your trying. I guess in a way you understand them and they look to you for protection. To be always there to run back to if things go wrong.

When my children were younger and sometimes even now, people come up to me in the street or shops (mostly women) and say things like, "you are just so lucky, or you have such beautiful children." Yet children are very hard work. Sometime you wonder what on earth these people are saying. I guess in a way to live for someone else other than yourself is true love and it is very, very uncommon. But you can find it in the love for your children.

I think your role as a man is to take on the world and provide for your children. It is not to be with your children all the time, but when you are, it is to teach, guide and keep them safe.


Countermart

 

[NewMan]

I am having my first in short order. It's already changed me. When I was sitting in the Dr. office waiting to hear her heart beat, all I could think of was "Please be be ok, please be ok, please be ok" - it was a relief when I heared that heart beating, fast and true.

I have turned up my work intensity. I feel the need to make sure this little girl grows up with her needs taken care of (have to make sure she values the work and sweat that goes into earning the $)

I can't wait to hold her in my arms.

 

[sodbuster]

Happens at BIRTH. You guys ever experience "captain save a ho"? Multiply that by a hundred or a thousand. You are willing to suit up for battle,kill dragons or thousands of invaders for that young life. You get more serious about work,finances etc.[your way of killing the dragons]

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

I think the best way we can love our kids is by teaching them the ways of the world-

No free lunch.

 

[Lexington]

I don't have kids so I wasn't planning to participate in this discussion but I do wanna comment on something that caught my eye in your post.



Color me a cold-hearted bastard but, I don't think my kids will ever truly be more important than me. Especially if I have multiple ones. Let me explain:

I think that the media and society have brainwashed us to care more about others than taking care of yourself first. You know how flight attendants tell you "Secure your own oxygen mask before before assisting others"? I think it should be the same way with your kids.

Just like I love my family deeply, they will never, ever take precedence over my life in any aspect. I come first. Besides, how are you going to provide, care for and love your kids if you don't provide, care for and love yourself first?

We now return to your regularly-scheduled thread, already in progress.

Actually, there's a lot of wisdom in the oxygen mask analogy. You've got to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others.

There's nothing noble about letting yourself go and giving up everything for your kids. If anything, it makes you a worse parent and sets a terrible example for them.

Too many people actually have kids thinking that they'll magically make their lives better. They act like they're martyrs because they "gave up everything for the kids." Sorry, but those kids didn't ask to be born!

I think if you're ever going to have a fulfilling family life, you've got to get your $hit together first. After you've laid a solid foundation for your life, you're much more likely to have a good family life.

A lot of guys actually resent their families even though they love them. They use their families as an excuse for them not achieving the things they wanted to achieve.

 

[Danton1975]

Well...whoever said "I love that knucklehead to death"...describes exactly my feelings towards my 5 year old son.

As a matter of fact, yesterday, I called him that for the first time as I was teaching him the word "knuckle" We were slow boxing which is his favorite thing.

BUT...for me it didn't happen at birth. Not even close. Strangely I felt very little at his birth and maybe throughout the first year. He was simply a bundle of flesh that needed to sleep, be fed etc...As his personality started to reveal and the memories started stacking up, I kept feeling closer and closer and closer to him. When Vatoloco says "he comes first" that's theoretical, not experienced...in my opinion.

 

[vatoloco]

When Vatoloco says "he comes first" that's theoretical, not experienced...in my opinion.

This might be true. I don't currently have kids [that I know of!] but if/when I have them, this might change.

But still, my analytical mind (my background is engineering) will more than likely always be present to keep me from making emotion-based decisions and actions.

 

[CrashOverRide]

Well...whoever said "I love that knucklehead to death"...describes exactly my feelings towards my 5 year old son.

As a matter of fact, yesterday, I called him that for the first time as I was teaching him the word "knuckle" We were slow boxing which is his favorite thing.

BUT...for me it didn't happen at birth. Not even close. Strangely I felt very little at his birth and maybe throughout the first year. He was simply a bundle of flesh that needed to sleep, be fed etc...As his personality started to reveal and the memories started stacking up, I kept feeling closer and closer and closer to him. When Vatoloco says "he comes first" that's theoretical, not experienced...in my opinion.

Interesting... thank you for sharing Danton!