Loveless marriage

[Imawakenow]

I'm 33, been married for 5 years and had a child last year.
I'm absolutely miserable.

To be with this woman, I feel as if I had to sacrifice everything. I gave up on my career so I could spend time with her when we were dating. She never took an honest interest in what my dreams and aspirations were. She was constantly trying to break up with me and because I was more afraid of rejection and being alone, I always cried and begged to keep us together. I thought marrying her would be the surefire way to get her to stop acting this way.

Our sex life is practically non existent. It's absolutely never been what I think normal couples should be having. It's steadily gone down from once or twice a month to maybe 3 times in the last year. She just never takes an interest in it and I tried being polite and not coming off as a perv or horndog but it hurts and she gets angry when I mention it.

Recently and completely unplanned, I sort of connected with another girl who is having an equally ****ty relationship. For a month we had attraction, passion and happiness. Like I've *never* felt before. But she ended things because she didn't want to be the one who brings an end to my marriage. She didn't want that guilt, and she didn't want to be judged by her peers. She also thought low of herself and conceded that she deserves to be alone.

Now my marriage is finally crumbling and I don't feel sad. My wife says shes no longer attracted to me and we dont have sex because I can't please her. She says she feels I dont love her enough. I feel numb. I've begged and cried too many times to keep this alive and I just can't do it anymore especially seeing all that it got/cost me. The only thing that bothers me is that she waited until after we bought a house to bring this up.

I still talk to this other girl but it's been short and not the same. But I've developed real feelings for her. I asked her if, even though common sense dictated we not be together, if she still had feelings for me. She told me she couldn't answer that.

Does anyone think that she'd be willing to give it another go when I'm finally separated? The problem is I'm weak and would stay in my loveless marriage if I don't think I have a chance to be happy with the other girl.

I've never been happy, AND with someone at the same time but with her, I was. There was no need to sacrifice parts of who I am, and there was PASSION! She didn't once judge me. She didn't once criticize me. We click.

Thanks to anyone who can offer some insight or perspective.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Hey man, I feel for you. The one thing is true though, if you want to become a more attractive and successful male, this website is a great resource. I think I would worry about that right now, selfish feelings for yourself, and your goals, and not worry about the wife.

Time with your new female friend who reciprocates good emotions will be good for you, I'd be spending a lot of time with her. Some of the other guys will chime in. Pretty much where you are at, it is similar to a rock bottom position that many sosuavers have been in. The goal is to lift yourself up, and make yourself a more successful and attractive male in every way.

Do not try to chase the wife, that's not going to work. She may become attracted to you, when she sees you getting your own confidence out side of her, but it sounds like she's always been an unsupportive b1tch when it comes to you. So I don't think she will be supporting your cause no matter what you do.

 

[Desdinova]

Does anyone think that she'd be willing to give it another go when I'm finally separated?

There are thousands of women out there. Neither your wife nor the potential mistress are interested in being with you. Your best bet is to throw these two away.

What you should be preparing for is the coming disaster of your divorce. Your wife is going to want to keep the house and the child. What are you planning on doing to fight this? What are you planning on doing to come out of this with your finances, possessions and your child intact? You need to speak to a lawyer to find out what you should and shouldn't do - at least in a legal sense.

Things may suck ass right now, but the worst is yet to come. On the bright side, you will be free once your wife is out of your life. You'll be able to start fresh.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

To be with this woman, I feel as if I had to sacrifice everything. I gave up on my career so I could spend time with her when we were dating. She never took an honest interest in what my dreams and aspirations were. She was constantly trying to break up with me and because I was more afraid of rejection and being alone, I always cried and begged to keep us together. I thought marrying her would be the surefire way to get her to stop acting this way.

This was really all I needed to read. Oh I read your whole post, but the above is enough. Why don't you go back and re-read it. You already set the stage for how the relationship was going to evolve based on your worse than beta behavior. Are you really surprised that marriage failed?

It's obvious to me that you were/are lazy. You tolerated this crap because you wanted easy access to pu$$y. She probably gave it to you on an allowance basis of some sort I'm betting. Now answer me this: do you believe any person, let alone a woman you're in a relationship with, is going to respect you when you break down and have a 2 year old temper tantrum that results in you crying and begging them for something? You don't even have any respect for yourself. It is guys like yourself in this world today who help enable female behavior of this type, which treats men like doormats to be used for whatever purpose and then tossed in the trash when they're done with you. Other guys, such as myself and many regulars here on SS, have to pick up the sh!t you leave behind with these women and sally forth through this sea of crap women who feel "empowered" by their contemporary attitudes of having their cake and eating it too. Is it any wonder feminism continues to pervade the minds of so many women in first world western nations today?

I already don't respect you just based on what you posted. This woman made you do X with your life, and you knew deep down you didn't want to do X, but you did anyway. And now you have a kid out of all of this and that child WILL have to deal with this sh!t in the future. And so the cycle of feminist empowerment continues for another generation, all because you didn't have the balls to just say no.

If you really want to change, I don't expect you will after reading this. In fact I expect you'll be pi$$ed off at me for being so insulting, but my god your post is pathetic. Real change is likely going to take years for you, and at 33, it will not come easy.

 

[dustmuffin]

Go over to the married red pill reddit. You might get some good info there.

You have to change your mindset. You are a big pu$$y. If you don't change every interaction you have with women will end badly. Read the dj bible. Read the side bar at married red pill. Become a masculine male.

 

[grayclif]

Bro you sound misserable. But the guys here are right, yoi caused it. You should find a good lawyer and get some good advice on how one would proceed and protect themselves through a divorce. If you are "cheating" she could be too and it's just a matter of time before she files.

Protect yourself bro

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Mentally it's better if you file. Also if you are both cheating and your still supporting her or doing anything that assist her quality of life, it's not good for you. Cheating in that aspect would be a pu$$y thing to do. Wife didn't like you very much before you married, liked you less after married, now is starving you. It's been a burden on your life. Now it's time to relieve that burden. You will find a better lady somewhere.

 

[BeExcellent]

Some pragmatic advice from a woman:

1. Wife doesn't care about you but you must. You do have value, but it is your responsibility to embrace and reinforce your value

2. File for divorce & get the best, most aggressive attorney you can. You now are in strategy mode

3. The baby is very young. Wife will likely get primary custody due to very young age (in US anyway) but negotiate for residency restrictions on wife so she can't pick up & move far away with the baby. Negotiate for joint custody once baby reaches a certain age. See #2

4. Drop mistress. Explain to her that you must be "no contact" until divorce is final. If wife discovers mistress that info will be used against you.

5. Read & learn here as well as red pill Reddit. The men here have been in your shoes and will encourage you to get back in the saddle, but you are going to get tough love & raw honesty. Embrace your responsibility for where you are. You have a child and should focus on yourself first & fatherhood second. That is the only way.

Put yourself first. Starting today, right now.

6. Start a journal here & check in periodically. Your road is formidable but not impossible, not in the least. You can do it, you must, you owe it to yourself. Start today and never look back

 

[LiveFreeX]

I'm 33, been married for 5 years and had a child last year.
I'm absolutely miserable.

boo hoo.

 

[Asmodeus]

Hate to beak it to you... But there is another man in the picture that you likely do not know about. She stopped having sex with you, she likely was finding it from someone else. Women are very good at hiding these things, you likely do not know...

I know this because I was with a married woman, her husband did not know a thing... I knew the guy was not getting any either...

But yeah, you should start preparing for the divorce. You are likely the one who will lose out on most of it including your home, that is how divorce courts are sadly... Do not stay in that pathologic loveless marriage, your freedom is worth the losses that you will burden you.
Do not jump straight into another relationship, certainly not with your mistress. Take some time to rediscover yourself, to get your life back in order, or to chase those dreams that you did not have the chance to chase.

 

[sodbuster]

Get the pictures you want out of the house,or make copies, any other small items that will "vanish" during the process. Any stuff of yours that you want to keep. Get a credit card with a different address, just in case you need it{parent's house?} Start stashing some cash at the office ( I had about 20k, since I knew I wouldn't put up with her **** too much longer). Look for a place to live. get ready to cancel all the joint credit cards.

What you DON"T want to happen.... she calls the cops claiming abuse. They haul you in for the night. Come back the next day and give you 5 minutes to pack your stuff and get out. Then you find out she's cleaned out the bank, cancelled the cards, etc. NOW you have no money to hire a lawyer, no place to live, no money to get one, no clothes, etc..... you won't be able to concentrate on the Divorce and will lose....

 

[Prime_Beef]

1. Divorce is a business. A cold, calculating business best engaged in with end goals in mind. A good attorney will save you money in the end. I suggest you interview several, including those she may use if in a small town. Limits her options. 2. As has been said, sounds like there was another rooster visiting the hen house for some time.. which leads to 3. Get a DNA test on the kid, may save you lots of grief. 4. Don't get emotional. .especially angry. It will show and screw up your case. 5. Dump the mistress, there's no future there. You may feel excited, satisfied, wanted, etc, it is nothing more than dopamine and brain chemicals. She's trash too, and I'd have to assume any dreams you have of a good woman include someone with good judgment to be a future mother, protector of your kids. The woman doesn't have it. She's got more going on the side too. Once you've grown up, you won't find her interesting anyway. 6. Recognize you are a weak man and lack moral fiber and inner strength which is why others can't take you serious. Start from the ground up and accept it. If you fight that acceptance you delay YOUR recovery. Good luck, call attorney and don't talk to her or anyone about it like a blabby little kid until you file. It's best to be first. -Prime_Beef

 

[MrWood]

i did kick my cheating wife out, kept the marital home and primary custody of my boy then 6.
I was disabled and on Social Security
she got nothing
Washington State

 

[mrgoodstuff]

i did kick my cheating wife out, kept the marital home and primary custody of my boy then 6.
I was disabled and on Social Security
she got nothing
Washington State

Strong man.

 

[MatureDJ]

You are such a pu33y, you should be having sex with yourself. You need to take the attitude that you will not stay in a relationship in which your sexual needs are being met. Tell wifey that marriage without sex is not a marriage, so bye-bye.

Folks say that it is "evil" to objectify sex; I say that it is the prime cipher into the value of the relationship.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

You are such a pu33y, you should be having sex with yourself. You need to take the attitude that you will not stay in a relationship in which your sexual needs are being met. Tell wifey that marriage without sex is not a marriage, so bye-bye.

Folks say that it is "evil" to objectify sex; I say that it is the prime cipher into the value of the relationship.

What if she gives him BJ's while having him on ***** strike?

 

[Cejay]

Hi Imawakenow,

Man I been there. I too was in an unhappy, sexless marriage, for years. The sexlessness hurt both of us, bad - though our situation was different from yours. I was miserable.

I'm now divorced as of ~4 yrs ago. I can tell you that as much as divorce sucks, as of < ~3 months after we separated I was happier than I'd ever been in my marriage and over the nears I've never ever dipped to my marriage-level-misery. I never, ever should have endured years of misery and wish I'd manned up and ended it, it was inevitable anyways. I'm certain it's taken years off my life.

In my case there weren't any children involved and we were able to settle things without a lengthy legal battle and I did not lose everything, but thats damned rare.

I'm not a lawyer or a professional so be careful taking my amateur thoughts, you're doing so at your own risk. /Disclaimer.

I say forget about getting a mistress and cheating. I think that getting sex somewhere else (if you actually succeed) is only going to complicate your life further almost immediately, and if you do get a divorce may complicate that, too.

It sounds like you probably a co-dependency issue (look up CoDA) and you should solve that before you end up in another relationship with any more women but thats later you have more pressing issues to deal with right now.

You and only you are responsible for your life's direction and happiness. You are responsible for the situation you are in, and you are responsible to solve it and you can do it.

I suggest that you seek a consultation with at least one lawyer who specializes in divorce in your state. These are often free or cheap. There is a lot of mis-information on the interwebz, its kind of like using a health website - everything points to cancer or go to a Dr.
This is your and your child's financial future at stake. You may want to get more than one opinion. I would not go "cheap" on this, and I would not tell anyone under any circumstances. One of your blue pill buddies may very likely enjoy telling his wife who then tells your wife and then you're really fuct and unprepared.

From my experience, when we split it, I saw a lot of delight that one particular husband (who I thought was a friend) took in spreading the news of the collapse of our marriage.

I would also seek the advice of a counselor on how to deal with this with my wife, how to decide if I should try to save the marriage, how to have a conversation with her about either saving it (and more counseling) or how to go about ending it if she refused to partake but either way man - you deserve to be content and you will need to do a lot of work to get there. If it were me, I'd probably see only men for advice.

I didn't end it after my ex refused counseling. I was miserable, I turned to alcohol and partied hard to solve my problems and only succeeded in prolonging both our misery and creating new problems which took more time and effort to solve. My ex also had an affair during this time as miserable, married women often do.

I wish you the best of luck,

CJ.

 

[ZTIME]

OP, mistakes and misery in life are cyclical until you change your contribution to the cycle.

Are you serious that you would stay in a miserable marrige if this other girl isn't available?

Can you not be happy within yourself to not require a woman to make you happy??

Are you willing to go to 34-35 years of age still in the same situation that you've posted??

Start fixing you're issues today!!

1. Fvck the house!! They'll build more.

2. Nothing will change that the child is yours, full time or part time!

3. You're marrige is over. She's found someone else!

4. Every minute, hour, day, week, or month is only adding to your sentence in hell! Why torture yourself like this??

Man up and face the truth! Your life will never be happy until you focus on and fix yourself.

Now (in you best angry reading voice)...... "I refuse to disrespect myself any longer! Today it stops!!"

 

[BondAFC]

Divorce is the Death of Hope...

Hoping things in the future will eventually get better...
Hoping your wife will suddenly wake up and realise what a great guy you are...
Hoping that a meteor will magically drop on her head...
Hope is all about a better tomorrow...

Divorce is where you finally accept your relationship as it is RIGHT NOW.
Totally and utterly broken...
Your needs, both emotional and physical (which are important), aren't being met.

Your choices are:
a.) Consciously stay in a broken marriage and martyr your happiness..forever.
b.) End the charade and take responsibility for your life.

Trust me, it is better to be alone by yourself, than lonely in a marriage (or any relationship)

The child excuse comes up almost instantly... "I will stay married for the sake of the child"
CRAP..
a.) Children are more resilient than we give them credit for.
b.) It's better for your child to see you happy alone OR happy in a relationship with someone who actually loves you than to live in a dysfunctional "family" where mommy actively neglects/ignores/resents/berates daddy.
God forbid that this becomes their model of a successful relationship.

Phase One: Protect Yourself
Desdinova, BeExcellent and PrimeBeef (above) gave you a perfect gameplan.
Reread their truth.
You may have feelings of guilt...
You may want an "amicable" divorce or settlement..
She may tell you she wants and "amicable" divorce...The process will drive the "amicable" out of it.
Find a mean/fierce lawyer...Shop around... It will be uncomfortable..
Ask friends.. Ask your wealthy DIVORCED friends for which lawyer they fear/hate the most..
Then hire that one...

Once either of you moves out of the house, change your banking.
Shut down any joint accounts..Period.
Don't give her a cent without a WRITTEN agreement. This is key!!

Phase Two: Work on Yourself
SoSuave is a great resource for this. Self-improvement is key... Self-awareness is key..
There is a reason that this dysfunctional relationship works/resonated for you. There is something about this dysfunction that appeals to you.. Until you identify what this is, you are doomed to repeat this cycle...
Recognise that the temptation (and risk) is to rush out and get someone...anyone..
Without taking time to work on yourself, you risk rushing into the same type of relationship..or WORSE.
There is a reason the mortality rate for second marriages is so much higher than first marriages.,

Good Luck...
Respect