Lost my first love

[Aesthetic Indian]

#1
Really need some feedback or support from any of the experienced Bros, I just got out of a 14th month relationship with my first love ( 20f) and I'm 21. I just didn't date before her because I really wanted someone special, I'm old school that way. Since it was my first relationship and her first real and longest one, we were super attached, then I noticed her being different and asked her what's wrong, she denied it but I pushed, then she said she feels things just aren't the same and we're very different people who want different things and she's just not happy anymore, I didn't fight one bit or try to convince her because I want someone who's as into me at the end of the day, met her and spoke to her for 3 hours, we both cried, she cried much more and said things like it's a huge risk she's taking and might regret it but she has to make this decision, I'm just so devastated, I really envisioned a future with her, she's my first everything and I have a semester of college left and she's in my class, we literally spent every moment together, hardly with anyone else, I just don't know how to carry on Bros, I keep talking all the blame, all the times I ****ed up because of immaturity and made her cry, I miss how she was so in love with me and that has changed, any feedback is very much appreciated

 

[Spaz]

You carry on by dismissing her from your mind.

And stop crying in front of her.

If you absolutely need to cry then do it alone when no one is watching you, stand on your dignity and take the punishment like a man should.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I'll give you advice but you will likely not want to hear it or accept it since you are so new in your dating and relationship journey.

From everything you say, it sounds like you need to start at ground zero and read the DJ Bible here, and start reading books and watching youtube videos because you don't seem to have a basic-level grasp of the core principles of dating and relationships.

• " I just didn't date before her because I really wanted someone special, I'm old school that way "
  • How do you know if someone is special without dating multiple people to find that special someone?
• "she's my first everything"
  • What are the odds that your first everything will also be your last? This was a learning experience for you. Take it as such. This was the first step on your much longer journey, not your fist and last step.
• "I really envisioned a future with her"
  • Fixating on outcome instead of living in the moment and enjoying each other's company will cause all sorts of problems including jealousy, neediness, etc
• "we literally spent every moment together, hardly with anyone else "
  • This is REALLY bad. You have to be your own person first - be happy, fulfilled, have a great social life, have a purpose and drive and ambition. None of those things I just mentioned should revolve around your woman. Your woman is the icing on the cake and you should be perfectly content and happy without her. Once you start making any of those things dependent on your woman, you are adding incredible pressure on her and it will drive her away. Not only that, but you are setting yourself up for an agonizingly crushing heart-break that will take months to years to get over, which is where you are now. You tied a major part of your identity to her - NEVER do that.

The only way forward now is to accept that it is over with her and the relationship will not be repaired. She may say things like "I might regret it" but these are just words. She may play with you and make you think she still wants you but she doesn't and is only doing it to satisfy her own ego that she is in fact abandoning you and not the other way around. You must go no-contact now, remove her from social media and don't stalk her there, and begin focusing on yourself. You should have such a great and busy life that you have no time to be lonely and miss her. You cannot rely on a woman to be your validation and source of companionship and entertainment. Start dating. Read the DJ bible and other books. Learn the basics. Focus on building your social circle.

You have a really tough year or so ahead of you because of how much you tied your identity to her. I know because I've been there. Most of us have at one point. My best advice on moving forward is to repeat to yourself once per day, "I will not waste any of my time thinking about people who do not want me", read the DJ bible and watch youtube videos (these really help because it feels like having someone there with you and the good ones are inspirational and motivational), work on things that will make you feel accomplished such as projects and growing your social circle, and start dating again. Ensure you get a lot of exercise - minimum 30 minutes per day. Avoid too much alcohol. That's the best prescription to get away from where you are, and get to where you want and need to be.

 

[lamath]

You dont talk to her or txt her, delete everything thats social media

Dress better, work out and act like it did not bother you. after awhile you will be alright

 

[Aesthetic Indian]

I apprec

I'll give you advice but you will likely not want to hear it or accept it since you are so new in your dating and relationship journey.

From everything you say, it sounds like you need to start at ground zero and read the DJ Bible here, and start reading books and watching youtube videos because you don't seem to have a basic-level grasp of the core principles of dating and relationships.

• " I just didn't date before her because I really wanted someone special, I'm old school that way "
  • How do you know if someone is special without dating multiple people to find that special someone?
• "she's my first everything"
  • What are the odds that your first everything will also be your last? This was a learning experience for you. Take it as such. This was the first step on your much longer journey, not your fist and last step.
• "I really envisioned a future with her"
  • Fixating on outcome instead of living in the moment and enjoying each other's company will cause all sorts of problems including jealousy, neediness, etc
• "we literally spent every moment together, hardly with anyone else "
  • This is REALLY bad. You have to be your own person first - be happy, fulfilled, have a great social life, have a purpose and drive and ambition. None of those things I just mentioned should revolve around your woman. Your woman is the icing on the cake and you should be perfectly content and happy without her. Once you start making any of those things dependent on your woman, you are adding incredible pressure on her and it will drive her away. Not only that, but you are setting yourself up for an agonizingly crushing heart-break that will take months to years to get over, which is where you are now. You tied a major part of your identity to her - NEVER do that.

The only way forward now is to accept that it is over with her and the relationship will not be repaired. She may say things like "I might regret it" but these are just words. She may play with you and make you think she still wants you but she doesn't and is only doing it to satisfy her own ego that she is in fact abandoning you and not the other way around. You must go no-contact now, remove her from social media and don't stalk her there, and begin focusing on yourself. You should have such a great and busy life that you have no time to be lonely and miss her. You cannot rely on a woman to be your validation and source of companionship and entertainment. Start dating. Read the DJ bible and other books. Learn the basics. Focus on building your social circle.

You have a really tough year or so ahead of you because of how much you tied your identity to her. I know because I've been there. Most of us have at one point. My best advice on moving forward is to repeat to yourself once per day, "I will not waste any of my time thinking about people who do not want me", read the DJ bible and watch youtube videos (these really help because it feels like having someone there with you and the good ones are inspirational and motivational), work on things that will make you feel accomplished such as projects and growing your social circle, and start dating again. Ensure you get a lot of exercise - minimum 30 minutes per day. Avoid too much alcohol. That's the best prescription to get away from where you are, and get to where you want and need to be.

I appreciate the effort you put into the reply, thanks a ton, also, it wasn't a perfect relationship obviously, our sex drives were very different, she's good with once a week, I could go everyday my man haha, but honestly we really loved each other to death and I can't seem to let that go, she's also really affected I can see, she's got a 101 fever because of all the stress and she said she's " dying "

 

[lamath]

I apprec

I appreciate the effort you put into the reply, thanks a ton, also, it wasn't a perfect relationship obviously, our sex drives were very different, she's good with once a week, I could go everyday my man haha, but honestly we really loved each other to death and I can't seem to let that go, she's also really affected I can see, she's got a 101 fever because of all the stress and she said she's " dying "

Once a week at 20yo there is somerhing wrong there. Sounds like Low interest level.

Never ever tell yourself she broke up with you because she was going thru some hardship.
Thats not the reason.

Relationship killer is stoping doing what you usaly do because you got a gf.
Never stop seeing your friend or doing the stuff you usualy do.
Treat it like she is just something you add to your lifestyle ( similar to a hobby)
Never be needy

She has 2nd doubt not because she love you or anything like this.
Doubt because its a big change to her life.

Be civil to her but no more, dont anwser her txt,phone call etc

It will just make her more secure about her decision and she will know that you can be her back up plan.

Again dont anwser anything....


Ik this is hard, but trust me ive been thru similar situation when i was younger and i now wish i handle it the way im telling you


Gl

 

[Chi Town]

Cry, get it out your system, stay positive, be strong and fight through the tough year you have ahead of you.

You need to study and learn the dynamics of relationships, attraction ECT.

 

[Bible_Belt]

My first love was my hand. We are still together, but things were a lot more serious back in junior high and early high school.

From the perspective of someone about 20 years older than you, I can tell you that in 20 years you will care a whole lot less, and likely not at all.