Lost frame with one of my plates

[DonVariously]

This plate was a same night lay, after that we've slept a couple of times together and I'd say she broke some rules to be with me although she is quite promiscuous in general. Last night I went to her place 9pm and my motive was to have sex next to having a good time. Well we had a good time and when it was time to sleep (2am) she was too tired to have sex. I was unhappy but ok with it, but was woken up early in the morning by her cat which wouldn't go away. I was so annoyed with the cat, and also with myself for not initiating that I left around 7am. I felt like I was not congruent with my motives, and should have initiated sex right from the get go and not wait for bed time. Just now she texted me asking if something was wrong, I responded I was annoyed with myself for not initiating sex. She said sorry and that was it.

I feel like previously the frame was mine so to say, but now I've lost it. Does anyone else have stories like these where they could pinpoint quite accurately when they lost frame? I'm just starting out spinning plates so I could use some more examples.

I could try to regain frame with her but probably not worth it and I'm better off spinning different plates, I'll definitely not put much effort in it anymore and consider it a valuable learning moment.

 

[CollegeMan22]

I think you diagnosed your mistake and the improvement you can make in the future well. You clearly waited too long to initiate sex. That’s what you want as a man, and she probably wants it too, so you just gotta go for it. I’m not sure how one can have “fun” at a girl’s house for FIVE HOURS without sex (???), but next time just initiate it after 5-20 min of getting in there. All girls know what “come over” means. But as a man you gotta close the gap.

Next time when you get angry at her, blame it on her. Not in the childish way, but state exactly what she did that you are unhappy with, in a short and concise manner. Next time if this were to happen, I would call her and say “Sex is very important to me in a relationship. If we are to see each other, I expect it.” This message would set the impetus on her to improve, as opposed to you admitting fault (bad, do not admit to women your faults).

After admitting your fault and getting upset by it, she is now looking down at you and your mistake. That creates the worst emotion of all for attraction: PITY. Women do not bang men they pity. Women bang men they look up to.

I’d say the best move is to call her in a few days. Be teasing and get a playful mood going on. Then suggest meeting up again. If she still likes you after you lost frame, you’ll see her again. If not, no big deal — just move on to the next girl.

 

[Stanley]

Who cares?

You can't hold frame forever all the time and even then this doesn't seem like a big deal man. I wouldn't self deprecate with the comment you made about being upset with yourself though. Just take a step back and hit her up later on. That and you can enjoy being in the company of someone without the necessity of sex. You said you still had a good time so quit kicking yourself over this, you can't force the woman to want to sleep with you, just let it go.

Next time when you get angry at her, blame it on her. Not in the childish way, but state exactly what she did that you are unhappy with, in a short and concise manner. Next time if this were to happen, I would call her and say “Sex is very important to me in a relationship. If we are to see each other, I expect it.” This message would set the impetus on her to improve, as opposed to you admitting fault (bad, do not admit to women your faults).

Don't blame others for one's own shortcomings and make 'demands' of women, that is weak 'frame'. This isn't a relationship so he shouldn't care. Also, admitting fault when it is genuinely your fault is the quality of being a man. Those of you who live in this false bravado think most women don't see through this, they do. Don't be a wuss, but don't be an insecure man child who can't admit when he's done wrong.

 

[member160292]

It’s nothing about frame. She knew inviting you over at 9pm almost guaranteed sex. You didn’t realize the situation. Nothing to do with frame, more like common sense being socially aware.

I feel the more you read into things like ‘frame’ the more you are disconnected with normal human interactions

 

[Bingo-Player]

OP it sounds like you are living rent free inside your own head

How do you go over a girls place YOU HAVE ALREADY SLEPT WITH and instead of getting laid you seemed to have spent the night thinking about why you aren't getting laid !?!

This girl is probably wondering wtf is going on because i would be

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Why was it such a big deal that you didn't have sex one night? Are you incapable of enjoying spending time with someone unless you have sex?

I don't really get it...people with abundance don't put that much stock into sex that it throws them into a tizzy because they missed out on it one night...big deal...go have it next time then.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Initiate sex as soon as you greet her. If you get the "you only want me for sex" line or something similar, its a test, just agree & amplify.

 

[DonVariously]

I've gone to this girl's house once to have fun as well. Man I didn't feel comfortable, she was doing a bunch of $hit, she had all the frame. I didn't like that, don't you have an aprt/house that could you have invited her?

Previous times it was at my place, felt a lot more comfortable obviously

Why was it such a big deal that you didn't have sex one night? Are you incapable of enjoying spending time with someone unless you have sex?

I don't really get it...people with abundance don't put that much stock into sex that it throws them into a tizzy because they missed out on it one night...big deal...go have it next time then.

It wasn't really about the sex, it was more about me not taking initiative that bothered me

OP it sounds like you are living rent free inside your own head

How do you go over a girls place YOU HAVE ALREADY SLEPT WITH and instead of getting laid you seemed to have spent the night thinking about why you aren't getting laid !?!

This girl is probably wondering wtf is going on because i would be

Haha yes fair enough

Who cares?

You can't hold frame forever all the time and even then this doesn't seem like a big deal man. I wouldn't self deprecate with the comment you made about being upset with yourself though. Just take a step back and hit her up later on. That and you can enjoy being in the company of someone without the necessity of sex. You said you still had a good time so quit kicking yourself over this, you can't force the woman to want to sleep with you, just let it go.



Don't blame others for one's own shortcomings and make 'demands' of women, that is weak 'frame'. This isn't a relationship so he shouldn't care. Also, admitting fault when it is genuinely your fault is the quality of being a man. Those of you who live in this false bravado think most women don't see through this, they do. Don't be a wuss, but don't be an insecure man child who can't admit when he's done wrong.

Yes the self deprecation is a recurring theme, I think it has to do with the standards I hold myself to, will work on being easier on myself. Agreed with your last point about admitting fault.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It wasn't really about the sex, it was more about me not taking initiative that bothered me

Man, cut yourself a little slack...you aren't going to be on your A game every night, much like a pro athlete isn't going to play their best every night.

Regroup and then make sure to punish her properly next time.

 

[Stanley]

Yes the self deprecation is a recurring theme, I think it has to do with the standards I hold myself to, will work on being easier on myself. Agreed with your last point about admitting fault.

You don't need to drop your own standards, I think it is good to hold yourself to such a thing, genuinely.

That said, you don't need to be so hard on yourself when you 'fail' and in this instance it really doesn't sound like a big deal at all. Your intention was sex, but it didn't happen and the girl was tired? That's fine, you just pull yourself up from your boot straps and try again another time. Also, you said you had a good time and while maybe hitting it would be the cherry on top to the night, it didn't happen so express gratitude that you enjoyed being in the company of this girl. I would hope you like hanging out with a plate more than just sex, even if that is the main intent.

When you see her again play it off like it was no thing and remain indifferent. That is how you regain your 'frame'.

 

[DonVariously]

Thanks for the kind words and advice, appreciate it

 

[user252009]

Because you were trying to be something you're not; you can't "lose" what you don't have in the first place

 

[Millard Fillmore]

This plate was a same night lay, after that we've slept a couple of times together and I'd say she broke some rules to be with me although she is quite promiscuous in general. Last night I went to her place 9pm and my motive was to have sex next to having a good time. Well we had a good time and when it was time to sleep (2am) she was too tired to have sex. I was unhappy but ok with it, but was woken up early in the morning by her cat which wouldn't go away. I was so annoyed with the cat, and also with myself for not initiating that I left around 7am. I felt like I was not congruent with my motives, and should have initiated sex right from the get go and not wait for bed time. Just now she texted me asking if something was wrong, I responded I was annoyed with myself for not initiating sex. She said sorry and that was it.

I feel like previously the frame was mine so to say, but now I've lost it. Does anyone else have stories like these where they could pinpoint quite accurately when they lost frame? I'm just starting out spinning plates so I could use some more examples.

I could try to regain frame with her but probably not worth it and I'm better off spinning different plates, I'll definitely not put much effort in it anymore and consider it a valuable learning moment.

Much ado about nothing OP. In fact you owned it by saying you were mad with yourself, not her. If you got her apologizing, you're in good shape frame wise.

One thing to consider is if you're not getting what you want, you can leave any time. No reason to stay overnight. Depends on your needs and how you see yourself in this (fukk boy vs. progressing relationship).

Otherwise it's fine, you can put her on ice for a while if you want, but don't overthink it. Follow your needs.

 

[SW15]

This plate was a same night lay, after that we've slept a couple of times together and I'd say she broke some rules to be with me although she is quite promiscuous in general. Last night I went to her place 9pm and my motive was to have sex next to having a good time. Well we had a good time and when it was time to sleep (2am) she was too tired to have sex. I was unhappy but ok with it, but was woken up early in the morning by her cat which wouldn't go away. I was so annoyed with the cat, and also with myself for not initiating that I left around 7am.

How does someone go to the home of a woman who you've had sex with 2-3 times (including a same night lay in the first instance of sex) and not have sex with her in 5 hours together? Additionally, why would you stay over at her place without sex?