Lost control - did I fail the sh!t test?

[Serg897]

Gentlemen,

This woman is affecting me in crazy ways. I can see oneitis starting to creep in a mile away and its fvcking driving me crazy.

Tell me who is in the wrong here: Her demanding to go home after I had already fallen asleep at 3:30 am, or me getting angry about it? I usually don't get angry, but given those extraordinary circumstances I briefly lost control of my emotions.

Briefly, the story: We went out and I picked her up. I decided to drive her back to my place for whatever reason, so she didnt have a ride home unless I drove her. We had some crazy good sex, before going to sleep. She mentioned maybe wanting to go home but I told her if she sucked it up and stayed I would make it worth her while in the morning (breakfast, etc), and she SEEMINGLY agreed. But then later on the evening she wakes me up and essentially demands to go home, saying its impossible for her to sleep at my place. I am not happy about this and I tell her so, and I even tell her no at one point (going back and forth on my reaction, losing control). Eventually I relent and I drive her home as a tired, groggy mess.

The bottom line is that even though I think I was justified to be upset, my REACTION wasn't very good and now her IL is probably lower. Need some general thoughts/suggestions on how to proceed.

 

[Rubato]

According to what you said, I would have been very angry.

Let's switch roles for a second here... imagine that you went home with a girl and woke her up in the middle of the night demanding to go home (probably in a b1tchy way). What would happen? If she didn't hit you, I don't even think she would even consider your request reasonable.

I may be playing a game of semantics here, but I don't believe in the idea that some people adhear to, that a DJ, alpha, or whatever is going to be an unreactive person. I don't think that's possible, because failing to react to a given situation is a reaction in and of itself. And let's be real here for a second, her behavior was totally inappropriate and rude, you were justified on a lot of different levels to be upset.

One point, I wouldn't have tried to convince the girl to stay with me if she didn't want to. Lately I've been taking a very detached attitude towards these sorts of things (but hell, read my last post on this website, I'm feeling oneitis coming on myself, it sucks and makes it really hard to do this) and if I'm with a girl and she starts making allusions about wanting to leave, I flat out say something like "if you want to leave, then please go. I'm not going to spend my time with someone who would rather be somewhere else". I don't make a big deal out of it. I just say it in such as a way as to convey that I'm very serious about it. And so far, it's always worked. One girl got up to leave like she was going to, but ended up turning around and coming back when she realized I wasn't going to go after her. I think you would have been in a much better position later on to have told the girl if she wanted to leave to call a cab. You're not her chaufer.

That being said, she also woke you up in the middle of the night, possibly after drinking and when I'm in those situations, my mind isn't always the fastest. Thinking about it from a more lucid perspective, I would have immediately told her no and to find some benadryl, whiskey, or a sleeping pill somewhere in my house (which is really probably being too generous) and if she still couldn't fall asleep, she could spend the night reading one of my many books, watching my TV, or fvcking call a cab and leave me alone. I wasn't the one who agreed to come home with me and at worst, passively agree to stay, at best, actively agree to stay. It would have been as simple as that.

What you did was show her that you have a breaking point and all she has to do to access it is to be a b1tch long enough to break you. I think that will be hard to undo. From now on, you're going to have to take a very firm position in everything you say and do. Think hard before agreeing to anything with this girl because you're going to have to hold on to the power in the situation, and if what you set up isn't a good idea, it won't matter. You'll have to stick by it or you will summarily reinforce to her that she can control you.

I think adding some compliance tests would be good as well. Some examples:

If you want to see her again, don't pick her up. Go Deangelo style and have her meet you at your place and then drive her wherever you're going to go. Be firm about it.

For your next date, you could have her make you dinner.

Ask her to do something for you, anything. It really doesn't matter what it is. Just as long as it gets her to do something for you.

Don't ask her about your plans anymore... like "hey, what do you think about doing this", or "would you like to go to this place on this day?" Rather, ask her when she's free, figure out when you're free and say "okay, meet me at my house at whatever time and we'll go to wherever".

Make sense?

 

[st_99]

you should have called her a cab.

 

[daftsavage]

Relax, man. I would have told her there's no way I'm getting up to take her home.

That said, if you end up doing it for her, try to do it in a dignified manner. Either deny her straight-up, or do it, but in a silent and pensive way. Blowing up at her won't really help anything

 

[bukowski_merit]

Gentlemen,

This woman is affecting me in crazy ways. I can see oneitis starting to creep in a mile away and its fvcking driving me crazy.

So you're not seeing other women?

Tell me who is in the wrong here:

Better to not focus on such things. The only thing you can control is your own actions. Were your own actions good or bad? strong or weak?

Briefly, the story: We went out and I picked her up. I decided to drive her back to my place for whatever reason, so she didnt have a ride home unless I drove her.

Nothing wrong here.

She mentioned maybe wanting to go home but I told her if she sucked it up and stayed I would make it worth her while in the morning (breakfast, etc)

Bah, not good. By offering to do stuff for her - you made her and her sleeping over your house a prize. This is probably a result of your growing oneitis for her. You desire to be with her more than you should. You should be fvcking other women! I fvck women and they leave right after, or sometimes they stay. It's not really a big deal to me either way. However, if i drove them back to my house, and we have sex and I'm tired afterward - im not driving her home. However, i would make this clear BEFORE driving them home.

Regardless, I would never do something like, "stay with me and i'll do stuff for you" though. That's where the real weakness is.

and she SEEMINGLY agreed.

What do you mean?

But then later on the evening she wakes me up and essentially demands to go home, saying its impossible for her to sleep at my place.

"That's not my problem." back turn... back to sleep...

Actually, you know what? A woman wouldn't act like this with me. She's acting like this because she feels like she can act this way with you. You've allowed it.

I am not happy about this and I tell her so, and I even tell her no at one point (going back and forth on my reaction, losing control).

"I am not happy about this" = NOTHING except that you don't want to do something but you will.

You happily getting up out of bed the minute she asked and saying "ok, let's go" would have even been 10X better than this. Or call her a cab. She made a big deal about it, you made a big deal about it; so it became a big deal. Now it's noteworthy.

You telling her to fvck off, or you fvcking her hard would have been even better! (telling her to fvck off and then fvcking her ftw!)

Eventually I relent and I drive her home as a tired, groggy mess.

The only time you wave a white flag like this is when you're giving up on a relationship. At a point in a relationship, if a woman is annoying me, trying to get me to do something in such a way that i want to pull her hair out - i'll instead do what she wants as a going away gift for her. Then i end communication with them.

Again though, none of this matters if you didn't have so much riding on her staying the night. I mean, all those things you offered her weren't enough to get her to stay with you? "how could she possibly not want to stay the night with me....... her lover." Right?

The bottom line is that even though I think I was justified to be upset, my REACTION wasn't very good and now her IL is probably lower. Need some general thoughts/suggestions on how to proceed.

If you're going to get upset - SEE RED! Throw a fit and put fear into her (without physical violence of course.) This passive aggresive stuff is for average guys.

If you want to know what to do from here, it's simple: Distance yourself, make it clear her behavior was unacceptable to you (and don't argue about it, or talk about it, or care about how she feels about it; just fvcking say it was unacceptable and fvck anything she thinks about that. PERIOD!), see other women, and don't be passive aggresive anymore

 

[Serg897]

Good points Rubato. Believe me, I was so tempted to just show her the door and tell her to find a cab - but in my 4am perspective I just could not bring myself to do this to her. I offered her some scotch and she refused. I mentioned that maybe she should just call a cab. She was adamant that she had some psychological problem and that she hadnt slept the entire night.

She has taken time to drive me to the airport before, as well as driven me back to my car another morning at 7-8 am when I stayed at her place (when she didnt have class until 2 pm that day). This is why my feelings were so incredibly mixed. Would denying this action ensure that she wouldn't go out of her way to do things like that for me in the future? But, at the same time, does it show her that I have a breaking point and she has the power to get me to do what she wants? These were the thoughts running through my head, and at 4am it was so confusing that I ended up relenting.

Let it be known that I really like this girl. Too much. Her looks, her intelligence, her career, her ambition, and her sex drive are all amazing. Im having the best sex of my life with this girl, and I know she is enjoying it thoroughly as well. Im seeing another girl as well but to be frank Im not quite as interested in sex with her anymore. Im afraid this is further confounding everything. I need to AVOID oneitis with this girl, but its hard when I recognize she is very unique among others I've been dating lately. Problably some distancing myself is in order.

I sent her a friendly text this morning (a few hours ago) saying I had a good time last night aside from the last thing that happened and she responded with another very friendly text immediately reiterating the same thing. This is done, and Im not even going to mention it when I call her again - probably several days from now. This is a lesson for next time. I am always going to make sure she can drive her ass home if she wants to from now on, and I may not stay at her place again for a while.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Forget about it. Next time be decisive. Don't try to persuade a girl to spend the night. She must want to.

 

[jacob]

Gentlemen,

This woman is affecting me in crazy ways. I can see oneitis starting to creep in a mile away and its fvcking driving me crazy.

Tell me who is in the wrong here: Her demanding to go home after I had already fallen asleep at 3:30 am, or me getting angry about it? I usually don't get angry, but given those extraordinary circumstances I briefly lost control of my emotions.

Briefly, the story: We went out and I picked her up. I decided to drive her back to my place for whatever reason, so she didnt have a ride home unless I drove her. We had some crazy good sex, before going to sleep. She mentioned maybe wanting to go home but I told her if she sucked it up and stayed I would make it worth her while in the morning (breakfast, etc), and she SEEMINGLY agreed. But then later on the evening she wakes me up and essentially demands to go home, saying its impossible for her to sleep at my place. I am not happy about this and I tell her so, and I even tell her no at one point (going back and forth on my reaction, losing control). Eventually I relent and I drive her home as a tired, groggy mess.

The bottom line is that even though I think I was justified to be upset, my REACTION wasn't very good and now her IL is probably lower. Need some general thoughts/suggestions on how to proceed.

What I actually think happened is that you brought her over hoping she would have sex with you, she didn't, you got upset and didn't want to take her home and pretended to be sleeping.

She insisted that you take her home and then because of your frustration you acted mean toward her by saying no, since the ride home was your leverage and trump card over her holding out the "P" on you.

You finally came to your senses and realized that it would've been wiser to just have acted as if you weren't desperate and had self control, so you tried to do damage control, manned up and took her home.

The question now is what can you do to get her interest level back up?
What I think is this event will be burned into her mind, unless you start to make new memories by making her laugh a lot, having fun times from here on out and don't make things heavy and serious, until she's got high interest level again.

 

[Serg897]

Wrong jacob. I first had sex with this girl a little less than two weeks ago, the night of our first date. This was the third time we have ****ed - and its been incredibly good everytime. Try again.

 

[the_stig]

I dunno... I think most of the responses are pretty harsh. Nothing is worse than being trapped somewhere. Like others said, it should have been obvious she didnt care to spend the night after she asked to leave, you set yourself up for this by not recognizing that and convincing her to stay.

Saying no or asking her to call a cab would be a straight up a **** move, not alpha at all.