Losing your virginity won't boost your confidence

[NaturallySelected]

Hi guys

This is for those of you that are virgins and think sex will somehow cange your life.

I had never been in a serious relationship until three months ago, I'd never had sex with a woman until three months ago. This is the first woman I've felt up, the second one I've kissed. The first woman I asked on a date. I am 23 years old, and a few years ago (actually at about 21) I was seriously worried I would die a virgin.

I was depressed and felt like I wasn't getting anything out of life, I can be very shy, and it made it difficult for me to meet women, I had low self-esteem and felt like no woman would want me and I'd be a failure in life. I dropped out of my third year in university and lost contact with a few of my closest
friends. So I was miserable most of the time which made me appear very unattractiv eto any ladies I did meet.

Yet somehow, I thought by losing my virginity and getting a girlfriend I would feel so much better about myself, I thought I'd have more confidence with women, I'd be more successful in life. I felt like being a virgin was holding me back from being my true self and being happy.

Well guys, sorry to dissapoint you, but this isn't true at all. I didn't feel any different after I lost my virginity, it's nice to share the intimacy with someone, it's nice to have a girlfriend. But that's it. It's nice. It won't change your life dramatically. It won't give you that confidence to approach lots of women, it makes me feel a little better about myself. Don't get me wrong, I am in love with this woman and the sex is great and everything I want it to be. But at the end of the day, I am still the same guy I was two years ago.

Sure, I was nervous being a virgin with this first girl and that I'd not know what to do when we had sex. But she didn't even know I was her first until a month into our relationship. So it' given me a little confidence in that I'll know what to do with the next chick I sleep with (if I don't end up with this one forever).

All I'm saying is that if you are down about your life, it's not because you don't have a girlfriend or your a virgin, at least that's only part of it. It's because you have low self-esteem and because you are lacking in other areas of your life. Sure being a virgin, and not having a GF can be depressing, but all I've learnt is that even once you get those things, you will still feel empty, until you've found what you really want.

What I want is to finish my degree and run a successful I.T company one day (or at least be high enough in another company to afford the luxuries in life). I want to have a nice car and a house, I want to marry a wonderful women and have children. Getting a girlfriend has only helped me lose my virginity, and given me the possibility of marrying someone great, but I've done nothing to really help me with my degree, and that's why I still feel empty.

So to sum it all up, sit down and think of EVERYTHING you want out life, include the girlfriend and great sex life, but put everything else down and work towards those goals. You need to keep yourself happy in all aspects of your life (this is part of the key to becoming a true Don Juan), when you do that, then you will be happy. But if there is something missing, you will always feel it and never be truly happy.

Thanks!
Natural

 

[Zod]

I have to disagree with you.

First I have to ask though, if you were so down and had this horrible self esteem how did you pick up a girlfriend and end up having sex with her? Seems a bit contradictory to me, even you said that girls found you very unattractive in that state.

So heres what I get from this post:

1. You boosted your confidence very well prior to getting laid and picking up this chick. So the post really has nothing to do with gaining confidence from losing your virginity...

2. If what I first said is true, the girl you probably were with was NOT very good looking (no offense, but your story doesn't make a lot of sense). So yeah, banging some fat ugly chick isn't going to boost anyones confidence. I would probably go cry if I banged an obese fat girl...

3. Was it a hooker?

Not trying to insult you, but this post seems bogus to me. Having sex with a chick (a hot one - especially if its your first time) would definently be a confidence booster for anyone.

 

[Ouzo]

Without reading one bit of your post (only the subject) I will also disagree ...

I was recently a virgin ...it was by choice. I'm not an ugly guy, I just didn't want to have it with the girls I was with at the time. The girl I am with now ...I did have sex with her.

It HAS boosted my confidence.

Why? I feel more comfortable in the situation. I'm not worried if she will spring a condom on me, I feel more comfortable with myself, etc.

:woo:

 

[DonJuanMonk]

The thing is, once you get over your virginity, you see a whole different viewpoint of women as not something you obsess or loathe anymore.

My opinion is that it will increase your confidence in meeting women, but probably not your total confidence in life.

I know that after I was devirginized, my opinion of women has changed, instead of "getting whatever" I started qualifying them before jumping into a relationship. Which seems to be the mistake of many young men before they hit their 20s when they meet a girl in high school and marry that same girl. Youthfulness distorts the mind of a young man.

 

[Deep Dish]

Losing your virginity won't boost your confidence

I must partially disagree.

Yes, sex is not “everything” in life (but whoever said it was?). There are actually a few things I would rather do than have sex, for as much of a pleasure is sex to me there are a few things I consider even greater pleasures. Yes, if someone is down and out about life, they need to address those particular issues per individual issue to which getting laid probably will not solve. However, I disagree with your basic premise that losing the Big “V” won’t boost some guy’s confidence. Yes, you may not have experienced a boost of confidence but that was just you.

When a guy is a virgin, everything is just theory to him. He hears about sex, he knows that sex is supposedly incredibly pleasurable, maybe he watches porn, but sex is just a theory to him as it’s something he has never actually experienced. To quote Geoffrey Rush out of context in Shakespeare in Love, “It’s a mystery!” So, when virgins talk up the ladies and everything, he is pursuing something profoundly mystical. He doesn’t “know” sex. Compounding the issue, especially for late virgins, is performance anxiety. We all know that someone’s first time is their worst and most awkward performance. When practically everyone else has more experience than him, with the disparity growing with every passing month and year, virgins figure they will be bad in bed. This insecurity can translate to wobbling during the pursuit of a lady and cause a crash & burn. One popular worry is “What if she finds out? How do I tell her? What if I’m bad in bed?” That’s obviously not confidence.

Losing the Big “V” can give a guy a boost in sexual confidence.

He knows concretely what he is pursuing. He knows that for what amount of effort he puts into getting sex, what amount of output he should expect to receive. Sometimes the pursuit is worth it and sometimes it’s not.

Virgins are notorious for knowing so much about sex and anatomy. Once that encyclopedic virgin gets laid and presuming he put that knowledge to good use and performed well, his newly acquired knowledge he is good in bed can give a big boost in sexual confidence. Rather than going around the world pleading with the ladies “Please put me out of my misery,” he now walks around town knowing he is someone of value (maybe not in other regards but at least in the realm of sexuality), that he is the proverbial prize. It’s kinda like the adage that “Women are so alike, that if a man can win the love and devotion of just one woman, he feels he has conquered the entire female species. And if he cannot, then the entire female species has conquered him.” If a man can win the mastery to lay good just one woman, he feels he has conquered the entire female species—even if in reality that may not be true. In the beginning of the book Metaphysics, Aristotle noted that we value someone who has experience (but no knowledge) over someone with knowledge (but no experience), because “men of experience know that the thing is so, but do not know why, while the others know the ‘why’ and the cause”; but moreover we value someone who has both experience and knowledge, who is said to have mastery, over someone with experience but no knowledge. Needless to say, when that virgin who knows so much about sex, finally gets laid, he is quickly on his way towards mastery and his newly acquired experience can certainly boost his sexual confidence.

And it’s true that once a guy gets laid, his viewpoint of women forever changes.

 

[duhbigman]

Dudes... I think many of you are missing NaturallySelected's point.
(Although I did like Deep Dish's commentary)

The way I interpreted the original post is that: Sex doesn't change who you are in essence; it doesn't make you happy on its own; it's not the be-all and end-all that many virgins think it is. Yes, I agree that it changes how you deal with (and think about) women, and that it gives you more confidence in that area... but it doesn't make you a different, better or happier person. Only you can do that, virgin or not.

Our contemporary society is so sex-obsessed. Look at our culture. Our movies and sitcoms tell us that losing your virginity is the Holy Grail, and that orgasms are the ultimate goal in life. They brainwash us into believing that your life isn't worth living unless you're having sex all the time.
That's why virgins often put so much importance on sex, believing that it's some mysterious thing that solves all your problems. All the original post is doing is refuting that. Sex, when you really think about it, isn't really a big deal. It's great when you lose your virginity, but life still goes on as before.

 

[Flogger]

Having just recounted my first few experiences with women in another thread, I have to say I largely disagree as well. But the point you raise does not have a black and white answer.

Having sex will probably not change the core of who you are. That makes sense and is an excellent point.

If you are depressed, and the reason is not purely a lack of female affection, than no, it probably won't help your depression much. Attending to your fears would probably be a more fruitful approach.

But in my personal experience, what having sex DID do is lower the power women held over me and my anxiety in interacting with them.

 

[johnny_dangerously]

This reminds me of a story by mountaneer Jon Krakauer where, at age 19, he decided he was going to change his life by climbing the Devil's Thumb. He made the climb, but it changed nothing--his life was the same as before. That's the way it works. It sounds like sex was your Devil's Thumb.

 

[aftershock]

Couldn't disagree more.

I think that the original posters main problem is the fact he's built up losing his virginity too much. He's thought about it for years and years. Then, when its happened, he doesn't feel as liberated as perhaps he thought he should have done.

Nice post, Deep Dish.

 

[johnny_dangerously]

Aftershock, what are you talking about? You just reiterated the exact same thing I said using different words, and yet you say "I couldn't disagree more." I think you failed to get the analogy between the OP's virginity & the Devil's Thumb. Your caffeine levels must be getting low

 

[MVP¤¥¤JI€GALO]

Aftershock, what are you talking about? You just reiterated the exact same thing I said using different words, and yet you say "I couldn't disagree more." I think you failed to get the analogy between the OP's virginity & the Devil's Thumb. Your caffeine levels must be getting low

Lol thats funny

Personaly for me everytime sex occure(every now N then) at the point when its at Males duty to put on a protected condom, thats when i feel most confidence becuase i know im getin laid and proud of my achivement. Maybe these fella wasnt too happy with his sex performance, or insecure with his size. NaturallySelected the point of view that ur comin from is all wrong. U look at sex as just a job of a average male, to lose his virginity or just to do it and get it over with. believe it or not there are alot of guys out there who assume sex is just something they have to do, when this happen they fail to enjoy the moment. But seem like ur just havin sex to boost your confidence? .....weird.

 

[Zod]

Originally posted by johnny_dangerously
Aftershock, what are you talking about? You just reiterated the exact same thing I said using different words, and yet you say "I couldn't disagree more." I think you failed to get the analogy between the OP's virginity & the Devil's Thumb. Your caffeine levels must be getting low

He isn't disagreeing with you, he is disagreeing with the OP.

 

[johnny_dangerously]

oops, my bad. Aftershock talks about the OP in the 3rd person, so I didn't realize he was talking *TO* the OP. I guess *MY* caffeine levels are getting low Time to tank up... The coffeee bean is a cruel mistress, my friends.

 

[redshift]

Yes, sex is not “everything” in life (but whoever said it was?). There are actually a few things I would rather do than have sex, for as much of a pleasure is sex to me there are a few things I consider even greater pleasures.

Like drive the **** out or an EVO IX! ...ppsst..i am serious!!

 

[aftershock]

Originally posted by johnny_dangerously
oops, my bad. Aftershock talks about the OP in the 3rd person, so I didn't realize he was talking *TO* the OP. I guess *MY* caffeine levels are getting low Time to tank up... The coffeee bean is a cruel mistress, my friends.

Heck, I even talk about myself in the third person sometimes.

If I'm replying to you I will tend to quote you for ease of reading.

Red Bull is the way to go.

 

[Disconnect]

Sex is a big step in anyone's life. I think we can all agree on that. However, if you thought it would change your life around, get you friends, make you more fun to be around, or give you a knowledge about investing, then you were wrong.